Well it's 10:00 exactly and i'm wide awake...most likely because I took a long nap this afternoon, but it was so worth it! My mom and sisters (who still live at home)...i'm the oldest of 6..my youngest sister Jess is 11, moved this weekend. She has been living in a townhouse/1 of 16 that are connected for the past 6 years and God's timing was perfect and she just moved into the duplex on of my dear friends Amy moved out of last month. We've been wanting her to move for some time now but God has this duplex waiting for her and everything worked out perfect. The landlord repainted the whole duplex and put new carpeting in for her, not to mention it is so darn cute and will be perfect for her and two of my sisters. Now came the fun part...moving. Friday was gorgeous here so I left work at 2:00 and my friend, M, met me and we started taking truckloads over to her new place. Did I mention that it is less than a mile from her old to her new place? That was awesome! With my explorer and my mom's truck we took 6 loads over which was a great start. She rented a U-Haul for Sat...but bad weathe was supposed to come (and it did..! ). My Grams flew in last Tuesday from SC to help my mom pack and she has been such a blessing. She is 80 but is the busiest woman I know and still runs circles around us. Saturday M and I were supposed to participate in a race but it was lightening and storming...we drove to Madison for the race but never made it to the start line due to the weather...instead we hit the mall, my favorite running shoe store, Barnes and Nobles, and Trader Joe's. I've never been to Trader Joe's before and have wanted to go for years...and now am in love with it!!! So we hit those stores quick and drove all the way back to my mom's and continued the moving process. My wonderful husband was most of the muscle, besides one of my brother's friends who came by and helped for hours. What a blessing he was. We finished unloading the second load off of the uhaul at 5:00 and returned the truck at 6:00...and then ordered amazing chinese food. :) We were all excited to have my mom moved in but of course the unpacking process, and cleaning the old place still need to be done by this coming Friday. M watched the boys for us on Sat and we picked them up at 6 and brought them back to my mom's while Chad put all of the bed's together for my mom. We left her place at 9:00 and while I intended to go back and help my energy was gone by the time we got home. I decided to crash and was up early as always and back at her place by 6:45. We got a lot done today and I left there around noon and spent the rest of the day with the family. I took a long nap when the boys did and then watched golf for a bit when I woke up. I finally got my second wind and did laundry, filed paperwork, did dishes and made Chicken Parmesan and garlic bread with wine for dinner....it was amazing!!!!
I also worked on organizing my scrapbook room which has become a storage room of sorts with several of my projects that I want to do but haven't started and still has my carry on from my trip to Texas with my journal that I started on that trip. I know I need to get back to writing and finish my timeline that I want to complete and continue reading the books I bought. While this weekend was a good one in many ways, this past week was a rather rough one for me. Chad picked up on it right away and I got quite depressed on Wed and didn't think I was going to be able to stay at work because I couldn't get the tears to stop. I've been working out six days a week and that seems to be helping, but then this week I just got frustrated and felt like I was back to square one. I think that is what is the hardest part for me....my life will never be the same and I keep thinking it will at some point get back to "normal". I get frustrated with my rough days and think I expect to much of myself but as Wendy (my counselor) reminds me...i've lost a child...I lost my son...it just isn't going to go away...I can't fix it...I can only embrace this process, trust God, grieve.....and take one day, one hour at a time. Chad and I were talking about all of this one the way home from work on Wed and I told him what's been the hardest part is that when Mason died I lost "control" of my life....the false sense of control I so strongly try to hold onto. I know God is teaching me to let go of that and grasp on to Him and let Him carry me...and I am, but it hasn't been easy. I've always known He is there and have no problem letting him control many areas of my life, but then there are certain areas of my life that I know I hold onto for dear life and I believe with all of my heart that losing Mason is teaching me so many things and one of the main ones is that I don't have true control of my life. Yes, I have choices and have control over them and I might try and control a situation, but only God knows what tomorrow and the next is going to bring and I need to let Him have all of me...and let go of this false sense of control that I have been holding on to for so long. Even as I type this I'm in awe of what he is teaching me every day...little by little...He has my full attention and while I still don't understand and continue to ache for my baby...I am resting safe in the arms of God, and letting Him carry me. I'm struggling, I'm having better days, some really bad ones, moments that bring waves of tears, moments of joy with my family and friends, but He's still holding on to me and i'm not letting go or turning back. I will not let Satan win....I will continue to Praise Him in this Storm as so rightfully said by Casting Crowns. This is my Storm and I pray that I will grow as a woman of God and be used by Him for whatever His purpose is. I know right now I need to be in the word and be in prayer daily and I need to listen. I'm good at talking and not always listening, but right now i'm listening, praying, and waiting.
I know this post is all over the place but it feels good to share everything... Please let me know how I can pray for you. I'd be honored to do so.