" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Mother's Day 2012

Mother's Day is a day that is bittersweet for many myself included. Every since Mason was went to be with our Heavenly Father it's been a struggle. The first year I could barely get out of bed and am pretty sure I tried to put a brave face on but cried most of the day. The rawness of not having him at home was all to fresh and it took everything in me to pick myself up off of the cemenentary grass and head back home. With each year that's passed I find that while I still think of him and am aware that he is not here it's gotten a little easier. I still go to the cementary and tears are usually shed but I'm in a season of my life where I've been able to choose joy. My season of loss was profound and definately changed my life in a way I would have never expected. But from that season God has brought joy and constant reminders whether it be my blood clots two years ago or my subsquent fractured and broken foot, that He is still ever close and wants me to cling to him every day. I will tell you that there are days where I feel strong "enough" not to need him every hour like I did during my season of loss and that scares me but I also know that He has covered my heart with a joy that I know only He could. Don't get me wrong there are still days that are hard and I am just like many others who are trying to juggle the many hats that us moms do and I embrace those hard days and weeks but every day I way up and do my best to choose joy in the circumstances I am faced with. This Mother's Day was a quiet one filled with home made cards from my boys that made me laugh and a card from my husband that made me laugh and cry all at the same time. Most importantly it was filled with love. For some reason on Mother's Day I just had this feeling that I was pregnant but choose not to take a pregnancy test because I knew it was too early...but then by 5/15 I decided to take one and it came up negative. I was dissapointed but not discouraged and continued with my week still thinking in the back of my head that I must be. And sure enough at 3am on Saturday the 19th I woke up jumped out bed took not one but three pregnancy tests all that came back postive. I would have squealed with delight but the rest of my family was sleeping. I put my yoga pants on and headed to the grocery store to do my big shopping that I do every two weeks. Upon returning home at 6am I raced in to our room and woke Chad up asking him to help me with the groceries..cornering him by the kitchen door smiling like a goon and spilling the good news right there while his hands were full of brown paper bags. So today I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant..my due date is 1/18/13. It took all of five minutes to soak in and I spent all of Saturday catching up on what is new on the market, the bump.com, planning on what I would do with the guest room. You name it I thought about it on Saturday. We had the great opportunity to do an impromtu cook out with my dear friend Mich and husband Craig who are expecting also. She is due a week before me. I was estatic to share the news with her and we sat on the deck talking up a storm. She experienced a miscarraige three months ago and as she would say is hopeful this one will "stick" and is keeping one foot in and the other out. I looked at her and quickly replied.."It's to late for me. I'm already in with both feet." Throughout this past week I have experience the joys of morning sickness and I say that meaning it. I am joyful that my body is reacting with such strong symptoms. It gives me hope that everything is going the way that it should. I had several conversations with my OB on the phone, went in the have my HCC levels checked, had my first ultrasound to make sure things looked ok and met with a hematologist yesterday and determined I would start Lovenox shots today. We have another ultrasound scheudled for the 8th and hope that we will see a strong heartbeat. I can say that within the last 48 hours by joy and excitement have turned every so slightly to nervousness and a hint of fear. Every time I wake up, go to the bathroom, feel tightness in my abdomen I wonder and my mind starts going a thousand miles a minute. But this morning I look several deep breaths and remembered the verse in the Bible that says " I knew you before you were in your mother's womb" (Not the exact verbatum but you get the gyst) And I remembered that God knows this precious baby in my womb...He knows the days this baby will live inside and hopefully out. His plan for this baby was ordained in the heavens and I must trust Him. I must...it is scary for me and I would be lying to say that I won't be neverous in the days/months to come but I must trust Him. As I trust Him with Noah, Kylan, and Mason I must trust Him with this baby he has chosen me to carry. After Mason was born our worship pastor's wife read a passage from Shauna Niequist's book "Bittersweet" and I wept. I bought the book that afternoon and couldn't put it down. I follow her blog and feel like her and I could be the best of friends because her heart and thought process remind me so much of my own. This afternoon I was laying on the couch thinking about taking a nap and started to do my afternoon reading of blogs that I love. And I saw that she spoke at Willow Creek on Mother's Day and decided to take a listen. I will tell you that God used her to share an amazing message about motherhood and all that different pieces of it. I incourage you to take 42 minutes out of your day get cozy on your favorite chair with a blanket and watch. I promise you will be blessed. http://media.willowcreek.org/weekend/mothers-day-2012/#content For some reason I can't get the link part to come through but if you copy this into your URL you won't be dissapointed. And so now our family will begin a new season. Right now we are waiting for our next ultrasound and then will tell our boys and family. Until them I'm taking each day as it comes and prayful that this pregnancy will be a healthy one. Blessings!