Our week has been a busy one! On Sunday we went to church and I was rocked to the core by our pastor's message!! I love how when we often go to church it feels like the message was made just for me and where I'm at. I love how God works! This weekend David shared an emotional story about his past and his struggle with depression and anxiety, two topics that hit very close to home for me and my extended family. His message and testimony was raw, genuine, and relatable. One of the verses he shared touched my heart.
John 16:20 New International Version
Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.
It reminded me of Mason and the days and months that followed losing him. I will never forget the depression and anxiety that entered my life after we lost him. I remember blogging many days and weeks of tears, anguish, pain, and desperation. I remember taking one hour at a time, shutting down, my marriage suffered, and many days seemed unbearable. If you would have told me then that God would change my heart, that He would change my life, that He would bring something so beautiful out of something so awful I wouldn't have believed you. But almost four years later (which often feels like yesterday) I can share with great joy all of the amazing things God has done in my life and my marriage. He has restored my marriage and my husband and I are blessed to welcome Harper into our home in a matter of weeks. He used my grief and loss to show a side of strength in my husband that frankly always existed but I never saw. He taught me how to rely on Him and his word for everything and to be vulnerable in a way that I've never allowed myself to be. And the list goes on and on. I will never be the same person that I was before February 9,2009...my normal is different then it was before that day...but I can tell you that I love fiercer then I ever did before. I'm not afraid to be brutally honest with my family and friends. I cherish my children and the craziness that often surrounds our days! I'm thankful for the big hugs and laughter that fills our home. And most importantly I'm thankful that God's promises are true. I know without a shadow of a doubt that our son is in heaven and he is healthy and beautiful and waiting. I know I will be reunited with him one day and I can't wait to hold him in my arms and tell him just how much I love him. Until then I rest knowing that he is being loved by my Abba Father and couldn't be with anyone better.
Whew! Sorry if I went on a bit of a tangent...but it feels so good to write all of the pieces down and remember the ways that God speaks to me throughout the week and how it often intertwines my past with my present and future.
The boys are asleep and while I'm getting ready to call it a night I am excited as if it's Christmas morning...because tomorrow we are going to get a 3D/4D ultrasound of Harper!!! I can't wait!! I hope we get to see some great pictures of her precious face and just hope the day flies by and we get there early. We are going to take the boys with us as we thought it would be a neat experience to share as a family. It almost reminds me of peeking at your Christmas presents before Christmas day.. (Not that I ever opened a corner of wrapping paper as a child and knew what I was getting before Christmas Day came..:) Having a glimpse of what she looks like makes me want her to be here now and not 40 days from now...but I also want her to stay put as long as possible. I will be sure to share pics and post about our neat day!