Bittersweet

I had been anticipating this past weekend with alot of anxiety. Our dear friends Michelle and Craig had their couples baby shower on Sat. We are so excited for them as they are expecting their first baby boy in Aug. Michelle and I shared with each that we were expecting before we told our families. (Our husband knew of course)... We met for coffee and she told me she was expecting...Chad and I knew we were expecting but were waiting for Christmas to tell anyone...well I then ordered decaf coffee which let it slip out of the bag to Mich. We had a wonderful coffee date and were so excited to be expecting at the same time and be on maternity leave together!!! The planning began, and we really enjoyed several months of comparing cravings, going to movies, and making plans for the summer. Well that all changed when Mason died and I've had a hard time being around her. I'm so excited for them...I really am, but every time I see her I think of Mason...I think I where I should be at in my pregnancy and how close I should be to holding a healthy Mason in my arms. So that all being said I was very anxious for her shower but it was so important for us to go and support her. Well to top things off I had made an appt for Chad and I to go to the cemetary and look at designs for Mason's headstone...the morning of Michelle's shower. I didn't realize I had booked this until I flipped my calendar over last monday... Ugh. But I didn't want to cancel because I've so desperately wanted to pick out a stone for Mason so that it will be there and his plot won't be empty any longer. I've just had such a hard time deciding and thought if Chad and I went together to see more options it would make the decision process easier. Well we went and I left more frustrated then I was before. I had copies made of the choices I liked but still couldn't make a decision. We went and visited Mason and then my mom was wonderful and kept the boys for a couple of hours longer so Chad and I could have some breathing time before we had to get ready for the shower.

The shower was beautiful! God truly gave me a peace and helped me keep it together. We saw a lot of good friends and enjoyed watching Michelle and Craig open their gifts and talk about Conner's arrival.

Sunday I took the boys and we went home (to chicago) to my aunt and uncle's for the day. I spent almost every weekend there when I first moved to Wisconsin and consider their home my home. My cousin graduated from high school and they had his grad party. It was so wonderful! We went early and the boys and I played in their pool. My aunt rented a bouncy house for the kids and they loved it!!! It had been too long since I've been home and I really enjoyed catching up with everyone. My aunt was so sweet and had a bag to send home with me, which had my favorite gourmet coffee, Harry and David Jam, Pasta, and a few boxes of different mixes that look so yummy. I need to go back soon and spend more time with them.

Then yesterday came and I got the flu...not fun at all!! My mom and sis had it for over a week and i'm pretty sure I got it from my sis on Sun. I was hoping it was just a 24 hour bug and would go away quickly but I woke up today feeling even worse then I did yesterday. Work is so busy right now and I'm hating not being there because there is so much going on for me to be out a couple of days.... I know I need to let myself get better but I don't like being sick, or stuck at home without energy to do anything. To me it's just a waste of a day. If I am going to be home I'd much rather be working on cleaning projects or something productive instead of just being in bed. Oh well.

I'm hoping to feel better quickly because I was looking forward to having a three day weekend this weekend for the 4th!!! I'm planning on making a Trader Joe's run to pick up a few things on Friday and then enjoy the weekend with the fam. Sun we are going to my mom's for a cookout which will be a blast. I'm hoping to do something fun with the boys but don't know what yet and it all depends on how i'm feeling. I hope the boys don't get this. Poor Chad slept on the couch last night and was so sweet about making sure I'm staying hydrated...food doesn't even sound appealing right now... Well I don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer but that's what's going on in my neck of the woods. I will leave you some pics of the boys... they are getting so big!!

Great Day

Today was a great day! Nothing amazing happened...I got up early went in to work for a couple of hours, went back home to pick up the boys and Chad and drop the boys of at my in laws, ran back to the office, then headed to our corporate office in Chicago for meetings. I drove for four hours total today but really enjoyed the quiet time. I had to work until 6:00 which was pretty early for the new "norm" around here but headed home and made some fantastic turkey wraps. The boys played in their pool, Chad mowed the lawn, and then the boys had a blast in the tub while I was switching loads of laundry. I just felt myself smiling a lot today....and it felt really good. I enjoyed listening to the boys laugh, giving my hubby a glass of lemonade after he mowed the lawn and just being home. It was a great day!!! Tomorrow I get my hair cut and am so excited about that. I have a lot to share about Father's day but will save that for when I have more energy as i'm pretty tired right now.

One step forward two steps back

This week has been a hard week...it really has. As I mentioned in a past post one of my friends and I have drifted apart after Mason died and this week she contacted me and I had a very hard conversation with her. Ever since Mason died, every message, voicemail, text, and email, A has sent me has had some kind of comment stating, " I hope you are recovering quickly", I hope you get back to normal quickly, I hope things get normal again fast, I hope you are back to your old self soon. All of these comments have frustrated me and really upset me. In my opinion my life has forever changed and I will not be the same Mimi that I was before Mason died. When I tried to explain to her that my "normal" has changed her response was, " Well my mom's friend is proof that your life will get back to normal". It's almost like she has been arguing with me or pushing me to be the old me and hasn't listened when I've shared with her just how much those comments bother me. That being said I just stopped responding because even though her friendship has meant alot to me over the years, there is so much going on right now that I just don't have the energy to keep addressing it with her. Well....she didn't like the fact that I didn't respond to her last email which stated, " I have my own opinion on how one should handle things" and of course " I hope you are recovering and getting back to normal quickly so you can find joy in life again"..... So she called me and then sent me a text asking if I was going to ever answer her and why am I not talking to her. Ok let me just say that I do text my siblings and friends, but it's quick comments like have a good day or what time are you coming over. I'm not twelve and I don't believe in communicating via text when there is a problem or issue. I don't like confrontation any more than the next person but I am also a believer of talking to one another in love and trying to work through things and not just keep the big elephant in the room.
So....Monday afternoon I called her and just lost it. I asked her what she meant when she said she had her own opinion on how one should handle things, because if she was speaking to how I am handling the death of my son she has no place to speak nor does she understand what i'm going through and in my opinion has no basis for how she thinks one should handle that....and of course that is what she was talking about. She told me that one has to want to get better and it's a choice to do what you need to do to get back to normal again...And that is where I stopped her and lost it. I told her that I was sick of hearing her constantly push getting back to "normal" on me, I didn't just fall off a bike and am trying to get back up. My son died....he is gone... MY normal right now is aching to hold him for just one more day, my normal right now is looking at the calendar knowing my due date is right around the corner, my normal is grieving the plans I had for the summer that no longer exist, my normal is going over catalogs to pick out his gravestone. I am not saying that I haven't had good days, that I am not enjoying my life, that I am not finding joy in experiences, but what I'm saying is that the person I was before is no more. The death of my son has forever changed my life. While I am taking one day at a time and alot of time an hour at a time I know at some point I will be more comfortable with my "adjusted normal", but right now i'm still trying to figure out what that is. So that was my Monday and it wasn't good. I then came home and Chad and I had a long talk and he is struggling with where I am at. He is struggling in that it pains him to see me have a good day, then have a day where I'm bawling, or cranky, or angry, or a little bit of everything, and he doesn't know how to fix it. And that pains me but unfortunately I can't tell him just give me another month and I'll be good to go. That is hard for me because i've always been one to try and control my emotions and turn them on and off when it is "appropriate". Mason's death has taught me that I can be vulnerable for a long period of time and it's ok. So Tuesday I had an appointment with Wendy (my counselor) and it was a hard session but good. She affirmed how i'm feeling and said that while she completely understands what Chad is saying I would only hurt myself if I turned my emotions off right now and just stopped dealing with them and I agree. Chad has been so incredibly supportive....I just wish it wasn't so hard explaining how I feel....he listens but I know he doesn't understand becase his grieving process has been so different and I think it is for men. Well the week just went downhill from there and i'm exhausted emotionally and physically.

Luckily today is going to be a special day and i'm looking forward to it. My sister Ash, just graduated from college and part of her present is a morning at the spa. She's coming over at 9:00 and we are going to our favorite coffee shop for breakfast then heading to the spa for a massage followed by a pedicure. I'm looking forward to relaxing and having time with her. She is so special to me and i'm so blessed to have her as my sister. I'm so thankful for my large family. Ash and I have grown so close over the years and i'm really enjoying being great friends and not just sisters anymore..if that makes sense.

The rest of the day will be busy, cleaning, grocery shopping, and unfortunately back to work for a few hours. I'm traveling to Corporate on Monday and have a lot to do before I leave early Monday morning. We are going out of town tomorrow for Father's Day so I need to get everything done today.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and father's day! God Bless.

Lazy Day

One thing i've never been good at is resting...or being still. God is teaching me to enjoy doing both. Today I slept in until 8:00!! This is something I haven't done in years...and i'm not kidding. I might sleep in until 7:00 but normally i'm up no later than 5 and love being able to get a lot done before the kids wake up. I truly enjoy my morning time. Today I slept in and then got up to gorgeous weather again. The boys and I spent most of the day outside and it was wonderful! I did finish a small project I was working on in our room this morning but around 9:30 I headed outside to get some much needed sun and catch up on lots of reading material. The boys followed around 10:00 and we had a blast! They love their little pool and spent over an hour running around the backyard and jumping in it. Then we moved too searching for bugs (I should say they). The have a bug gun that sucks the bugs into a closed container with air holes and then they can see the bugs they catch...the love it and are sure to show me each and every bug they catch... I don't like bugs at all but try to act like I'm in awe of their catches. :) I thought it would be fun to have a picnic lunch in our backyard and that is what we did. I love our little conversations we have. Noah is trying really hard to say hi whole name. Both of our boys have two middle names so they are quite a mouth full and noah's middle names aren't the easiest for a little boy to say but he's trying so hard. We all took a nap and then headed back outside until dinner. Dinner was great courtesy of Papa Murphy's. :) I love their delite pizza and the boys inhale their cheesesticks. Right now the boys are drawing artwork in the tub and Chad is picking up a movie for us (Last Chance Harvey) and one for the boys. He went boating with friends of ours today which was great for him!!! I think he really needed some alone time. We are going to just chill after the boys go to bed and I will be enjoying a glass of Mountain Rose wine from Tennessee:) All in all this weekend has been refreshing and the relaxation much needed. I refrained from going in to work at all and am so glad I did.

Wonderful Day

Today has been a wonderful day with the fam. This morning I got up early and started in on the never ending piles of laundry. I don't know where they come from. :) The boys got up early so we had fun talking over bowls of cereal and trying to figure out what fun we were going to have today. I met my friend Tracie for coffee at my favorite coffee shop and chatted with her for an hour. When I got back home the boys and Chad were all ready to go and our day began. We went to this really neat shop that has tons of flowers and a huge fish pond that the boys love looking at. Then we went to the pet store and looked at all of the fish, turtles, birds, etc. We always finish by picking out treats for our dog Zoe at the "buffet" treat station and then headed to the library. We signed the boys up for the summer reading program. Our library is amazing and the boys just love going to the children's library within it. It's huge and has a lot of things for them to play with. We then headed home for lunch and all took a much needed nap. Then they played outside with Chad while I continued cleaning and laundry. Chad made steaks on the grill for dinner which were so yummy! Afterwards I went for a bike ride and did a quick Target run. Unfortunately I'm having horrible back pain right now so I took three tylenol and have two ice packs stuck to my back praying it helps numb the pain. I get these "spasms" twice a year but when I get them it feels like someone is sticking a knife in my back...not fun. Overall today has been relaxing, and wonderful time spent with the fam. Tomorrow we have no plans either..PTL! So i'm hoping to lay out and just do a lot of nothing.

Excited for the weekend

I'm so looking forward to spending time relaxing most of the weekend! With my promotion have come alot of long hours but I know it's only short term until I get things organized. That being said i'm dragging a bit today and going to take a nap here shortly and then decide on what to do next. I really want to just hang out at home with the boys but part of me thinks that if I go into work tonight and get things done I won't have to work too long tomorrow and then can have most of the weekend with the fam. Right now the boys are looking for bugs with their buckets and shovels. They could look for them for hours and i'd rather not look in their buckets..lol. It's supposed to be beautiful here this weekend so we might take them to a green house tomorrow and look at flowers. It's a really neat green house with a water fall and all kinds of outdoor things. The boys love it! I have my running list of things to do but am trying to keep it minimal this weekend. Well not much else to report right now. I am hoping to get my pictures organized this weekend and possibly start a new albulm this weekend.

Grace

I'm not sure where to begin...today started off early for me and I had some good quiet time on my way to the office this morning, but as soon as I got there I started to have a panic attack. Just typing today's date...made me want to cry. By 7:30 I wasn't sure if I would make it the whole day without losing it. All I kept thinking about was Mason, that night, giving birth to him, and all that happened afterwards. The shock aspect of everything has worn off I find myself going over all of the details in my head....and the if onlys come up. I know it's not fair to beat myself up....but if only it hadn't been so windy outside and cold the day we buried my sweet baby I could have stayed by his side just a little longer. If only I could have stayed in the hospital one more day with my baby and held him....if only. Now I just treasure the two days I had with him. I know he was already in heaven but just holding him was a gift...his little hands, feet, and the cap they had on his head, my precious baby. I miss him so much.....I am no longer pregnant but now have a flatter stomach and I've dropped several sizes so that when people see me now they would never know that 4 months ago I was pregnant. A stranger would look at me and not know...and that's ok but I know where I wish i was today and that is pregnant with Mason and getting ready to have him. I know I've said this numerous times....I'm truly at peace that he is with God in heaven and I wouldn't want to take him away from where he is, but the mom in me just wants another minute with her baby. The mom in me grieves for all of the dreams and plans I had for us and they will never happen this side of eternity.

And then I don't know if any of you have been following April Rose's mom's blog but my heart is sad. There has been a lot of questions to whether or not it was a scam or not, and i'm not going to speak to that, as I know God knows the truth and that's all that matters, but I was reminded today after reading many of the comments that were posted that we are all covered by the Grace of God and we all fall short. I think if it was a scam, it is horrible, and I don't even have the emotional capacity to put my arms around it other than to say that person would need our prayers more than anything, and if it's not a scam then my heart goes out to them for having to endure so much riducule. Regardless if it is true or not, I'm thankful for God's never ending grace...i'm thankful He died on the cross for me, my husband, my children, for all of us. I'm thankful that I can go to bed at night knowing that one day I will be reunited with my baby in heaven. I can't wait to see him face to face and to hear all that he has been up to praising Jesus. I'm thankful that I live my life with that hope, that joy, that I know the Truth, and am covered by the blood of the Lamb. I can't imagine going through my life without God as my foundation because as you have seen over these past months I've had to hold on to him with everything that I have to get through our loss. It has been traumatic but it would be horrific if I didn't know where my son is, or had Him to guide me. Even when I scream and bawl and yell, which happens often, He still loves me and in my silence I know He is near. I know He loves me unconditionally and can take everything that I have to say. For He knows what it is like to lose a son and just recently I put that together. That may sound dumb because I know God gave His son for our sins, but I never put the two and two together, I'm a mother who lost her son, He lost His son too. He knows my pain....He understands, and in the beginning I truly had a hard time thinking He did. As I sit here this evening and make it through the rest of the day the tears are plentiful but I'm also so thankful that my baby is resting in His arms. There is no better place for him to be right now. I have hope in my Jesus and that is enough for me. He is enough...He is my portion...He is my abba daddy, He is my provider, He is my strength, He is strong when I am weak, and in my weakness He makes me strong.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"...

It is my prayer that you rest in the plans He has for you...that you listen with your heart and let the Holy Spirit lead you every step. He has an amazing plan for each of us and what a beautiful piece of pottery He will make if we let Him be the potter and mold us. How awful that pottery will look if I try and take my journey into my own hands. God Bless.

4 months

Tomorrow marks the 4th month since I gave birth to Mason...As I sit here writing this tears are welling up and my heart aches. My arms are heavy and wish more than anything that I could hold my precious baby just one more time. I remember him kicking inside of me....and then I remember that tragic night now to long ago when my whole life changed. So much has happened since Mason died....I'm grieving, I'm sad, I've gone from crying most of the day, to having good days, bad days, and mixed days. I've isolated myself from alot of people...i've lost a friend who i was close to for 8 years. She continued to end every conversation, email, text, message, with recover quickly and get back to normal soon...and I just couldn't take that anymore. I've learned through this that it isn't fair to put a timeline on this process known as grief...my normal will never be the same...yes I will become more adjusted to my "new normal" but I will never be the same person as I was before Mason was born. It changed my life and while I know God is right by my side each day brings new challenges but in the same breath He is teaching me so much about Him and myself....

I need to go to sleep as I have to get up early tomorrow but I can't seem to fall asleep. I've had reoccuring nightmares since Mason died and I struggle with going to bed afraid of what might occur while I'm sleeping. I'm praying tonight is a quiet night.

Thank you for your prayers and for listening. God Bless

A few pictures

Noah loved the goggles! He calls them his water glasses and even took them in the bathtub! Kylan so excited to play on the slip N slide he got for his birthday!

Ky showing me the cupcake he picked out to eat. I'm no Martha but I tried:)

My handsome men....

Ky posing in front of the basketball hoop we got him for his birthday...the big 3!

Ok so my plans for going out with the boys are on hold as they are watching a dinosaur carton in Spanish and don't even seemed bothered by the fact they can't understand what it being said. They crack me up. Chad's mowing the lawn and i'm waiting for their pizza to be done before I start the orange chicken and egg rolls Chad and I are having with dinner. That being said I just uploaded some cute pictures of the boys and my trip to Wollersheim Winery Yesterday. It's really neat...my friend Dawn and I met when I moved to Alaska and was starting 8th grade. We were friends all the way through High School and then I moved to southern alaska and we lost touch. Seven years went by and at the urging of my siblings I started my own facebook account and found many friends from highschool and military that I grew up with. Dawn was one of them and it was so awesome because that summer (two years ago) she was moving to Madison Wisconsin which is not very far from me. We met at Barnes and Nobles for coffee and caught up right we were left off. We try and get together every month and always have a blast when we do. I've really enjoyed our friendship and she has been so understanding since Mason died. She's a great listener and feel so blessed we've been able to reconnect. Enjoy the pictures!

Tired....

Sundays have been hard for me since Mason died...Sunday is the day when everything began and it's in my head like a flip book. I've had a hard time going to church since Mason died and every time I go, God knows I need to be there, but I end up crying most of the time. Today I didn't want to go, but I knew I needed to go. I got the boys up and ready, let Chad sleep in, and took them to church. They were happy to see their friends and I was happy to sit with my mom and listen to David preach. I feel numb today and felt numb most of the service. I think it's my body's way of shutting of the emotion. I came home with the boys and took a nap, then got up and went to the gym for a long workout. I'm now at home waiting for the boys to wake up from their nap, but am just exhausted. It's been a couple of days since I've had a good cry and I think I'm due for one. My friend, Michelle, who is due in August is having her baby shower the end of the month and I'm so excited for her and Craig. We shared with each other that we were pregnant before we told our families and had planned to spend alot of time together while we were on maternity leave. Our boys were going to be 4 weeks apart and I was so excited. I had the whole summer planned out in my head and now I have nothing.....I want to continue to support her and love her and the baby, but when I was thinking about having to go to the baby section to pick something out I started to have a panic attack... I'm not sure what I'm going to get her, and while I do want to go to the shower, I'm afraid I will start to cry looking at her pregnant and all of the baby things.....and I don't want to take anything away from her special day. Tuesday will be four months since Mason was born into heaven and I think now that the shock of everything has gone and the feelings continue to come I feel lost alot of the time. When I say that I mean that I struggle with balancing work, spending time with the boys, being emotionally there for them, my husband, and friends. I know that I have completely isolated myself from a lot of my friends because I just don't feel like answering the how are you doing today, or even listen to their complaints. I love them dearly but seem to be impatient when listening to people complain about petty things and don't really care to listen to it. Some days are good, others are bad, some I'm super happy, and then others, like today, I struggle to make it through the day and really don't feel like doing anything. Sorry this post is all over the place...I needed to get my feelings out so thought I would pop online and type them out.

I have been waiting to order Mason's headstone and think I decided on which one to get. Chad left that decision up to me as he thought they all looked nice. I just can't seem to pick up the phone to call the cemetary and set up an appointment to go order it. I keep having flashbacks to going there and being shown where he would be buried and just feeling the coldness inside the office. Steve- The gentleman who helped us was wonderful but I'm just having a hard time with doing this part of it.

Well I'm going to try and get a couple minutes of sleep before they wake up. I'm sure I'll post more later.