I'm not sure where to begin...today started off early for me and I had some good quiet time on my way to the office this morning, but as soon as I got there I started to have a panic attack. Just typing today's date...made me want to cry. By 7:30 I wasn't sure if I would make it the whole day without losing it. All I kept thinking about was Mason, that night, giving birth to him, and all that happened afterwards. The shock aspect of everything has worn off I find myself going over all of the details in my head....and the if onlys come up. I know it's not fair to beat myself up....but if only it hadn't been so windy outside and cold the day we buried my sweet baby I could have stayed by his side just a little longer. If only I could have stayed in the hospital one more day with my baby and held him....if only. Now I just treasure the two days I had with him. I know he was already in heaven but just holding him was a gift...his little hands, feet, and the cap they had on his head, my precious baby. I miss him so much.....I am no longer pregnant but now have a flatter stomach and I've dropped several sizes so that when people see me now they would never know that 4 months ago I was pregnant. A stranger would look at me and not know...and that's ok but I know where I wish i was today and that is pregnant with Mason and getting ready to have him. I know I've said this numerous times....I'm truly at peace that he is with God in heaven and I wouldn't want to take him away from where he is, but the mom in me just wants another minute with her baby. The mom in me grieves for all of the dreams and plans I had for us and they will never happen this side of eternity.
And then I don't know if any of you have been following April Rose's mom's blog but my heart is sad. There has been a lot of questions to whether or not it was a scam or not, and i'm not going to speak to that, as I know God knows the truth and that's all that matters, but I was reminded today after reading many of the comments that were posted that we are all covered by the Grace of God and we all fall short. I think if it was a scam, it is horrible, and I don't even have the emotional capacity to put my arms around it other than to say that person would need our prayers more than anything, and if it's not a scam then my heart goes out to them for having to endure so much riducule. Regardless if it is true or not, I'm thankful for God's never ending grace...i'm thankful He died on the cross for me, my husband, my children, for all of us. I'm thankful that I can go to bed at night knowing that one day I will be reunited with my baby in heaven. I can't wait to see him face to face and to hear all that he has been up to praising Jesus. I'm thankful that I live my life with that hope, that joy, that I know the Truth, and am covered by the blood of the Lamb. I can't imagine going through my life without God as my foundation because as you have seen over these past months I've had to hold on to him with everything that I have to get through our loss. It has been traumatic but it would be horrific if I didn't know where my son is, or had Him to guide me. Even when I scream and bawl and yell, which happens often, He still loves me and in my silence I know He is near. I know He loves me unconditionally and can take everything that I have to say. For He knows what it is like to lose a son and just recently I put that together. That may sound dumb because I know God gave His son for our sins, but I never put the two and two together, I'm a mother who lost her son, He lost His son too. He knows my pain....He understands, and in the beginning I truly had a hard time thinking He did. As I sit here this evening and make it through the rest of the day the tears are plentiful but I'm also so thankful that my baby is resting in His arms. There is no better place for him to be right now. I have hope in my Jesus and that is enough for me. He is enough...He is my portion...He is my abba daddy, He is my provider, He is my strength, He is strong when I am weak, and in my weakness He makes me strong.
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"...
It is my prayer that you rest in the plans He has for you...that you listen with your heart and let the Holy Spirit lead you every step. He has an amazing plan for each of us and what a beautiful piece of pottery He will make if we let Him be the potter and mold us. How awful that pottery will look if I try and take my journey into my own hands. God Bless.