Today was my second time going to church since giving birth to Mason. I tried going the first two weeks after I had him but broke down on the way and we ended up turning around. Last week was my first week back and quite honestly I bawled almost the whole service. Our pastor, david is amazing and came up and prayed with Chad and I during worship. David just started a series on Habukkak and of course it fits perfectly with what we are going through. Habukkak asked God why and in his series David is addressing many of our Why questions and where God fits into all of it. Wow...its quite the series to come back to though I know it's no coincidence. We weren't planning on going today...with the time change I knew it would be hard to get the boys up and ready and honestly I was just so wiped out last night I didn't think I'd be able to make it. But I got up and went by myself...Chad and the boys were still tired and I like to go to our 9:00 service. I'm glad I went, but it was hard. During worship they sang "Lead Me to the Cross"..which is one of the songs we had played at Mason's funeral and the tears just came.... Because that is where I need to be...at the foot of the cross....but my heart is so heavy and i'm just struggling with talking to Him. I know He can handle whatever I have to say but it's just forming the words....that i'm struggling with. I know I need His strength right now...I need my Abba Daddy....He alone has to carry me....because I can't and even though my husband is trying his hardest to be strong for all of us....he can't heal my heart.
Sundays have become my day to go see Mason and in the afternoon, while the boys are napping, I've gone for a drive to visit my baby. The dirt still fresh on top of his grave....a small mound where my baby lies...not in the crib, or basinet next to my bed....and it hurts... because that's where I want him. I still want to feel him kick inside of me...I want to go to my appointment tomorrow and hear his little heart beat....I want him. I want to talk about Mason in the present tense....I love that name and I was so excited to use it....and I will never get to use it how I wanted. I keep thinking about who he would of looked more like and so many other things. My brain just won't stop and everything I see/ and everywhere I go all my thoughts go back to where I am at now...and that's pain, loss, fear that I can't get through this, sadness, and anger.
I went online last night and ordered seven books that I got from Stacey's website and a couple that I found my own... I have two appts this week to talk to my counselor to just talk.....
One of the hardest things I'm struggling with is the fact that the pain isn't going away and each day isn't getting easier. In the past i've been able to deal with big things and I've gone to counseling...talked about it, worked through it, and then shut it off. I've always felt God has helped me overcome so much in life and He has used my experiences to witness to others, and I've been able to share my testimony with others and be used. This time...I can't shut it off, I don't know how many counseling sessions, books, talks with God, goods crys, or anything else it is going to take for me to be at a place where I feel peace. I'm not sure I'm making any sense. Please don't get me wrong. I'm at peace with where Mason is right now, and honestly even though I want him here I would not take him away from where he is because I know he will never feel pain and he is with the one who created us, and how selfish me to want to take him away from that. I don't have questions to be answered... I don't question God..I know He didn't do this to me...to us...I know he crys with me... But I'm not at peace with the pain I feel. I'm not at peace with the loss, or the ache in my heart that keeps waking me up. It's so hard just to be at home because it is here this very same spot that I sit and type that I dreamt of his nursery, and so much more. So much more, and it's here that I think about him and the picture frames I wanted to fill. I wanted to fill my home with him. Right next to his brothers' room is where he would sleep during the day and next to our bed at night.
I thank you for your prayers and kind words. I know it's no mistake I started this blog months ago. I've never been the person to look at blogs, let alone have one, but I see now that I've needed to be able to type and this has been a way for me to do so, and meet sweet people along the way. God planted each of you in my life for a reason. If you could pray specifically for me, I'd appreciate prayers regarding work. The mornings tend to be the hardest for me and I struggle not to cry as soon as I get to work. I've always loved what I do and have a passion for what needs to be done, but right now I dread it. I dread talking to everyone and answering the, "how are you doing today" question. I know everyone means well and i'm blessed to work with amazing people who truly care about me and my family, but my answer hasn't changed and I feel bad answering horrible every time. I don't mind my family and friends seeing me vulnerable and raw, but I struggle with bring that into my workplace. I'm not sure that makes much sense, but i've just had a lot of anxiety being there, and anxiety isn't something I've ever experienced until Mason's death. Well, I'm going to stop here and go spend some time with the boys before they go to bed.