Throughout the past two months I have been challenged continuosly and frankly wish I could say I have been at peace every day and have not lived in fear or had days filled with anxiety. And while often times I haven't felt God near I've never doubted His presence. Friday he showed up in a big way.... My day started off at the lab getting my last round (for the set my dr order) of labs drawn. I had to fast for the last two tests and had my coffee waiting in the car for when I was done...I headed over to my moms and spent the day with her at her place just being quiet.....and then my aunt came. My aunt has worked in the natural medicine arena for over twenty years and as we got talking I shared with her everything from 9/30 on including all of the symptoms/pains I was still dealing with post my PE diagnosis. She sat there for a minute and then asked if I had looked at the side affects for all of the medicines I was on to see if any of them were things I had been dealing with over the past two weeks. I quickly responded and said no but was sure my dr would have checked into that as I was seeing her. After my aunt left I began to google side effects for the meds I'm on and as soon as I pulled the list up for Coumadin tears began to pour....EVERY pain, numbness of the legs,face, one sided weakness, headaches, stroke symptoms, and more was listed. All of which I have experienced at one time or another over the past few weeks. I immediately called my dr's office at 3.26 (not that I remember the exact time) but she had already left for the day and of course was not the dr on call this weekend. I left a message and my heart leaped...I go to the anti coag clinic tomorrow am for my normal testing for my INR and then plan on making an appt with my dr as soon as the phone lines open at eight. It is my prayer that I am indeed allergic to coumadin, can be put on something else, and I will be healed. They should have almost all of my bloodwork back tomorrow so hopefully that will come back with positive answers also. My heart has been lighter this weekend and while I've still be tired and experiencing pains I'm hopeful that I will have answers tomorrow and can more forward.
While sitting on my couch today I decided to pick up my Esther (Beth Moore) Bible study that I have been doing with my mom and my friend Jody for a long time...we try to get together at least twice a month but have taken a long time going through this study. I've really enjoyed it and have learned so much!!! Wouldn't you know that the first lesson I worked on today talked about fear. Below is an excerpt that I highlighted and underlined and read over and over:
Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us, so he settles for the next best thing: threatening to destroy us. Based on our histories and behaviors he deduces what we ourselves are most convinced would raze us. To the Devil, the irony is delicious. Our distrust of God tattles on us, telling our enemy exactly how to get to us. Many of us habitually rehearse, "If __________ ever happens, then I'll just __________." Our fears become like long bony index fingers pointing at our vulnerbilities. Once Satan see what we believe would be the end of us, he threatens and torments us with it. Our natural human defense is to grovel before God and plead with Him not to let those things happen. Our conditional trust not only makes us an open target for enemy torment; it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before God instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father. ...............................
The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place we trust Him-Period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us......................
Our only steadfast defenses against lifes certain uncertainty is unconditional trust in a Savior who loves us more than His own life.
We were then asked to fill in three if and then statements...here are mine:
1. "If I die then God will protect my husband, children, friends, and family."
2. "If I lose my job then God will provide."
3. "If I perish, then God WILL STILL REIN."
I will tell you that number one and three I right with that part of fear that Satan has been paralyzing me with for months but I write it redeemed by my Father and know that even though I don't know His plan He brought me to open my study today and read these word Beth wrote and softened my heart and quietly (loudly) reminded just how close He has been this whole time. I pray that tomorrow will be closure and answers. I pray that I will be able to return to work soon...I pray that this Thanksgiving I can be thankful for answers. I'll know more tomorrow and will be sure to update you. Blessings and as always thank you for your prayers.