" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Perfect Peace

Our appt yesterday was amazing, full of encouraging news, and next steps defined.  In short the baby is doing well and has not been negatively impacted by my infection.  My white blood cell count is back to normal and my fever has stayed down. My OB requested that I stay local and don't travel to the city for work indefinately which is fine by me. And to my complete surprise we found out that we are having a baby girl!!!! Going in to the ultrasound the tech asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby to which I replied, "yes, but I assume it's a boy"..to which she replied " Well I don't assume anything and will only tell you if I know for sure"...as the appt progressed she made small talk with Chad and I asking about the boys we had at home, their names, age, etc...and then says "Well they are going to make great big brothers to their little sister"..to which I wanted to reply Shutup, but responded with "You've got to be kidding me!!!" And the tears flowed and Chad jumps up arms in the air and says "Yes, we can be done if we want too.." and then " I need to start saving for her wedding, prom, and purchase a shot gun"... It was a precious/surreal moment. The rest of the afternoon flew by and we continued to look at each other and repeat "Can you believe it's a girl"... I've been calling her, him, he, Brody for the last few months and was just so excited to find out we are being blessed with a daughter. And after work I made my first stop to buy a couple of girl outfits and had a blast.  So much so that when I woke up at 2am I spent an hour and a half looking at etsy and putting many hairbows in my shopping cart along with some other fun things. 

On Friday we are going to go register at Babys R' US and Chad will start painting the nursery on Saturday. I think i sent multiple texts to our friends and family all day yesterday and are thrilled that four months from now we will be our daughter. Now we are just wondering who she will look like and what color hair/eyes she will have. So incredibly thankful that she is healthy.

Monday, August 27, 2012

20 weeks, quiet time, and a big day

I'm excited to enter my 20th week and know that I'm half way through my pregnancy. Unfortunately with everything that has transpired over the last week and a half I've had a hard time being excited about a whole lot due to nerves and the waiting. And while I've been home on bed rest over the last week I have to admit that I wasn't doing a good job of enjoying quiet time with God. Yes I was laying in bed watching four season of How I Met Your Mother and a plethora of other shows that were DVRd, but I wasn't opening the word and seeking His words until Friday evening. God really convicted me that I needed to get back into scripture on a daily basis and spend some quiet time with him.  And so I grabbed my prayer journal and my Bible and have relished in my quiet time with Him the last few days. The scripture that my fingers touched poured out into my heart and I felt my built up walls (from the last couple of weeks) crumple and His peace cover my heart. It's what I've needed and I'm so thankful that I was obedient and didn't tune his beckoning out. I thought I would share a few of the verses that I have continued to read over and over the last few days:

  • Psalm 42:5 Why are you downcast O my soul? Why so disturbed within me. Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior, and my God
  • Psalm 62:5 Find rest, o my soul, in God alone my hope comes from Him.
  • Exodus 15:2 The Lord is my strength and my song: He has become my salvation. He is my God and I will praise Him. My father's God and I will exalt Him.
  • Exodus 15:13 In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.
Even now as I sit and read over them I'm so thankful that I can rely on God's strength and not my own.  I think I often try so hard to rely on my own "strength" when really God is just patiently waiting for me to rely on His.  And so as my Monday begins with Him I am trying to be quiet this morning and as I get ready to head to the hospital for more appointments and another ultrasound. 

The good news we received on Thursday was that my blood cultures and titers came back negative. There were two titers that were still in a preliminary status on Thursday so we should get those results today. This mornings appt we will discuss next steps with my OB.  I was getting excited because as of Thursday my pain in my uterus was at a 3/4 and I thought it was going away. However after moving around Friday-Sunday the pain has intensified and I don't know why. I'm hopeful that we will get more answers this morning and direction on what needs to happen next. Following my appt we will head to radiology for an ultrasound where they will do the 20 week ultrasound and look at the organs and other things. One of the things the doctor shared with us is if the infection I have is an external uterine infection that it will have already crossed the placenta and there can be a negative impact to the baby. I'm not sure when/how they can determine if the baby has been affected...it's one of my many questions for my OB this am. 

Aside from all of the above we had a really nice weekend as a family. The boys are getting ready to head back to school and decided to tackle their supply list this weekend in hopes of avoiding the crowds and picked through supplies. Our plan worked and the boys have everything they need minus red pencils. I think my favorite part of that experience was Ky holding my hand across the parking lot twice. He is such a daddy's boy and always wants to walk with Chad and for some reason he got out of the car and grabbed my hand right away during our shopping trip and it just melted my heart. Something so small but means so much. I also picked out matching onesies and shirts for the boys...it's a really cute motorcylce shirt that will look adorable on all three. And as I shared with chance that if I'm wrong and I'm carrying a girl we can always accessorize with a cute black hair bow. That being said I'm positive I'm carrying another boy. :) Hopefully we will receive confirmation today. Well I should get going and get organized before we leave in a bit.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

19 weeks, a hospital stay, and waiting

This week has been a rough one. A week ago Thursday I started to experience pressure in my uterus and wasn't too concerned until Sunday evening when my head wasn't feeling all to great and checked my temp and it was at 101. I called my OB who happened to be on call and figured out what to do in the event something happened before my appt with her the next morning.  After a couple of labs and an ultrasound she sent me home with some antibiotics. Over the next three da ys I went back to the hospital each day for labs and a second appt. Thursday morning my low grade temp hadn't broken and the pain hadn't gotten worse or better.  My OB made the decision to admit me, give me an iv, check heart tones every 6 hours, do four blood cultures, and take 40ML of blood in the afternoon after I had 10ML drawn that morning.  Our game plan, get my fever down for 24 hours, monitor the baby, wait for the tests to come back, reach out to a high risk OB clinic north of us, and wait until this Tuesday for all the results to come in.  By Thursday evening I was weak from all of the blood they had drawn and all that had been thrown at us to review and pray over. Thursday evening the nurse came in to check the baby's heartbeat and after ten minutes was unable to find it. She called the lead nurse in and after ten minutes they called my OB to come in and ordered an ultra sound. As the second nurse was attempting to find the heartbeat and couldn't I lost it...and when they left to call my OB I sobbed. I'm so thankful Chad was still there with me, as originally he was going to pick up the boys and take them home after I took my 6:00 shot. The five minutes it took my OB to come seemed like an eternity but once they put the Doppler on my stomach baby bean showed up and they found the heartbeat quickly. And I continued to cry with now joy filled tears. All I could think about when they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat was that I was going to have to deliver before the baby would make it and the rush of memories from losing Mason came rushing back. So after additional conversations with my OB, she left for the evening, and Chad and I spent a few minutes talking about the next few days and he left to get the boys. 

And now I jump ahead to today. I was released to come home Friday afternoon since my fever broke and there isn't anything else they can do to treat me until they know what type of uterine infection I have. The results should be back from CA Tuesday am and the high risk OB unit is on call and ready for me to be transferred there pending how things come back. While my OB, Chad, and I have talked about the numerous decisions that may come up in the next few days I am desperately trying to keep my mind busy....which is really hard to do when you are spending most of your time in bed. That being said Chad has been so patient and spent time then he would probably care to watching every episode of Say Yes to the Dress on DVR. And on the flip side the boys have all joined us in our room to watch ever episode of Shipping Wars, Storage Wars, Cajun Police, Duck Dynasty, and a handful of other shows that on any other given day I would pass up. But they have been a welcome diversion. And so now I continue to wait and unfortunately the uterine pain hasn't changed...better or worse. My fever spiked again Friday evening and hasn't gone back down yet. Ugh.

As of right now the baby looks healthy but the doctors are concerned that depending on what type of infection I have that the baby will/has been affected and there are risks associated with that. So while I am trying to be optimistic I'm struggling at the moment with all of the information that I have been reading and going over the last few days. I think what is frustrating the most is that we don't have the answers we need to move forward with plan B, C, or other. But I know while we don't have the answers HE does and HE is present in all that is going on right now. I wish I could say I felt His peace right now but I'm not, and continue to pray that HE will calm my heart, nerves, and that I will rest in His arms.  My head knows that is what I need to do, but my heart is struggling at the moment. I feel my walls shooting up, pulling back from my friends, and not wanting them to see me vulnerable. Them and my family minus Chad. It's just something that I'm not comfortable with. And right now I feel like I can't stop the tears throughout the day....I just pray Tuesday will come here quickly and that the infection will heal and that the baby will be ok.

Thankful that I can come here and ramble all of my thoughts. It helps...

Sunday, August 12, 2012

18 weeks and many thoughts..

I don't even know where to begin. The last 2.5 weeks have been amazing! I logged off of work on the 25th of July and haven't checked email since. It's been two years since I've had a vacation where I haven't worked for some part of the vacay. I now have an assistant who has been a huge blessing to me at work. It was so nice to know that someone was there covering for me while I was gone. It took me a matter of hours to completely disengage and I loved just being with my family and not feeling the need to check my email.

The boys and I left and headed to Georgia to see my best friend, Carm. We have been best friends since I was 15 and it has been so amazing to experience life together.  Our children are close in age and we continue to make some amazing memories whenever we get together. I love it because we can just enjoy hanging out in yoga pants chatting at the table or couch for hours.  We did a lot of fun activities with the kids and discovered a plance called Menchies that we all fell in love with! I have a lot of people that I would consider good friends where I live now and i'm so thankful for each of them, but I've always called Carm my person. She has been there for me through so many things in my life and with her I don't have to explain anything because she was there.... I feel like i'm at home when i'm with her and love that her and her husband love our children as Chad and I love theirs. It's just such a blessing. I was so excited to ask her and her husband to be our baby's godparents. They said yes and are so excited!

After staying with Carm for a week the boys and I headed to Atlanta to pick up Chad who flew in to meet us. We spent three days in the ATL exploring the aquarium, museums, and lego land.  Not to mention some really good resteraunts. I think one of my favorite memories was after our long days we would get cleaned up and lay in our hotel beds and stay up late watching the olympics with the kids. I loved watching them with the covers pulled up and their little eyes peeking out taking it all in. We had many laughs and great conversations over the Olympics.

After Atlanta we headed up to South Carolina for a week. We spent a few days at my cousin's home. She and her husband have three kids and their oldest son is 10.  The boys haven't stopped talking about him since we were in SC last year and couldn't wait to throw the football with him again. We were also able to see my aunt and uncle and Grams.  My aunt had us all over one night for an amazing meal. She made calzones that had spinach, shredded chicken, and cheeses inside, a taco lasgnana, two different bruchettas, potatoes with bacon and cheeses, a summer salsa that had corn, cucumber, tomatoes, apple cider vinegar, and a few more ingreadients I can't remember. Chad and I wore floored by the spread and to top it off Grams made an amazing peach and pecan cake. I'll be honest in that Chad nor I normally like either but the cake melted in my mouth! That night Chad and I laid in bed and I asked him what his favorite dish was to which he replied "all of it"..

We left my cousin's and headed to Charleston and Isle of Palms..two of our favorite places in SC.  There we spent time on the ocean, walking the market, enjoyed gelato, and was able to have dinner with my other cousin who lives there and is expecting her first in November. We made sure to stop at the Savannah Candy Company which is the boys favorite candy shop and Chad and I enjoy their truffles as well. :)  The two weeks flew and before I knew it we were heading back home. We got home Wednesday evening and have enjoyed the last four days at home. I have to say that I'm having a hard time today knowing that I return to work tomorrow. I think letting myself fulling disengage from work allowed me to let go of work and all the craziness and just relish in soaking up every moment fully. I haven't slept as good as I did while I was gone in forever and can't say that i'm excited to open my email tomorrow to what I estimate to be anywhere from 800-1000 emails. And I wish I was joking about the number of emails but i'm not. I've been praying all day that God would calm my nerves and give me peace as I return tomorrow and help me not to feel overwhelmed.  The exciting thing is that the next time I take a vacation it will be maternity leave.

Tomorrow is my next doctor appt and i'm excited to see how the baby is doing. We should find out in the next couple of weeks what we are having. I am sure that it's a boy but Chad thinks it's a girl. Either way I pray for a healthy baby. I took many pictures while we were gone and will be sure to post them soon. Blessings!