" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Monday, March 23, 2009

Texas and Healing

It's been another long week, but this weekend was actually really good. I had another session with W on Thursday and it was my first one since Mason died that I didn't need a kleenex. She says that as an outsider looking in, she can tell i'm processing things and moving through the grief process, and this weekend I had to agree with her. My heart is still aching, but I'm also leaning on God in a way I never have before. He is giving me strength hour by hour and this weekend was actually a good one. I had a wonderful time with our boys and my hubby. We took Noah and Ky and bought Noah a new bike and helmets for both boys. We took them to lunch and then after their naps went on a walk with them while they road their bikes. It was a lot of fun. I've also been doing a lot of reading, in the Bible and from the stack of books I ordered online. The book I am reading right now is called, "Safe in the arms of God" by John MacArthur and it's really amazing. One of the sentences that stuck out to me the past couple of days is, "The first and foremost things we can conclude with certainty about a child is this: Every child conceived is a God-created and God-loved person with a God-given purpose and destiny. Let your comfort begin with the truth. God created your child. God loved your child and continues to love your child. God's purpose and destiny for your child are fulfilled perfectly, even if the child dies. The reality of that is beyond anything you can know fully this side of heaven." These couple of sentences have brought me a lot of comfort. Mason didn't get to come home with us from the hospital, but he went Home and is being loved. God had a plan for Mason, it just wasn't at home with us. Mason was created in my womb and is now being used by God. The same God who loves me unconditionally and continues to stand by my side as I have my good days and bad, my days where I can't pray, and my days when I can't stop talking to him. He's there with me every Sunday as I go see my baby, and he's there with me as I'm working out like a crazy person trying to push all of the feelings out. Most importantly Mason is experiencing something I won't for hopefully a long time, but he is safe, healthy, loved, and as I imagine dancing up there with the angels. I can't even imagine what his "typical day" must be like, but today I find comfort, true comfort, in knowing he is being held by the same God who is holding me and I have to trust Him, because while there are so many things I don't understand, I will not let Satan win this time. I give God all the glory for helping me each day and teaching me something new as I go through this journey.

I will be leaving tomorrow to go to Texas for five days to see my best friend Carmen and I can't wait. We planned the trip two months ago, because she is moving this summer and I knew I wouldn't be able to travel in my third trimester. Little did I know then that God had another reason for me going, but the timing is just right. I'm looking forward to sleeping, reading, and hanging out with my best friend. I'm looking forward to getting away from here for a couple of days and trying to relax. I am going to miss my boys like crazy though. I've never been away from them for this long. I went and bought gifts for them for each day i'm gone and put them in their own special bag and wrote them a note attached to each bag that has the day of the week on it, so Chad can read it to them when they get home. I told them last night mommy was going to go on an airplane in a couple of days and Ky said, " Mommy no..you have to stay home"...his little lip turned down. How I wanted to cancel my trip right then, but I know they will be loved and have a good time with their daddy and all of our family while I am gone. Chad's taking Friday off of work to do something fun with them and I can't wait to hear about what they did. I'm mostly nervous about the plan ride as I do not like to fly, but again just trusting that I need to go on this trip and God will protect me. Well that's my heart this early morning...couldn't sleep and wanted to order some pillows from ZGAllerie for my friend but of course couldn't find her address. So I thought I would check in with all of you and drop a quick note before the day begins.

In my last post I was writing about Laura Story's song Mighty to Save and how last week I heard the line, "He can move the mountains" and last Monday I broke down because I was screaming, "Why couldn't he save my baby?"....this morning I now say..." He can move the mountains and He can get me through this". For it is by his Grace that I am healing.

Monday, March 16, 2009


My heart is feeling overwhelmed right now. Sundays and Mondays have tended to be the hardest days since Mason died. Sunday was when everything started and Monday was when he was born. Sundays have also become the day I go to the cemetary to spend some quiet time with him. Here is what I'm struggling with right now. I never wanted this to be my story. Up until four weeks ago I was a mom to two beautiful boys, pregnant with our third, and blessed with an amazing husband and life. Now i'm still blessed with everything previously stated except now i'm a mom to two boys at home and one in heaven. While I know it should give me peace in my heart knowing he is with God, and in my head it does, but in my heart I want Mason here!!! I want him here.....I want him to still be in my womb...I want to be experiencing everything a mother does in her third trimester. I didn't want my story to be this...to be going to see a counselor twice a week to try and work through this process called grief, I didn't want to take medicine to help me with the anxiety I feel doing simple things, or to read these books I've ordered online to try and grasp onto some sort of healing. I didn't want this to be my story and now it is.....and that makes angry. I only got to hold Mason for two short days......and even in that he wasn't breathing...i held baby lifeless....but I got to hold him and that is what I want. My counselor, W, asked if I had given this all to God, if I had surrended Mason to Him, if I had let him go....and you know I've thought about that alot since my last session and my answer is no. I'm just not ready to let him go. I haven't been able to sing songs at church....still haven't been able to pray or have a talk with God....believe me i've started it in my head a dozen time and know I need to get a kleenex box and just do it. I know He loves me and I love him....but I can't seem to do it yet. Today my dear friend Michelle found out they were having a boy. She was three weeks behind me and we had our whole maternity leave planned out together. We were going to join weight watchers again after we gave birth, go on walks together with the babies, and share in our special time together. Now it's just here and while I was so excited for her to here what they were having I broke down in my car afterwards because I still want my Mason here. I then went back to my office and was listening to the radio and Laura Story's song, Mighty to Save came on, which I love, but when it got to the verse that says, He can move the mountains....I started crying, because I do believe, but why couldn't he intervine on our behalf and let Mason be ok....why didn't he? I know he didn't take Mason from me but why couldn't he heal him and make him ok? Why did that cord have to wrap around his neck? Why am I now sitting here with an empty womb, a broken heart, and barely making it through the day, except for the 8 hours of numbness I go into the minute I hit work, so that I don't have constant meltdowns? I know what I'm experiencing is grief and i've been told it will get better......but right now I just am screaming inside..."Why me"..."Why my baby".....and I know there is no answer. I know I will see Mason again, but right now it feels like an eternity. Tonight I sit here trying to figure out what marker to put on his grave.....What Marker.....When a little over a month ago I was trying to decide what crib and dresser to put in his nursery...what theme to go with.....What pump I wanted to buy. Now I get to decide which marker we want on his grave and honestly I don't like any of them....probaly because I don't want to have to pick one. I truly truly appreciate your prayers and appreciate you listening to what I have to say...even if it doesn't make sense.

Sunday, March 8, 2009


Today was my second time going to church since giving birth to Mason. I tried going the first two weeks after I had him but broke down on the way and we ended up turning around. Last week was my first week back and quite honestly I bawled almost the whole service. Our pastor, david is amazing and came up and prayed with Chad and I during worship. David just started a series on Habukkak and of course it fits perfectly with what we are going through. Habukkak asked God why and in his series David is addressing many of our Why questions and where God fits into all of it. Wow...its quite the series to come back to though I know it's no coincidence. We weren't planning on going today...with the time change I knew it would be hard to get the boys up and ready and honestly I was just so wiped out last night I didn't think I'd be able to make it. But I got up and went by myself...Chad and the boys were still tired and I like to go to our 9:00 service. I'm glad I went, but it was hard. During worship they sang "Lead Me to the Cross"..which is one of the songs we had played at Mason's funeral and the tears just came.... Because that is where I need to be...at the foot of the cross....but my heart is so heavy and i'm just struggling with talking to Him. I know He can handle whatever I have to say but it's just forming the words....that i'm struggling with. I know I need His strength right now...I need my Abba Daddy....He alone has to carry me....because I can't and even though my husband is trying his hardest to be strong for all of us....he can't heal my heart.

Sundays have become my day to go see Mason and in the afternoon, while the boys are napping, I've gone for a drive to visit my baby. The dirt still fresh on top of his grave....a small mound where my baby lies...not in the crib, or basinet next to my bed....and it hurts... because that's where I want him. I still want to feel him kick inside of me...I want to go to my appointment tomorrow and hear his little heart beat....I want him. I want to talk about Mason in the present tense....I love that name and I was so excited to use it....and I will never get to use it how I wanted. I keep thinking about who he would of looked more like and so many other things. My brain just won't stop and everything I see/ and everywhere I go all my thoughts go back to where I am at now...and that's pain, loss, fear that I can't get through this, sadness, and anger.

I went online last night and ordered seven books that I got from Stacey's website and a couple that I found my own... I have two appts this week to talk to my counselor to just talk.....
One of the hardest things I'm struggling with is the fact that the pain isn't going away and each day isn't getting easier. In the past i've been able to deal with big things and I've gone to counseling...talked about it, worked through it, and then shut it off. I've always felt God has helped me overcome so much in life and He has used my experiences to witness to others, and I've been able to share my testimony with others and be used. This time...I can't shut it off, I don't know how many counseling sessions, books, talks with God, goods crys, or anything else it is going to take for me to be at a place where I feel peace. I'm not sure I'm making any sense. Please don't get me wrong. I'm at peace with where Mason is right now, and honestly even though I want him here I would not take him away from where he is because I know he will never feel pain and he is with the one who created us, and how selfish me to want to take him away from that. I don't have questions to be answered... I don't question God..I know He didn't do this to me...to us...I know he crys with me... But I'm not at peace with the pain I feel. I'm not at peace with the loss, or the ache in my heart that keeps waking me up. It's so hard just to be at home because it is here this very same spot that I sit and type that I dreamt of his nursery, and so much more. So much more, and it's here that I think about him and the picture frames I wanted to fill. I wanted to fill my home with him. Right next to his brothers' room is where he would sleep during the day and next to our bed at night.

I thank you for your prayers and kind words. I know it's no mistake I started this blog months ago. I've never been the person to look at blogs, let alone have one, but I see now that I've needed to be able to type and this has been a way for me to do so, and meet sweet people along the way. God planted each of you in my life for a reason. If you could pray specifically for me, I'd appreciate prayers regarding work. The mornings tend to be the hardest for me and I struggle not to cry as soon as I get to work. I've always loved what I do and have a passion for what needs to be done, but right now I dread it. I dread talking to everyone and answering the, "how are you doing today" question. I know everyone means well and i'm blessed to work with amazing people who truly care about me and my family, but my answer hasn't changed and I feel bad answering horrible every time. I don't mind my family and friends seeing me vulnerable and raw, but I struggle with bring that into my workplace. I'm not sure that makes much sense, but i've just had a lot of anxiety being there, and anxiety isn't something I've ever experienced until Mason's death. Well, I'm going to stop here and go spend some time with the boys before they go to bed.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Baby Mason

The last time I posted I was so excited to hear the baby’s heartbeat…and was getting ready to run off to church just like almost every other Sunday.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think my next post would be like this….

We came home from church that Sunday and I was feeling a lot of pressure…I chalked it up to my uterus expanding and laid on the couch most of the afternoon. I even commented to Chad how much pressure I was feeling, but he assured me he remembered me saying the same thing when I was pregnant with Kylan. We went to bed around 9:00 and it was normal for me to get up a couple of times during the night….that night was no different…I got up around 11:00 to go to the bathroom and went back to bed..only to wake up out of a dead sleep at 12:09 and knew something was wrong… I was wet…and for a moment I thought I had a dream and just had an accident…I stood up to turn on the lights and knew instantly my worse fear had come true. My water had broke. I tried to remain calm and woke up Chad. I kept praying that I just had an accident but knew that wasn’t the case. I called the doctor on call who was quite the knob and decided to go to the emergency room. Chad called my mom and she came over to sit with the boys. Luckily the hospital is only 10 minutes from our home.

Chad dropped me off at the emergency room doors and proceded to tell the girl at the desk that I was in pre-term labor. At this point I was having contractions….and knew that my baby would not be able to make it..it was too soon. They did a test right away to confirm it was amniotic fluid and before the five minute waiting period was up two lines showed up positive. The two nurses who were with me were wonderful and the doctor told them on the phone it would probably take me all night to dialate, because at the time I was only 2cm. I knew that wouldn’t be the case as Ky was born within 4 hours of my water breaking. The contractions started to intensify and they gave me something for the pain…although there was nothing they could give me for the pain I was feeling in my heart. I knew what I was about to go through and that my baby wasn’t going to make it.
There was no way to have prepared myself for the nightmare I was living. My wonderful husband held my hand the whole time and my girlfriend went to be with the boys so my mom could be with us. By 2:09 Mason Ervin Alan Elmer was born and went to be with Jesus. They told me he might make some noise and squirm but that there was nothing they could do. My precious baby boy was born with the cord around his neck. He never took a breath of air out of my womb. He was so tiny almost 3 oz…..his tiny hands, feet, nose, mouth…..he was my precious baby boy….

The tears are streaming down my face as I type but how I’ve longed to write this all down just to get it out….the pain my heart feels is suffocating…

After he was born they took him back and took his footprints and weight and gave us a precious box with pictures and his vitals. They put a little hat on his tiny head and placed him in a tiny blanket and brought him back to my room. They moved me to a post partdum room away from everyone else. They told us they could take Mason if we wanted but I couldn’t bare to part with him yet. My mom called our pastor who prayed me within the hour and I’ve never cried like I did that night….or the days/weeks to follow.

Monday morning came and the grief was overbearing…they told me I could go home if I wanted and they shared with us the funeral homes we could contact for a funeral. I just couldn’t leave him…..I rocked him and talked to him…told him how loved his is…..how excited we were to have him join our family….how sorry I was that he would never get to meet his two precious brothers…..I prayed over him..knowing that his precious spirit was already in heaven with our heavenly father….but how my heart ached.

We called one of the funeral homes and talked with Kevin who I know was put in our path and was a true blessing that week.. I stayed Monday night with Mason and Tuesday morning was discharged…I will never forgot us calling for them to take him away…I still can see every moment in my head like a picture…We met with Kevin to go over the obituary, pick out his coffin, discuss the cemetery he was going to be buried at, the service, flowers…etc. Never did I think the first thing that I would buy for my baby would be the only thing. I wanted to have him wrapped in something precious…..and even though I have many friends/family who would have gone to pick something out I wanted to pick it out. Chad took me to the store and the pain was so raw….but we found a beautiful white blanket to have him wrapped in and took that to Kevin… Even now it seems like a bad dream and I’m typing someone else’s story…and not ours.

I remember being in the hospital with Mason in the crib next to my bed and I was sleeping,when my phone rang…I jumped up trying to shut it off not wanting to wake him up only to remember at that moment that my baby wasn’t awake and I would never hear his precious cry.

Our pastor David, came and prayed with us…and talked to us that Monday…..but wasn’t able to do Mason’s funeral. Pastor Joel was and we were so thankful for that. On Wednesday we met with him to go over the short service we wanted to have for Mason. My sister, Ashley, came over that night and we spent two hours looking for songs to put on a cd to play before the service. We decided to keep the service private and small and I’m glad we did. We found seven precious songs and put them on Mason’s cd.

Thursday morning we woke up and Chad took Noah and Ky to our babysitters’ house. We prayed about it and received a lot of council from my uncle who is a pastor out east and decided it would be best for the boys not to come to the funeral. We had them come up to the hospital and showed them where Mason was, next to my bed, and told them he had been sick, and went home to be with Jesus. Noah kept asking when he was going to come home with us but I think he understood the best a 4 year old can by the time he left that Mason wasn’t going to come home with us. Ky was too young to make much sense of what we were saying, but we both felt it was important to have some kind of closure for the boys, because we had been talking so much about the baby and prayed over my tummy every night after our devotion time. The only way I was able to get ready for the funeral was to pretend I was getting ready for church….and then we went the funeral home at 8:45. The service didn’t start until 10:00 so I was able to have some time alone with Mason. I did ok until Kevin opened the door to where the service was being held and saw my baby boys’ casket….. I stayed right in front of it until close to the service began…..It was a beautiful service….We then drove to the cemetery….It was so cold and windy and Chad had to pick me up off of the ground and almost drag me to the car….I just couldn’t leave him…..I can’t even begin to find words to adequately describe the pain….it’s just so intense…so real……so much…There is so much I want to share….so much I’ve experienced the last three almost four weeks…the majority raw grief…. Never did I think that I stumbled across Angie Smith and Stacey’s blog months before I would experience something so similar…little did I know what was to come…little did I know I would feel that pain….

I took off two weeks from work and tried to go back last week and just broke down when I got to my office. I decided to take the rest of last week off as well. My best friend, Carmen, came up from San Antonio the Wednesday after the funeral and stayed with my for four days while Chad went back to work. I didn’t realize just how much I needed her until she got here. I feel like I’m all over the place in my writing but there’s just so much I want to get down so I don’t forget…..We took several pictures with Mason at the hospital and I’m so glad we did because that’s all I will have…that and the things in his precious box that is now sitting on my scrapbook table in my scrapbook room…that was supposed to be his nursery.

I don’t know that I can type any more right now but I am asking for prayer…..because right now I can’t….my heart hurts so much….and I can’t find the words to pray…. I love Jesus with all my heart and know without a doubt that Mason has a new spirit and body and will never feel any pain. I know he is with the best person who can protect him, as Chad said, but my heart aches for my baby….my heart aches to hold him again…..I grieve not being able to hear him cry or to experience all of those things a new mom does with her baby ….There was so many things we/I planned for this little person that I was carrying….so many things…and how I grieve what I will never experience them on earth with him. Below is the letter I wrote to him and put by his casket at the funeral.

My precious baby boy. For four and a half months I was honored to carry you in my womb, to feel you kick, and know that you were part of your dad and I. We were so excited to meet you, to hold you, to watch you grow up, to love you, and to be your parents. I looked forward to having the summer off and being able to spend the first three months of your life at home with you. I was so excited to sit and hold you and watch your big brothers play outside. Knowing you were going to be part of our family brought so much joy to your daddy and I.
Sunday night came and my worst fears came true. Within hours you were born months too early and went home to Jesus. Your daddy and I got to hold you, cry over you, pray over you, and ultimately know that you are at home with Jesus and now have a new body and spirit, and will never feel any pain. We know without a doubt that you are waiting in heaven with open arms and one day, we will see you again.
Right now my heart aches. There are moments when the tears won’t stop and the thought of not hearing you beautiful cry breaks my heart more than words can express. Knowing that I will not be able to hold your hand, wake up at night with you, look into your eyes, and talk to you, fills me with much sorrow. I grieve for the things we will not share here on earth; your first bath, your first crawl, your first steps, and so much more.
I grieve that you will never be able to meet your amazing big brothers who prayed over you every evening during our devotion time and loved to give you kisses.
I do not know why your life was cut short nor do I understand why we have to experience this pain we are feeling right now, but in the midst of all of this, I am sure of one thing and that is this; God is perfect and His plan is perfect. I trust that through this He will hold your daddy and I. He will love us and comfort us as we grieve your loss. He will listen as we cry, scream, and weep, and He will not change. For He is the same God today as He was yesterday. As I loved Him and cherished my relationship with Him yesterday, I cherish and love Him today. For I know you are safe in His arms until I come home to hold you again. Until that day comes know your mommy and daddy love you more than you will ever know. Know that you were wanted and loved by so many.


I’ve experienced loss in my life…grief…pain, but never this type pain/grief…. Never have I gone three weeks feeling the way I do today. The pain is as raw today as it was weeks ago…. I can now identify what stage of grief I’m dealing with throughout my day…..but I don’t know and can’t imagine that it will get better…..and that scares me. I’ve always been the strong one and right now I’m not and can’t be…and don’t care to be. Right now I’m a mother who wants something I can’t have and is left with these memories that wake me up at night…. The world is going on and I feel stuck right now… and don’t know how to put the pieces back together….