It's been another long week, but this weekend was actually really good. I had another session with W on Thursday and it was my first one since Mason died that I didn't need a kleenex. She says that as an outsider looking in, she can tell i'm processing things and moving through the grief process, and this weekend I had to agree with her. My heart is still aching, but I'm also leaning on God in a way I never have before. He is giving me strength hour by hour and this weekend was actually a good one. I had a wonderful time with our boys and my hubby. We took Noah and Ky and bought Noah a new bike and helmets for both boys. We took them to lunch and then after their naps went on a walk with them while they road their bikes. It was a lot of fun. I've also been doing a lot of reading, in the Bible and from the stack of books I ordered online. The book I am reading right now is called, "Safe in the arms of God" by John MacArthur and it's really amazing. One of the sentences that stuck out to me the past couple of days is, "The first and foremost things we can conclude with certainty about a child is this: Every child conceived is a God-created and God-loved person with a God-given purpose and destiny. Let your comfort begin with the truth. God created your child. God loved your child and continues to love your child. God's purpose and destiny for your child are fulfilled perfectly, even if the child dies. The reality of that is beyond anything you can know fully this side of heaven." These couple of sentences have brought me a lot of comfort. Mason didn't get to come home with us from the hospital, but he went Home and is being loved. God had a plan for Mason, it just wasn't at home with us. Mason was created in my womb and is now being used by God. The same God who loves me unconditionally and continues to stand by my side as I have my good days and bad, my days where I can't pray, and my days when I can't stop talking to him. He's there with me every Sunday as I go see my baby, and he's there with me as I'm working out like a crazy person trying to push all of the feelings out. Most importantly Mason is experiencing something I won't for hopefully a long time, but he is safe, healthy, loved, and as I imagine dancing up there with the angels. I can't even imagine what his "typical day" must be like, but today I find comfort, true comfort, in knowing he is being held by the same God who is holding me and I have to trust Him, because while there are so many things I don't understand, I will not let Satan win this time. I give God all the glory for helping me each day and teaching me something new as I go through this journey.
I will be leaving tomorrow to go to Texas for five days to see my best friend Carmen and I can't wait. We planned the trip two months ago, because she is moving this summer and I knew I wouldn't be able to travel in my third trimester. Little did I know then that God had another reason for me going, but the timing is just right. I'm looking forward to sleeping, reading, and hanging out with my best friend. I'm looking forward to getting away from here for a couple of days and trying to relax. I am going to miss my boys like crazy though. I've never been away from them for this long. I went and bought gifts for them for each day i'm gone and put them in their own special bag and wrote them a note attached to each bag that has the day of the week on it, so Chad can read it to them when they get home. I told them last night mommy was going to go on an airplane in a couple of days and Ky said, " Mommy no..you have to stay home"...his little lip turned down. How I wanted to cancel my trip right then, but I know they will be loved and have a good time with their daddy and all of our family while I am gone. Chad's taking Friday off of work to do something fun with them and I can't wait to hear about what they did. I'm mostly nervous about the plan ride as I do not like to fly, but again just trusting that I need to go on this trip and God will protect me. Well that's my heart this early morning...couldn't sleep and wanted to order some pillows from ZGAllerie for my friend but of course couldn't find her address. So I thought I would check in with all of you and drop a quick note before the day begins.
In my last post I was writing about Laura Story's song Mighty to Save and how last week I heard the line, "He can move the mountains" and last Monday I broke down because I was screaming, "Why couldn't he save my baby?"....this morning I now say..." He can move the mountains and He can get me through this". For it is by his Grace that I am healing.