" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Saturday, October 31, 2009


Today has been a busy but peaceful day. It started off on a soccer field and was so cold we canceled the game. The kids practiced for 20 minutes but then we headed home. I got up early went to the gym and then did some Christmas shopping before the boys' game. In between running around, tricker treating, and watching a movie, I've had a lot of time to think and have come to several conclusions:

* I must workout every day! I say this because I can tell when I don't I get worked up easier, don't have a whole lot of patience, and working out is a healthy release for me.
* I have addiction tendoncies..i'm not even sure if this is the correct way of sayign what I want to, but bare with me. I come from a family that has addiction tendancies...my father and grandfather are both alcholics, my sister has an eating disorder, my brother is a recovering drug addict, and the list continues. I am very aware of these behaviors in our family and am very conscious that I too could be one step away from falling into alcohlism if i'm not careful. I've been thinking about this alot today and in looking back over the past month and a half..i went from working out at least 4 days a week to 0..when I got my cast on my foot the workouts came to a screaching halt..and with that halt came another vice if you will...eating. I have always struggled with emotionally eating....or just eating when I'm bored, but mostly it's eating when i'm upset about it and don't know/or want to feel what I'm feeling. These past 6 weeks not only have I strayed from WW (weight watchers) and tracking my points, but I have started to indulge in sweets more than I have in the past 6 months... so much so that today I decided i'm addicted to chocolate and need to just not eat it. I'm not saying this to sound funny or dramatic but I honestly know that for me I'm not good at saying I will only have one piece...one turns into two, two to four and so on. It doesn't matter if it's a cookie, brownie, ice cream...and if i'm being honest, which that is why I have this blog, I have indulged in more that one chocolate item almost every day for the past two weeks and it makes me mad. So much so that today I took the control back and decided to not have chocolate for the next 365 days. I want to see if I can do it... i don't want an item of food to hold this type of control over me and it stops today. So I made it..my first day without anything chocolate and I'm back to tracking my points and had a fantastic workout this morning! Now i know this is going to be hard for me but i'm gonig to take one day at a time and make an effort to journal (blog) my feelings more than push them down.
* I miss having parents. My mom is one of my best friends, but frankly I've parented her since I can remember. I haven't spoken to my dad in over three years and prior to that we spoke for 6 months and before that we hadn't spoken in over 2 years. I remember being a daddy's girl when I was little...I adored him and wanted to be just like him. I strived to make him proud and was intent on his every word. When I was 10 he went overseas to fight in the desert storm and came back a changed person. He became an alcohlic and as the years progressed so did his addiction and his addiction turned abusive in many ways. He went back overseas for another tour to Afg and IQ for 2 1/2 years and was wounded. We reconnected via emial while he was overseas and we began talking to each other once he got back to the states.. Unfortunately things happened and we now don't speak. Today I missed him...the dad I knew as a child. I miss having a parent to go to for advice..a parent to lean on... just something that was on my heart today.
* I adore my husband- I really do. Even when we argue over the dumbest things like, "why didnt you put the house keys on the peg by the door"... I just love him. I'm so thankful God brought him into my life.
* I miss Mason... I saw our dears friends and their son C, who would have been 3 weeks younger than Mason...and my heart wept. I wonder what he would have looked like at 3 months, whose temperment he would have... I just miss him.
* I love Sundays...it our day of rest and I try really hard not to do a whole lot and just look forward to them.

We took the boys out for Halloween and went to several friends/family so they could see them dressed up. It was a lot of fun, but I know understand why mom's often get minivans! I still don't want one but appreciate them a little more after jumping in and out of the explorer today. The boys crashed once we got home and Chad and I watched the movie Duplicity. I really liked it but had a hard time following it and was completely thrown off by the ending. I'm going to have to watch it again and pick up what I missed. Now i'm ready to finally crash! I couldn't about an hour ago and thought I'd write a bit and it seems to have calmed my busy brain down. Here are a fews pics from tonight.

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