" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Beth Moore- Esther and exactly what I needed to "hear"

Throughout the past two months I have been challenged continuosly and frankly wish I could say I have been at peace every day and have not lived in fear or had days filled with anxiety. And while often times I haven't felt God near I've never doubted His presence.  Friday he showed up in a big way.... My day started off at the lab getting my last round (for the set my dr order) of labs drawn.  I had to fast for the last two tests and had my coffee waiting in the car for when I was done...I headed over to my moms and spent the day with her at her place just being quiet.....and then my aunt came.  My aunt has worked in the natural medicine arena for over twenty years and as we got talking I shared with her everything from 9/30 on including all of the symptoms/pains I was still dealing with post my PE diagnosis.  She sat there for a minute and then asked if I had looked at the side affects for all of the medicines I was on to see if any of them were things I had been dealing with over the past two weeks.  I quickly responded and said no but was sure my dr would have checked into that as I was seeing her.  After my aunt left I began to google side effects for the meds I'm on and as soon as I pulled the list up for Coumadin tears began to pour....EVERY pain, numbness of the legs,face, one sided weakness, headaches, stroke symptoms, and more was listed.  All of which I have experienced at one time or another over the past few weeks.  I immediately called my dr's office at 3.26 (not that I remember the exact time) but she had already left for the day and of course was not the dr on call this weekend. I left a message and my heart leaped...I go to the anti coag clinic tomorrow am for my normal testing for my INR and then plan on making an appt with my dr as soon as the phone lines open at eight.  It is my prayer that I am indeed allergic to coumadin, can be put on something else, and I will be healed.  They should have almost all of my bloodwork back tomorrow so hopefully that will come back with positive answers also.  My heart has been lighter this weekend and while I've still be tired and experiencing pains I'm hopeful that I will have answers tomorrow and can more forward.
     While sitting on my couch today I decided to pick up my Esther (Beth Moore) Bible study that I have been doing with my mom and my friend Jody for a long time...we try to get together at least twice a month but have taken a long time going through this study.  I've really enjoyed it and have learned so much!!! Wouldn't you know that the first lesson I worked on today talked about fear.  Below is an excerpt that I highlighted and underlined and read over and over:

     Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us, so he settles for the next best thing: threatening to destroy us.  Based on our histories and behaviors he deduces what we ourselves are most convinced would raze us.  To the Devil, the irony is delicious.  Our distrust of God tattles on us, telling our enemy exactly how to get to us.  Many of us habitually rehearse, "If __________ ever happens, then I'll just __________." Our fears become like long bony index fingers pointing at our vulnerbilities.  Once Satan see what we believe would be the end of us, he threatens and torments us with it. Our natural human defense is to grovel before God and plead with Him not to let those things happen.  Our conditional trust not only makes us an open target for enemy torment; it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before God instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father. ...............................
The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place we trust Him-Period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most.  We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us......................
Our only steadfast defenses against lifes certain uncertainty is unconditional trust in a Savior who loves us more than His own life.

We were then asked to fill in three if and then statements...here are mine:

1. "If I die then God will protect my husband, children, friends, and family."
2. "If I lose my job then God will provide."
3. "If I perish, then God WILL STILL REIN."

I will tell you that number one and three I right with that part of fear that Satan has been paralyzing me with for months but I write it redeemed by my Father and know that even though I don't know His plan He brought me to open my study today and read these word Beth wrote and softened my heart and quietly (loudly) reminded just how close He has been this whole time.  I pray that tomorrow will be closure and answers. I pray that I will be able to return to work soon...I pray that this Thanksgiving I can be thankful for answers.  I'll know more tomorrow and will be sure to update you.  Blessings and as always thank you for your prayers. 

Friday, November 19, 2010

Praying for wisdom, patience, and healing..........

These past few weeks have been filled with many happy things and many things that have brought struggle, fear, and anxiety.  I'll start with the awesome blessings...my mom was able to go visit my brother during his pass weekend at basic training! From what she shared with me it was full of wonderful conversations, movie watching, and lots of good food.  Mike was able to call me multiple times and that was a huge blessing! Hearing his voice and being able to talk to him was amazing.  I've missed our morning coffee talks as we call them and was glad to hear that he is enjoying his training and all that he is learning.  He started AIT and graduates in four weeks.  If all works out the way he plans he will be moving back home sometime in February. I couldn't be prouder of him.  God has truly transformed his heart and blessed him immensely!
My sister, Nena, was hired at the same company my husband and I work for. PTL! It is a full time job with wonderful benefits and will pay for her college when she goes back.  She is beyond thrilled and looking forward to moving into an apartment with Mike in the summer.  How God has blessed my siblings...it's been amazing to watch. Noah and Ky are doing fantastic and both equally loving school. Although Noah told me this week that he no longer wants to bring his lunch to school, that he wants to use the tray and pick our whatever he wants. He assured me he didn't have to pay for it and "all" of his friends use the trays for lunch. How my heart melted at my little man growing up.  So now I must figure out where to find the menu and put money in his account so he can enjoy this new experience.....
     Now for an update on me....The last two weeks have been extremely hard for me...both physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I have been to the hospital almost every day either to urgent care, the anticoag clinic, the lab, or my doctor's office.  I also have the on call doctor's numbers memorized and the triage nurse and i are on a first name basis.  Praise- My lungs have cleared which is a huge blessing! My breathing is back to normal and I'm so thankful.  However I'm still dealing with fatigue, intense pain that comes and goes in my shoulders, legs, and last week traveled up my neck and to my forehead. Sunday I ended back at the hospital because I could feel the pain moving in my leg and was scared that I was no longer therapeutic...thankfully I still was however these pain have increased my anxiety immensely and I am having a really hard time being alone.  Monday evening my left leg from my ankle to my knee went number and part of my face went numb as well...I went to urgent care right away only to deal with a jerk of a doctor and after three hours of being there was told I have peripheral nerve damage and will need to work with a neurologist....  Thankfully I had an appt with my dr Tuesday morning and was able to review everything with her.  She is struggling to connect some of my remaining symptoms to my PE and has now ran seven new labs on me to look for everything from MS, Lupus, and other things that could be causing these problems.  Depending on the results I will be seeing a neurologist and potentially a second specialist next week.  Unfortunately this means another week off of work and to be honest I was hoping I would be able to start back up again next week.  In the same breath I just want all of the tests and everything resolved before I return. I was told that most if not all of the results should be available by Tuesday so i'm hoping to know more then.  Right now I'm researching neurologists in the area and praying for next steps, wisdom, and peace.  To be honest peace is one thing I have been struggling with these past two weeks...fear has slowly crept its way back in.  Thankfully my best friend flew here to be with me while my mom was gone to GA....that really helped just having someone here during the day....plus I love her to death and was thankful to see her.  I realized today that I've worn the same two pairs of sweats for the past two weeks and should probably switch it up as the lab techs probably think i don't own anything else. I've continued to pray daily for healing for answers and for wisdom, but I've struggled to feel His presence...I know He is there and will never leave me but right now I just feel like He's been distant....and I feel scared.  I'm scared that something is going to happen while Chad and the boys are gone during the day, that something will happen while I am driving, and the thoughts continue.  Bless my mom's heart she has been here almost every day prior to last week doing laundry and dishes and just being here while I've slept.  I don't know what I would do without her support.  Chad's been nothing short of amazing but I could tell last week that he was getting mad that I was still having to wait for answers, dealing with the pain, and having to go back and forth to the hospital so much.  This week hasn't been any different except now we know I will most likely be referred to a specialist next week.  Are you tired of hearing about this? I know i'm tired of thinking about all of it...lol  I've tried to keep my sense of humor through all of this but have to say I feel deflated this week.  I want my life back....and am desperately clinging to His word and know that He has a plan. I want to be used by Him but the selfish part of me wants this all to be over with sooner than later.
     On a positive note my sweet husband bought me a Keurig http://www.keurig.com/.  And i'm in love with it!!!! It has brightened my mornings and the variety of flavors to choose from is exciting.  My sweet friend ,Sandi, sent a large sample box of flavors home with Chad and I have enjoyed trying them out.  I am sad to say that I think my coffee pot is going to be replaced...it's still on the counter but we shall see for how long. :) The exciting thing that Carm got me hooked on is Harney & Sons, Hot Cinnamon Tea http://www.harney.com/.  I've never been a tea drinker but has always wanted too.... I did like a raspberry tea while I was prego with Ky but stopped drinking it once I had him. Anyhow in the afternoons I'm now drinking this wonderful tea and am excited to try a few more flavors Carm recommended...those would be from Tea Forte http://www.teaforte.com/
     So if you think about it the next few days please be in prayer for my test results, for the dr I'm working with, for guidance on next steps, and that I can return to work soon.  Please also pray for my husband....I know this has been hard for him and even though he tries not to show it I know he's impatient for answers also. Blessings

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Prayers for Katie

Over the past year I have been following Katie's blog  here: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/.  Her testimony and love for Christ humbles me every time I read her blog! A few days ago I read her blog and she asked for prayer for her family and today she shared what has unfolded in her family's life over the past few days.  As a mother my heart breaks for her. Please read her blog, be blessed by it, and pray for this precious family as they continue to praise God during this storm.  Blessings!