What a day...a really good day. I know my posts lately seem to be starting with that and honestly 6 months ago I didn't think I would ever be able to say that again. Truly, I was in so much pain, consuming raw pain, shock, numb, terrified, and often times felt so alone. Losing Mason has been the most painful experience of my life and at the time I didn't ever think I would be able to laugh, or enjoy a day again. I know that sounds dramatic but at the time everything was so hard and getting past the hard days seemed like it would never come. My dear friends...God met me in the hospital, help my hand and has upheld me since that moment that changed my life forever. There are still so many hard days...i'm not going to lie...not a day goes by that I don't think of him and things that were easy before are now a little harder. One of those tings isgoing to church. The first two months after he died I would cry every service I went too...the tears pouring down my face. And then I stopped going every Sunday because I started having panic attacks as we would leave the house and drive towards the interstate. I've gone a handful of times that past few months but have missed my church family, and missed being fed by our Pastor's sermons. Today I went and took the boys, Chad had to work, so the boys and I left and off we went. They were so excited to go! It was on our drive in that I felt so convicted and know how important it is for the boys to be fed weekly as well. I dropped them off at their classes and headed to service and God met me and held my hand. I stood with my arms open and worshipped and it felt so good!!! There were so many songs that spoke to me and below are a few verses in particular that I wrote down so I wouldn't forget them:
His grace runs after me
I give it all to you
At the cross I bow my knee
You are my desire
Your Glory fills the highest place
Your hand upholds me
God is big enough to handle all of our doubts
I have had so many doubts.....so many doubts through this whole experience but now I have hope, peace, and His hand upholding me. It's not easy and I'm not even going to pretend to have all of the answers, but I can tell you this....I am only where I am at today because of HIM! It is because of Him that I can smile again, play with my kids, love my husband, and so much more. Because friends I could not do it...nope not at all. If it was up to me I would still be where I was six months ago...in pain...deep pain..numb...and hopeless. I am not capable of giving myself the peace that I feel, I'm not able to mend my heart, and if it was up to me I probaly wouldn't have been back at church today. But He is soverign and big enough for all of my doubts...big enough for everything I've experienced and He still loves me the same. Not only does he love me He has helped me get to a place that I never thought I'd be. I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a bad day, panic attack, angry day, and more, but when I do He will continue to be there to hold my hand and walk me through each moment. I pray that whatever circumstance you may be in that you will reach out and hold onto His hand....and let Him walk you through.
On a quick side note...I tried a new recipe tonight that I got from my Taste of Home Magazine..."Mexican Lasagna..and it's amazing!! I'll post the recipe soon. I even took a few pics to share. It's my new fav recipe. Have a blessed evening!