" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Winter Wonderland!

Well winter has officially showed it's face to Wisconsin!!! It came full speed ahead with a blizzard...i'm not exactly sure how many inches we got as it hasn't stopped snowing yet but i'm pretty sure we've past 15 inches. To top that off our power went off at 7:00 this morning and Chad was already at work so he had to come back and take us to my moms...i'm hoping the power is back on when we get home. We had to take all of our groceries out to our garage to make sure they stayed warm..i didn't want to risk having all of our food go bad after I just went grocery shopping on Sunday for the next two weeks. Besides the snow we are getting ready for Christmas and enjoying the holidays for the most part. The boys are thrilled about Christmas and love looking at all of the lights as we drive through neighborhoods. We even decided to put lights up outside this year and luckily we had them up before our first snow. I don't have a whole lot of new pictures to share but will take some more soon. I'm hoping to take the boys's annual Christmas picture by the tree this weekend :)

Well gotta run and get us packed up as we are planning on heading home soon to check on our home. Keep your fingers crossed that the power is up and running!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Door County






Ever since I moved to Wisconsin I have heard so many good things about Door County Wisconsin. I've always wanted to go and haven't been able to, unless you count my thirty minute drive through a few months ago, until now. A couple of weeks ago my dear friend Jill, her mom, and I packed up and started our journey north. We started out on the unofficial wine tour 2009 part two. Excited doesn't even begin to describe how thrilled I was to embark on our trip. We had met earlier that week and planned our excursion...the plan to visit 13 wineries in two days while exploring door county. Our first stop, Cedarburg Wisconsin...Cedar Creek Winery. I LOVED IT!!! Cedarburg is the cutest town with so many adorable shops. The winery was amazing and I enjoyed listening to Jane, our hostess, share information with us about all of the wines we tried. There was also this adorable pottery shop along with many other shops in the same buidling but we weren't able to visit all of them. I did make a mental note that I want to go back and spend the day exploring this town as it is so darn cute. We headed to Vine to Cellar next but they didn't open until noon...which was unfortunate but didn't burst our bubble:) Off we went to Trout Springs. Now let me tell you how hilarious this place was. The wine was extremely sweet and I actual enjoyed trying the dryer, bold red wines more. They also had this amazing salmon patte that I wish I would have bought! The funny part was their driveway, or lack of one. Poor Jill had to park on a tilt on the side of their driveway. It was a site watching us all try to get in and out of her car. I think we were all holding our breath that the car wouldn't tip. Thankfully it didn't and from there we headed to lunch. We found this fun brewery that had great wisconsin burgers and wraps, which was perfect! After lunch we went to Ledgestone Winery, which is one of my favorite locations. The owner did a great job with the building and he has a variety of wines from all over the world, including the wines he makes. While we all decided our favorite wine was Inkberry, an amazing red Austrailian wine, my favorite part was when we were leaving and I opened the car door and went to get in the car and realized it wasn't our car. That's right I was having so much fun and laughing that I wasn't even paying attention to what car I was getting into and opened a car that wasn't even ours. I completely lost it and couldn't stop laughing...what was even funnier was that Jill and her mom were calling for me and then realized what I did. We were in histerics laughing after that. And so the memory making weekend continued. Next on our stop, Parrallel 44...a neat yellow italian looking building in the middle of a corn field in the middle of nowhere. It was at this winery that I stumbled across the first port I have ever liked. It didn't have any brandy in it and it was esquisite! We took a few more pictures and headed off towards Von Stiel Winery. I have been to this winery before and love the selection of wine they have! I'm not kidding I think they have over 30 wines to choose from. My favorite wine from this winery is a red wine called, Naughty Girl. It is fantastic with pasta, burgers, and fajitas! We finished our tasting here and headed into sturgeon bag (door county)..excited doesn't even begin to explain how thrilled I was!! We picked up Sonny's pizza, which was to die for and headed to Jill's grandmas. Her grandma was so sweet! By the time we got there it was about 5:30 and I was exhausted!! I could have so crashed but we had dinner and went to see her cousin in a play at the local high school. I really enjoy plays and was looking forward to watching the musical but as soon as we sat down I crashed and I don't mean got comfortable...I literally fell aslepp, head bobbinh in all!!! I felt horrible and tried my best to stay awake. I felt so old at that moment and was laughing inside at just hold old and tired I felt. We went back to her grandmas afterward and I was out in minutes. Sunday morning we got up and headed to Door County Coffee shop...my dream coffee!!! The flavors they have make my mouth water and it was so hard to pick two pounds. We all settled on a peanut butter mocha which was a great way to start our day. The sun was shining and the day was perfect for shopping. We found a neat candle shop more wineries and then headed in the car for a complete tour of door county. I have to say that my favorite spot was Cape Point!!! Breathtaking doesn't even begin to describe it, but the drive was so worth it. Overall the weekend was filled with laughter, great company, and wine teasting galor. I can't wait to go back with Chad and the boys and explore more. I have a feeling Door County is going to become one of those places we visit often. Here are a few pics from my weekend!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Conclusions...




Today has been a busy but peaceful day. It started off on a soccer field and was so cold we canceled the game. The kids practiced for 20 minutes but then we headed home. I got up early went to the gym and then did some Christmas shopping before the boys' game. In between running around, tricker treating, and watching a movie, I've had a lot of time to think and have come to several conclusions:

* I must workout every day! I say this because I can tell when I don't I get worked up easier, don't have a whole lot of patience, and working out is a healthy release for me.
* I have addiction tendoncies..i'm not even sure if this is the correct way of sayign what I want to, but bare with me. I come from a family that has addiction tendancies...my father and grandfather are both alcholics, my sister has an eating disorder, my brother is a recovering drug addict, and the list continues. I am very aware of these behaviors in our family and am very conscious that I too could be one step away from falling into alcohlism if i'm not careful. I've been thinking about this alot today and in looking back over the past month and a half..i went from working out at least 4 days a week to 0..when I got my cast on my foot the workouts came to a screaching halt..and with that halt came another vice if you will...eating. I have always struggled with emotionally eating....or just eating when I'm bored, but mostly it's eating when i'm upset about it and don't know/or want to feel what I'm feeling. These past 6 weeks not only have I strayed from WW (weight watchers) and tracking my points, but I have started to indulge in sweets more than I have in the past 6 months... so much so that today I decided i'm addicted to chocolate and need to just not eat it. I'm not saying this to sound funny or dramatic but I honestly know that for me I'm not good at saying I will only have one piece...one turns into two, two to four and so on. It doesn't matter if it's a cookie, brownie, ice cream...and if i'm being honest, which that is why I have this blog, I have indulged in more that one chocolate item almost every day for the past two weeks and it makes me mad. So much so that today I took the control back and decided to not have chocolate for the next 365 days. I want to see if I can do it... i don't want an item of food to hold this type of control over me and it stops today. So I made it..my first day without anything chocolate and I'm back to tracking my points and had a fantastic workout this morning! Now i know this is going to be hard for me but i'm gonig to take one day at a time and make an effort to journal (blog) my feelings more than push them down.
* I miss having parents. My mom is one of my best friends, but frankly I've parented her since I can remember. I haven't spoken to my dad in over three years and prior to that we spoke for 6 months and before that we hadn't spoken in over 2 years. I remember being a daddy's girl when I was little...I adored him and wanted to be just like him. I strived to make him proud and was intent on his every word. When I was 10 he went overseas to fight in the desert storm and came back a changed person. He became an alcohlic and as the years progressed so did his addiction and his addiction turned abusive in many ways. He went back overseas for another tour to Afg and IQ for 2 1/2 years and was wounded. We reconnected via emial while he was overseas and we began talking to each other once he got back to the states.. Unfortunately things happened and we now don't speak. Today I missed him...the dad I knew as a child. I miss having a parent to go to for advice..a parent to lean on... just something that was on my heart today.
* I adore my husband- I really do. Even when we argue over the dumbest things like, "why didnt you put the house keys on the peg by the door"... I just love him. I'm so thankful God brought him into my life.
* I miss Mason... I saw our dears friends and their son C, who would have been 3 weeks younger than Mason...and my heart wept. I wonder what he would have looked like at 3 months, whose temperment he would have... I just miss him.
* I love Sundays...it our day of rest and I try really hard not to do a whole lot and just look forward to them.

We took the boys out for Halloween and went to several friends/family so they could see them dressed up. It was a lot of fun, but I know understand why mom's often get minivans! I still don't want one but appreciate them a little more after jumping in and out of the explorer today. The boys crashed once we got home and Chad and I watched the movie Duplicity. I really liked it but had a hard time following it and was completely thrown off by the ending. I'm going to have to watch it again and pick up what I missed. Now i'm ready to finally crash! I couldn't about an hour ago and thought I'd write a bit and it seems to have calmed my busy brain down. Here are a fews pics from tonight.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Surprise party and flu all in the same week!

So my honey turned the big 30 on Sunday! I have been planning a surprise party for him for the past two months and it turned out great! All of our family came and we had a lot of laughs. Chad has always liked Star Wars, and I just don't, but I wanted his party to have all of his favorites so the theme was Star Wars! I bought Lego Star Wars shirts for the boys to wear, Had a life size cardboard cutout of Darth Vader, Star Wars balloons, etc. His sister picked him up for lunch and that is when everyone came and we set up the party. Everyone parked a street over so when he came home and we yelled surprise you could tell he was in shock! IT was perfect!! Chad is my biggest supporter and deserved to have a day to celebrate him. I'll post pics soon. Monday we both took off work and spent the day shopping and just hanging out. It was great to just talk, laugh, and be together. I even made a dent in my Christmas shopping. Most of all I just enjoyed our conversations. We always have such a wonderful time talking whenever we go out and Monday was no exception. However on the way home from IL I started to feel horrible, feverish, dizzy, and not right at all. And that carried over to Tues, Wed, and today. I have had a horrible headache, fever, problems breathing, aches, you name it. I talked to a triage nurse who said I have upper respitory influenza. I had to laugh...only because I really just need a break from the craziness of hospitals. I did work from home yesterday but took today off and have couched it all day. I have been a complete tube head and slept a lot. I'm feeling a little better tonight and haven't had a fever today which is great! I'm hoping I feel good enough to go to work in Chitown tomorrow as I have a big project to complete for next week. On another fun note, we found the cutest dinosaur costumes for the boys!!! I can't wait to post pics. They look so darn cute. T, who watches them, made trail mix with them today and had a costume parade. I can't wait to see pics. They just love dressing up like dinosaurs! We are going to get professional pics done in two weeks and I might just have to have them take a couple of shots with them in their costumes. I'm planning on giving pictures of them framed to the grandparents and aunts and uncle for Christmas this year. I can't believe I'm already talking about Christmas. Where did the year go? That's all that's going on around here this week. Have a blessed day!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Catching up!






It's been a busy couple of weeks! We were in Chicago two weeks ago for the Chicago marathon and that was a blast! My sister Ash ran in it and we were so excited to be there to support her. We stayed at a friend's loft downtown and it was perfect! There was 6 of us there to watch her and we had a lot of fun making our way around the city. My aunt and cousins came up from the burbs and we got to do lunch and some shopping with them which was a blast!

Last week i went to Greenville for the day and that was fun! I got to fly on the corporate jet which was an experience. I felt like a little kid and couldn't sleep the night before because i was so excited. Greenville was warm but I didn't get to see much of the city since I was in meetings all day.

This weekend my hubby turns the big 30! I have been planning a surprise party for him with our families and a surprise dinner in two weeks with our close friends and can't wait to see the look of surprise on his face! He loves Star Wars and I don't so I thought it would be perfect to have a Star Wars theme for his 30th! I bought the cutest Lego star wars shirts for the boys to wear and all kinds of decor for the house! It should be a fun filled day and we have tomorrow of to spend time together which will be so nice.

Right now i'm just enjoying the last bit of fall before it starts snowing! I'm hoping to make some pumpkin scones today and find my favorite pumpkin for decoration! I got it at an apple orchard last year and packed it away some place good! We took the boys to a pumpkin farm yesterday and had a wonderful time picking out their pumpkins and carving them at home. I never carved pumpkins when I was little so it was a whole new experience! Overall the past couple of weeks have been so busy but fun. We are busy straight through Thanksgiving but with so many fun things to do. I love spending time with our family and friends and making memories as we go. Above are a few pics from the past few weeks that I thought you would enjoy!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss

As I sit here and type the tears stream down my face. My heart breaks as I remember my precious son Mason and the day I lost him. It is one of those moments that will forever be etched in my memory and never be forgotten. I remember the days after...his funeral...leaving the hospital without him, crying, screaming out to God why? I remember the numbness and the subsequent pain that consumed me for many days/months to follow. I'm so thankful for my precious friends who stood by me as I grieved and tried so hard to put the pieces together. I'm so thankful for their love, patience and support. Beyond that I give all of the Glory to God, because friends I know without Him I would not be here today, and I don't write that to be dramatic but to share the truth. While what I experienced was terrifying it would have been horrific if I had not know Christ and had Him to be my stronghold. There were many many days where I couldn't get out of bed...and everything was hard...there were more bad days then good and it was here that HE met me. It was here that He literally helped me get through those angry tears of anguish and it make it another day. Slowly the bad days turned to good days, and the good days turned to great...the saying one step forward two steps back became very true. But it felt so good to laugh again and to be able to mother my children at home. For quite some time after Mason died I shutdown and just couldn't function. I never questioned where Mason was but I sure asked Why alot. I find peace today knowing that God's plan for my life is perfect, I know he cried/cries with me on those bad days, I know He is holding my son now, I know my son is experiencing a life in Heaven I can't wait to have, I know one day we will be reunited, I know until then I will rejoice in my Father's love and calling for my life. I will do my best to love my children, family and friends with the love of Christ that He has showered on me. I will have bad days even still but know in the midst of them He is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. He is who i trust and for me...that is enough. I pray for all of you who have experienced the loss of a child. I now share in that loss and my heart is truly burdened for you. God has brought so many amazing women into my life via the blog world since I started my blog and I have been blessed to read so many of your blogs and be touched by them. Tonight I will hug my children before they go to bed and remember just how lucky I am...to have my sons here on earth and my son in heaven. They have all touched my life and I will never be the same because of them. Blessings~

Monday, October 5, 2009

Apple donuts, Apple cider, and Mums!





I love fall!!! It is my favorite season! I could wear a sweatshirt and jeans every day and be content. I love the smell of leaves burnging, apple orchards, sweet corn, leaves changing colors, crisp mornings, and coffee on the porch. These are just a few of my favorite things about fall. This weekend my friend Michelle and I took the boys to my favorite apple orchard and had a wonderful time! The boys loved having their picture taken and we made a stop in the cafe before we left for some warm apple cider, apple cider donuts, and apple pie! It was a wonderful day trip after church and we made it home in time for naps:) This week is turning out to be insanely busy but I'm trying to stay positive and hoping to get my cast off on Wed. This weekend Chad and I are going to Chicago to watch my sister run in the Chicago Marathon! We are so excited for her and to top that she just got engaged yesterday!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Blessed and then some..




It's been a wonderful week! Let me back up though and fill you in on my wine tour that I went on with my girfriend from Alaska! Here's where it gets comical..so I am horrible with Wisconsin geography. I can barely tell you where I live let alone direct you to any major city beside Madison or Milwaukee...and I just figured out four years ago that Milwaukee is east of where I live and not west lol! Well anyway I have a wine tour map and was going to put together a list for my friend D and I so she knew which wineries we were going to go to. I planned on going to a few that I had gone to a couple of months ago with my friend Jill. I thought they were by "the lake". Well the week of our tour I couldn't find my map and my friend D called to confirm we were still going to get together. I told her I couldn't find my map but wanted to give her the list so she knew where we were going. She had one and rattled off a few names and said they are by "the lake" right? I agreed and we made plans to get together bright and early Sat morning. She picked me up, we stopped at my favorite coffee shop and off we went. As i'm looking at her list of wineries I realize that none of them except for one are the ones I was thinking about and frankly they didn't ring a bell. When I opened her map I realized "the lake" she was talking about was Sturgeon Bay and not Lake Michigan which come to find out is no where near the wineries I was talking about to begin with. Long story short our get together was amazing and we laughed so hard, it was great!

This week was a busy one but wonderful! Work is going well, we had our first parent teacher conference for Noah, the boys had a soccer this morning, and tomorrow we are going to an apple orchard after church. Oh and we met a couple at church two weeks ago and have been talking to them after church the last two weeks and I think we might get together sometime! I'm so excited because we really don't have any close friends at our church and I have been praying that we would meet a couple that we could do stuff with!

Tonight Chad is having a few buddies over so i'm going to be hanging out in my family room, organizing my calendar, our google calendar, and my menu for the week~! I'm also reading Crazy Love for Bloom and need to catch up on my posts there as well. All in all it's busy right now but i'm loving every minute of it. Fall is my favorite season so i'm eating up the sweatshirt weather, apples, pumkin butter, and leaves changing.

Here are some recent pics I thought you might like! Have a Blessed weekend.

Friday, September 25, 2009

It's Friday~!!

Well friend's it been a week!!! My car broke down while driving to Chicago today but ptl I was able to make it back to where my husband works and then had it jumped and made it to our mechanic. It's now fixed but was not a good start to my day!!! I started class up again this semester and really struggled with dropping it but decided to stick with it. I'm thankful that I am because once I'm down with this class I can transfer to a school closer to Chicago. Tomorrow i'm getting together with a dear friend of mine from Alaska! She moved to Madison a couple of years ago and we try and get together at least once a month. We are going to go to a couple of wineries tomorrow which should be a lot of fun. I will post pictures when we get back. I'm getting ready to take the boys to get their hair cut and getting mine washed! I can't wait. I will be so glad when I can stand on my feet in the shower and wash my own hair!! God is good though as always and I know he is bigger then my circumstances. I'm praying for a peaceful weekend, and can't wait to share my adventures tomorrow!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Fractured Foot and His Timing

What a week! Well I have been working at my new job for six weeks now and while I love it, it's definately put a bump in my normal workout routine! We have a gym at both companies and I used to work out on my lunch hour every day and then go for a run four nights a week and do some other kind of cardio at the Y the rest of the week...inserts new job and long cummute and out goes my lunch workout because I don't work a full day at my Chicago office. Well it's been frustrating to me not being able to workout because that has become a huge outlet for me over the last several months and I've missed it. So Monday night I went for a long run and when I got home I couldn't stand on my left foot...yep I knew as soon as I took my running show off that I had done something to it...Go me!! You see my left foot has been bothering me the last two months but I've just been chalking it up to a pulled muscle. So the hubby took me to the hospital on Tuesday and the doctor looked at my X-Rays and foot and said that I not only had tendonitis, some other itis I can't pronounce or spell, and a stress fracture. I left in a big air cast and crutches...inserts God...you see I'm a go go girl..never seem to SLOW down and always running. Usally these things happen to me when God is trying to get my attention. Years ago the same thing happened..I got pheumonia, mono, and a fractured foot all within a three month period. God spoke to me in a big way while I was home and on the couch and taught me a lot. Would I have taken the time to really listen otherwise about what He was specifically speaking to me about otherwise..I don't know but He did and I was blessed. Jump ahead 7 years to this week and this week is our "Go Live" Integration which is my big project I've been working on since March..and all of my staff from Chicago is up to implement it and where have I been...? At home on the couch elevating my leg and frustrated because I feel like I've let my team down. But God has been so good and my boss has been amazing at telling me to stay home, rest, and they can take it from here. I know God is trying to teach me something and I'm pretty sure it all goes back to giving up another area of false sense of "control" but I'm making sure to be still and listen, and pray, and study his Word...don't get me wrong I try to on a daily basis, but I would be lying to you if I said I made a point to be in the word every day. Sorry for the rambling but thought I would share what's happened this week. Tonight I'm sitting at home with my youngest next to me playing his big brother's DS and enjoying just sitting with him. We are going to go outside and water the flowers soon and then my girlfriend is bringing over a bottle of wine to share on our patio! She called just a bit ago to cheer me up and i'm stoked. Can't wait. Fall is here and i'm loving the cooler weather. I really want to go to an apple orchard and hoping to fit that in one of the weekends to come.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Crazy Love!

What a week...one filled with rough moments and good moments...God has used them all. This weekend was wonderful! I got to spend a lot of time with the boys and has Noah's birthday party at our home today. It was so much fun but always a production getting ready as I come from a big family and getting just our immediate family together is at least 20 people. It was a blast though and fun had by all. I joined Bloom..the book club started by Angie Smith and just finished reading the first chapter of Crazy Love and am hooked already! What an amazing book. I'm so excited to see what God is going to teach me as I read this book. I've already got so much to think about and go back and re read. I'm so excited to be part of this book club and am also starting a Bible study with my mom. We are doing Beth Moore's Bible study, Ester. I can't wait!! Tomorrow starts day one and i'm looking forward to growing and seeing what God is going to teach me and I dive into these studies and His word. This week is a big one at work as we "Go Live" with our integration tomorrow and I have a ton of homework for my stats class i'm taking. I'm just taking one day at a time and thankful for all that He has blessed me with. Have a graet evening everyone! Blessings.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Having a moment

This week is going to be a rough week! We go live with our integration next week and there is so much yet to be done and honestly i just feel drained at this moment. If i'm being honest..nothing specific triggered it, it's not a milestone date, it's just a moment where I feel weak, tired, sad, and empty. I know an hour from now i'll be fine...i know tomorrow will be better, but at this moment i'm angry...I'm angry that Mason isn't here...i'm angry that I struggle often, I'm angry that some days it just feels so hard to be here, I'm angry that my life can't go back, I'm angry. The tears keep welling...my husband knows i'm having a moment and asks if I need/want to go talk to W...but I don't. Don't get me wrong she has been a great tool in my life but right now i'm just feeling....and I know that's part of it...but i'm tired of the feeling, the good days, great days, putting it on paper, and even going back and forth through all of the motions. It's just draining and even though I'm ok writing about it because in all honestly I don't have to go to work and see any of you tomorrow, I don't have to feel like I need to explain or re explain or apologize after I have my moment and that makes it easier, because i'm exhausted just talking to those I care about and see on a daily basis...it's draining... I love my friends, family, have wonderful co workers, but I feel like i'm grasping for straws some days trying to come up with something funny to say, or even just put on a smile and keep up with the conversation at hand. Again this isn't every day just some days, some day is today...and today I just wish I could run away.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hope out of Ashes

Hope...a word until recently meant so much but as seven months ago became a word that kept me going. It was the hope that God promises that I will see my son again, the hope that he would help me through a pain I've never felt before, the hope that he would get me through the challenges that came hours, day, weeks, and still months after losing Mason. Hope a small word with a big meaning, a word that has given me peace, a word that I hold onto. It's so easy to lose hope...it's easy to dwell on the bad, the hard days, the anger, the pain, but then there's that whisper that speaks to my heart..."Have Hope"..."I will Carry You"...."Let my hand uphold you"...It's the Holy Spirit guiding me and it's God's strength, love, and HOPE, that help me get through that day, enjoy the week, laugh again, and live. Here's a link to the song I was sharing with you yesterday...that says so eloquently what my heart needs to hear. I pray that you will rest in the Hope God offers, and may His Hand of Peace hold you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

I was reading Angie's blog today and stumbed across incourage and am excited to go back and check it out. http://www.incourage.me/ I think it's a great place to check in with others and gain great advice, comfort, friends, ideas, and more.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Friendships, Grace, Grief

It's been a while since I posted and alot has happened. As I sit here tonight my heart is heavy but also thankful at the same time. I have a dear friend who I have know for almost six years...we have been through alot together and she has been my prayer warrior so many times through out the years. She has prayed for me daily and I know this because she tells me but I always know when I'm having a bad day I will hear from her via email or a phone call, because I kid you not the Holy Spirit always leads her to reach out to me. My dear friend has health problems so bad that I haven't seen her much in person over the past year because it is so painful for her to walk across a room. Three days ago she sent me a simple email...have time for coffee? I was excited to make plans with her but also weary as each time I've tried to make plans with her over the past year she has canceled or forgotten. I don't fault her as I know she has her reasons, but I've missed seeing her and sharing our lives with each other. Well today came and she didn't cancel and for an hour and a half we shared our lives and caught up a bit more than our short emails we exchange. And our time was blessed! You see even though we haven't been able to sit down and talk in person for a long time at least not more than 10 minutes when I stop over to her office for a quick hello, she knows my heart...so much so that when she listened to Selah's new CD and heard Audrey's song she cried for me and prayed that God would carry me and knew that I needed to listen to that song....so she tried to figure out a way to get the song to me at the right time...She was going to email Chad to buy it for me and give it to me...then she decided to get it for me and invite me to coffee even though just getting out of the car and walking to the coffee table caused her pain she wanted me to hear it and then when she opened her bag to give it to me she got choked up because she had forgotten the cd at home and so badly wanted me to hear the song.... And you know what the sweet thing is...I follow Angie's blog and know exactly what song it is because I listened to it on her website and cried my eyes out. I'm thankful to have a friend who can share her life with me, the good and the bad, and pray for me even when I don't ask. Today I was blessed by her heart and thankful to sit and let the tears pour as I got real with a very dear friend and it was ok. I cried with her as she shared the pain she is going through in her life and after we were done sharing we talked about God's hand in our lives and both agree that while we didn't choose these chapters we are going to let Him lead us through them. I sit here now with the tears pouring down my face because honestly for the past few weeks i've just been in go mode and the feelings turned off....I've been going and going and honestly doing good but not letting myself think too far past that to the loss I still feel deep in my heart. I'm so thankful that God knew we needed each other and without me even knowing it we both had a chance to share and be comforted by one another. She has lost dear friendships through her suffering and can totally relate to some of things I feel/say and it was refreshing to say them and not second guess what I was saying. I have more to share....our trip to Chicago, to Galena, and Noah's first day at school, but am going to stop here for now and the words aren't coming.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Blessed

I've wanted to jump on so many times during the last week and post but it's been so busy!! That being said I have a few minutes right now...because I found my second wind at 10:49 and thought I would say hi. :)

First off...thank you so much for your prayers about my new job! God has truly blessed me with this opportunity and every day I'm at my new job He continues to affirm this is where He wants me. I've enjoyed getting to know the ladies I work with as well as coworkers in different depts that I work with on a daily basis. I found out on Friday that I get to fly on our corporate jet in October to go visit one of our DCs for the day. I'm so exited!!

Aside from work, I've had a wonderful weekend with the family. We went to a state park on Sat and enjoyed our time as a family. I brought a good book, a WW cookbook, my favorite sweatshirt blanket and relaxed!!! It was really windy but the boys had a blast playing in the sand and ran off a lot of energy. Today was priceless!! We went to church this morning, dropped the boys off at my mom's for some Grandma time and Chad and I had lunch together and ran a few errands. We came home and I took a nap while he mowed the lawn then I went and picked the boys up from my moms. Noah helped me wash the explorer and he and I spent a couple of hours just chatting while I vaccummed, and cleaned the explorer from top to bottom! Chad then helped me replant some of Mason's plants we were given at his funeral. Chad was so sweet to replant them by our deck a few months ago but I'm afraid they are going to die when the frost comes, so we replanted them in pots today. Now I just need to find some plant stands... I made some delicious smoothies for Chad and I for dinner and then enjoyed a glass of wine on the deck after it got dark. The boys came out to sit with me and we had a wonderful time chatting and looking at the stars. Today has been one of those days where the little things have meant so much and truly touched my heart.

This week is going to be busy but fun!!! I work in Chicago tomorrow and Tuesday, at home part of Wednesday and then Chad and I are off to Chicago to meet up with my best friend Carm, her husband Sean, and their two kids A and C. They are moving to Europe and have a 37 hour layover in Chicago!! We are so excited to be able to spend the time with them and have a couple of fun things planned. I will so miss having my best friend state side. We've been blessed to have been able to see each other 4 times this year and it will be hard being apart for so long, but I'm so thankful for skype! Then on Sat. Chad and I are going to Galena and meeting up with his best friend and wife for the weekend and enjoy their company. So it should be a lot of fun. The boys are going to stay with one of my dear friends from work over the weekend and I know they will have a blast with her and her husband!! Well I have a few more things I'm hoping to get done before I crash! I hope everyone has a great Monday.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Your Hand Uphold Me..

What a day...a really good day. I know my posts lately seem to be starting with that and honestly 6 months ago I didn't think I would ever be able to say that again. Truly, I was in so much pain, consuming raw pain, shock, numb, terrified, and often times felt so alone. Losing Mason has been the most painful experience of my life and at the time I didn't ever think I would be able to laugh, or enjoy a day again. I know that sounds dramatic but at the time everything was so hard and getting past the hard days seemed like it would never come. My dear friends...God met me in the hospital, help my hand and has upheld me since that moment that changed my life forever. There are still so many hard days...i'm not going to lie...not a day goes by that I don't think of him and things that were easy before are now a little harder. One of those tings isgoing to church. The first two months after he died I would cry every service I went too...the tears pouring down my face. And then I stopped going every Sunday because I started having panic attacks as we would leave the house and drive towards the interstate. I've gone a handful of times that past few months but have missed my church family, and missed being fed by our Pastor's sermons. Today I went and took the boys, Chad had to work, so the boys and I left and off we went. They were so excited to go! It was on our drive in that I felt so convicted and know how important it is for the boys to be fed weekly as well. I dropped them off at their classes and headed to service and God met me and held my hand. I stood with my arms open and worshipped and it felt so good!!! There were so many songs that spoke to me and below are a few verses in particular that I wrote down so I wouldn't forget them:

His grace runs after me
I give it all to you
At the cross I bow my knee
You are my desire
Your Glory fills the highest place
Your hand upholds me
God is big enough to handle all of our doubts

I have had so many doubts.....so many doubts through this whole experience but now I have hope, peace, and His hand upholding me. It's not easy and I'm not even going to pretend to have all of the answers, but I can tell you this....I am only where I am at today because of HIM! It is because of Him that I can smile again, play with my kids, love my husband, and so much more. Because friends I could not do it...nope not at all. If it was up to me I would still be where I was six months ago...in pain...deep pain..numb...and hopeless. I am not capable of giving myself the peace that I feel, I'm not able to mend my heart, and if it was up to me I probaly wouldn't have been back at church today. But He is soverign and big enough for all of my doubts...big enough for everything I've experienced and He still loves me the same. Not only does he love me He has helped me get to a place that I never thought I'd be. I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a bad day, panic attack, angry day, and more, but when I do He will continue to be there to hold my hand and walk me through each moment. I pray that whatever circumstance you may be in that you will reach out and hold onto His hand....and let Him walk you through.

On a quick side note...I tried a new recipe tonight that I got from my Taste of Home Magazine..."Mexican Lasagna..and it's amazing!! I'll post the recipe soon. I even took a few pics to share. It's my new fav recipe. Have a blessed evening!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Weekend is here!

Good morning!!! I'm so happy the weekend is finally here. It has been one long week but God has helped me get through it and yesterday was fantastic!!! Unfortunately they are having technical difficulties getting my laptop configured...i'm the first one within our organization to accept a position at headquarters but will be remaining an employee at our location in WI until Jan because of legal technicalitites. So I was without a computer yesterday but between one of their IT managers and one of mine I think they figured out a plan:) I love my new office and my coworkers seem really nice. They are all women on my team and that makes me a little nervous because I'm used to working with a lot of men and a handful of women. There are hundreds of men that work at our office but our immediate team is 7 females...that could get interesting, but I will stay positive and hope for the best:) My manager is awesome and I'm really looking forward to working for her. The drive home was rough and I was really afraid I was going to fall asleep while driving, being up at 2am finally caught up with me. I made it home safely though and took a three hour nap. Then I couldn't go to sleep so was up until one cleaning and going through work emails from home. We don't have a whole lot planned this weekend which is great! I'm taking our dog, Ms. Zoe to the groomers in an hour to get a much needed hair cut and her nails clipped. While she is getting beautified I am planning on stopping at my favorite photo place and getting prints of a lot of pictures from my digital camera. So that's me in a nutshell this morning. The laundry is already running and I'm planning on making some banana bread and hoping for sun and some point this weekend so I can work on my new garden project.

Well I had posted a question post a few days ago and did get a few good ones from Erika and thought I would share the answers~!

1. What is your favorite dinner recipe?

A- Right now it is Spagetti Pizza Bake. It's a WW recipe that I love and it tastes amazing!

2 spray(s) olive oil cooking spray
12 oz uncooked whole-wheat pasta, spaghetti
2 large egg white(s)
1 large egg(s)
2/3 cup(s) fat-free skim milk
3/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp table salt
1 1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 cup(s) basil, fresh, chopped (plus extra leaves for garnish)
9 oz shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese, divided
32 oz bottled spaghetti sauce
2 oz pepperoni, finely julienned (about 1/2 cup)

Instructions
Preheat oven to 400ºF. Coat a 9- X 13-inch glass baking dish with cooking spray; set aside.

Break spaghetti into 2-inch pieces and cook, al dente, according to directions; drain and cool.

Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat egg whites and egg until frothy. Stir in milk, garlic powder, salt, oregano, basil and 1/3 of mozzarella; add cooked spaghetti and stir until thoroughly combined. Spread spaghetti mixture evenly in bottom of baking dish. Bake for 15 minutes; remove from oven. Reduce oven temperature to 350ºF.

Spread spaghetti sauce over pasta; sprinkle with remaining cheese. Scatter pepperoni evenly over cheese layer. Return to oven and bake until heated through and cheese is bubbly, about 30 minutes. Let stand for 5 minutes, garnish with basil and then cut into 10 servings. Yields 1 slice per serving.

It's amazing and healthy!!! Let me know if you try it, what you think.

2. What is my favorite wine?

A. I have soo many but right now my favorite is from a winery in WI called, Black Meade and it is a Blueberry wine. It's extremly smooth and amazing!

3. How did your hubby propose?

A. I love this story although some of you might find it cheesy, it's so special to me. Chad got my sister Ashley to help with this and did it in a way that I wouldn't even have suspected it. We went to Applebeese for lunch one afternoon and my sister worked at this Applebees at the time and we always requested her to be our server. This was like any other time (or so I thought)...Chad ordered a combo meal, where you get the meal, and a dessert which I thought was a little weird because he never does but he said we could share and I love getting their deserts. We ate our meal and Chad put his order in for desert. I ran to the bathroom, came back, and Ashley set Chad's desert in front of me. I wasn't paying attention to it and reminded her it was Chad's. It was then that I looked down...and in whipped icing were the words "Will you Marry ME" around the plate? I was in shocked and think I even screamed...I look up at Chad and he has the ring out and reaches across the table to ask me if I will marry him. He was so nervous he forgot to get down on one knee, but at that point I didn't even care. I thought it was so special that he had included my sister in something so exciting and did it in a way that I would never suspect. I of course said yes:) I couldn't stop looking at my hand the rest of the day and probaly looked narcistic walking around town beaming.

Well I'm off to get ready for the day. I hope everyone has a blessed day and enjoy the little things today...it's those things that really make a day special!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Excited and Can't Sleep!

Good morning! :) It's 2:47 am and I can't sleep. Today is my first day at my new job at our corporate headquarters and I'm so excited I'm wide awake. I know I will pay for it later, but that's ok. I can't begin to tell you how excited I was to have yesterday over with. This week has proven to be extremely stressful trying to transition everything to the four people who are absorbing my old job. I'm a perfectionist if the truth be known and I wanted to pass everything off in a certain way and honestly at the end of the day I think it all went pretty well. Praise the Lord!!! So today I'm up early, hoping to catch at least another hour of sleep, before I start getting ready for work and join the world of commuters:) Everyone keeps asking me if I'm looking forward to the 80 minute drive, but at this point it doesn't bother me, because I feel so strongly that this is where God wants me right now. I truly believe in my heart that He has opened all of these doors for us and I know He will work everything out the way it is supposed to be. Chad's on call early this morning and then took the rest of the day off to hang out with the boys at home which will be great for them!!!

Well if you think about it please pray for me today that my first day will go well and I won't hit to much construction on the way into the Chicago. Can't wait to update you on my first day:)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Exhausted

This week has been exhausting both emotionally and mentally. It's my last week in my current job and I've been bombarded with requests before I transition to my new job on Friday. I know I put alot of the pressure on myself, but there just hasn't been enough hours in the day and I'm so tired by the time I get home that I just don't want to sit back down at the computer and work. I'm hoping to get at least a couple of hours in after the boys go to bed, but we'll see. On a positive note, i'm really excited about Friday and starting my new job!!! God has truly blessed me with this opportunity and I can't wait to see what doors continue to open. Tomorrow my girlfriend is supposed to come over and share a bottle of wine with me on our deck which should be relaxing! I haven't cooked in over a week and I know I need to get it in gear, but again lacking energy. Luckily Chad is amazing and hasn't complained! I've made a mental note to make my famous brownies this weekend as a thank you to him for all of his support! I've been a bear to live with this week. :)

I'm been trying to think of ways to become more engaged with my readers and thought I would open comments from now until Friday night for any questions you might have for me. I'm a pretty open book and would love to answer any questions you might have. So please leave any questions you have and I will answer them on Saturday.

We have NO plans this weekend and for that I'm truly thankful! I'm thinking of making it a pajama weekend!!! We haven't had one in a very long time and I think now might be a great opportunity for one.

If there is anything I can pray about for you specifically please fell free to email me or leave a comment. I would be honored to pray for you.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Wine tour weekend and more






This weekend was amazing and bittersweet. First of all it was the first weekend in a long time that I didn't work AT ALL and it was fantastic!!!! I think I forgot what a weekend was really supposed to be like and this past one truly blessed me. My girlfriend, Jill, from work and I have been planning on a Wine Tour 2009 and this weekend was the start of it. There are currently 35 wineries registered in the state of Wisconsin and we have made it our goal to visit each of them within the next year. Saturday was our first day and boy was it an adventure! We started at Mocha Moments my favorite coffee shop and enjoyed an amazing cup of coffee and the best sugar free blueberry muffins ever!!! We then went to five wineries; AppleBarn, Slatter Winery, Appeltreow, Mason Creek Winery, and Northleaf Winery. Each winery had wonderful wine and the people who owned them had a lot of neat information to share. Northleaf is my favorite and I frequent there often, so much so that when we stopped in the owner told me that they were out of my favorite wine. :) I had never been to the other wineries and was excited to learn about each of them. I fell in love with many of the wines at the first winery and Jill helped me remain practical and told me she was going to buy one bottle per winery, Chad was so excited when I got home and told him I had only purchased 4 bottles. :) The girl at Apple Barn told us about Slatter Winery which wasn't on our map and I'm so glad she did. The couple who own it started it as a hobby and because it was an expensive hobby they decided to open their own winery and grow their grapes here in Wisconsin. In my opinion they had the most variety and I could have easily bought almost every wine, luckily they aren't too far away and I'll be sure to visit them again. Now let me tell you about Appeltreow and Charles!! Appeltreow carries wine that is made from apples and pears and the owner Charles was so knowledgable but also corky. He reminded me of the guy from Honey I shrunk the kids and was so hilarious! When we got on the subject of apples and I was trying to tell him my favorite apple and couldn't spit it out he says, "you like Honey Crisp apples don't you" which are my favorite and then he proceeds to tell me that "I loathe Honey Crisp"...it was right then and there that I almost toppled over laughing. He gave Jill and I a very informative lesson on apples and the many different kinds of apples. Alas we were sad to go but enjoyed the amazing cheeses and wines he had to share. We then drove to Mason Creek Winery and as we started sampling the wine the hostess asked if one of our names was Mimi...and I was stunned and said yes that's me. Sure enough Charles had called ahead and let her know that he forgot to give my my check card back. Yep I almost stopped breathing!!! Luckily we were only 40 minutes away. So we stayed at Mason Creek no more than ten minutes tried all of the wine, purchased our bottle and back to Appeltreow we headed. I forgot to share our lunch story with you....so we were starving after Appeltreow and I used my GPS to find out what restaurants were near by and we decided to go to a place called Rock and Robin Bar and Grill. We pulled up and the name had been changed to "It's All About Us"...so we went in had a seat and ordered out food. The best part was that on one of the walls was a picture of two ladies, one with blonde hair, one with brown and they were toasting a glass of wine!!! What a perfect place to have lunch. We of course had to ask for a picture and made a spectal of ourselves but it was well worth it.
All in All Jill and I had a blast and couldn't stop laughing on many occasions. My GPS, Victoria, got us a little lost in the town of Burlington and we were cracking up as we were trying to find our way back to society...note to self never get lost in Burlington! We made it home by 5:00 with smiles on our faces and a bag full of snacks that I had packed/overpacked. Yes, I'm a mom and packed like we were going away for a weekend.

Sunday I got up early because Noah decided to call 911 and give me the phone after he was done talking to MS Trisha...yep that's right. It was 7:12 am and I hung up the phone because I'm so not coherent when awoken out of a dead sleep, only to have the number call me back and tell me they were the 911 dispatcher and wanted to make sure everything was ok. No sooner did I hang up the phone then my doorbell rang and there was an officer there making sure we were alright. I was so embarrassed and realize Noah didn't realize what pressing the star button on my phone would do, but he now knows not to call the police anymore. I decided to go for a run and it was great! Chad and I had a date lunch and then headed over to Home Depot to look around and talk about my ideas for the "Boys' Garden" and other corner in our back yard that I am going to redo. Did I mention I don't have a green thumb and have never had any interest in doing any type of landscaping until recently? Well now i'm interested and can't get the ideas out of my head. Chad is being great and pacifying me by listening and looking at ideas with me. Lucky for him most of the planting in the back won't take place until next spring but I still have a lot of clean up to do to prepare. Sunday afternoon we went up north to see baby Connor. My girlfriend Michelle and Craig had baby Connor on Friday. She is my dear friend who shared her pregnancy with me right after I found out I was pregnant with Mason and right away we made so many plans for our maternity leave together. Their son is beautiful and I enjoyed spending a couple of hours at the hospital with them and holding him. He's absolutely precious and adorable! I can't wait to love on him as they have loved on our children all these years. They are Noah's godparents but love Kylan just the same. Kylan has a special bond with "Uncle Craig" and it is so special to watch. I enjoyed talking with Michelle and listening to how she was doing. We came home, put the boys to bed and watched the new Fast and the Furious movie, which I loved!!! It wasn't until we headed to bed that the tears came...and didn't stop. It was then that I finally let it out. How I miss Mason so much....so much and long for nothing more than to just hold him if even for one more second. Words can't describe the ache that never goes away and the heaviness my arms often feel. I so wish I had him here now to hold, to love, to take care of. These past weeks have been great and God is truly keeping His Healing hand on me, but my dear friends the ache is still there, the mom in me still and will always miss my son. This weekend just reminded me how much. I'm so thankful for Connor and glad that Michelle and Craig have been blessed with a beautiful baby boy. I'm so excited for them and the new journey of parenthood that they are now experiencing, as they will be great parents!!! I want to support them and love them as they have loved us through our journey as parents, but I also grieve for the months I won't have with my baby, home with Michelle, hanging out and making special memories. I ache for the moments I will never have. I ache to hear my baby's cry. The tears stream down my face as I think of him and how precious he is to me. I remember holding his tiny frail body and wishing I could breathe life back into him. I can't and honestly it sucks...it really sucks. Michelle and I have had some wonderful conversations and she asked if I still struggle with Why and honestly there are days when I do...days when I ask Why...Why me, Why him, Why now? I don't believe I will ever know those answers this side of eternity and I try so hard to Rest in Him and friends I tell you that it is only by His Grace that I do have peace and have been able to breathe, laugh, and enjoy life again, but that doesn't mean there aren't hard days. IT's just that now the hard days don't consume me the way they did before.

I pray you have a blessed week. My below post for McLinky shares one of my favorite Bible Verses. It has brought me much comfort and peace and is where I choose to rest my life and the lives of my family. He knows the plans HE has for us and I choose to give him my life and let Him mold it into something beautiful. IF I were to try I would end up with a broken pot, but know He can makes something beautiful out of my brokeness.
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

MckLinky Blog Hop

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

It's Official

Well this weekend was awesome!!! Yes awesome! It was extremely productive with work, a lot of weed pulling...(Did I mention I normally don't do yard work at all...) and amazing time with the boys. I had so much fun with noah and ky..we played on the trampoline..hung out on the deck and chatted and just over all had a wonderful weekend! I couldn't sleep Saturday so I got up at 3:30 am and worked on some paperwork for a bit and then headed over to Walmart at 4:15 to pick up a pair of gardening gloves and then to my grocery store that I love, because it is open 24 hours a day and bought leaf bags and lawn bags...and then spent from 5am-8am pulling weeds and putting Chad's grass clipping mound into 10 leaf bags. Yep..I was anxiously waiting for my offer on Monday and needed to stay busy. So in the mean time I worked hard on our backyard and was done by 8:00 Sunday morning. Chad was a little (alot) concerned because I have NEVER touched anything having to do with our yard...I kill all plants. Monday morning came and I had a conference call with the manager I interviewed with and other individuals from corporate regarding the integration I'm working on and then three hours later....I received the call i've been waiting for and was officially offered the position at our headquarters!!!! God is so good. I'm humbled beyond words at the opportunity he has put in my path and can't tell you how evident His hand has been in this whole process!!!!! Not to sound cliche but it has been a complete "God Thing" from start to finish and i'm so excited to see what he has in store for us next. I have a two week transition period and will be going down there on Thursday for training and to pick up my very own laptop...yeah! And then starting the 10th will work 2 days a week here and commute the other 3. I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly blessed I feel and how excited I am for this opportunity. I give all the glory to God and know it is because of Him that this opportunity presented itself. I asked for His blessings and He has BLESSED us!!! I'm in awe of all He is continuing to teach me, but friends I can tell you this, that even at my lows when I question Him...he turns around and answers my prayers and remains to be Constant...even when I wander He is the same, today, and tomorrow!!! I will still struggle, but also grow and it is my prayer that I will continue to TRUST Him and let my story be used for His Glory!! So I thank you for all of your prayers and can't wait to fill you in on this exciting journey. Know that I am praying for all of you even if I don't know each of your names. I feel blessed to have "stumbled" across blogspot almost a year ago, created my blog, and have been blessed by so many of you whose blogs I read and whose stories have touched my life.

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Rainy Friday

This week has flown by!!! I'm thankful it is Friday and am looking forward to seeing my sister tonight! She's been gone for a week out east to meet her boyfriend's family and I'm picking them up at the airport tonight. We usually talk at least once a day even if it is for a couple of minutes and it's been weird not being able to this last week. Work has been rough only because I have so many projects to get completed and Monday should be the day I receive the "official" offer for my new job. As I said before I know God has a plan and I do have a peace about this new step but I'm also nervous about the decisions that will need to be made after everything is finalized...do we move...how far away...get a new car for me (Chad and I drive together to work)..childcare depending on how far we move, selling our home (which I love). So many decisions but I know it will all work out. The planner in me wants to have it all laid out in a neat timeline but I know we just need to take one thing at a time. Chad still works for our company in town so we don't want to move to far away because that would defeat the purpose but even if we could move 30 minutes south that would be great for my commute!! So if you could continue to pray for us as week seek God's direction I would greatly appreciate it.

It's great to be home tonight! I've been working late the past two nights and decided to work from home tonight so that I can spend some time with the boys before logging back in and going to the airport. They made me this beautiful stepping stone for Mother's Day and gave it to me today..I'll have to take a picture and post...it's so adorable! So a couple of weeks ago I started Thankful Thursday and then totally forgot about it...lol.. But here are a few things I'm thankful for this week:

* My best friend Carmen
* Clean water
* Baked Lays
* Music
* My boys' laughter

I hope everyone has a great weekend!! Please email or message me with any prayer requests. Prayer is so powerful and it is truly something I feel called to do for others. God BlesS!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Trusting Him

It's been a few days since I've posted and as always I have so much to share/talk about. I'm not even sure where to begin... Friday (july 17th) was my due date and for the past few months I have been looking to that day with much anticipation...it's another date that has alot of meaning and emotion attached to it. I decided to take the day off and the following Monday as well. My best friend Carmen and her two kids flew up from San Antonio to be with me and we had a wonderful time with all of our kids and each other. Carm has been my best friend since we were 15 and has been there for me through everything. She flew up right after I had Mason and has been there for the many phone calls and tears along the way. Having her here this weekend was a blessing. She flew in Thurs evening and we got the kids all settled in. Friday morning I woke up and took Chad to work and then headed over to visit Mason. I miss him so much and my time at his gravesite was bittersweet. Carm and I spent the next few days playing with our children who got along great! We went to the zoo, a park, and for the most part just played outside at our home and spent every evening on the deck talking over a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed. She and the kids flew back to TX last night. Her husband is currently overseas and they are getting ready to move to Europe for three years next month. Luckily they have a long layover in Chicago so I will get to see her and the fam one last time before they make their big move.

Tonight I'm wide awake and can't sleep..should be and wish I could but can't. You see my company has been working with our parent company for the past 6 months on integrating under one umbrella and I was approached a couple of weeks ago about a job at our corporate headquarters in Chicago. I've gone through three interviews and they
all went very well. My to be manager is in Ireland this week but I'm supposed to hear back from her this coming Monday. I'm patiently waiting but am struggling on waiting! Patience has never been my strong point but I know God is teaching me to trust and wait on Him and this is the perfect example/opportunity to do just that. I keep hearing the song in my head..."While I'm waiting I will serve you..." I know He has an amazing plan for our family and I'm excited to see it revealed but am also a little nervous at all of the change this opportunity will bring to our family. So please be praying for us as we wait to see what God has in store. I truly feel after much prayer that this is where he wants me right now and am trusting that the details will all fall into place.

Lastly I watched the movie Fireproof with Carm while she was here and Wow!! It was really amazing...had so many good points and truly humbled me. I'm so excited to watch it with Chad as I think any marriage can gain wisdom from watching it. We are blessed to have a wonderful marriage and I'm so thankful to have a husband who is so supportive. I recommend this movie to everyone and can't wait to watch it again.

Well I'm finally starting to get tired but wanted to write a bit and let my thoughts out. I can't believe tomorrow is Thursday...today was my Monday so I'm all mixed up.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Blog Hop

***Three things you don't know about me are : I'm a military brat, the oldest of 6 kids, and I lived in Alaska for several years and loved it!!!!***p>MckLinky Blog Hop

Monday, July 13, 2009

I'll Stand With my Arms Wide Open

Yesterday was an amazing day! So much so that I'm wide awake at 2:30 in the morning and felt lead to write it all down so I don't forget. It was a typical morning. I was up early, did a few loads of laundry and started to get the boys ready for church. We left earlier than we normally do and actually made it to church with extra time to spare. (that usually never happens..:). The worship was truly amazing and while I usually like every song we sing there was this verse in a song that God used to speak to me. "I'll stand with my arms wide open, All I have is yours" How precious that sentence has become to me within the last 24 hours. As I sang and lifted my hands I thought about all that sentence really meant. As I've shared in earlier posts prior to having Mason I did my best to control everything. I wanted to make sure my life was in "as much" order as possible and boy did I work hard to make sure I was doing a good job at it. I was so wrong and honestly quite exhausted taking on that task. God has taught me to let go and LET HIM. I'm not perfect and there are many days when it would be so easy to jump in and try and take back that false sense of control to make myself feel better, but as the verse stated this morning I choose to stand with my arms open and let all I have be His; my marriage, my life, my childrens' lives, my job, my finances, my words, and everything in between. While I was standing there singing out to him the tears were starting to come to the surface when I thought about giving Him my children's lives...all of them, Noah, Ky, and our precious Mason. Their lives aren't something I'm given to control, they are His and while I am put on this earth to parent them to the best of my ability and oh how I pray that will grow up to be Godly men I also know that He is watching over them and has an amazing plan for each of them. Mason's plan was much different that what "I planned"...I planned to have him and enjoy all of my days on this earth as his mom and while I will still celebrate being his mom, I don't have him here to watch grow like I do my other two boys. God had a different plan. I believe with all of my heart that God didn't plan for Mason to die and He has cried with me since day one, but God has embraced Mason into his dwelling place and my little man is experiencing life in a whole new way. He will have so much to teach me when I get to heaven and I while I selfishly pray that nothing happens to Noah or Ky I relinquish my false sense of control and Let God watch over them in a way I can't. I don't know if any of this makes sense on paper but my heart feels a peace it hasn't in a very long time and i'm so relieved to learn to let go of "something" that I never really had control of to begin with. I've learned today just how exhausting that task was and their has been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. All day and even this morning I keep singing "All I have is yours". And I have a huge smile on my face while doing so and that my friends feels so good!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Thankful Thursday

I have had a lot of time to reflect the last few months since Mason went home to be with Jesus. There have been many moments where I cry out because I just want to hold him for one more moment, I weep every time I go to visit him at the cemetary, and I now amd more thankful for the simple things that I used to take for granted. I also appreciate the things I've always been thankful for even more. That being said I came up with the idea of Thankful Thursday. I think it is so easy to get caught up in what we don't have or what makes us upset, and I'm not exempt from these feelings. I'd like to use Thankful Thursday as a way to express what I'm thankful for every week. I'm going to start listing 5 things that I'm thankful for and would love to hear from you what you are thankful for. It could be anything, but hope in doing this fun exercise it will remind us of just how blessed we are. So here's to Thankful Thursday and below is what I'm thankful for this week:

1. Being able to carry Mason for 5 months
2. Coffee
3. The ability to run and let my emotions out.
4. Talking to God whenever I want to.
5. My childrens' smiles

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Almost!...

Well I think I almost figured out McKlinky...lol... I'm off to work but am looking forward to hopping around tonight. I've also come up with the idea of Thankful Thursday and will be posting about that later.

Thanks!

***Replace this line with your content. This week, on TUESDAY, 7/7/09, the theme is A FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH. Post up one of your favorite photographs and a caption that tells the audience about it. Here is a sample: http://mcklinky.blogspot.com/2009/07/mcklinky-photo-blog-on-tuesday-sample.html Do not change any part of this snippet of code except for this paragraph only.... replace the text that falls between (and includes) the opening and closing asterisks. Be sure to enter your own link to your own blog hop post as soon as the blog hop starts!***

MckLinky Blog Hop

Trying Mclinky again..lol

Monday, July 6, 2009

Monday came to quickly!






Chad and I both woke up this morning wondering why we didn't take the day off...?!!! We had a wonderful long weekend, but it was so full of fun times we didn't do a lot of relaxing..:) Yesterday we went to my mom's for a 4th of July party with my siblings. It was so much fun! MY sisters' roomates from college were in town and came with her and we had some great laughs! I had a long day at work, after being out with the flu last week, but I'm so thankful for my job so I can't complain. I came home to a clean house. My husband blesses me each day with all that he does for our family!! Here are a few pictures from our wonderful week. Enjoy!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happy 4th!

I hope everyone had a great 4th! Our was alot of fun. We have been looking at patio furniture for two years and I finally found the set I liked so we picked it up yesterday morning at 7:45...yes Home Depot is open at 6am! I love it:) My husband didn't but it was like Christmas and I was so excited I couldn't wait. We were supposed to take the boys boating with Noah's godparents but the forecast said it was going to rain all day so we ended up going to their place for lunch and hang out which was very relaxing! We made it home just in time for naps and then went over to my mom's to help her put up shelves and pictures in her new place. She's have a party at her place today to celebrate the 4th since all of my sisters were able to get today off and it should be a lot of fun!!! I'll make sure to post new pics afterwards.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Try try again.. :)

Powered by MckLinky

Click here to enter your link and view the entire list of entered links...

Mclinky...

Mclinky...

I'm trying to figure out to link to Mclinky...here goes my second try at it..:)

***Replace this line with your content. This week, 7/7/09, the theme is A FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH. Post up one of your favorite photographs and a caption that tells the audience about it. Do not change any part of this snippet of code except for this paragraph only.... replace the text that falls between (and includes) the opening and closing asterisks. Be sure to enter your own link to your own blog hop post as soon as the blog hop starts!***

MckLinky Blog Hop

Click here to enter your link in the blog hop and view the entire list of entered links...

My son Kylan...

*** ***


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Bittersweet












I had been anticipating this past weekend with alot of anxiety. Our dear friends Michelle and Craig had their couples baby shower on Sat. We are so excited for them as they are expecting their first baby boy in Aug. Michelle and I shared with each that we were expecting before we told our families. (Our husband knew of course)... We met for coffee and she told me she was expecting...Chad and I knew we were expecting but were waiting for Christmas to tell anyone...well I then ordered decaf coffee which let it slip out of the bag to Mich. We had a wonderful coffee date and were so excited to be expecting at the same time and be on maternity leave together!!! The planning began, and we really enjoyed several months of comparing cravings, going to movies, and making plans for the summer. Well that all changed when Mason died and I've had a hard time being around her. I'm so excited for them...I really am, but every time I see her I think of Mason...I think I where I should be at in my pregnancy and how close I should be to holding a healthy Mason in my arms. So that all being said I was very anxious for her shower but it was so important for us to go and support her. Well to top things off I had made an appt for Chad and I to go to the cemetary and look at designs for Mason's headstone...the morning of Michelle's shower. I didn't realize I had booked this until I flipped my calendar over last monday... Ugh. But I didn't want to cancel because I've so desperately wanted to pick out a stone for Mason so that it will be there and his plot won't be empty any longer. I've just had such a hard time deciding and thought if Chad and I went together to see more options it would make the decision process easier. Well we went and I left more frustrated then I was before. I had copies made of the choices I liked but still couldn't make a decision. We went and visited Mason and then my mom was wonderful and kept the boys for a couple of hours longer so Chad and I could have some breathing time before we had to get ready for the shower.

The shower was beautiful! God truly gave me a peace and helped me keep it together. We saw a lot of good friends and enjoyed watching Michelle and Craig open their gifts and talk about Conner's arrival.

Sunday I took the boys and we went home (to chicago) to my aunt and uncle's for the day. I spent almost every weekend there when I first moved to Wisconsin and consider their home my home. My cousin graduated from high school and they had his grad party. It was so wonderful! We went early and the boys and I played in their pool. My aunt rented a bouncy house for the kids and they loved it!!! It had been too long since I've been home and I really enjoyed catching up with everyone. My aunt was so sweet and had a bag to send home with me, which had my favorite gourmet coffee, Harry and David Jam, Pasta, and a few boxes of different mixes that look so yummy. I need to go back soon and spend more time with them.
Then yesterday came and I got the flu...not fun at all!! My mom and sis had it for over a week and i'm pretty sure I got it from my sis on Sun. I was hoping it was just a 24 hour bug and would go away quickly but I woke up today feeling even worse then I did yesterday. Work is so busy right now and I'm hating not being there because there is so much going on for me to be out a couple of days.... I know I need to let myself get better but I don't like being sick, or stuck at home without energy to do anything. To me it's just a waste of a day. If I am going to be home I'd much rather be working on cleaning projects or something productive instead of just being in bed. Oh well.

I'm hoping to feel better quickly because I was looking forward to having a three day weekend this weekend for the 4th!!! I'm planning on making a Trader Joe's run to pick up a few things on Friday and then enjoy the weekend with the fam. Sun we are going to my mom's for a cookout which will be a blast. I'm hoping to do something fun with the boys but don't know what yet and it all depends on how i'm feeling. I hope the boys don't get this. Poor Chad slept on the couch last night and was so sweet about making sure I'm staying hydrated...food doesn't even sound appealing right now... Well I don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer but that's what's going on in my neck of the woods. I will leave you some pics of the boys... they are getting so big!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Great Day

Today was a great day! Nothing amazing happened...I got up early went in to work for a couple of hours, went back home to pick up the boys and Chad and drop the boys of at my in laws, ran back to the office, then headed to our corporate office in Chicago for meetings. I drove for four hours total today but really enjoyed the quiet time. I had to work until 6:00 which was pretty early for the new "norm" around here but headed home and made some fantastic turkey wraps. The boys played in their pool, Chad mowed the lawn, and then the boys had a blast in the tub while I was switching loads of laundry. I just felt myself smiling a lot today....and it felt really good. I enjoyed listening to the boys laugh, giving my hubby a glass of lemonade after he mowed the lawn and just being home. It was a great day!!! Tomorrow I get my hair cut and am so excited about that. I have a lot to share about Father's day but will save that for when I have more energy as i'm pretty tired right now.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

One step forward two steps back

This week has been a hard week...it really has. As I mentioned in a past post one of my friends and I have drifted apart after Mason died and this week she contacted me and I had a very hard conversation with her. Ever since Mason died, every message, voicemail, text, and email, A has sent me has had some kind of comment stating, " I hope you are recovering quickly", I hope you get back to normal quickly, I hope things get normal again fast, I hope you are back to your old self soon. All of these comments have frustrated me and really upset me. In my opinion my life has forever changed and I will not be the same Mimi that I was before Mason died. When I tried to explain to her that my "normal" has changed her response was, " Well my mom's friend is proof that your life will get back to normal". It's almost like she has been arguing with me or pushing me to be the old me and hasn't listened when I've shared with her just how much those comments bother me. That being said I just stopped responding because even though her friendship has meant alot to me over the years, there is so much going on right now that I just don't have the energy to keep addressing it with her. Well....she didn't like the fact that I didn't respond to her last email which stated, " I have my own opinion on how one should handle things" and of course " I hope you are recovering and getting back to normal quickly so you can find joy in life again"..... So she called me and then sent me a text asking if I was going to ever answer her and why am I not talking to her. Ok let me just say that I do text my siblings and friends, but it's quick comments like have a good day or what time are you coming over. I'm not twelve and I don't believe in communicating via text when there is a problem or issue. I don't like confrontation any more than the next person but I am also a believer of talking to one another in love and trying to work through things and not just keep the big elephant in the room.
So....Monday afternoon I called her and just lost it. I asked her what she meant when she said she had her own opinion on how one should handle things, because if she was speaking to how I am handling the death of my son she has no place to speak nor does she understand what i'm going through and in my opinion has no basis for how she thinks one should handle that....and of course that is what she was talking about. She told me that one has to want to get better and it's a choice to do what you need to do to get back to normal again...And that is where I stopped her and lost it. I told her that I was sick of hearing her constantly push getting back to "normal" on me, I didn't just fall off a bike and am trying to get back up. My son died....he is gone... MY normal right now is aching to hold him for just one more day, my normal right now is looking at the calendar knowing my due date is right around the corner, my normal is grieving the plans I had for the summer that no longer exist, my normal is going over catalogs to pick out his gravestone. I am not saying that I haven't had good days, that I am not enjoying my life, that I am not finding joy in experiences, but what I'm saying is that the person I was before is no more. The death of my son has forever changed my life. While I am taking one day at a time and alot of time an hour at a time I know at some point I will be more comfortable with my "adjusted normal", but right now i'm still trying to figure out what that is. So that was my Monday and it wasn't good. I then came home and Chad and I had a long talk and he is struggling with where I am at. He is struggling in that it pains him to see me have a good day, then have a day where I'm bawling, or cranky, or angry, or a little bit of everything, and he doesn't know how to fix it. And that pains me but unfortunately I can't tell him just give me another month and I'll be good to go. That is hard for me because i've always been one to try and control my emotions and turn them on and off when it is "appropriate". Mason's death has taught me that I can be vulnerable for a long period of time and it's ok. So Tuesday I had an appointment with Wendy (my counselor) and it was a hard session but good. She affirmed how i'm feeling and said that while she completely understands what Chad is saying I would only hurt myself if I turned my emotions off right now and just stopped dealing with them and I agree. Chad has been so incredibly supportive....I just wish it wasn't so hard explaining how I feel....he listens but I know he doesn't understand becase his grieving process has been so different and I think it is for men. Well the week just went downhill from there and i'm exhausted emotionally and physically.

Luckily today is going to be a special day and i'm looking forward to it. My sister Ash, just graduated from college and part of her present is a morning at the spa. She's coming over at 9:00 and we are going to our favorite coffee shop for breakfast then heading to the spa for a massage followed by a pedicure. I'm looking forward to relaxing and having time with her. She is so special to me and i'm so blessed to have her as my sister. I'm so thankful for my large family. Ash and I have grown so close over the years and i'm really enjoying being great friends and not just sisters anymore..if that makes sense.

The rest of the day will be busy, cleaning, grocery shopping, and unfortunately back to work for a few hours. I'm traveling to Corporate on Monday and have a lot to do before I leave early Monday morning. We are going out of town tomorrow for Father's Day so I need to get everything done today.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and father's day! God Bless.