" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Sunday, June 7, 2009


Sundays have been hard for me since Mason died...Sunday is the day when everything began and it's in my head like a flip book. I've had a hard time going to church since Mason died and every time I go, God knows I need to be there, but I end up crying most of the time. Today I didn't want to go, but I knew I needed to go. I got the boys up and ready, let Chad sleep in, and took them to church. They were happy to see their friends and I was happy to sit with my mom and listen to David preach. I feel numb today and felt numb most of the service. I think it's my body's way of shutting of the emotion. I came home with the boys and took a nap, then got up and went to the gym for a long workout. I'm now at home waiting for the boys to wake up from their nap, but am just exhausted. It's been a couple of days since I've had a good cry and I think I'm due for one. My friend, Michelle, who is due in August is having her baby shower the end of the month and I'm so excited for her and Craig. We shared with each other that we were pregnant before we told our families and had planned to spend alot of time together while we were on maternity leave. Our boys were going to be 4 weeks apart and I was so excited. I had the whole summer planned out in my head and now I have nothing.....I want to continue to support her and love her and the baby, but when I was thinking about having to go to the baby section to pick something out I started to have a panic attack... I'm not sure what I'm going to get her, and while I do want to go to the shower, I'm afraid I will start to cry looking at her pregnant and all of the baby things.....and I don't want to take anything away from her special day. Tuesday will be four months since Mason was born into heaven and I think now that the shock of everything has gone and the feelings continue to come I feel lost alot of the time. When I say that I mean that I struggle with balancing work, spending time with the boys, being emotionally there for them, my husband, and friends. I know that I have completely isolated myself from a lot of my friends because I just don't feel like answering the how are you doing today, or even listen to their complaints. I love them dearly but seem to be impatient when listening to people complain about petty things and don't really care to listen to it. Some days are good, others are bad, some I'm super happy, and then others, like today, I struggle to make it through the day and really don't feel like doing anything. Sorry this post is all over the place...I needed to get my feelings out so thought I would pop online and type them out.

I have been waiting to order Mason's headstone and think I decided on which one to get. Chad left that decision up to me as he thought they all looked nice. I just can't seem to pick up the phone to call the cemetary and set up an appointment to go order it. I keep having flashbacks to going there and being shown where he would be buried and just feeling the coldness inside the office. Steve- The gentleman who helped us was wonderful but I'm just having a hard time with doing this part of it.

Well I'm going to try and get a couple minutes of sleep before they wake up. I'm sure I'll post more later.

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