Sunday, February 6, 2011
I listen to K-Love all day long in my car during my commute to the City...this year they have been talking about coming up with one word that describes how you want to live your year or describe you. I spent a few weeks really thinking about and it as of last week the word came tumbling out..TRUST. Yep that's my word...and Im on my knees laying it before God. You see that word represents everything that I struggle with and often coincides with my control issues...or false sense of control if you will. After losing Mason...I trusted HIM......He was there and picked me up and held my hand, and listened to me scream, he sat beside me as I laid in bed for days at a time....I trusted Him to get me to the other side of the horror I was living in. And He did....Trust..When I was in a car accident in July and my explorer was totalled I trusted Him to provide...to heal me and blessed that my babies were not hurt. Trust... Two months later when I was diagnosed with pulmonary embolism....I was shaken to my core and I'm going to be honest with you.I didn't trust... I remembering praying in the radiologist's office and tears pouring down my face..but I wasn't Trusting Him to take care of me...I was desperately trying to control the situation at hand...and do what needed to be done to fix things. If you've read my blog the past few months you will know that has been easier said then done.. An ugly thing called anxiety has reared it's ugly head and now is part of my almost every day...and I don't like it one it. My weekly sessions with Wendy are helping and i'm back on track with WW and working out every day which seems to wear me out so that I am not so anxious going to bed....but this weekend I had a huge AH HA moment...I haven't completely Trusted Him with EVERYTHING. There have been moments, and days, and even weeks that I've trusted him and praised Him for getting me through this...but there have been just as many days where I have doubted and not trusted. I have doubted for fear that things will turn out that way I don't want them to....and that scares me....it has scared me to my core. But then I read a book this weekend..."The boy who came back from heaven" by Kevin and Alex Malarkey...and He showed up and spoke to me ever so gently about Trusting Him...and the tears have continued to flow... Because my disbelief has been consumed by not just my PE, but by my fear of flying, and this week....This week marks the 2nd anniversary of losing Mason. And right now my friends...i'm a mess.. I went over to my girlfriend Mich's house on Friday night to enjoy some red wine as we normally do after our kids go to bed. We usually talk for hours and I stay in the suite downstairs. This Friday....was like others but somehow our conversation came to Mason and I lost it.....and I mean lost it...sobs erupted from my core and I could barely catch my breath but Mich was there and just held me and we cried together. As His anniversary approaches I found myself thinking of so many things this weekend...waves of memories rushing back...finding out we were pregnant...my precious friend J being there as she was the only one as work I had told... I remember continuously bugging her about my clothes and is anyone could tell and i'm pretty sure I had something to say about a craving or anything baby related for the first few months...and it brought us close. I trusted her and was blessed. I go back to the Sunday it all started going downhill....sitting on my couch feeling pressure while studying...and going to bed only to wake up house later wet....knowing right away my water had broke... its a bit of a blur as far as who came to be with the boys and Chad taking me to the hospital...but It's like a movie replaying in my head as they rolled me into labor and delivery and confirmed my worst fears..I would be delivering our son that night and he would not make it. They warned me that he might be born trying to breathe on his own but he was two young for them to be able to save him... Trust...it was there that I cried/screamed out to God to meet me there and in a strong way. My husband...I remember him kissing my forehead and rubbing my hand....and crying with me after Mason was born and we held him. Trust... I was not able to articulate much and it would be days before the numbness wore out but I trusted God to get me through those moments because if I didn't I wouldn't have made it. Period. So tonight it's been rough....my heart is aching for that little baby I held two years ago and said good bye to this side of eternity. I have heard several songs on the radio this week that were on his CD we played at his funeral and they suck the air out of me....I want to go see him even though I know he is not "at" the graveside...but its the closest I can get and I just want to hug him...however with all of the snow i'm afraid I won't be able to find him. Trust....I leave for Minn on the 10th..one day after his anniversay and fly coming home the 11th...quick trip in and out...but there's that word Trust...God give me trust to take this leap of faith and LET go of my fears and truly be at peace...that is so desperately what I want. So I don't know that what I'm rambled on about tonight makes a whole lot of sense but I will ask this....I will ask if you could pray for me this week specifically on Wednesday(Mason's day) and Thursday and Friday I will be flying. Please pray for peace.....for strength....and the ability to be used For his Glory. Pray that as I work more on Trusting that I will continue to be molded and let go of some of the layer's I've been clinging to.