" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Monday, May 25, 2009

While I'm Waiting I Will Serve You...

It's seems like forever since I have posted and I've missed the opportunity to share what's going on with you, but the past couple of weeks have been a whirl wind. I'll warn you that this post will be all over, but I'm excited to share with you what God is doing.

Mother's Day this year was one filled with much anticipation/panic. Let me start by saying that I'm incredibly blessed to have two amazing boys at home. This year I hugged them so hard they probaly thought I wasn't going to let go. But with Mason's death three months ago, I also thought that it would be a hard/bittersweet day. The week before Mother's Day I started having panic attacks almost every day and I know the source of it was I wasn't sure how Mother's Day was going to be. I remember the night before Mother's Day Chad was out with a friend and my little sister was over at our home and I called him in the middle of his dinner and asked him to come pick her up and take her home because I was losing it and didn't want her to see my upset. I was dreading the next day at that point. I woke up on Mother's Day and went for a long run, and listened to my "mason cds" as I like to call them which God has truly spoken to me through. I hadn't been to church in three weeks, mostly because of our schedules but also because I can't seem to get through a service without bawling my eyes out. As I finished my run and was getting in my car, my sister Ashley called, and asked if I was planning on going to church. At that point I wasn't, but she said we were having a guest speaker, and that she heard her at Saturday night's service and really thought I would get a lot from her. Below is the link to our church's website and her sermon. The Holy Spirit moved me and I raced home to wake up Chad and the boys and we were out the door in a record 40 minutes for church.

My sister was right, God knew I needed to her what she had to say and the Holy Spirit moved me and while I was sitting in church I felt lead to speak to our pastor and speak to our congregation about Mason and my story. I haven't talked to Him yet as I know I'm not ready to speak just yet, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is healing my heart and I want more than anything to share what He has tought me through this journey.

At the end of the service, I had a mess of kleenex in my lap, and my sister hugged me and prayed over me. This mother's day my arms felt heavy and ached for my baby that I will not hold again for a very long time. The tears poured as I remembered the two precious days I had to hold him.....the two days that seemed so long but really were too short. We left church and took the boys to my girlfriend's house and Chad and I went to visit Mason at the cemetary. It was the first time Chad had gone with me to visit Mason since we buried him and it was very special, but so hard. We then went and picked up the boys and had lunch at home. After we put the boys down for their nap, Chad gave me my mother's day gift. I opened the box and pulled out a Willow Tree box, that said "Loved so loved" on the outside and when I opened there was a box inside with a mother holding a baby, and it opens with the same inscriptin inside. My wonderful husband found this precious memory box that he thought would be perfect for Mason's braclet and other things I have of his from the hospital and funeral. I lost it right there at the table. Chad was concerned that I might not like it and said I could return it, but it was perfect and it touched my heart that he came across this all on his own. The rest of the afternoon went well. The boys woke up and we played and had a wonderful dinner. It was a hard day but bittersweet and God held my hand through the whole thing, and I don't say that lightly.
Our anniversary was on May 22nd....5 years. We went away to Pigeon Forge Tenn. for a week and rented a cabin. It was truly wonderful and a blessing! Chad and I truly needed the time to be together, just the two of us, and we were blessed by each day shared. Above are a few pictures from our trip. We hiked two different trails in the Smoky Mountains, went to five wineries, had a blast in the cabin just hanging out, did some shopping, alot of talking, laughing, crying, and reflecting. Overall we walked away from that trip closer and really worked through/talked about Mason and the things that have happened since he died. I'm blessed to have a husband that loves me unconditionally and has been so patient and had not gotten tired of being supportive or listening to how I'm doing. I know the loss of our son has been different for him than I and when I say that I mean that Chad has grieved the loss of Mason, and while he too misses him, he has been able to pick back up and continue on without the struggles that I'm having. That being said I know that my bond with Mason was so different because I carried him and I don't fault Chad one bit, but sometimes I feel like I should be at a certain part in the grieving process, but am then reminded that there is no timeline for what I'm gonig through but that the grieving process does evolve and I will never stop grieving the loss of Mason, but my bad days will get less, and even years from now i'm sure I'll have moments that are hard, but God is the God of healing and I trust that He will continue to be my stronghold.
Now i'm speeding up to today...Memorial Day...It's been a hard day...I woke up early and went for a run which I'm finding has been so therapuetic for me. I then came home and cleaned up a bit and then my mom and I went to visit Mason together. She has been wanting to go with me since the funeral but alot of times when I go I just like to be by myself. It was wonderful having her there with me and we had a good couple of hours afterwards together. I went home and took a nap with the boys while Chad helped moved some couches to my mom's new place and then got up, made banana bread, playdough with the boys, and some yummy orange chicken from Trader Joe's for dinner. After dinner I continued my spring cleaning that I have been working on since we got back on Friday. I then ran to my mom's to drop some things off and now here I am with my glass of wine reflecting on everything. I so wish I had a couple of hours were I could share so much more about the past few weeks, but I made a goal today to put aside an hour every night and stop and blog, pray, read scripture, and read one of my books I got after Mason died. I want to do all of these things daily, but am notorious to sticking to my routine and it never fails that my quiet time often gets bumped because i'm so busy getting something ready for the next day. While in Tennesse God really put it on my heart to spend more time in the word and in prayer. I found a really neat prayer journal and will share the link to the website tomorrow.
That's it for now but I have some cute pictures of the boys that I will share tomorrow. God Bless!