Monday, March 16, 2009
My heart is feeling overwhelmed right now. Sundays and Mondays have tended to be the hardest days since Mason died. Sunday was when everything started and Monday was when he was born. Sundays have also become the day I go to the cemetary to spend some quiet time with him. Here is what I'm struggling with right now. I never wanted this to be my story. Up until four weeks ago I was a mom to two beautiful boys, pregnant with our third, and blessed with an amazing husband and life. Now i'm still blessed with everything previously stated except now i'm a mom to two boys at home and one in heaven. While I know it should give me peace in my heart knowing he is with God, and in my head it does, but in my heart I want Mason here!!! I want him here.....I want him to still be in my womb...I want to be experiencing everything a mother does in her third trimester. I didn't want my story to be this...to be going to see a counselor twice a week to try and work through this process called grief, I didn't want to take medicine to help me with the anxiety I feel doing simple things, or to read these books I've ordered online to try and grasp onto some sort of healing. I didn't want this to be my story and now it is.....and that makes angry. I only got to hold Mason for two short days......and even in that he wasn't breathing...i held baby lifeless....but I got to hold him and that is what I want. My counselor, W, asked if I had given this all to God, if I had surrended Mason to Him, if I had let him go....and you know I've thought about that alot since my last session and my answer is no. I'm just not ready to let him go. I haven't been able to sing songs at church....still haven't been able to pray or have a talk with God....believe me i've started it in my head a dozen time and know I need to get a kleenex box and just do it. I know He loves me and I love him....but I can't seem to do it yet. Today my dear friend Michelle found out they were having a boy. She was three weeks behind me and we had our whole maternity leave planned out together. We were going to join weight watchers again after we gave birth, go on walks together with the babies, and share in our special time together. Now it's just here and while I was so excited for her to here what they were having I broke down in my car afterwards because I still want my Mason here. I then went back to my office and was listening to the radio and Laura Story's song, Mighty to Save came on, which I love, but when it got to the verse that says, He can move the mountains....I started crying, because I do believe, but why couldn't he intervine on our behalf and let Mason be ok....why didn't he? I know he didn't take Mason from me but why couldn't he heal him and make him ok? Why did that cord have to wrap around his neck? Why am I now sitting here with an empty womb, a broken heart, and barely making it through the day, except for the 8 hours of numbness I go into the minute I hit work, so that I don't have constant meltdowns? I know what I'm experiencing is grief and i've been told it will get better......but right now I just am screaming inside..."Why me"..."Why my baby".....and I know there is no answer. I know I will see Mason again, but right now it feels like an eternity. Tonight I sit here trying to figure out what marker to put on his grave.....What Marker.....When a little over a month ago I was trying to decide what crib and dresser to put in his nursery...what theme to go with.....What pump I wanted to buy. Now I get to decide which marker we want on his grave and honestly I don't like any of them....probaly because I don't want to have to pick one. I truly truly appreciate your prayers and appreciate you listening to what I have to say...even if it doesn't make sense.