" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Saturday, October 31, 2009


Today has been a busy but peaceful day. It started off on a soccer field and was so cold we canceled the game. The kids practiced for 20 minutes but then we headed home. I got up early went to the gym and then did some Christmas shopping before the boys' game. In between running around, tricker treating, and watching a movie, I've had a lot of time to think and have come to several conclusions:

* I must workout every day! I say this because I can tell when I don't I get worked up easier, don't have a whole lot of patience, and working out is a healthy release for me.
* I have addiction tendoncies..i'm not even sure if this is the correct way of sayign what I want to, but bare with me. I come from a family that has addiction tendancies...my father and grandfather are both alcholics, my sister has an eating disorder, my brother is a recovering drug addict, and the list continues. I am very aware of these behaviors in our family and am very conscious that I too could be one step away from falling into alcohlism if i'm not careful. I've been thinking about this alot today and in looking back over the past month and a half..i went from working out at least 4 days a week to 0..when I got my cast on my foot the workouts came to a screaching halt..and with that halt came another vice if you will...eating. I have always struggled with emotionally eating....or just eating when I'm bored, but mostly it's eating when i'm upset about it and don't know/or want to feel what I'm feeling. These past 6 weeks not only have I strayed from WW (weight watchers) and tracking my points, but I have started to indulge in sweets more than I have in the past 6 months... so much so that today I decided i'm addicted to chocolate and need to just not eat it. I'm not saying this to sound funny or dramatic but I honestly know that for me I'm not good at saying I will only have one piece...one turns into two, two to four and so on. It doesn't matter if it's a cookie, brownie, ice cream...and if i'm being honest, which that is why I have this blog, I have indulged in more that one chocolate item almost every day for the past two weeks and it makes me mad. So much so that today I took the control back and decided to not have chocolate for the next 365 days. I want to see if I can do it... i don't want an item of food to hold this type of control over me and it stops today. So I made it..my first day without anything chocolate and I'm back to tracking my points and had a fantastic workout this morning! Now i know this is going to be hard for me but i'm gonig to take one day at a time and make an effort to journal (blog) my feelings more than push them down.
* I miss having parents. My mom is one of my best friends, but frankly I've parented her since I can remember. I haven't spoken to my dad in over three years and prior to that we spoke for 6 months and before that we hadn't spoken in over 2 years. I remember being a daddy's girl when I was little...I adored him and wanted to be just like him. I strived to make him proud and was intent on his every word. When I was 10 he went overseas to fight in the desert storm and came back a changed person. He became an alcohlic and as the years progressed so did his addiction and his addiction turned abusive in many ways. He went back overseas for another tour to Afg and IQ for 2 1/2 years and was wounded. We reconnected via emial while he was overseas and we began talking to each other once he got back to the states.. Unfortunately things happened and we now don't speak. Today I missed him...the dad I knew as a child. I miss having a parent to go to for advice..a parent to lean on... just something that was on my heart today.
* I adore my husband- I really do. Even when we argue over the dumbest things like, "why didnt you put the house keys on the peg by the door"... I just love him. I'm so thankful God brought him into my life.
* I miss Mason... I saw our dears friends and their son C, who would have been 3 weeks younger than Mason...and my heart wept. I wonder what he would have looked like at 3 months, whose temperment he would have... I just miss him.
* I love Sundays...it our day of rest and I try really hard not to do a whole lot and just look forward to them.

We took the boys out for Halloween and went to several friends/family so they could see them dressed up. It was a lot of fun, but I know understand why mom's often get minivans! I still don't want one but appreciate them a little more after jumping in and out of the explorer today. The boys crashed once we got home and Chad and I watched the movie Duplicity. I really liked it but had a hard time following it and was completely thrown off by the ending. I'm going to have to watch it again and pick up what I missed. Now i'm ready to finally crash! I couldn't about an hour ago and thought I'd write a bit and it seems to have calmed my busy brain down. Here are a fews pics from tonight.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Surprise party and flu all in the same week!

So my honey turned the big 30 on Sunday! I have been planning a surprise party for him for the past two months and it turned out great! All of our family came and we had a lot of laughs. Chad has always liked Star Wars, and I just don't, but I wanted his party to have all of his favorites so the theme was Star Wars! I bought Lego Star Wars shirts for the boys to wear, Had a life size cardboard cutout of Darth Vader, Star Wars balloons, etc. His sister picked him up for lunch and that is when everyone came and we set up the party. Everyone parked a street over so when he came home and we yelled surprise you could tell he was in shock! IT was perfect!! Chad is my biggest supporter and deserved to have a day to celebrate him. I'll post pics soon. Monday we both took off work and spent the day shopping and just hanging out. It was great to just talk, laugh, and be together. I even made a dent in my Christmas shopping. Most of all I just enjoyed our conversations. We always have such a wonderful time talking whenever we go out and Monday was no exception. However on the way home from IL I started to feel horrible, feverish, dizzy, and not right at all. And that carried over to Tues, Wed, and today. I have had a horrible headache, fever, problems breathing, aches, you name it. I talked to a triage nurse who said I have upper respitory influenza. I had to laugh...only because I really just need a break from the craziness of hospitals. I did work from home yesterday but took today off and have couched it all day. I have been a complete tube head and slept a lot. I'm feeling a little better tonight and haven't had a fever today which is great! I'm hoping I feel good enough to go to work in Chitown tomorrow as I have a big project to complete for next week. On another fun note, we found the cutest dinosaur costumes for the boys!!! I can't wait to post pics. They look so darn cute. T, who watches them, made trail mix with them today and had a costume parade. I can't wait to see pics. They just love dressing up like dinosaurs! We are going to get professional pics done in two weeks and I might just have to have them take a couple of shots with them in their costumes. I'm planning on giving pictures of them framed to the grandparents and aunts and uncle for Christmas this year. I can't believe I'm already talking about Christmas. Where did the year go? That's all that's going on around here this week. Have a blessed day!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Catching up!

It's been a busy couple of weeks! We were in Chicago two weeks ago for the Chicago marathon and that was a blast! My sister Ash ran in it and we were so excited to be there to support her. We stayed at a friend's loft downtown and it was perfect! There was 6 of us there to watch her and we had a lot of fun making our way around the city. My aunt and cousins came up from the burbs and we got to do lunch and some shopping with them which was a blast!

Last week i went to Greenville for the day and that was fun! I got to fly on the corporate jet which was an experience. I felt like a little kid and couldn't sleep the night before because i was so excited. Greenville was warm but I didn't get to see much of the city since I was in meetings all day.

This weekend my hubby turns the big 30! I have been planning a surprise party for him with our families and a surprise dinner in two weeks with our close friends and can't wait to see the look of surprise on his face! He loves Star Wars and I don't so I thought it would be perfect to have a Star Wars theme for his 30th! I bought the cutest Lego star wars shirts for the boys to wear and all kinds of decor for the house! It should be a fun filled day and we have tomorrow of to spend time together which will be so nice.

Right now i'm just enjoying the last bit of fall before it starts snowing! I'm hoping to make some pumpkin scones today and find my favorite pumpkin for decoration! I got it at an apple orchard last year and packed it away some place good! We took the boys to a pumpkin farm yesterday and had a wonderful time picking out their pumpkins and carving them at home. I never carved pumpkins when I was little so it was a whole new experience! Overall the past couple of weeks have been so busy but fun. We are busy straight through Thanksgiving but with so many fun things to do. I love spending time with our family and friends and making memories as we go. Above are a few pics from the past few weeks that I thought you would enjoy!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss

As I sit here and type the tears stream down my face. My heart breaks as I remember my precious son Mason and the day I lost him. It is one of those moments that will forever be etched in my memory and never be forgotten. I remember the days after...his funeral...leaving the hospital without him, crying, screaming out to God why? I remember the numbness and the subsequent pain that consumed me for many days/months to follow. I'm so thankful for my precious friends who stood by me as I grieved and tried so hard to put the pieces together. I'm so thankful for their love, patience and support. Beyond that I give all of the Glory to God, because friends I know without Him I would not be here today, and I don't write that to be dramatic but to share the truth. While what I experienced was terrifying it would have been horrific if I had not know Christ and had Him to be my stronghold. There were many many days where I couldn't get out of bed...and everything was hard...there were more bad days then good and it was here that HE met me. It was here that He literally helped me get through those angry tears of anguish and it make it another day. Slowly the bad days turned to good days, and the good days turned to great...the saying one step forward two steps back became very true. But it felt so good to laugh again and to be able to mother my children at home. For quite some time after Mason died I shutdown and just couldn't function. I never questioned where Mason was but I sure asked Why alot. I find peace today knowing that God's plan for my life is perfect, I know he cried/cries with me on those bad days, I know He is holding my son now, I know my son is experiencing a life in Heaven I can't wait to have, I know one day we will be reunited, I know until then I will rejoice in my Father's love and calling for my life. I will do my best to love my children, family and friends with the love of Christ that He has showered on me. I will have bad days even still but know in the midst of them He is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. He is who i trust and for me...that is enough. I pray for all of you who have experienced the loss of a child. I now share in that loss and my heart is truly burdened for you. God has brought so many amazing women into my life via the blog world since I started my blog and I have been blessed to read so many of your blogs and be touched by them. Tonight I will hug my children before they go to bed and remember just how lucky I am...to have my sons here on earth and my son in heaven. They have all touched my life and I will never be the same because of them. Blessings~

Monday, October 5, 2009

Apple donuts, Apple cider, and Mums!

I love fall!!! It is my favorite season! I could wear a sweatshirt and jeans every day and be content. I love the smell of leaves burnging, apple orchards, sweet corn, leaves changing colors, crisp mornings, and coffee on the porch. These are just a few of my favorite things about fall. This weekend my friend Michelle and I took the boys to my favorite apple orchard and had a wonderful time! The boys loved having their picture taken and we made a stop in the cafe before we left for some warm apple cider, apple cider donuts, and apple pie! It was a wonderful day trip after church and we made it home in time for naps:) This week is turning out to be insanely busy but I'm trying to stay positive and hoping to get my cast off on Wed. This weekend Chad and I are going to Chicago to watch my sister run in the Chicago Marathon! We are so excited for her and to top that she just got engaged yesterday!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Blessed and then some..

It's been a wonderful week! Let me back up though and fill you in on my wine tour that I went on with my girfriend from Alaska! Here's where it gets comical..so I am horrible with Wisconsin geography. I can barely tell you where I live let alone direct you to any major city beside Madison or Milwaukee...and I just figured out four years ago that Milwaukee is east of where I live and not west lol! Well anyway I have a wine tour map and was going to put together a list for my friend D and I so she knew which wineries we were going to go to. I planned on going to a few that I had gone to a couple of months ago with my friend Jill. I thought they were by "the lake". Well the week of our tour I couldn't find my map and my friend D called to confirm we were still going to get together. I told her I couldn't find my map but wanted to give her the list so she knew where we were going. She had one and rattled off a few names and said they are by "the lake" right? I agreed and we made plans to get together bright and early Sat morning. She picked me up, we stopped at my favorite coffee shop and off we went. As i'm looking at her list of wineries I realize that none of them except for one are the ones I was thinking about and frankly they didn't ring a bell. When I opened her map I realized "the lake" she was talking about was Sturgeon Bay and not Lake Michigan which come to find out is no where near the wineries I was talking about to begin with. Long story short our get together was amazing and we laughed so hard, it was great!

This week was a busy one but wonderful! Work is going well, we had our first parent teacher conference for Noah, the boys had a soccer this morning, and tomorrow we are going to an apple orchard after church. Oh and we met a couple at church two weeks ago and have been talking to them after church the last two weeks and I think we might get together sometime! I'm so excited because we really don't have any close friends at our church and I have been praying that we would meet a couple that we could do stuff with!

Tonight Chad is having a few buddies over so i'm going to be hanging out in my family room, organizing my calendar, our google calendar, and my menu for the week~! I'm also reading Crazy Love for Bloom and need to catch up on my posts there as well. All in all it's busy right now but i'm loving every minute of it. Fall is my favorite season so i'm eating up the sweatshirt weather, apples, pumkin butter, and leaves changing.

Here are some recent pics I thought you might like! Have a Blessed weekend.