The last time I posted I was so excited to hear the baby’s heartbeat…and was getting ready to run off to church just like almost every other Sunday.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think my next post would be like this….
We came home from church that Sunday and I was feeling a lot of pressure…I chalked it up to my uterus expanding and laid on the couch most of the afternoon. I even commented to Chad how much pressure I was feeling, but he assured me he remembered me saying the same thing when I was pregnant with Kylan. We went to bed around 9:00 and it was normal for me to get up a couple of times during the night….that night was no different…I got up around 11:00 to go to the bathroom and went back to bed..only to wake up out of a dead sleep at 12:09 and knew something was wrong… I was wet…and for a moment I thought I had a dream and just had an accident…I stood up to turn on the lights and knew instantly my worse fear had come true. My water had broke. I tried to remain calm and woke up Chad. I kept praying that I just had an accident but knew that wasn’t the case. I called the doctor on call who was quite the knob and decided to go to the emergency room. Chad called my mom and she came over to sit with the boys. Luckily the hospital is only 10 minutes from our home.
Chad dropped me off at the emergency room doors and proceded to tell the girl at the desk that I was in pre-term labor. At this point I was having contractions….and knew that my baby would not be able to make it..it was too soon. They did a test right away to confirm it was amniotic fluid and before the five minute waiting period was up two lines showed up positive. The two nurses who were with me were wonderful and the doctor told them on the phone it would probably take me all night to dialate, because at the time I was only 2cm. I knew that wouldn’t be the case as Ky was born within 4 hours of my water breaking. The contractions started to intensify and they gave me something for the pain…although there was nothing they could give me for the pain I was feeling in my heart. I knew what I was about to go through and that my baby wasn’t going to make it.
There was no way to have prepared myself for the nightmare I was living. My wonderful husband held my hand the whole time and my girlfriend went to be with the boys so my mom could be with us. By 2:09 Mason Ervin Alan Elmer was born and went to be with Jesus. They told me he might make some noise and squirm but that there was nothing they could do. My precious baby boy was born with the cord around his neck. He never took a breath of air out of my womb. He was so tiny almost 3 oz…..his tiny hands, feet, nose, mouth…..he was my precious baby boy….
The tears are streaming down my face as I type but how I’ve longed to write this all down just to get it out….the pain my heart feels is suffocating…
After he was born they took him back and took his footprints and weight and gave us a precious box with pictures and his vitals. They put a little hat on his tiny head and placed him in a tiny blanket and brought him back to my room. They moved me to a post partdum room away from everyone else. They told us they could take Mason if we wanted but I couldn’t bare to part with him yet. My mom called our pastor who prayed me within the hour and I’ve never cried like I did that night….or the days/weeks to follow.
Monday morning came and the grief was overbearing…they told me I could go home if I wanted and they shared with us the funeral homes we could contact for a funeral. I just couldn’t leave him…..I rocked him and talked to him…told him how loved his is…..how excited we were to have him join our family….how sorry I was that he would never get to meet his two precious brothers…..I prayed over him..knowing that his precious spirit was already in heaven with our heavenly father….but how my heart ached.
We called one of the funeral homes and talked with Kevin who I know was put in our path and was a true blessing that week.. I stayed Monday night with Mason and Tuesday morning was discharged…I will never forgot us calling for them to take him away…I still can see every moment in my head like a picture…We met with Kevin to go over the obituary, pick out his coffin, discuss the cemetery he was going to be buried at, the service, flowers…etc. Never did I think the first thing that I would buy for my baby would be the only thing. I wanted to have him wrapped in something precious…..and even though I have many friends/family who would have gone to pick something out I wanted to pick it out. Chad took me to the store and the pain was so raw….but we found a beautiful white blanket to have him wrapped in and took that to Kevin… Even now it seems like a bad dream and I’m typing someone else’s story…and not ours.
I remember being in the hospital with Mason in the crib next to my bed and I was sleeping,when my phone rang…I jumped up trying to shut it off not wanting to wake him up only to remember at that moment that my baby wasn’t awake and I would never hear his precious cry.
Our pastor David, came and prayed with us…and talked to us that Monday…..but wasn’t able to do Mason’s funeral. Pastor Joel was and we were so thankful for that. On Wednesday we met with him to go over the short service we wanted to have for Mason. My sister, Ashley, came over that night and we spent two hours looking for songs to put on a cd to play before the service. We decided to keep the service private and small and I’m glad we did. We found seven precious songs and put them on Mason’s cd.
Thursday morning we woke up and Chad took Noah and Ky to our babysitters’ house. We prayed about it and received a lot of council from my uncle who is a pastor out east and decided it would be best for the boys not to come to the funeral. We had them come up to the hospital and showed them where Mason was, next to my bed, and told them he had been sick, and went home to be with Jesus. Noah kept asking when he was going to come home with us but I think he understood the best a 4 year old can by the time he left that Mason wasn’t going to come home with us. Ky was too young to make much sense of what we were saying, but we both felt it was important to have some kind of closure for the boys, because we had been talking so much about the baby and prayed over my tummy every night after our devotion time. The only way I was able to get ready for the funeral was to pretend I was getting ready for church….and then we went the funeral home at 8:45. The service didn’t start until 10:00 so I was able to have some time alone with Mason. I did ok until Kevin opened the door to where the service was being held and saw my baby boys’ casket….. I stayed right in front of it until close to the service began…..It was a beautiful service….We then drove to the cemetery….It was so cold and windy and Chad had to pick me up off of the ground and almost drag me to the car….I just couldn’t leave him…..I can’t even begin to find words to adequately describe the pain….it’s just so intense…so real……so much…There is so much I want to share….so much I’ve experienced the last three almost four weeks…the majority raw grief…. Never did I think that I stumbled across Angie Smith and Stacey’s blog months before I would experience something so similar…little did I know what was to come…little did I know I would feel that pain….
I took off two weeks from work and tried to go back last week and just broke down when I got to my office. I decided to take the rest of last week off as well. My best friend, Carmen, came up from San Antonio the Wednesday after the funeral and stayed with my for four days while Chad went back to work. I didn’t realize just how much I needed her until she got here. I feel like I’m all over the place in my writing but there’s just so much I want to get down so I don’t forget…..We took several pictures with Mason at the hospital and I’m so glad we did because that’s all I will have…that and the things in his precious box that is now sitting on my scrapbook table in my scrapbook room…that was supposed to be his nursery.
I don’t know that I can type any more right now but I am asking for prayer…..because right now I can’t….my heart hurts so much….and I can’t find the words to pray…. I love Jesus with all my heart and know without a doubt that Mason has a new spirit and body and will never feel any pain. I know he is with the best person who can protect him, as Chad said, but my heart aches for my baby….my heart aches to hold him again…..I grieve not being able to hear him cry or to experience all of those things a new mom does with her baby ….There was so many things we/I planned for this little person that I was carrying….so many things…and how I grieve what I will never experience them on earth with him. Below is the letter I wrote to him and put by his casket at the funeral.
My precious baby boy. For four and a half months I was honored to carry you in my womb, to feel you kick, and know that you were part of your dad and I. We were so excited to meet you, to hold you, to watch you grow up, to love you, and to be your parents. I looked forward to having the summer off and being able to spend the first three months of your life at home with you. I was so excited to sit and hold you and watch your big brothers play outside. Knowing you were going to be part of our family brought so much joy to your daddy and I.
Sunday night came and my worst fears came true. Within hours you were born months too early and went home to Jesus. Your daddy and I got to hold you, cry over you, pray over you, and ultimately know that you are at home with Jesus and now have a new body and spirit, and will never feel any pain. We know without a doubt that you are waiting in heaven with open arms and one day, we will see you again.
Right now my heart aches. There are moments when the tears won’t stop and the thought of not hearing you beautiful cry breaks my heart more than words can express. Knowing that I will not be able to hold your hand, wake up at night with you, look into your eyes, and talk to you, fills me with much sorrow. I grieve for the things we will not share here on earth; your first bath, your first crawl, your first steps, and so much more.
I grieve that you will never be able to meet your amazing big brothers who prayed over you every evening during our devotion time and loved to give you kisses.
I do not know why your life was cut short nor do I understand why we have to experience this pain we are feeling right now, but in the midst of all of this, I am sure of one thing and that is this; God is perfect and His plan is perfect. I trust that through this He will hold your daddy and I. He will love us and comfort us as we grieve your loss. He will listen as we cry, scream, and weep, and He will not change. For He is the same God today as He was yesterday. As I loved Him and cherished my relationship with Him yesterday, I cherish and love Him today. For I know you are safe in His arms until I come home to hold you again. Until that day comes know your mommy and daddy love you more than you will ever know. Know that you were wanted and loved by so many.
I’ve experienced loss in my life…grief…pain, but never this type pain/grief…. Never have I gone three weeks feeling the way I do today. The pain is as raw today as it was weeks ago…. I can now identify what stage of grief I’m dealing with throughout my day…..but I don’t know and can’t imagine that it will get better…..and that scares me. I’ve always been the strong one and right now I’m not and can’t be…and don’t care to be. Right now I’m a mother who wants something I can’t have and is left with these memories that wake me up at night…. The world is going on and I feel stuck right now… and don’t know how to put the pieces back together….