Facing my own mortality

Hello my dear blog friends! Well I would love to say things have been quiet and boring but life has been everything but these past two weeks.  Two weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night two a sharp sensation in my leg and I jumped up in bed with sweat pouring all over the place and my ears ringing and not stopping. Poor Chad thought I was dreaming and at the time I thought I somehow twisted something in my sleep.  The odd thing was I have never pulled any muscles and had the reaction of sweat and ears ringing.  It was quite scary but once the ringing subsided I was able to eventually fall back to sleep.  Things were quite for the next week and I really didn't think about it after that.  Then last Sunday my shoulder started hurting..I had this sharp pain in my shoulder that lingered all day and that night my left side of my chest started hurting as well.  I started to get nervous and thought something was wrong with my heart but I'm stubborn and just layed down and massaged my shoulder.  Monday and Tuesday the pain stayed the same and then Tuesday night I thought for sure I was having a heart attached...the pain was ridiculous...I called the nurse on call who told me to hang up the phone and call an ambulance.  I know this sounds ridiculous and I as type this I'm shaking my head and how stubborn and irresponsible my decision was but I decided against calling the ambulance because I do not like the emergency room doctors at the hospital that was open at this time.  There are two hospitals in the town we live in and I prefer one over the other and have had some bad experience with the emergency room.  Anyhow so Tuesday night came and went and Wednesday was the final straw. I was driving home from the city (i drive 1.5 hours each way ) Wednesday evening and the pain shot all over my left and right arm...and my ears started ringing again. I was on the the phone with my mom and immediately pulled over and told her to stay on the phone with me because I thought for sure I was going to lose consciousness.  I made it home but called my family practitioner and made an appt for Thurs am.  Chad took the day off of work to be with me as he was really concerned about leaving me alone...we went to the hospital bright and early and she did an EKG and ruled out right away that there had been any damage to my heart.  I went to the labs for a series of lab work and x-rays and as we were pulling out of the parking lot she called me and told me to head over to the hospital to have a chest CT...as after reviewing everything we had just discussed she had a strong reason to believe that I had a blood clot in my lung.  I was dumbfounded and fear covered my from head to toe.  I prayed the whole drive there all while playing the morning back in my trying to remember if I had told each of the boys how much I loved them...because to be honest I thought for sure I was going to die before they figured out what was wrong with me. You see three years ago a dear friend of mine died of a blood clot and literally fell over and died instantly.  I feared that since I was dealing with these pains for multiple days that i could potentially fall over at any time.....so I cried and really had a hard time just giving it all over to God.  I wish I could have said I was at peace with everything but I wasn't.  I begged and pleaded with God to give me more time...pleaded with him to let me see the boys again to be able to give them another kiss and praying that I could go home and it would all just go away. I was thankful that the doctors got me in STAT everywhere I went that day and by the time I was done with the CT...I literally had time to go to the bathroom, Chad ran to the car to get my phone, and the doctor was on the phone confirming our worst fears..I had multiple blood clots in my lungs.  I lost it...standing in radiology...on the phone with my dr..the tears were pouring down my face and I thought I would crumble right there.  Chad and I headed back to my doctor's office and started discussing my treatment plan.  Thankfully it is something that they can get under the control.. I headed to the Treatment Convention Center shortly thereafter for my first injection of Lovenox and teaching on how to do this at home (yuck) and headed back to the lab for more blood work.  So long story short I'm taking injections of lovenox everyday, cumedin at night, and going to the hospital each day for lab work to check my INR levels.  PTL my INR levels were therapeutic today (2.7) which is great news because I was at a 1.2 yesterday.  Here's the other kicker....so we are supposed to go on our family vacation this Thursday to the Carolinas for 10 days and spend time at a beach house and relax....now with all of the this the question came up if we could even go.  It's still unknown for sure If I can go but I had a great talk with a good family friend today who is a MD and he was very encouraging in that he felt very comfortable with me going since my levels are therapeutic.  I will have to find a hospital where we are staying overnight so I can get my protime taken as well as where we are staying for the week but that seems pretty easy.  But the deciding factor will be on Wed when I meet with my doctor again.  The stubborn part of me says i'm going no matter what because we have been looking forward to this time away for a  year...I've been counting down the days until I can turn off my work email for 10 days and just be with my family and enjoy every minute together. But the realistic part of me knows that I must take care of myself and listen to what the doctors say....i know at the end of the day i want to be here for my boys for a lot longer and don't want to risk something happening while we are driving and put myself in a compromised situation.  So with all of that being said I sit here tonight with a humbled heart....many tears shed...and many hugs and kisses given the past few days. I remember walking Ky to his room last night to tuck him in and enjoying watching the back of his legs walk down the hall and climb into his bed....thankful for the opportunity to tuck him in one more time. Thankful to hear him tell me this morning that he wanted the window down so he could have air on his head..and thankful to watch Noah chase his brother around the house.  I don't know what this week will bring...I am working from home this week until I'm supposed to go on vacation.  They do not want me driving more than 20 minutes by myself just in case something happens... and I'll be honest i'm glad to be close to home this week..  Tomorrow I promise to share the wonderful things we have been experiencing this fall...the apple orchard trips, kindergarten happenings, and many wonderful home cooked meals as a family. Until then thanks for you prayers and listening to my heart.  I know it's been a few weeks since I've posted and I feel like i'm constantly posting crazing happenings but find comfort in journaling my thoughts and getting it all out.  It's also been great for me to read my past posts and see just how far God has brought me over the past two years...even through all of the challenges we have faced His love has prevailed and we have grown not only as a family in so many ways but I've grown in so many ways. Blessings!