" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Almost a year

I get choked up just thinking about this past year and all that has happened. Next Tuesday will be a year since Mason died. It will be a year since I gave birth to my tiny little boy and buried him days later. I can't even begin to tell you just how hard it is to write those words. I wish I could stop the tears but just thinking about those moments brings back a flood of memories, memories that are often still sitting at the surface. I remember when I found out we were pregnant with Mason...I remember telling my girlfriend and then not telling anyone..I desperately wanted to wait until I made it through my first tri-mester and was thrilled when I did without any complications. As long as I live I will never forget that Sunday and coming home from church and just not feeling right. That moment of horror waking up in the middle of night knowing my water broke, and knowing that what I was about to experience is every mothers worst fear. For me it was knowing that not only was I going into pre-term labor, i knew he was too small to survive. I will never forget my precious husband by my side...holding my hand and kissing my face...I will never forgot the nurses telling me they could feel his feet and that it wouldn't be long. I will never forget holding him, his tiny body in my hands. And the list continues of those moments that are etched in my memory as if they are pictures replaying. Amongst those memories are those of people God placed in our path to help us through. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only did He not forsake me...but He held me the whole time and still does on those rough days and hours. And believe me there are still many. I'd be lying if I said my faith hasn't been tested to it's core, but in that same breath He has shown me love in a way that has brought me to my knees. He has taken every scream, and tantrum, and awful word with grace and never let go. I know it sounds cliche but it's true...I know that had He not held me up I would not be here today and it's just that simple, period. For that I am grateful. I am grateful that my Father is strong enough to handle all of my days and mold me still. I'm thankful for a husband who has stood by my side and never left...this year has challenged our marriage and there have been times where I wasn't sure we could make it, but God has made our marriage stronger. It can still be rough..this past month has been no exception. As the days get closer I know I have distanced myself and pulled back...I know because Chad's told me...even tonight. I know sooner than later I will let it all out but honestly I've just had a hard time putting words to my feelings. I miss him. I miss what we don't have and that is Mason here. I wish I could see him with his brothers...what he looks like at 3 months, 6 months...all of those mile stones...but I can't. Most days I rest in knowing that he's happy and taken care of by the same Father who takes care of me...but sometimes I wish I could just kiss him one more time.