Merry Christmas Blessings

The Best Gift!

My Little Man

My Mr. Man

     This Christmas season has been a busy but wonderful one for our family.  We've had the opportunity to celebrate Christmas 6 times and have one more left the second weekend in January.  They each have been special and provided us with wonderful memories and laughs for years to come but I have to say that some of my favorite moments were sitting at home on Christmas Eve reading the Christmas story to my little men, listening to them go to bed on Christmas Eve and making up Christmas rules about Santa, and cuddling in bed watching Despicale Me with all of them...laughter filling the room.  Other memories I know I won't forgot...visiting our family in Chicago, playing Apples to Apples, hugging my Grams, trying a new red wine with my uncle and listening to Glee Christmas on the drive back home.  Sharing pizza and watching Charlie Brown Christmas with our dear friends and their son. Skyping with my brother who graduated basic training and is now back at my dad's in Florida...and treasuring it all.  These past months have been rough, faith building, trying, often anxiety filled, and new, but they have also humbled me and again reminded me just how precious life is. 
     I was listening to KLOVE yesterday and they were talking about Max Lucado's book and a part of it where he lists questions that he would have for Joseph:

• Did he arm restle with Jesus
• Did they ever argue

He listed more but I can't find them on their site..but it was so interesting to think about what it must have been like to be Jesus's earthly parents. They also talked about Mary and if when she was praying did she ever open her eyes and look at her son to see if he was listening.  Amazing to even think about.  As we celebrated Jesus's birth as a family I was thankful for Him and all that He continues to show our little family....and me...one of little faith sometimes. 
     Now Christmas Day is over and we are relaxing...just finised picking up the packages, paper, dirty dishes, and putting things away.  Deciding what we want to do on this day...If the boys finish cleaning up their play room we are going to take them to chuck e cheese for "my birthday"... Chad took me out for dinner on my birthday (the 21st) and the boys were dropped of at his parents for the surprise. Poor Ky started bawling saying he didn't want to miss my party. We explained to them that Daddy was taking Mommy out for a special dinner and that we would celebrate as a family on Sunday. Noah and Ky's idea..Chuck E Cheese would be perfect! I couldn't agree with them more..lol :) I love the minds of a 4 and 6 year old. Precious to me.  I still haven't completed my Christmas baking like I normally do...mostly due to lack of time/energy but I did get the rest of my baking supplies I need and might just bake tonight or tomorrow. We'll see.  I also have a stack of books calling my name and might just jump into one of them when the boys take their naps. For my birthday and Christmas I was given two seasons of the show Friends and we started watching season one two nights ago. I'm looking forward to watching the seasons all the way through. I just love that show!!!
     Well I am going to run grab some lunch and get my men ready to go have some family fun. I do have lots more to share and have wanted to jump on and write but time has been against me...but I will be back sooner than later to share more of our happenings during this wonderful Christmas season....and Thanksgiving.. :) Blessings!

Beth Moore- Esther and exactly what I needed to "hear"

Throughout the past two months I have been challenged continuosly and frankly wish I could say I have been at peace every day and have not lived in fear or had days filled with anxiety. And while often times I haven't felt God near I've never doubted His presence.  Friday he showed up in a big way.... My day started off at the lab getting my last round (for the set my dr order) of labs drawn.  I had to fast for the last two tests and had my coffee waiting in the car for when I was done...I headed over to my moms and spent the day with her at her place just being quiet.....and then my aunt came.  My aunt has worked in the natural medicine arena for over twenty years and as we got talking I shared with her everything from 9/30 on including all of the symptoms/pains I was still dealing with post my PE diagnosis.  She sat there for a minute and then asked if I had looked at the side affects for all of the medicines I was on to see if any of them were things I had been dealing with over the past two weeks.  I quickly responded and said no but was sure my dr would have checked into that as I was seeing her.  After my aunt left I began to google side effects for the meds I'm on and as soon as I pulled the list up for Coumadin tears began to pour....EVERY pain, numbness of the legs,face, one sided weakness, headaches, stroke symptoms, and more was listed.  All of which I have experienced at one time or another over the past few weeks.  I immediately called my dr's office at 3.26 (not that I remember the exact time) but she had already left for the day and of course was not the dr on call this weekend. I left a message and my heart leaped...I go to the anti coag clinic tomorrow am for my normal testing for my INR and then plan on making an appt with my dr as soon as the phone lines open at eight.  It is my prayer that I am indeed allergic to coumadin, can be put on something else, and I will be healed.  They should have almost all of my bloodwork back tomorrow so hopefully that will come back with positive answers also.  My heart has been lighter this weekend and while I've still be tired and experiencing pains I'm hopeful that I will have answers tomorrow and can more forward.
     While sitting on my couch today I decided to pick up my Esther (Beth Moore) Bible study that I have been doing with my mom and my friend Jody for a long time...we try to get together at least twice a month but have taken a long time going through this study.  I've really enjoyed it and have learned so much!!! Wouldn't you know that the first lesson I worked on today talked about fear.  Below is an excerpt that I highlighted and underlined and read over and over:

     Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us, so he settles for the next best thing: threatening to destroy us.  Based on our histories and behaviors he deduces what we ourselves are most convinced would raze us.  To the Devil, the irony is delicious.  Our distrust of God tattles on us, telling our enemy exactly how to get to us.  Many of us habitually rehearse, "If __________ ever happens, then I'll just __________." Our fears become like long bony index fingers pointing at our vulnerbilities.  Once Satan see what we believe would be the end of us, he threatens and torments us with it. Our natural human defense is to grovel before God and plead with Him not to let those things happen.  Our conditional trust not only makes us an open target for enemy torment; it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before God instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father. ...............................
The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place we trust Him-Period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most.  We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us......................
Our only steadfast defenses against lifes certain uncertainty is unconditional trust in a Savior who loves us more than His own life.

We were then asked to fill in three if and then statements...here are mine:

1. "If I die then God will protect my husband, children, friends, and family."
2. "If I lose my job then God will provide."
3. "If I perish, then God WILL STILL REIN."

I will tell you that number one and three I right with that part of fear that Satan has been paralyzing me with for months but I write it redeemed by my Father and know that even though I don't know His plan He brought me to open my study today and read these word Beth wrote and softened my heart and quietly (loudly) reminded just how close He has been this whole time.  I pray that tomorrow will be closure and answers. I pray that I will be able to return to work soon...I pray that this Thanksgiving I can be thankful for answers.  I'll know more tomorrow and will be sure to update you.  Blessings and as always thank you for your prayers. 

Praying for wisdom, patience, and healing..........

These past few weeks have been filled with many happy things and many things that have brought struggle, fear, and anxiety.  I'll start with the awesome blessings...my mom was able to go visit my brother during his pass weekend at basic training! From what she shared with me it was full of wonderful conversations, movie watching, and lots of good food.  Mike was able to call me multiple times and that was a huge blessing! Hearing his voice and being able to talk to him was amazing.  I've missed our morning coffee talks as we call them and was glad to hear that he is enjoying his training and all that he is learning.  He started AIT and graduates in four weeks.  If all works out the way he plans he will be moving back home sometime in February. I couldn't be prouder of him.  God has truly transformed his heart and blessed him immensely!
My sister, Nena, was hired at the same company my husband and I work for. PTL! It is a full time job with wonderful benefits and will pay for her college when she goes back.  She is beyond thrilled and looking forward to moving into an apartment with Mike in the summer.  How God has blessed my siblings...it's been amazing to watch. Noah and Ky are doing fantastic and both equally loving school. Although Noah told me this week that he no longer wants to bring his lunch to school, that he wants to use the tray and pick our whatever he wants. He assured me he didn't have to pay for it and "all" of his friends use the trays for lunch. How my heart melted at my little man growing up.  So now I must figure out where to find the menu and put money in his account so he can enjoy this new experience.....
     Now for an update on me....The last two weeks have been extremely hard for me...both physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I have been to the hospital almost every day either to urgent care, the anticoag clinic, the lab, or my doctor's office.  I also have the on call doctor's numbers memorized and the triage nurse and i are on a first name basis.  Praise- My lungs have cleared which is a huge blessing! My breathing is back to normal and I'm so thankful.  However I'm still dealing with fatigue, intense pain that comes and goes in my shoulders, legs, and last week traveled up my neck and to my forehead. Sunday I ended back at the hospital because I could feel the pain moving in my leg and was scared that I was no longer therapeutic...thankfully I still was however these pain have increased my anxiety immensely and I am having a really hard time being alone.  Monday evening my left leg from my ankle to my knee went number and part of my face went numb as well...I went to urgent care right away only to deal with a jerk of a doctor and after three hours of being there was told I have peripheral nerve damage and will need to work with a neurologist....  Thankfully I had an appt with my dr Tuesday morning and was able to review everything with her.  She is struggling to connect some of my remaining symptoms to my PE and has now ran seven new labs on me to look for everything from MS, Lupus, and other things that could be causing these problems.  Depending on the results I will be seeing a neurologist and potentially a second specialist next week.  Unfortunately this means another week off of work and to be honest I was hoping I would be able to start back up again next week.  In the same breath I just want all of the tests and everything resolved before I return. I was told that most if not all of the results should be available by Tuesday so i'm hoping to know more then.  Right now I'm researching neurologists in the area and praying for next steps, wisdom, and peace.  To be honest peace is one thing I have been struggling with these past two weeks...fear has slowly crept its way back in.  Thankfully my best friend flew here to be with me while my mom was gone to GA....that really helped just having someone here during the day....plus I love her to death and was thankful to see her.  I realized today that I've worn the same two pairs of sweats for the past two weeks and should probably switch it up as the lab techs probably think i don't own anything else. I've continued to pray daily for healing for answers and for wisdom, but I've struggled to feel His presence...I know He is there and will never leave me but right now I just feel like He's been distant....and I feel scared.  I'm scared that something is going to happen while Chad and the boys are gone during the day, that something will happen while I am driving, and the thoughts continue.  Bless my mom's heart she has been here almost every day prior to last week doing laundry and dishes and just being here while I've slept.  I don't know what I would do without her support.  Chad's been nothing short of amazing but I could tell last week that he was getting mad that I was still having to wait for answers, dealing with the pain, and having to go back and forth to the hospital so much.  This week hasn't been any different except now we know I will most likely be referred to a specialist next week.  Are you tired of hearing about this? I know i'm tired of thinking about all of it...lol  I've tried to keep my sense of humor through all of this but have to say I feel deflated this week.  I want my life back....and am desperately clinging to His word and know that He has a plan. I want to be used by Him but the selfish part of me wants this all to be over with sooner than later.
     On a positive note my sweet husband bought me a Keurig http://www.keurig.com/.  And i'm in love with it!!!! It has brightened my mornings and the variety of flavors to choose from is exciting.  My sweet friend ,Sandi, sent a large sample box of flavors home with Chad and I have enjoyed trying them out.  I am sad to say that I think my coffee pot is going to be replaced...it's still on the counter but we shall see for how long. :) The exciting thing that Carm got me hooked on is Harney & Sons, Hot Cinnamon Tea http://www.harney.com/.  I've never been a tea drinker but has always wanted too.... I did like a raspberry tea while I was prego with Ky but stopped drinking it once I had him. Anyhow in the afternoons I'm now drinking this wonderful tea and am excited to try a few more flavors Carm recommended...those would be from Tea Forte http://www.teaforte.com/. 
     So if you think about it the next few days please be in prayer for my test results, for the dr I'm working with, for guidance on next steps, and that I can return to work soon.  Please also pray for my husband....I know this has been hard for him and even though he tries not to show it I know he's impatient for answers also. Blessings
 

Prayers for Katie

Over the past year I have been following Katie's blog  here: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/.  Her testimony and love for Christ humbles me every time I read her blog! A few days ago I read her blog and she asked for prayer for her family and today she shared what has unfolded in her family's life over the past few days.  As a mother my heart breaks for her. Please read her blog, be blessed by it, and pray for this precious family as they continue to praise God during this storm.  Blessings!

Movies

Today was another daybat home...I think I slept until 3:30....praying tomorrow I have some energy. Tonight I've watched the movie Julia/Julia and loved it! It made me want to go out and buy a whole bunch of cookbooks and read them! I then watched Thr Proposal which always reminds me of the years I spent in AK...and now I'm watching New in Town. I don't remember the last time I stayed awake to watch a full movie yet alone three. I'm praying I'm able to fall asleep soon....

Organizing and more trips to the hospital

Last week was my first week back to work and went relatively well.  I started back with 465 emails but didn't let it get to me as I enjoyed every minute of having my email off while on vacation.  Friday night Chad and I had a dinner date planned but I wasn't feeling very well once I got home from the city. We decided to swing by the hospital and have my protime taken.  I found out my INR was at 1.1.....and had a hard time not being anxious the rest of the evening.  When I am stressed I normally clean and I mean deep clean...so Saturday morning after Bible study I headed to Target and picked up several organizational tools i have been looking at for a while and went full speed ahead at our home....Chad and I got alot done but by the end of the day I was wiped....I'm sure I probably overdid it but it helped keep my mind off of my numbers. Friday evening I had started to cough quite a bit at night and Sat night was the same...by Sunday I was struggling and coughing short dry coughs often.  I started to get a sinus infection last week and thought omw I'm getting pneumonia on top of all of this.  I went in for my pro time on Sunday and found out I was still out of therauptic range...(not good) and Monday provided the same results. By Monday morning I was back at the hospital but my main dr is on vacation this week...which put me in a bit of a panic because I don't trust drs easily and didn't want to deal with someone who didn't know what they are doing. Luckily her backup was great and  heard rumbling in my right lung...and ordered an x-ray and sent me home with meds and decided to treat me as if i had pneumonia because kt would be two days before I received the results. The tricky part is that antibiotics will affect my coumedin.....and right now i think i'm up to eight meds.. Long story short my breathing problems continued to worsen and I ended up back at the hospital yesterday...the dr. and I were concerned that I had a new PE (pulmonary embolism)...they did a chest ct and luckily there are not any new ones in my left lung.  The fact that I've been out of therapeutic levels for seven days though has been concerning on top of the breathing problems.  We got home from the hospital at 7:45 last night and I was back there at 9:30 this am to go to the coagulation clinic....now i'm home and wiped.  I'm hoping to log on to work for a bit tomorrow but just haven't had much energy to much the last few days and have continued to sleep quite a bit.  I'm thankful that I'm getting good treatment but will be glad when this part is over. I've been so anxious about having additional PE's and the large clot in my leg releasing more....because I can't see what it's doing and i've been having the pains I've had it's been kinda stressful trying to real everything in and make sure something isn't being missed.. Well that's my week thus far. I'm getting a little stir crazy, tired of hospitals, walgreen pharmacies, and bad hair days.  I've enjoyed being in sweet pants but am ready to feel better and work out again and just feel like me...without worries about these clots.

Family Vacation

The past ten days have been wonderful.  My dr. released me to go on our family vacation to South Carolina and I was thrilled! My levels were theraputic for three days before we left and she let me go with a page of instructions but I was able to go..Yes! We left Thursday after I got off of work and headed out.  We stopped in Indiana and got up early the next morning to finish the drive to Isle De Palms. Unfortunately I started having chest and shoulder pains that morning and we ended up calling an ambulance while in Tennessee.  I was taken to Mission Hospital and they were fantastic! My oxygen levels were down to 93% so they put me on oxygen for several hours and did a chest CT to make sure there weren't additional clots.  I was relieved that there weren't any and after injections of more meds and my vitals returning to normal they released me.  We were only an hour from my cousins home and decided to stop there for the evening and not go all the way to Isle De Palms.  After a good nights rest we got up and made is to the Isle by lunch time.  The next two days were filled with nothing but time on the beach, sleep, and family time.  That Sunday we had my cousins wedding on the beach...which started at five and was beautiful! We had never been to a beach wedding and thoroughly enjoyed it.  My cousin, Rebecca and I, got up the next morning for a long walk/talk on the beach with our coffee in hand and spent the rest of Monday on the beach with the kids.  I will forever cherish these days of nothing but relaxing and memories made! I know it sounds corny but I have been so looking forward to this time of just peace.  After spending four days in the Isle we spent an afternoon in Charleston exploring and having amazing seafood! We then headed to my cousins house and spent five days with her and her family! My aunt and uncle, and Grams live two blocks from her so it was fantastic to spend time with them.  Rebecca has three kids...twin girls who are five and a boy who is nine.  Noah and Ky had a blast with them and were immediately attached at the hip.  We spent time during the day doing many different things as a family, The Children's Museum (was awesome!..), Clemson Botanical gardens, Boating, and relaxing.  I loved the slow pace and frankly didn't miss work for a minute! In fact I actually dreaded coming back period.  Unfortunately i've struggled to keep my levels theraputic and fell well below the min level on Wednesday and today they are way above...so i'm praying they level off this week.  My arms could sure use a break from all of the bloodwork.  We arrived home last night at about 11 and we all crashed! This morning the boys were up at their normal time and we actually made it to the 9:00 service. I have missed being at church the past few weeks and felt so blessed to be there today!! God speaks through our pastor and today was no exception! My heart was calmed and peace filled me! I've been so anxious driving since everything happened and hope this week goes ok.  I start driving back to the city and am a little nervous about my long car ride.  I could go on and on about our week but am pretty tired and want to have some cuddle time with my men before they get tucked in. Here are few of my favorite pics from our trip! Enjoy:)

Facing my own mortality

Hello my dear blog friends! Well I would love to say things have been quiet and boring but life has been everything but these past two weeks.  Two weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night two a sharp sensation in my leg and I jumped up in bed with sweat pouring all over the place and my ears ringing and not stopping. Poor Chad thought I was dreaming and at the time I thought I somehow twisted something in my sleep.  The odd thing was I have never pulled any muscles and had the reaction of sweat and ears ringing.  It was quite scary but once the ringing subsided I was able to eventually fall back to sleep.  Things were quite for the next week and I really didn't think about it after that.  Then last Sunday my shoulder started hurting..I had this sharp pain in my shoulder that lingered all day and that night my left side of my chest started hurting as well.  I started to get nervous and thought something was wrong with my heart but I'm stubborn and just layed down and massaged my shoulder.  Monday and Tuesday the pain stayed the same and then Tuesday night I thought for sure I was having a heart attached...the pain was ridiculous...I called the nurse on call who told me to hang up the phone and call an ambulance.  I know this sounds ridiculous and I as type this I'm shaking my head and how stubborn and irresponsible my decision was but I decided against calling the ambulance because I do not like the emergency room doctors at the hospital that was open at this time.  There are two hospitals in the town we live in and I prefer one over the other and have had some bad experience with the emergency room.  Anyhow so Tuesday night came and went and Wednesday was the final straw. I was driving home from the city (i drive 1.5 hours each way ) Wednesday evening and the pain shot all over my left and right arm...and my ears started ringing again. I was on the the phone with my mom and immediately pulled over and told her to stay on the phone with me because I thought for sure I was going to lose consciousness.  I made it home but called my family practitioner and made an appt for Thurs am.  Chad took the day off of work to be with me as he was really concerned about leaving me alone...we went to the hospital bright and early and she did an EKG and ruled out right away that there had been any damage to my heart.  I went to the labs for a series of lab work and x-rays and as we were pulling out of the parking lot she called me and told me to head over to the hospital to have a chest CT...as after reviewing everything we had just discussed she had a strong reason to believe that I had a blood clot in my lung.  I was dumbfounded and fear covered my from head to toe.  I prayed the whole drive there all while playing the morning back in my trying to remember if I had told each of the boys how much I loved them...because to be honest I thought for sure I was going to die before they figured out what was wrong with me. You see three years ago a dear friend of mine died of a blood clot and literally fell over and died instantly.  I feared that since I was dealing with these pains for multiple days that i could potentially fall over at any time.....so I cried and really had a hard time just giving it all over to God.  I wish I could have said I was at peace with everything but I wasn't.  I begged and pleaded with God to give me more time...pleaded with him to let me see the boys again to be able to give them another kiss and praying that I could go home and it would all just go away. I was thankful that the doctors got me in STAT everywhere I went that day and by the time I was done with the CT...I literally had time to go to the bathroom, Chad ran to the car to get my phone, and the doctor was on the phone confirming our worst fears..I had multiple blood clots in my lungs.  I lost it...standing in radiology...on the phone with my dr..the tears were pouring down my face and I thought I would crumble right there.  Chad and I headed back to my doctor's office and started discussing my treatment plan.  Thankfully it is something that they can get under the control.. I headed to the Treatment Convention Center shortly thereafter for my first injection of Lovenox and teaching on how to do this at home (yuck) and headed back to the lab for more blood work.  So long story short I'm taking injections of lovenox everyday, cumedin at night, and going to the hospital each day for lab work to check my INR levels.  PTL my INR levels were therapeutic today (2.7) which is great news because I was at a 1.2 yesterday.  Here's the other kicker....so we are supposed to go on our family vacation this Thursday to the Carolinas for 10 days and spend time at a beach house and relax....now with all of the this the question came up if we could even go.  It's still unknown for sure If I can go but I had a great talk with a good family friend today who is a MD and he was very encouraging in that he felt very comfortable with me going since my levels are therapeutic.  I will have to find a hospital where we are staying overnight so I can get my protime taken as well as where we are staying for the week but that seems pretty easy.  But the deciding factor will be on Wed when I meet with my doctor again.  The stubborn part of me says i'm going no matter what because we have been looking forward to this time away for a  year...I've been counting down the days until I can turn off my work email for 10 days and just be with my family and enjoy every minute together. But the realistic part of me knows that I must take care of myself and listen to what the doctors say....i know at the end of the day i want to be here for my boys for a lot longer and don't want to risk something happening while we are driving and put myself in a compromised situation.  So with all of that being said I sit here tonight with a humbled heart....many tears shed...and many hugs and kisses given the past few days. I remember walking Ky to his room last night to tuck him in and enjoying watching the back of his legs walk down the hall and climb into his bed....thankful for the opportunity to tuck him in one more time. Thankful to hear him tell me this morning that he wanted the window down so he could have air on his head..and thankful to watch Noah chase his brother around the house.  I don't know what this week will bring...I am working from home this week until I'm supposed to go on vacation.  They do not want me driving more than 20 minutes by myself just in case something happens... and I'll be honest i'm glad to be close to home this week..  Tomorrow I promise to share the wonderful things we have been experiencing this fall...the apple orchard trips, kindergarten happenings, and many wonderful home cooked meals as a family. Until then thanks for you prayers and listening to my heart.  I know it's been a few weeks since I've posted and I feel like i'm constantly posting crazing happenings but find comfort in journaling my thoughts and getting it all out.  It's also been great for me to read my past posts and see just how far God has brought me over the past two years...even through all of the challenges we have faced His love has prevailed and we have grown not only as a family in so many ways but I've grown in so many ways. Blessings!

First day of school!

Growing up!

Today was Noah's first day of kindergarten and second day of Kylan going to a half day pre K program! Let me tell you the tears were coming and this mama needed some Kleenex.  It's amazing to think how quickly this day came...i know it sounds cliche because i remember when they were little and moms telling me the same thing and I would roll my eyes! Well it came and I wasn't ready but they were and it was a great day full of memories! This morning started off with them both getting ready, shoes, backpack, and out the door for pictures. My heart melted and I could have just stood there watching them. How I love being there mom and feel so incredibly blessed! After dropping of Ky and Chad I took Noah to Starbucks to get a coffee and juice for him...and his response "I'm going to pretend this is my coffee"..and right there we had a moment that I will always remember. And off to his school we went and I walked him up and into his classroom and he loved it! No tears went right in and was ready to have a great day...and he did but was tired! And little man...beat...fell asleep snoring within moments of being home.  And today I got to be in town for all of it and loved it!!! So glad I can work remote and let me tell you there wasn't going to be anything that would keep me from missing this awesome day! I picked up Noah and he was exhausted but so excited and pulled out his take home folder and just stared at it in the car...love it! The rest of the day went well and we put them to bed 45 minutes earlier...

Ready to go

My soldies!

Another big thing this week was my brother Mike going off to basic training! He is in ROTC and is spending the next four months at basic... He was able to come home for three weeks before shipping out and it was wonderful to have him home again, but heartbraking to say goodbye..knowing we won't be able to talk to him for a while. While I have so much else to share my eyes are slowly closing and I am going to crash as tomorrow will be a full day...BUT before I sign off here are some pics of our amazing week so far.

Brokeness

I'm not sure where to begin and I don't have a lot of time as I need to log into work and get some things done before I crash, BUT I have been wanting to give you guys an update and just share my heart.  Long story short I misscarried....and am honestly at peace. I think the main reason is that I was fearful it was a tubal pregnancy and I was bawling about having to make the decision to have surgery.  I'm not sure if that makes sense but I was at peace that I didn't have to make that choice because frankly I don't know that I could have.  While i'm sad to have miscarried I think i'm just numb...numb from the series of events over the past month...car accident, tumor that was found to be benign, and miscarriage.  Brokeness is the word our pastor used at church on Saturday and it resignanted with me.  This past month has brought me to my knees broken, tired, exhausted, in pain, and full of anxiety.  Anxiety over my job and just dealing with the stress that has continued to come with it. Chad and I were talking this past weekend and it's been a year now that I've been at corporate and I don't know that I feel that things are any better balanced than they were when I first started.  We decided that I would give it until Jan and see what happens but I know that everything that has happened this month has just added to the daily stresses...BUT God has met me and provided me with peace many times over.  He has been there as Chad and I prayed for direction on what car to get and opened the right doors for us to find the car I wanted.  He has provided direction at work this past week and while I have a lot to accomplish still this week I feel like I have a burst of energy that i haven't had in awhile. Sorry I know i'm all over tonight but when the day is over i'm thankful for the patience He has provided me with this month.  I feel like I have grown alot and for that I'm thankful.  Tomorrow will be yet another busy day but then I get to hang out with my little men and just love on them and I can't wait!!! Thank you for your prayers! I can't begin to tell you how much they mean to me. (When two or more are gathered in His name...) Blessings!

Patience, Provision, and Prayer

Tomorrow will be two weeks since the accident and how things can change in two weeks.  Two weeks ago i sat on my deck praying about provision and guidance and He answered in more ways than one.  The accident caused damage...our car totaled, my body injured, but it's also provided answers otherwise left to be seen.  Without the accident I don't know that I would have gone to the doctor for a CT.  The CT revealed the spot on my brain.  And that spot has been confirmed to be a benign tumor.  I was handling the three options pretty well up until last Saturday and I lost it.  I didn't lose it because I didn't have control, I lost it because I trusted God and if the outcome meant that I had a brain tumor that was cancerous I knew it would be for His glory. And believe me I wrestled with that one...i spent the better part of three nights in my family room praying, reading, and crying....sobbing a couple of times because the selfish part of me was thinking way far ahead and the thought of not being around with my boys and Chad frankly tore me up. But I had peace...that no matter what we would take the answers and move forward knowing He had control on this one.  SO..Monday came and the test came back great.  There is no cancer and they will do another MRI in 6 months to make sure it is not growing. As long as it is the same size they will do one once a year just to monitor it.  PTL!

I returned to work on Monday and honestly is was a rough start back and frankly the week could have ended better but I know i'm also emotional and have a lot going on right now so I'm just trying to let it go. We did go test drive several cars today and I think we have narrowed it down to a Ford Fusion. I'm really excited! I brought one home for the weekend but it's not the color that I want, but we did find several within the chicago area that have the specs I want so I think the plan is to go next Sat and negotiate for the one I decide to go with.  We are going ot keep praying about it but we both liked it the best and I'm getting excited that we are almost done with this part. Then Chad just has to find something he likes. 

God has truly used the past few weeks to speak to me and I feel like i'm growing a lot and embracing all that He is teaching me and am thankful, but I do have something else to share...something that I've been praying about sharing and feel that now would be the best time to do so. Chad and I have been talking for at least a year about whether or not to have another baby.  I have always wanted to have four...and feel that four will make our family complete, but after losing Mason part of me desperately wanted to have a another baby and the other part of me was afraid...afraid that if I lost another child I wouldn't make it through again.  And to be honest Chad shared the same concerns. Losing Mason has been the most devesating loss I've ever experienced and our marriage almost didn't make it.  I checked out for quite some time and it took a lot of love, tears, prayers, time, and God to get us to where we are today.  But on Mother's day Chad gave me the best gift and said he was ready to try again and my heart soared. It was shortly there after that I started to feel sick and had all of the symptoms of being pregnant...and I took my first test and it came back negative.  Granted I took my  first test well before it most likely would ever come up positive but I'm sure you can see the trend of impatienceness... I had a day of spotting nothing to cause concern and a little the following but that was it.  It wasn't a period and I didn't think to much of it since I had the same type of situation happen when I was pregnant with Noah.  So I waited and told Chad I wouldn't take another test until the next month...that month being this month.  I waited until four days past when I should have had my period in the event the spotting I had was part of my cycle...and again a negative test.  But this time I know something's not right.  I've been telling Chad all along..I know my body and I'm either pregnant or somethings wrong. So I called my doctor to get her insight and she asked me to take another test on Monday.  If it came back negative she wanted me to go in for blood work as a tubal pregnancy would still show up positive.  The other possibility being I'm having problems ovulating.  Chad has been nothing short of amazing as he frankly always is and I can tell he's really concerned that I might either be losing a baby or having a tubal pregnancy which wouldn't have a positive outcome.  I told him today i'm really ok but that I just want to know what is going on because it's been so hard being patient wondering, part of me getting really excited about having the signs that point to pregnancy, and the other part scared when I saw the tests come up negative. Please pray that God will cover me with peace....amd pray for my husband that he will be at peace and trust God to take care of me.

Waiting

This weekend has started off quite relaxing.  My inlaws were so kind to invite the boys over for a sleepover last night and they were thrilled.  Chad and I went out to every car dealership in town after he got out of work and looked at cars..I think we have it narrowed down to five types we like, Saturn Aura, Chevy Malibu, Saab, Acura, and Ford Fusion. I was definately exhausted from walking so much last night as I haven't been on my feet for longer than 10 minutes at any given time this week but it also was nice to just get out of the house.  I felt very anxious being in a car while Chad drove us around and have a feeling it might take me a minute to get back into the saddle.  I didn't expect that but I guess it makes sense.  We picked up a movie and came home and I was out before the dvd even made it into the player. :) I slept in until 9:00 again so not my norm and then we picked up the boys and went for a short walk.  That's been my homework from my chiro is to talk for at least 10 minutes every day to get my muscles stretched.  It was a little humid but again nice to be out of the house. The boys played in the sprinkler when we got home and I spent time journaling which was great.  Now i'm going to take a nap and then we are going to church tonight.  And as the day goes by we are waiting...waiting to find out my test results, waiting to decide which car to get, and waiting for something else to come to fruition or not. What is cracking me up about all of this waiting is that I'm still calm and at peace with it....again not my "NORM"....I'm definately your type A, firstborn, "control" freak type of girl.  I'm just chalking it up to God molding me and i'm gladly accepting it.  Right now my biggest delima is what to make for dinner because this mama does not feel like cooking.  I'm think Papa Murphy's might be helping me out in that area tonight. On a complete side/random note, I don't know if you have checked out my community on the right of my page, but I would love to get feedback from you or have you start a new discussion.  Have a great weekend and Blessings!

Thunderstorms-Prayer Please

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep, which is odd considering the meds I'm on have helped me sleep better than ever! There have been thunderstorms going on all night and while I typically don't like them one bit I've been listening to this one thinking about how God has been ever present in this "thunderstorm". From the very minute our crash happened and throughout the week He's been right there.  We have been blessed from every angle.  The police, paramedics, doctors, friends, and family have all been amazing.  I have been humbled by the kindness and love but not surprised because we have so many awesome people in our lives.  It's been the "stranger's" kindness that has been comforting especially with the hundred questions I have and repeat phone calls to my insurance agent, the person who hit me's agent, the doctors etc.  We found out late Wed evening that our explorer is totaled. The frame was beyond repair along with a list of other items.  I'm probaly repeating myself from my previous post and I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Supposedly forgetfullness is common after an accident...lol Chad spent the better half of last night looking at cars online and asking my opinion, while I'm more of a in person kind of girl and will need to test drive it to give me opinion one way or the other.  Plus I'm not a huge car girl...I loved my big SUV BUT right now I know it's smart for us to get a car with all of the miles I am putting on it with my job.  So tonight we are going to test drive a few and start making out lists of likes/dislikes.  My top criteria are: black car, sun roof, nice size trunk, great cup holders for my java, and good gas mileage.  We'll see how close we get but we are definately going to take our time on this one and pray for wisdom.  We pick up our rental this morning and the insurance co is only providing one until Wed since it has already been determined that our car it totaled. I'm a little bummed because originally she told me 10 days but I'm going to call her back on Tues and see if they can extend it a day. Today's agenda consists of getting the rental, my chiro appt, and my MRI at 2:30 CST.  If you could please pray for me I would be so thankful.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous about the MRI.  Here's what my family practictioner told me: The calcified spot could be one of three things, just a calcified spot that needs to be monitored due to size, a clump of blood vessels that are enlarged, that would need to be removed to remove the risk of me having an anerism, and the last and my least favorite is a brain tumor.  My dr told me that based on the size of the spot and location she is confident it's not a brain tumor.  I'm thankful that this spot showed up on my CT after the accident because otherwise I don't know when it would have been found but I am anxious and would like to know the results.  I think that's partially why I'm awake so early...and praying I'll be able to fall asleep again shortly. My in laws are going to watch the boys today for us and have a sleep over for them.  They are estactic and as much as my inlaws frankly often bring conflict into my life I'm thankful that they are such good grandparents and love our boys the way that they do.  This weekend we have no plans except test driving cars, church, and picking up the house and i'm glad.  It will be nice to be at home and relax for the most part. I'm hoping to try some new recipes I found in my food and wine magazine. I'll keep you posted on how they turn out.

Perfect Peace

Normally I don't post twice in one day and technically it's 15 minutes until Thursday, but I'm awake and just have the urge to write yet again.  About an hour after I posted my last post my claims adjustor called to tell me our explorer is totaled.  The normal "me" would have freaked out, not kidding, but this time I was calm and frankly just felt peace about it.  He walked me through how everything will play out and besides him sending me a few things that were forgotten in my suv we are done with that part of the process.  Tomorrow I have to take the signed tital to our agent, pick up the police report, and get a rental car.  Then Chad and I have to start looking/test driving cars.  As Chad and I talked about it tonight...part of us is bummed because the explorer was almost paid off and we were planning on getting a second car within the next month so now we are back with one vehicle but i'm excited.  I'm excited because we will be saving a ton of money on gas by having a car.  I commute 1 hr 30 min each way to work every day and we have been spending a hefty amount on gas this year.  So between that and the difference of what we won't be spending on a car payment we will be able to keep saving and saving.  I also think we'll be able to get our bathrooms remodeled sooner than planned. So tonight I'm excited to see what car we will find and most of all so thankful everything is working out.  The boys told us they wanted a red van...and this mama had to tell them no.  As much as I agree vans are practical and alot of my girfriends swear by them I don't want to drive one.  I told Chad he could when we look for his car next:)  I'm guessing he'll take a pass on it but just had to throw it out there for him. Well I think my meds are finally kicking in because i'm starting to shut my eyes...that didn't take long. Until tomorrow, or today :)

Timing-Car Accident

I just finished rereading my post from Sat and am smiling. Why? Because my boys and I were in a car accident on Sunday and normally I would be freaking out about all of the details but i'm not...I'm leaning on God and the knowledge that His plan surpasses my understanding.  Our morning started out great...Chad made us breakfast and I piled the boys in the car and off we went to the grocery store.  I normally go grocery shopping at 5am and can't stand to go during normal business hours but I decided it would be a fun trip for the boys.  As we were driving home past our favorite coffee shop a lady in front of me put her blinker on to turn into her driveway and abruptly turned. I put my foot on the brake to slow down and head a pop....that pop was a four door truck slamming into the back of our explorer...on impacted our explorer was catipulted 20 feet....my body slammed forward then back...it took me a minute to figure out that I had just been hit by another car, but immediately my adreneline kicked in and I got out to check on the boys who praise the lord were fine. Noah complained of his teeth hurting initially and besides a  bump on Ky's head they were fine.  The person who hit me called 911 and I sat back down in my car because my head hurt so bad i thought I was going to lose consciousness. Thankfully I was close to home and we have a fire station blocks down. The police, ambulance, and fire engine were onsight within two minutes.  The police officer and paramedics were great with the boys and I...I was put in a brace and taken to the hospital...the boys were taken there as well in a different vehicle..I was distraught thought because i couldn't find my phone to call Chad and I didn't want to the boys to be by themselves. They did find it and called Chad right away.  They did a Catscan at the hospital of my head and spine and thankfully there was no internal bleading or damage to my spine.  They did however find a 4mm calcified spot on my brain and I will be getting a MRI on Friday to find out what it is.  Our explorer was smashed in the back and has been towed to an auto inspection site.  I'm praying we get a call today to discuss the extent of the damamge and if it's going to be fixable or totalled.  A big part of me feels that they are going to total it.  We only had three payments left and it would have been paid off.  I know that they trade in amount that they would give us wouldn't do much other than provide a decent down payment on a new vehicle.  It makes me sad but at the same time I know God truly has his hand on all of this and no matter what the outcome is, I'm alive and so are the boys and the people who were in the other car.  At the end of the day a car is just a car and replacable.  I'm beyond thankful that our boys are ok and glad that my injuries are fixable.  I went to my regular doctor yesterday and she has switched the meds i'm on which are knocking me out but I should be able to be off the strong one by this weekend.  I saw my chiropractor today and am thankful to have resources available to help me.  Now i'm just waiting for the police report to be completed, get a rental car, and find our about our car and next steps there.  This afternoon has been the first time since Sunday that I've been out of bed to sit and do something besides sleeping and while I'm feeling groggy I'm thankful for the time to do something productive. My dear friend Dawn is coming down and bringing us dinner and me lunch today.  I'm looking forward to the company and hopefully won't fall asleep on her..lol

Our families have been nothing short of amazing and supportive.  My mom has been over every day to help with laundry, dishes, and the boys.  Chad's rents have watched the boys while i've been at my appts and all day yesterday. His dad even brought over a plant for me...which made me smile because I can't keep plants alive to save my life.  I've tried to plant some this summer and do enjoy it however I'm already on my second set of plants for the summer and these ones seem to be dying a slow death as well...lol

So as I sit hear and wait I've had a lot of time to pray and just talk to God about my concerns and my heart and truly feel at peace with whatever the outcome is.  I know He knows our needs and will take care of the muddy details i'm worried about.  I'm thankful to have a heavenly Father who is constant the same today as yesterday and knows already what is going to happen.  That brings a smile to me because I know that He is in this situation and has been since before the accident happened on Sunday.  Most of all we are safe and still a family...a blessing I don't take for granted.  If you could pray for us as we transition to whatever the outcome will be I'd really appreciate it. Blessings!

When He Shows up

Over the past month at church Pastor Dave has been doing a series on American idols, sex, power, and money. As always I walk away in awe of his teaching of the word and passion for Christ. Last Saturday I took a ton of notes and have wanted to share with you and just write it down so I don't forgot. This message really touched my heart because I find myself personally struggling giving each day to Him and not trying to have a false sense of control.  Here are a few of my notes/thoughts:

• How often does Jesus show up in our lives and we don't recognize him
• Keep yourselves from idols
• In your problems there is His peace
• Ephesians 3:20- Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
• Our hearts only work well when Jesus is on the throne
• Phillipians 3:7- But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ
• Jesus wants to refine me like gold- Will I let him?
• For some people their temple is the office
• What is my temple
• A life devoted to things is a dead life
• Jesus was in front of Mary and Mary didn't even recognize Him

Do you ever find yourself in church and ready to tear up because God is using the sermon to speak to your current circumstances or situation? This series has hit home with me and if you follow my blog I'm sure you can guess why.  Two things that really hit home for me was when David talked about the temples in our life...are they money, power, the office...bingo. I sat there asking myself if the temple as was my office?  When he described the temples of our lives he meant where do we put our time and priorities.  Friends, if I'm being honest I am guilty of putting more energy into my office and job then is healthy.  This I know and God has been clearly speaking to me in more ways then one lately about this.  It is a struggle I have been dealing with for a while and more since I moved to corporate last year but the changes in my career and responsibilities have definately impacted my "temple". The second thing that really hit a cord was, How often does Jesus show up and we don't recognize Him. Yikes! This hurts my heart truly because it is my hearts desire to be used by Him daily but I'm sure there are times that I am so busy and trying to keep "control" of my day that I miss what he is trying to tell me or ask me to do.  This past week I did have to travel but when I was home I made a conscious effort to SLOW down and keep my email shut off and I can't tell you what a difference it made.  I actually sat outside on our deck and enjoyed reading a book for awhile which was wonderful.  I love to read and haven't in quite some time.  We also had a Uno game night with the boys which was a blast! I can't believe Noah is going to be in kindergarten in less than two months and Ky will me in preschool. 

This weekend is going to be a fun one! I'm going boating with our dear friends and Chad is having a boys day with his buddy and son with our two boys. It's a gorgeous day to be outside and I'm sure we will all be exhausted by this evening but it will a blast! I'm hoping we can go to church tonight but if not we'll go tomorrow.  And tomorrow we have NO plans and i love it!!! I do need to make our menu for the next two weeks and go grocery shopping and my weekly Target run but I always go grocery shopping around 6:00 am so i'm done before it gets crowded.  The farmers have been out with their produce and i'm hoping to get some sweet corn today or tomorrow so we can have it with whatever we make on the grill. I love sweet corn and could have that as a meal:) Well I should go and start putting away the loads of clean laundry that are staring at me while i'm typing.  I hope everyone has a wonderful Sat. If you have any prayer requests that I can be praying for you about please leave a comment or feel free to email me! I'd love to hear from you and pray for you. Blessings!

A Relaxing Saturday!

I can't tell you how awesome it is that Saturday is here! We are feeling better and were glad to get out of the house this morning and enjoy the fresh air! After having months of Saturdays filled with busy wedding planning, bridal shower, batchlorette party, and wedding it is wonderful to have a Saturday with no plans. I'm loving it.  I almost don't know what to do with myself, but don't worry we are finding plenty to do.  We took the boys out to a few stores. Chad is looking for a projector mount for his new projector.  I stopped in at Pier One to look around.  When then took the boys to a greenhouse that is nearby and have they have a big fish pond which our boys love! Our last stop was to rent a game for the boys and it couldn't have come at a better time.  We are trying to teach our boys that there are things in life that are privelages and not expected. Renting a game is a privelage and they now understand that.  While I would love to give them a game whenver they want I don't think it's in their best interest.  We do normally buy them a game every few months but once a month we let them pick out a game to rent.  Noah has been counting down for 14 days since I told him he could rent one and he hasn't stopped talking about it all day today.  He was trying so hard to be patient but you could tell he was busting at the seams.  So in we went and out we came with a lego game they are thrilled to play.  Now that we've had lunch I think i am going to actually work on laundry since I didn't do more than a load yesterday.  Once that's done and the boys take their nap I'm going to sit on our deck and read a book! I love to read and am so excited to have time this afteroon to relax and do just that. 

Thank you for your prayers yesterday! I had all three meetings and they went amazingly well.  One of them could have gone better and we'll see how that plays out but I know without a doubt that God gave me words or wisdom and peace.  I cant' tell you what a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!!! It's huge.

Tonight we are going to church and I can't wait!! I just love our pastor and can't wait to be fed spiritually.  My dear friend is back from Haiti and she will be there as well.  I'll also get to see Ash since she is back from her honeymoon.  We saw her briefly last week but it will be nice to see her for more than five minutes. I can't tell you how hard it was this week not to call her at 8am like I normally do.  I promised her husband I'd wait until at least nine and i'm already in my office by then.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful fun filled Saturday! I know we are and I'm thankful for a weekend at home with the fam! Blessings.

Cabin Fever!

That's right...I'm having major cabin fever! I haven't left the house since Monday and I'm getting anxious.  I don't remember the last time I have been home for this long.  I've enjoyed spending alot of time with the boys, reading, lounging, since we haven't felt good, and playing many board games.  But yesterday I felt like I needed to get out! I watched at least 6 episodes of top chef, which before yesterday I never watched, and now i'm hooked.  I tried to get caught up on work email but frankly just didn't have the gusto to put a whole lot energy/thought into it.  Today I was back to work, but worked from home. The phone started ringing bright and early but it was wonderful just sitting in my yoga pants plugging away.  My mom and Grams stopped over for an hour to help with the boys who were home today, because Noah still wasn't 100% and I greatly enjoyed their company.  I ran out of coffee beans two days ago and have missed my daily java! My mom was so sweet and stopped to pick me up my favorite coffee drink from our coffee shop around the corner.  It made my day! Tomorrow is Friday and it feels like my Monday.  I'm heading into the city and have a busy day ahead of me.  I have three big meetings back to back and have lost a bit of sleep over them this week.  They are each crucial to different implementations within our organization and I am not looking forward to them.  Sometimes I wish I had a job that I could leave at work.  I'm thankful for the job/opportunities I have as I realize many people are without a job, but some days I wish I could leave it at work and not bring it home.  I find myself having a hard time putting my iphone away and not checking my emails/messages often.  I also have a hard time just relaxing and letting my open items sit until the next day.  Once the boys go to bed I often open work right back up in hopes of getting a head start on the next day.  And lastly when I'm on vacation a day doesn't go back that I check in multiple times....I know as I'm typing this I realize I need to work on this and really pray about prioritizing my day.  Others do it and I don't know why I struggle with it so much.  Any suggestions on how you might deal with your day and leaving work at work?  It's important to me that our boys have my undivided attention when I am home.  Sorry I just went off on a tangent...I guess I just needed to get that out.  I'm off to check on my piles of laundry in hopes that a laundry ferry attacked them while I was working today:) And then its play time with my main men.

The Flu...ugh!

I remember growing up my mom always did a great job of taking care of us when we were sick.  And I love cudding with my boys when they don't feel good, but what I'm not good at is cleaning up puke.  I'm just being honest..it's not my gift.  This weekend Chad started to not feel good on Sunday and he thought he had food poisoning...I doubted it but didn't even think it was the flu.  I always thought the flu went around in the winter....well I was wrong! Last night I worked late and went to bed around 10:30...and about twenty minutes after that Noah came in our room and said, "Daddy I got sick on my bed, on Kylan, in the hallway, and the bathroom.  I tried to clean it up and i'm sorry"...I don't think I've ever jumped out of bed so quick. My poor baby was sick and felt bad that he couldn't clean it up..I wanted to cry right then.  So Chad and I get up and access the damage and yes there was puke everywhere!!! including Ky's head...I wish I was kidding.  The smell and sight of it made me want to get sick...so we woke up poor Ky who does not do well being woken up out of a dead sleep and stripped them both down for a shower.  After that we all piled into our room and luckily made it through the night with no other incidents. This morning I woke up did some work and felt the onset of sickness and now 3 out of 4 of us are sick...chicken noodlos, gatordade and club crackers are gracing our counter and I think i've watched every episode of phineas and ferb that exists!  I'm thankful we were able to enjoy the long weekend minus poor chad...but now I don't want to miss work because i'm sick.. :( Here's to hydrating and clorox wipes! :)

Family and pictures!

The bride and groom!I love being their mom!MikeSome of my sisters and two of my cousins!Patiently waiting for the party! :)

This week has been truly a blessing in so many ways! My brother, Mike, was able to stay and extra week which we ate up! We had so many wonderful talks and just watching him hang out with our boys melted my heart. You see when my brother left Wisconsin 20 months ago he was just recovering from his drug addiction and for close to two years before he left he was a different person than the Mike I had known. At one point he didn't communicate with any of us for 9 months and my mom and I would often see him around town looking hollow and his clothes falling off of him. That's the short version but I think you can understand from this small tidbit how different the Michael I spent time with today is different from the Michael who lived here before. God has truly used Florida as an opportunity for him to get clean, move away from his "friends" and figure out what he wants to do with life. God has also used it as a place to bring him back to Him...and I can't tell you the joy our family feels that Mike has given his life back to Christ. Anyhow this week we were able to talk through many things that have happened in our lives and it was great! I love his laugh, his bear hugs and his heart. Yesterday we had to say goodbye and that was so hard!!! I took the boys over to my mom's in the morning and Mike and I sat our on the porch for an hour and just talked about his next steps. He really wants to come back home and finish school after he is finished with basic, but right now he has to talk to his recruiting officer because he is part of the National Guard in Florida and has to see if he can transfer. After lunch we got him all packed and took him to the airport...I'm not sure who it was harder for, but we are hoping he can home next month for a week before going to basic so we were trying to stay positive. Today, the boys and I had a play date with my dear friend MJ and her son C-man... I love them both! C-man is 11 months and is so precious to me. We took all of our boys to our favorite coffee shop this morning for a latte and scone and then headed to my house and the boys played in the pool and slip and slide. And the hose was a huge attraction...lol...forget all of the summer toys we buy for them...the green hose was great! MJ and I cracked up and caught up on life and compared stories of our past weeks and motherhood. It's so nice to have a friend to share play dates with. After they left we headed over to Ash's house to drop off all of the tables cloths I washed for her while she was on her honeymoon. If I don't see another table cloth for the next 7 years I'll be great:) We got to catch up with her and Kris for a minute but we didn't want to stay long as they still have to unpack and get ready to jump back into life tomorrow. Plus I have a lot of work to do and wanted to have some down town with the fam... Oh and I forgot to share one of my favorite moments of our whole weekend!!! Last night I decided to have a slumber party with the boys. We brought blankets and "a few stuffed animals"...While I was setting the fort up I asked them to pick out a few animals and their pillow and bring them downstairs. Five minutes later I go upstairs to see their whole bedroom in the hall way...books and all. And of course I wanted to be the cool mom and helped them bring it all downstairs..and they spent a good thirty minutes trying to figure out each animal's sleeping arrangements. We then played memory, read books, and watched episodes of Max and Ruby, Diego, and Backyardagains. I think we finally fell asleep at 11 which never happens but was so worth it. This morning Ky woke me up at 7:30 and was upset because we forgot to play Sequence....so at 8:00 this morning we were up playing Sequence... Tonight we are relaxing and getting ready for the week. I'm so thankful it's a short one. I have two big presentations tomorrow and true Mimi style am waiting until the last minute to put my finishing touches on it. I figure I'll do them while watching The Bathlorette. Before I forget here are a few pictures from a wonderful wedding! I hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th!

She's married!

This week has been a whirlwind of amazing memories! My brother was here all week and we spent so many hours just talking and catching up. I love talking with him and one of my favorite memories was sitting on the deck of my favorite coffee shop and talking about our past year in depth. Mike and I talk on a weekly basis but I treasured being able to sit across the table from him and talk without interuptions. Ash and I had a lot of fun at the spa spending the day getting pampered, having lunch, and talking about her future with Kris. I loved every minute of our day! Three days before their wedding I started waking up in the middle of the night and couldn't get my brain to shut off...lol and on the morning of her wedding I was up at 4am putting together gift bags for the bridesmaid and had the car packed by 6am. I went and visited with some of my family that came from out of town and was rambling as my coffee had kicked in :) By 10:00 I was getting my hair done and then off to the church we went. Ash was extremely calm (or at least perceived to be) and had a great time chatting it up and getting ready. The tears started flowing as we prayed over her and one of the groomsmen delivered a card from Kris. 20 minutes before the wedding the bridesmaids made a barcade and we dashed down the hall to take some pictures with the photographer before the ceremony began. The actual ceremony was amazing and even though I'm a little partial it truly was one of the neatest weddings I've ever been too. The recited traditional vows but then read their personnel vows to each other and the tears were flowing! Thankfully I had plenty of kleenex :) The reception was a blast and my little man danced the night away while the other didn't stop running! I truly enjoyed catching up with all of our family who came from out of town and wished we could have all stayed together one more day. This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn to take Mike to the airport.....picked our coffee up and away we went. An hour and a half later we pull into the airport only to decide it would be great for him to stay an extra week. And fifteen minutes last after locating a cheap one way ticket we turned around and drove all the way home! That story will make our history book. I'm thankful to have another week with him because I don't know after this when we will see him next. I came home and crashed with the boys who were watching cartons and didn't move until after 4. I just now started moving around the house and taking notes of all that needs to be picked up....ALOT! I'm praying for a first wind and hoping to get some of it down tonight. We'll see...i'm off tomorrow and so glad I took the day! I have to say after being off for a week and spending so much time with the family I'm not looking forward to going back. I love what I do but over the past week I've reflected alot on how much time I truly spend working and frankly haven't felt like cleaning out my inbox at all. I'll post pics soon. I just realized I uploaded them to my laptop but will definately share our fantastic day! Blessings!

She's getting married!

My sweet sister Ashley is getting married in two days and I can't believe it! She is a couple of years younger than me and one of my best friends! I couldn't be happier for her and have been helping her plan her special day since October. Things are coming together wonderfully and we had a great day at the spa yesterday relaxing! This week has been wonderful for so many reasons. My brother Michael, has lived in Florida for the past 20 months. Since he was in high school he struggled with both alochol and drug addictions both of which got out of control when he was 20 and 21. He made a huge decision 20 months ago that he needs to get clean and have a change of scenery. We couldn't have agreed with him more! And 20 months later he came home for Ashley's wedding and I have been crying almost every day since he has been home. On Sat for the first time in 6 years we went to church as as a family, Mike included and it was awesome! I will treasure that moment for a long time to come. Mike and I have had so many wonderful conversations and have just enjoyed hanging out. The boys have clung to him like white on rice and my youngest is his biggest fan. I'm not sure who is will be harder for when Mike leaves on Sunday, me or them. We took the boys miniature golfing with Mike and Chad and they had a blast! I just praise God for the miracles He has performed in Mike's life and how great it is to have my brother back. Today we are heading to the church to set up which should be fun then I have to find shoes for the boys to go with their tuxes. And somewhere in between all of the I need to figure out what to make for dinner...I'm almost thinking it's going to be a Papa Murphy's night. :)
Oh and before I forget we had family pics done on Sun which was awesome! I just saw a sample of them and had to share. She hasn't done any editing on these so there are a few glares but overall I just lover them! I promise to post pics of the wedding!

So many fun things!

Well it's been a busy couple of weeks! I went to Greenville South Carolina for a week with work and fell in love with the downtown area! They had so many fun shops and restaurants and I was able to frequent a few. The Lazy Goat and High Cotton were my favorite and there was a Starbucks on the other side of my hotel which was awesome! The bonus for me was being able to see my Grandma, Aunt, and my cousin and her family. I truly enjoyed just hanging out with them and catching up. It was wonderful! My cousin has 5 year old twins and they cracked me up. I'm thankful that I can now see them on a regular basis and get to know them. I flew in and out of Charlotte this time and was on a big plane which made for less turbulence and less anxiety for me. I got home on a Friday evening and had to turn around and fly to Kansas City that Monday. I was not too happy about that and honestly was quite emotional. I missed being home and with my boys and Chad! Noah was graduating from his pre-K program and it broke my heart that I wouldn't be there. It only made it worse when I got to the airport on Monday and found out we were taking a small jet. I had a panic attack and really had to work through that. I kept praying for peace and God truly helped me work through that one. Kansas City was a great trip. I met alot of great people but the long hours were alot. I couldn't keep up with my day to day work because of the late meetings and dinners so I was anxious to get back and just have a few days to catch up. Fortunately, unfortunately I flew back Thursday night and the next evening the festivities for my sister's batchlorette party began. Friday night we went shopping and got everything ready and Saturday at 7am we headed to the train station to head into the city. It was a wonderful trip and all of the girls had a great time. I was a little nervous because there was 7 of us and a variety of ages, but we truly all enjoy each other's company and made a lot of neat memories. I still can't believe she is getting married in two weeks!! Our brother Michael is coming home on Saturday and I can't wait. It's been 20 long months since I've seen him and I just want to give him a huge hug. I'm taking next Tuesday through Friday off and can't wait to have family time with everyone. We are going to have family pictures down on Sunday which will be an amazing gift for all of us! We haven't had a family picture since my youngest sister was a toddler so this will be so special!

Today I took the day off. I woke up exhausted from everything and did just decided to call it a day. I moved my meetings and rolled over and went back to bed. I woke up at 11:34 and had to do a double take at the clock as I can't remember the last time I slep that long, but I know I needed it. My mom came over and we chatted over coffee and played with the boys. It was so wonderful just to sit and talk with my mom...I truly enjoy our friendship and am so thankful that we live in the same town. It's also wonderful to see the relationships she has with our boys and I treasure that! Growing up in a military family we moved my whole life and I saw my grandparents once a year if I was lucky and I'm so thankful that my boys are able to have relationships with all of their grandparents and our siblings.

Here are some pictures from our fun weekend! More of the wedding and family time to come. God Bless!

Praying for peace

Tonight I'm headed to the airport and flying out early in the morning! I'm praying I can fall asleep once I get to the hotel. I've been nervous all day and trying to keep my mind occupied. We had a great day with the boys laying low, playing games and just enjoying being together. I did a ton of laundry so Chad doesn't hve to worry about it while I'm gone. I finished packing and re packing and them we went out to dinner because I couldn't stop pacing...lol. My boss and a co worker are flying with me to sc but I'm staying there longer and flying by myself back home. I know in my heart that God is wiser than I am and I know he knows all of my days and while I should find peace I'm that I can't get my head and heart to be in sync and a peace. Quite honestly I don't think it would be so bad if I didn't have my boys but the thought of not being there for them scares me. Please pray for me..that God will give me peace and calmness. It's been so wonderful being home for the past several week but now I'm gone for the next two weeks and I'm strugglig with that. Thankfully I will be home this Sunday but have to leave again on Monday. The great thing is that I will be off for four days in a row the week my sister gets married and I can't wait! We will be taking family pics as this will be the first time in over three years that we will all be together and I can't wait! Well I hope everyone had a wonderful memorial day weeknd. I know we did an are eapecially thankful for all of the men and women who serve our country!

6years and P90:)

This weekend the hubby and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary and I enjoyed every minute of our day together. We packed a picnic lunch and headed up north to go hiking for several hours and had a wonderful time together, not to mention a great work out! We talked, laughed, and talked some more. It was warm, sunny, and full of heart filled memories. My favorite part was our picnic lunch by the lake. We drove home and I took a nap them we went to a really nice place for dinner. As we spent the day reflecting on things I thought back to where we spent our anniversary last year. We went away to tennessee and losing mason was still fresh on our minds and hearts. Last year at this time I couldn't get through a day without crying, I had shutdown, and was grasping to find peace. This year as I look back to all we've been through the past year I'm thankful to be where I am at. My heart it full of joy and peace. I'm more in love with my husband then I could possibly imagine! I look into his eyes and my heart still melts. We have been talking and praying for months and have both decided we went to expand our family and plan on trying after my sisitwr gets married next month. We've had some great talks about another baby, some filled with tears, some with smiles, and others revolving around chads concerns of what if. We both agree that God knows where we are and He is the same today as he was yesterday and last year. Not going to lie and say I'm not the least bit nervous because I am, but Im trusting him to be by our side every step of the way. Now I'm more focused then ever to be in better phsical shape.... I was in such better shape last summer which is kind of frustrating, BUT the hubby and I just started doing P90 today and I'm stoked to see how this joirney progresses. We took all of our measurments and pictures! Now I can't wait for our 30 day picture to see the changes. Here is to a great Monday!

Can't sleep

For the past three days I have woken up out of a dead sleep at 2am....and have felt the need to just pray...and so I have. I've tried to go back to sleep each night and just can't..tonight has been no exception. I switched the laundry over, will probaly head to the kitchen shortly, and plan on going for an early jog at 4am :) But my heart is praying and seeking God's direction and waiting. I've never felt so confident of where I am in life but also feel like He is talking to me to do more and He has my full attention. A few weeks ago I mentioned I had a great idea laid on my heart by the Holy Spirit and I've continued to pray for the past few weeks for confirmation and without a doubt I know this is what he wants me to do for Him at the moment. I've been taking quilting classes since Feb. and am loving it but more than that I've had a desire to use that hobby to serve Him. Haiti has long been on my heart as our church works closely with two orphanages in Haiti and has built a hospital, and sends groups there every couple of months. My sister, her fiance, and several of our friends left Haiti the day the big quake hit last year. Since then God has laid the people of Haiti on my heart Heavily! I'm going to make a quilt and sell it....taking all of money and donating it to our mission fund for Haiti. I've thought of making quilts for the orphans we support but they are living in tents right now and I think I could make more money for them by making a quilt and auctioning it off...what do you think? I've never done this before so i'm not sure if I should sell it on ebay...by word of mouth, make a button for my blog, but regardless i'm going to start sewing and get this quilt made. I know He will take care of the details as the quilt is completed. As my morning begins i'm thankful for His patience with me, for his Grace, and for the cross. More and more I've been reminded this week of whose in control and I can tell you right now it's not me. I was driving home last night and heard this.. "i'm not in control, He is,and His wisdom far surpases mine, and because of that I will put my full trust in Him. And I knew I was meant to hear that because I have been struggling with my fear of flying ever since I drove back from SC. I have to fly back the first week in June and then to Kansas City the following week and i've been dreading it...because of course I won't be in control and someone else will be. But then I heard the above blurp on K-Love and God gently reminded me that He can handle my insecurities.