19 weeks, a hospital stay, and waiting

This week has been a rough one. A week ago Thursday I started to experience pressure in my uterus and wasn't too concerned until Sunday evening when my head wasn't feeling all to great and checked my temp and it was at 101. I called my OB who happened to be on call and figured out what to do in the event something happened before my appt with her the next morning.  After a couple of labs and an ultrasound she sent me home with some antibiotics. Over the next three da ys I went back to the hospital each day for labs and a second appt. Thursday morning my low grade temp hadn't broken and the pain hadn't gotten worse or better.  My OB made the decision to admit me, give me an iv, check heart tones every 6 hours, do four blood cultures, and take 40ML of blood in the afternoon after I had 10ML drawn that morning.  Our game plan, get my fever down for 24 hours, monitor the baby, wait for the tests to come back, reach out to a high risk OB clinic north of us, and wait until this Tuesday for all the results to come in.  By Thursday evening I was weak from all of the blood they had drawn and all that had been thrown at us to review and pray over. Thursday evening the nurse came in to check the baby's heartbeat and after ten minutes was unable to find it. She called the lead nurse in and after ten minutes they called my OB to come in and ordered an ultra sound. As the second nurse was attempting to find the heartbeat and couldn't I lost it...and when they left to call my OB I sobbed. I'm so thankful Chad was still there with me, as originally he was going to pick up the boys and take them home after I took my 6:00 shot. The five minutes it took my OB to come seemed like an eternity but once they put the Doppler on my stomach baby bean showed up and they found the heartbeat quickly. And I continued to cry with now joy filled tears. All I could think about when they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat was that I was going to have to deliver before the baby would make it and the rush of memories from losing Mason came rushing back. So after additional conversations with my OB, she left for the evening, and Chad and I spent a few minutes talking about the next few days and he left to get the boys. 

And now I jump ahead to today. I was released to come home Friday afternoon since my fever broke and there isn't anything else they can do to treat me until they know what type of uterine infection I have. The results should be back from CA Tuesday am and the high risk OB unit is on call and ready for me to be transferred there pending how things come back. While my OB, Chad, and I have talked about the numerous decisions that may come up in the next few days I am desperately trying to keep my mind busy....which is really hard to do when you are spending most of your time in bed. That being said Chad has been so patient and spent time then he would probably care to watching every episode of Say Yes to the Dress on DVR. And on the flip side the boys have all joined us in our room to watch ever episode of Shipping Wars, Storage Wars, Cajun Police, Duck Dynasty, and a handful of other shows that on any other given day I would pass up. But they have been a welcome diversion. And so now I continue to wait and unfortunately the uterine pain hasn't changed...better or worse. My fever spiked again Friday evening and hasn't gone back down yet. Ugh.

As of right now the baby looks healthy but the doctors are concerned that depending on what type of infection I have that the baby will/has been affected and there are risks associated with that. So while I am trying to be optimistic I'm struggling at the moment with all of the information that I have been reading and going over the last few days. I think what is frustrating the most is that we don't have the answers we need to move forward with plan B, C, or other. But I know while we don't have the answers HE does and HE is present in all that is going on right now. I wish I could say I felt His peace right now but I'm not, and continue to pray that HE will calm my heart, nerves, and that I will rest in His arms.  My head knows that is what I need to do, but my heart is struggling at the moment. I feel my walls shooting up, pulling back from my friends, and not wanting them to see me vulnerable. Them and my family minus Chad. It's just something that I'm not comfortable with. And right now I feel like I can't stop the tears throughout the day....I just pray Tuesday will come here quickly and that the infection will heal and that the baby will be ok.

Thankful that I can come here and ramble all of my thoughts. It helps...