" I am the Lord. I change not." Malachi 3:6

Saturday, June 20, 2009

One step forward two steps back

This week has been a hard week...it really has. As I mentioned in a past post one of my friends and I have drifted apart after Mason died and this week she contacted me and I had a very hard conversation with her. Ever since Mason died, every message, voicemail, text, and email, A has sent me has had some kind of comment stating, " I hope you are recovering quickly", I hope you get back to normal quickly, I hope things get normal again fast, I hope you are back to your old self soon. All of these comments have frustrated me and really upset me. In my opinion my life has forever changed and I will not be the same Mimi that I was before Mason died. When I tried to explain to her that my "normal" has changed her response was, " Well my mom's friend is proof that your life will get back to normal". It's almost like she has been arguing with me or pushing me to be the old me and hasn't listened when I've shared with her just how much those comments bother me. That being said I just stopped responding because even though her friendship has meant alot to me over the years, there is so much going on right now that I just don't have the energy to keep addressing it with her. Well....she didn't like the fact that I didn't respond to her last email which stated, " I have my own opinion on how one should handle things" and of course " I hope you are recovering and getting back to normal quickly so you can find joy in life again"..... So she called me and then sent me a text asking if I was going to ever answer her and why am I not talking to her. Ok let me just say that I do text my siblings and friends, but it's quick comments like have a good day or what time are you coming over. I'm not twelve and I don't believe in communicating via text when there is a problem or issue. I don't like confrontation any more than the next person but I am also a believer of talking to one another in love and trying to work through things and not just keep the big elephant in the room.
So....Monday afternoon I called her and just lost it. I asked her what she meant when she said she had her own opinion on how one should handle things, because if she was speaking to how I am handling the death of my son she has no place to speak nor does she understand what i'm going through and in my opinion has no basis for how she thinks one should handle that....and of course that is what she was talking about. She told me that one has to want to get better and it's a choice to do what you need to do to get back to normal again...And that is where I stopped her and lost it. I told her that I was sick of hearing her constantly push getting back to "normal" on me, I didn't just fall off a bike and am trying to get back up. My son died....he is gone... MY normal right now is aching to hold him for just one more day, my normal right now is looking at the calendar knowing my due date is right around the corner, my normal is grieving the plans I had for the summer that no longer exist, my normal is going over catalogs to pick out his gravestone. I am not saying that I haven't had good days, that I am not enjoying my life, that I am not finding joy in experiences, but what I'm saying is that the person I was before is no more. The death of my son has forever changed my life. While I am taking one day at a time and alot of time an hour at a time I know at some point I will be more comfortable with my "adjusted normal", but right now i'm still trying to figure out what that is. So that was my Monday and it wasn't good. I then came home and Chad and I had a long talk and he is struggling with where I am at. He is struggling in that it pains him to see me have a good day, then have a day where I'm bawling, or cranky, or angry, or a little bit of everything, and he doesn't know how to fix it. And that pains me but unfortunately I can't tell him just give me another month and I'll be good to go. That is hard for me because i've always been one to try and control my emotions and turn them on and off when it is "appropriate". Mason's death has taught me that I can be vulnerable for a long period of time and it's ok. So Tuesday I had an appointment with Wendy (my counselor) and it was a hard session but good. She affirmed how i'm feeling and said that while she completely understands what Chad is saying I would only hurt myself if I turned my emotions off right now and just stopped dealing with them and I agree. Chad has been so incredibly supportive....I just wish it wasn't so hard explaining how I feel....he listens but I know he doesn't understand becase his grieving process has been so different and I think it is for men. Well the week just went downhill from there and i'm exhausted emotionally and physically.

Luckily today is going to be a special day and i'm looking forward to it. My sister Ash, just graduated from college and part of her present is a morning at the spa. She's coming over at 9:00 and we are going to our favorite coffee shop for breakfast then heading to the spa for a massage followed by a pedicure. I'm looking forward to relaxing and having time with her. She is so special to me and i'm so blessed to have her as my sister. I'm so thankful for my large family. Ash and I have grown so close over the years and i'm really enjoying being great friends and not just sisters anymore..if that makes sense.

The rest of the day will be busy, cleaning, grocery shopping, and unfortunately back to work for a few hours. I'm traveling to Corporate on Monday and have a lot to do before I leave early Monday morning. We are going out of town tomorrow for Father's Day so I need to get everything done today.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and father's day! God Bless.


Erika said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of a friend throughout your grieving process. I pray that she will have more understanding and realize this is a life changing event! It sounds like your wonderful husband & Wendy are a great support system for you. You are not meant to walk alone.

I hope you guys had a Happy Fathers Day and celebrated what a wonderful Dad your husband is to your children! :o)

Lovin Lane said...

Wow, Very Very well said... I have not walked in your shoes, and could not begin to know your pain.. My circumstances with my son makes me fear having to walk in your shoes.. and that in of itself sometimes is too much to bare, so I could not imagine what you are going through.. my heart breaks for you... May God wrap his loving arms around you...