" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Friday, September 25, 2009

It's Friday~!!

Well friend's it been a week!!! My car broke down while driving to Chicago today but ptl I was able to make it back to where my husband works and then had it jumped and made it to our mechanic. It's now fixed but was not a good start to my day!!! I started class up again this semester and really struggled with dropping it but decided to stick with it. I'm thankful that I am because once I'm down with this class I can transfer to a school closer to Chicago. Tomorrow i'm getting together with a dear friend of mine from Alaska! She moved to Madison a couple of years ago and we try and get together at least once a month. We are going to go to a couple of wineries tomorrow which should be a lot of fun. I will post pictures when we get back. I'm getting ready to take the boys to get their hair cut and getting mine washed! I can't wait. I will be so glad when I can stand on my feet in the shower and wash my own hair!! God is good though as always and I know he is bigger then my circumstances. I'm praying for a peaceful weekend, and can't wait to share my adventures tomorrow!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Fractured Foot and His Timing

What a week! Well I have been working at my new job for six weeks now and while I love it, it's definately put a bump in my normal workout routine! We have a gym at both companies and I used to work out on my lunch hour every day and then go for a run four nights a week and do some other kind of cardio at the Y the rest of the week...inserts new job and long cummute and out goes my lunch workout because I don't work a full day at my Chicago office. Well it's been frustrating to me not being able to workout because that has become a huge outlet for me over the last several months and I've missed it. So Monday night I went for a long run and when I got home I couldn't stand on my left foot...yep I knew as soon as I took my running show off that I had done something to it...Go me!! You see my left foot has been bothering me the last two months but I've just been chalking it up to a pulled muscle. So the hubby took me to the hospital on Tuesday and the doctor looked at my X-Rays and foot and said that I not only had tendonitis, some other itis I can't pronounce or spell, and a stress fracture. I left in a big air cast and crutches...inserts God...you see I'm a go go girl..never seem to SLOW down and always running. Usally these things happen to me when God is trying to get my attention. Years ago the same thing happened..I got pheumonia, mono, and a fractured foot all within a three month period. God spoke to me in a big way while I was home and on the couch and taught me a lot. Would I have taken the time to really listen otherwise about what He was specifically speaking to me about otherwise..I don't know but He did and I was blessed. Jump ahead 7 years to this week and this week is our "Go Live" Integration which is my big project I've been working on since March..and all of my staff from Chicago is up to implement it and where have I been...? At home on the couch elevating my leg and frustrated because I feel like I've let my team down. But God has been so good and my boss has been amazing at telling me to stay home, rest, and they can take it from here. I know God is trying to teach me something and I'm pretty sure it all goes back to giving up another area of false sense of "control" but I'm making sure to be still and listen, and pray, and study his Word...don't get me wrong I try to on a daily basis, but I would be lying to you if I said I made a point to be in the word every day. Sorry for the rambling but thought I would share what's happened this week. Tonight I'm sitting at home with my youngest next to me playing his big brother's DS and enjoying just sitting with him. We are going to go outside and water the flowers soon and then my girlfriend is bringing over a bottle of wine to share on our patio! She called just a bit ago to cheer me up and i'm stoked. Can't wait. Fall is here and i'm loving the cooler weather. I really want to go to an apple orchard and hoping to fit that in one of the weekends to come.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Crazy Love!

What a week...one filled with rough moments and good moments...God has used them all. This weekend was wonderful! I got to spend a lot of time with the boys and has Noah's birthday party at our home today. It was so much fun but always a production getting ready as I come from a big family and getting just our immediate family together is at least 20 people. It was a blast though and fun had by all. I joined Bloom..the book club started by Angie Smith and just finished reading the first chapter of Crazy Love and am hooked already! What an amazing book. I'm so excited to see what God is going to teach me as I read this book. I've already got so much to think about and go back and re read. I'm so excited to be part of this book club and am also starting a Bible study with my mom. We are doing Beth Moore's Bible study, Ester. I can't wait!! Tomorrow starts day one and i'm looking forward to growing and seeing what God is going to teach me and I dive into these studies and His word. This week is a big one at work as we "Go Live" with our integration tomorrow and I have a ton of homework for my stats class i'm taking. I'm just taking one day at a time and thankful for all that He has blessed me with. Have a graet evening everyone! Blessings.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Having a moment

This week is going to be a rough week! We go live with our integration next week and there is so much yet to be done and honestly i just feel drained at this moment. If i'm being honest..nothing specific triggered it, it's not a milestone date, it's just a moment where I feel weak, tired, sad, and empty. I know an hour from now i'll be fine...i know tomorrow will be better, but at this moment i'm angry...I'm angry that Mason isn't here...i'm angry that I struggle often, I'm angry that some days it just feels so hard to be here, I'm angry that my life can't go back, I'm angry. The tears keep welling...my husband knows i'm having a moment and asks if I need/want to go talk to W...but I don't. Don't get me wrong she has been a great tool in my life but right now i'm just feeling....and I know that's part of it...but i'm tired of the feeling, the good days, great days, putting it on paper, and even going back and forth through all of the motions. It's just draining and even though I'm ok writing about it because in all honestly I don't have to go to work and see any of you tomorrow, I don't have to feel like I need to explain or re explain or apologize after I have my moment and that makes it easier, because i'm exhausted just talking to those I care about and see on a daily basis...it's draining... I love my friends, family, have wonderful co workers, but I feel like i'm grasping for straws some days trying to come up with something funny to say, or even just put on a smile and keep up with the conversation at hand. Again this isn't every day just some days, some day is today...and today I just wish I could run away.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hope out of Ashes

Hope...a word until recently meant so much but as seven months ago became a word that kept me going. It was the hope that God promises that I will see my son again, the hope that he would help me through a pain I've never felt before, the hope that he would get me through the challenges that came hours, day, weeks, and still months after losing Mason. Hope a small word with a big meaning, a word that has given me peace, a word that I hold onto. It's so easy to lose hope...it's easy to dwell on the bad, the hard days, the anger, the pain, but then there's that whisper that speaks to my heart..."Have Hope"..."I will Carry You"...."Let my hand uphold you"...It's the Holy Spirit guiding me and it's God's strength, love, and HOPE, that help me get through that day, enjoy the week, laugh again, and live. Here's a link to the song I was sharing with you yesterday...that says so eloquently what my heart needs to hear. I pray that you will rest in the Hope God offers, and may His Hand of Peace hold you.


I was reading Angie's blog today and stumbed across incourage and am excited to go back and check it out. http://www.incourage.me/ I think it's a great place to check in with others and gain great advice, comfort, friends, ideas, and more.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Friendships, Grace, Grief

It's been a while since I posted and alot has happened. As I sit here tonight my heart is heavy but also thankful at the same time. I have a dear friend who I have know for almost six years...we have been through alot together and she has been my prayer warrior so many times through out the years. She has prayed for me daily and I know this because she tells me but I always know when I'm having a bad day I will hear from her via email or a phone call, because I kid you not the Holy Spirit always leads her to reach out to me. My dear friend has health problems so bad that I haven't seen her much in person over the past year because it is so painful for her to walk across a room. Three days ago she sent me a simple email...have time for coffee? I was excited to make plans with her but also weary as each time I've tried to make plans with her over the past year she has canceled or forgotten. I don't fault her as I know she has her reasons, but I've missed seeing her and sharing our lives with each other. Well today came and she didn't cancel and for an hour and a half we shared our lives and caught up a bit more than our short emails we exchange. And our time was blessed! You see even though we haven't been able to sit down and talk in person for a long time at least not more than 10 minutes when I stop over to her office for a quick hello, she knows my heart...so much so that when she listened to Selah's new CD and heard Audrey's song she cried for me and prayed that God would carry me and knew that I needed to listen to that song....so she tried to figure out a way to get the song to me at the right time...She was going to email Chad to buy it for me and give it to me...then she decided to get it for me and invite me to coffee even though just getting out of the car and walking to the coffee table caused her pain she wanted me to hear it and then when she opened her bag to give it to me she got choked up because she had forgotten the cd at home and so badly wanted me to hear the song.... And you know what the sweet thing is...I follow Angie's blog and know exactly what song it is because I listened to it on her website and cried my eyes out. I'm thankful to have a friend who can share her life with me, the good and the bad, and pray for me even when I don't ask. Today I was blessed by her heart and thankful to sit and let the tears pour as I got real with a very dear friend and it was ok. I cried with her as she shared the pain she is going through in her life and after we were done sharing we talked about God's hand in our lives and both agree that while we didn't choose these chapters we are going to let Him lead us through them. I sit here now with the tears pouring down my face because honestly for the past few weeks i've just been in go mode and the feelings turned off....I've been going and going and honestly doing good but not letting myself think too far past that to the loss I still feel deep in my heart. I'm so thankful that God knew we needed each other and without me even knowing it we both had a chance to share and be comforted by one another. She has lost dear friendships through her suffering and can totally relate to some of things I feel/say and it was refreshing to say them and not second guess what I was saying. I have more to share....our trip to Chicago, to Galena, and Noah's first day at school, but am going to stop here for now and the words aren't coming.