" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Moving and Chicken Parmesan

Well it's 10:00 exactly and i'm wide awake...most likely because I took a long nap this afternoon, but it was so worth it! My mom and sisters (who still live at home)...i'm the oldest of 6..my youngest sister Jess is 11, moved this weekend. She has been living in a townhouse/1 of 16 that are connected for the past 6 years and God's timing was perfect and she just moved into the duplex on of my dear friends Amy moved out of last month. We've been wanting her to move for some time now but God has this duplex waiting for her and everything worked out perfect. The landlord repainted the whole duplex and put new carpeting in for her, not to mention it is so darn cute and will be perfect for her and two of my sisters. Now came the fun part...moving. Friday was gorgeous here so I left work at 2:00 and my friend, M, met me and we started taking truckloads over to her new place. Did I mention that it is less than a mile from her old to her new place? That was awesome! With my explorer and my mom's truck we took 6 loads over which was a great start. She rented a U-Haul for Sat...but bad weathe was supposed to come (and it did..! ). My Grams flew in last Tuesday from SC to help my mom pack and she has been such a blessing. She is 80 but is the busiest woman I know and still runs circles around us. Saturday M and I were supposed to participate in a race but it was lightening and storming...we drove to Madison for the race but never made it to the start line due to the weather...instead we hit the mall, my favorite running shoe store, Barnes and Nobles, and Trader Joe's. I've never been to Trader Joe's before and have wanted to go for years...and now am in love with it!!! So we hit those stores quick and drove all the way back to my mom's and continued the moving process. My wonderful husband was most of the muscle, besides one of my brother's friends who came by and helped for hours. What a blessing he was. We finished unloading the second load off of the uhaul at 5:00 and returned the truck at 6:00...and then ordered amazing chinese food. :) We were all excited to have my mom moved in but of course the unpacking process, and cleaning the old place still need to be done by this coming Friday. M watched the boys for us on Sat and we picked them up at 6 and brought them back to my mom's while Chad put all of the bed's together for my mom. We left her place at 9:00 and while I intended to go back and help my energy was gone by the time we got home. I decided to crash and was up early as always and back at her place by 6:45. We got a lot done today and I left there around noon and spent the rest of the day with the family. I took a long nap when the boys did and then watched golf for a bit when I woke up. I finally got my second wind and did laundry, filed paperwork, did dishes and made Chicken Parmesan and garlic bread with wine for dinner....it was amazing!!!!

I also worked on organizing my scrapbook room which has become a storage room of sorts with several of my projects that I want to do but haven't started and still has my carry on from my trip to Texas with my journal that I started on that trip. I know I need to get back to writing and finish my timeline that I want to complete and continue reading the books I bought. While this weekend was a good one in many ways, this past week was a rather rough one for me. Chad picked up on it right away and I got quite depressed on Wed and didn't think I was going to be able to stay at work because I couldn't get the tears to stop. I've been working out six days a week and that seems to be helping, but then this week I just got frustrated and felt like I was back to square one. I think that is what is the hardest part for me....my life will never be the same and I keep thinking it will at some point get back to "normal". I get frustrated with my rough days and think I expect to much of myself but as Wendy (my counselor) reminds me...i've lost a child...I lost my son...it just isn't going to go away...I can't fix it...I can only embrace this process, trust God, grieve.....and take one day, one hour at a time. Chad and I were talking about all of this one the way home from work on Wed and I told him what's been the hardest part is that when Mason died I lost "control" of my life....the false sense of control I so strongly try to hold onto. I know God is teaching me to let go of that and grasp on to Him and let Him carry me...and I am, but it hasn't been easy. I've always known He is there and have no problem letting him control many areas of my life, but then there are certain areas of my life that I know I hold onto for dear life and I believe with all of my heart that losing Mason is teaching me so many things and one of the main ones is that I don't have true control of my life. Yes, I have choices and have control over them and I might try and control a situation, but only God knows what tomorrow and the next is going to bring and I need to let Him have all of me...and let go of this false sense of control that I have been holding on to for so long. Even as I type this I'm in awe of what he is teaching me every day...little by little...He has my full attention and while I still don't understand and continue to ache for my baby...I am resting safe in the arms of God, and letting Him carry me. I'm struggling, I'm having better days, some really bad ones, moments that bring waves of tears, moments of joy with my family and friends, but He's still holding on to me and i'm not letting go or turning back. I will not let Satan win....I will continue to Praise Him in this Storm as so rightfully said by Casting Crowns. This is my Storm and I pray that I will grow as a woman of God and be used by Him for whatever His purpose is. I know right now I need to be in the word and be in prayer daily and I need to listen. I'm good at talking and not always listening, but right now i'm listening, praying, and waiting.

I know this post is all over the place but it feels good to share everything... Please let me know how I can pray for you. I'd be honored to do so.

Monday, April 20, 2009


One of my best friends turns thirty tomorrow. We've both been through a lot these last few months and I thought it would be a nice surprise for her to take her on a day trip....destination unknown to her. I've never been to Galena, IL but a girlfriend I work with has and raves about it...especially Galena Cellars...an amazing winery. So Galena was my destination and slowly my plan fell into place. I told M to be ready by 7am yesterday....and the day begin. Let me begin by saying that M is NOT a morning person...but I am and wanted to get an early start because it is a little over 2 hours to Galena. I made blueberry scones the night before and picked up hot chocolate for her. I met her at the door with camera in tow and gave her, her first gift. Two more are to follow this week... We got to Galena...which is a small town, but Main street is full of amazing shops and restaurants. We started at Galena Cellars and tasted 12 wines....fortunately/unfortunately I liked 11 of the 12 and knew my husband would have a heart attack if I came home with 11 bottles of wine especially since I just brought home 4 bottles on Friday after visiting a local winery. So M and I decided to each pick out 3 bottles (different ones) and we made a pack to drink the bottles with each other. Plus we decided while we were there that it would be a great Mother's day gift for our moms, so it looks like we'll be going back the end of June. After the winery we went and visited all of the amazing shops and loved them!!! We ate lunch at this place called Durty Gurtz and it was awesome!!!!! The funny part was while we were driving home I thought we were both going to start falling asleep because it started to rain.....so we whipped out some white cheddar popcorn that we got from this amazing popcorn shop and ate half the bag just to try and wake us up..it worked for about 20 minutes. I was planning on making chicken parmesan over wheat penne for dinner but after I took the wrong turn and got us lost for 40 minutes we opted for pizza hut and wine:) I crashed on the couch in the media room at 6:30 and didn't wake up until Chad moved me to go to bed.

While yesterday was amazing I felt horribly sick today. I've been back on Weight Watchers since the week after Mason died and my body has detoxed so eating all of that unhealthy food made me feel horrible. I left work at 9:30 this morning and came home and slept for five hours straight...I think for many reasons I just needed it. I went to spinning class tonight and a run and was back to my healthy routine food wise and feel so much better tonight.

It was fun to make new memories with M, laugh, try some new wine, and get a way for a bit.

As I sit here tonight it feels good to work out and get my feelings out in a healthy way...but as I sit here I miss Mason...I miss my baby...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

With a Broken Hallelujah

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted last. So much has happened the past couple of weeks. My time in Texas was a true blessing. I'm still on awe of how God knew months ago when I made my plans to see my best friend, that over the months to follow, the reason for me going to see her would change. While I was there I had quiet time with him every morning and it was wonderful. Up until I went to Texas I couldn't get a prayer out...the tears would come and come...and I know the Holy Spirit knows my heart and the prayers that I want to say but it was in Texas on my morning runs that I poured my heart out to him and would listen to Mason's CD as I cooled down. It was during this time the emotions came flying but the healing process was continuing. During my time in Texas my best friend and I went to a winery, Custom Crush, which was so much fun, and went to one of our favorite places, The Melting Pot. It was wonderful to laugh, cry, and be there with her during all of it. I read a book, "Safe in the Arm of God" by John MacArthur and have been so blessed by it. I was given the homework by my counselor before I left to journal everything that happened over the week I lost Mason. I had explained to her that I couldn't get the pictures out of my head and I remembered everything with so much detail and it was that raw pain that was helping me feel close to Mason. I know that probaly doesn't make a lot of sense but that is how I felt before I left. She made a good point and said that by writing it all down I can not try and hold onto those moments so hard, in fear that I will forget him or what happened, and that I will always have my journal to turn to if I want to read about what happened over those days. I worked on my outline while I was there and read the whole book. I want to go back and read it again and write down a lot of things from the book in my journal I've started. It is truly an amazing book.

It was quite emotional coming back to Wisconson because I felt almost stressed as soon as I got off of the plane...back to my house, where I can't stop thinking about Mason, back to the town where everywhere I go things remind me of the funeral, the hospital, the cemetary, the days before, the days after....but God is moving and working and He knows all and is not moved or changed by what has happened to me. He sits in Heaven where my precious son is worshipping Him and is going to get me through this. Before I left my counselor had asked me what gift Mason gave me...and I couldn't come up with anything...because every gift I felt his life was going to bring from us, was abruptly taken from me, and in it's place was a pain I have never experienced before. It has been in these last couple of weeks that I can now say Mason has given me the gift of perserverance, motivation, and a desire for Heaven that I have never had before. Don't get me wrong I've always looked forward to being in Heaven with Jesus but since Mason died I long for Heaven...I long to be with Jesus and my baby. I mean that in a healthy way. I know God has a plan for the rest of my life on earth and I'm waiting to see what that is, and am continuing on with the grieving process, the good days and bad, but also seeking God in a way I never have before.

I just got back from running and taking a spinning class at the Y. Since I decided to drop my class this semester I have my evenings free and have turned to working out as a healthy way to deal with my grief. It has been a great outlet for me to let everything out. We even got a family membership to the Y so Chad and I can work out together. Since Mason died I feel that we have grown distant and we had a long talk about two weeks ago. We will be celebrating our five year anniversary next month. We have talked about going to Mexico for our five year anniversary since we got married, but when I found out I was pregnant we decided to wait until after he was born. When Mason died Chad brought up the idea of going somewhere, but I was unsure that I would be up for it and wouldn't be able to enjoy it. God has worked in my heart so much over these past two months and I truly believe Chad and I need to go away together and spend time reconnecting and talking. I feel that in a big way I have stopped talking to him only because I know it pains him to hear how i'm feeling and I began to feel guilty for saying the same day almost every day. Well my wonderful husband found a beautiful cabin in Tennessee that we are going to for 5 days and I can't wait. I'm so excited to spend time with him one on and one and just talk and love each other. He is truly my best friend, but I know Mason's death has distanced us in a sense and I know we need the time together to work through things. Well I need to get cleaned up since the boys just finished their baths and grab something for dinner. Thank you for all of your prayers.

Oh and Erika I love Andrew's Song! I bought Mandisa's CD this weekend and can't stop listening to it.