" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Monday, July 13, 2009

I'll Stand With my Arms Wide Open

Yesterday was an amazing day! So much so that I'm wide awake at 2:30 in the morning and felt lead to write it all down so I don't forget. It was a typical morning. I was up early, did a few loads of laundry and started to get the boys ready for church. We left earlier than we normally do and actually made it to church with extra time to spare. (that usually never happens..:). The worship was truly amazing and while I usually like every song we sing there was this verse in a song that God used to speak to me. "I'll stand with my arms wide open, All I have is yours" How precious that sentence has become to me within the last 24 hours. As I sang and lifted my hands I thought about all that sentence really meant. As I've shared in earlier posts prior to having Mason I did my best to control everything. I wanted to make sure my life was in "as much" order as possible and boy did I work hard to make sure I was doing a good job at it. I was so wrong and honestly quite exhausted taking on that task. God has taught me to let go and LET HIM. I'm not perfect and there are many days when it would be so easy to jump in and try and take back that false sense of control to make myself feel better, but as the verse stated this morning I choose to stand with my arms open and let all I have be His; my marriage, my life, my childrens' lives, my job, my finances, my words, and everything in between. While I was standing there singing out to him the tears were starting to come to the surface when I thought about giving Him my children's lives...all of them, Noah, Ky, and our precious Mason. Their lives aren't something I'm given to control, they are His and while I am put on this earth to parent them to the best of my ability and oh how I pray that will grow up to be Godly men I also know that He is watching over them and has an amazing plan for each of them. Mason's plan was much different that what "I planned"...I planned to have him and enjoy all of my days on this earth as his mom and while I will still celebrate being his mom, I don't have him here to watch grow like I do my other two boys. God had a different plan. I believe with all of my heart that God didn't plan for Mason to die and He has cried with me since day one, but God has embraced Mason into his dwelling place and my little man is experiencing life in a whole new way. He will have so much to teach me when I get to heaven and I while I selfishly pray that nothing happens to Noah or Ky I relinquish my false sense of control and Let God watch over them in a way I can't. I don't know if any of this makes sense on paper but my heart feels a peace it hasn't in a very long time and i'm so relieved to learn to let go of "something" that I never really had control of to begin with. I've learned today just how exhausting that task was and their has been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. All day and even this morning I keep singing "All I have is yours". And I have a huge smile on my face while doing so and that my friends feels so good!