" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Patience, Provision, and Prayer

Tomorrow will be two weeks since the accident and how things can change in two weeks.  Two weeks ago i sat on my deck praying about provision and guidance and He answered in more ways than one.  The accident caused damage...our car totaled, my body injured, but it's also provided answers otherwise left to be seen.  Without the accident I don't know that I would have gone to the doctor for a CT.  The CT revealed the spot on my brain.  And that spot has been confirmed to be a benign tumor.  I was handling the three options pretty well up until last Saturday and I lost it.  I didn't lose it because I didn't have control, I lost it because I trusted God and if the outcome meant that I had a brain tumor that was cancerous I knew it would be for His glory. And believe me I wrestled with that one...i spent the better part of three nights in my family room praying, reading, and crying....sobbing a couple of times because the selfish part of me was thinking way far ahead and the thought of not being around with my boys and Chad frankly tore me up. But I had peace...that no matter what we would take the answers and move forward knowing He had control on this one.  SO..Monday came and the test came back great.  There is no cancer and they will do another MRI in 6 months to make sure it is not growing. As long as it is the same size they will do one once a year just to monitor it.  PTL!

I returned to work on Monday and honestly is was a rough start back and frankly the week could have ended better but I know i'm also emotional and have a lot going on right now so I'm just trying to let it go. We did go test drive several cars today and I think we have narrowed it down to a Ford Fusion. I'm really excited! I brought one home for the weekend but it's not the color that I want, but we did find several within the chicago area that have the specs I want so I think the plan is to go next Sat and negotiate for the one I decide to go with.  We are going ot keep praying about it but we both liked it the best and I'm getting excited that we are almost done with this part. Then Chad just has to find something he likes. 

God has truly used the past few weeks to speak to me and I feel like i'm growing a lot and embracing all that He is teaching me and am thankful, but I do have something else to share...something that I've been praying about sharing and feel that now would be the best time to do so. Chad and I have been talking for at least a year about whether or not to have another baby.  I have always wanted to have four...and feel that four will make our family complete, but after losing Mason part of me desperately wanted to have a another baby and the other part of me was afraid...afraid that if I lost another child I wouldn't make it through again.  And to be honest Chad shared the same concerns. Losing Mason has been the most devesating loss I've ever experienced and our marriage almost didn't make it.  I checked out for quite some time and it took a lot of love, tears, prayers, time, and God to get us to where we are today.  But on Mother's day Chad gave me the best gift and said he was ready to try again and my heart soared. It was shortly there after that I started to feel sick and had all of the symptoms of being pregnant...and I took my first test and it came back negative.  Granted I took my  first test well before it most likely would ever come up positive but I'm sure you can see the trend of impatienceness... I had a day of spotting nothing to cause concern and a little the following but that was it.  It wasn't a period and I didn't think to much of it since I had the same type of situation happen when I was pregnant with Noah.  So I waited and told Chad I wouldn't take another test until the next month...that month being this month.  I waited until four days past when I should have had my period in the event the spotting I had was part of my cycle...and again a negative test.  But this time I know something's not right.  I've been telling Chad all along..I know my body and I'm either pregnant or somethings wrong. So I called my doctor to get her insight and she asked me to take another test on Monday.  If it came back negative she wanted me to go in for blood work as a tubal pregnancy would still show up positive.  The other possibility being I'm having problems ovulating.  Chad has been nothing short of amazing as he frankly always is and I can tell he's really concerned that I might either be losing a baby or having a tubal pregnancy which wouldn't have a positive outcome.  I told him today i'm really ok but that I just want to know what is going on because it's been so hard being patient wondering, part of me getting really excited about having the signs that point to pregnancy, and the other part scared when I saw the tests come up negative. Please pray that God will cover me with peace....amd pray for my husband that he will be at peace and trust God to take care of me.

1 comment:

patricia e said...

Praying over you ~ let us know how you're doing ~ Trust with all your heart and know that He will guide you through this.