With a Broken Hallelujah

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted last. So much has happened the past couple of weeks. My time in Texas was a true blessing. I'm still on awe of how God knew months ago when I made my plans to see my best friend, that over the months to follow, the reason for me going to see her would change. While I was there I had quiet time with him every morning and it was wonderful. Up until I went to Texas I couldn't get a prayer out...the tears would come and come...and I know the Holy Spirit knows my heart and the prayers that I want to say but it was in Texas on my morning runs that I poured my heart out to him and would listen to Mason's CD as I cooled down. It was during this time the emotions came flying but the healing process was continuing. During my time in Texas my best friend and I went to a winery, Custom Crush, which was so much fun, and went to one of our favorite places, The Melting Pot. It was wonderful to laugh, cry, and be there with her during all of it. I read a book, "Safe in the Arm of God" by John MacArthur and have been so blessed by it. I was given the homework by my counselor before I left to journal everything that happened over the week I lost Mason. I had explained to her that I couldn't get the pictures out of my head and I remembered everything with so much detail and it was that raw pain that was helping me feel close to Mason. I know that probaly doesn't make a lot of sense but that is how I felt before I left. She made a good point and said that by writing it all down I can not try and hold onto those moments so hard, in fear that I will forget him or what happened, and that I will always have my journal to turn to if I want to read about what happened over those days. I worked on my outline while I was there and read the whole book. I want to go back and read it again and write down a lot of things from the book in my journal I've started. It is truly an amazing book.

It was quite emotional coming back to Wisconson because I felt almost stressed as soon as I got off of the plane...back to my house, where I can't stop thinking about Mason, back to the town where everywhere I go things remind me of the funeral, the hospital, the cemetary, the days before, the days after....but God is moving and working and He knows all and is not moved or changed by what has happened to me. He sits in Heaven where my precious son is worshipping Him and is going to get me through this. Before I left my counselor had asked me what gift Mason gave me...and I couldn't come up with anything...because every gift I felt his life was going to bring from us, was abruptly taken from me, and in it's place was a pain I have never experienced before. It has been in these last couple of weeks that I can now say Mason has given me the gift of perserverance, motivation, and a desire for Heaven that I have never had before. Don't get me wrong I've always looked forward to being in Heaven with Jesus but since Mason died I long for Heaven...I long to be with Jesus and my baby. I mean that in a healthy way. I know God has a plan for the rest of my life on earth and I'm waiting to see what that is, and am continuing on with the grieving process, the good days and bad, but also seeking God in a way I never have before.

I just got back from running and taking a spinning class at the Y. Since I decided to drop my class this semester I have my evenings free and have turned to working out as a healthy way to deal with my grief. It has been a great outlet for me to let everything out. We even got a family membership to the Y so Chad and I can work out together. Since Mason died I feel that we have grown distant and we had a long talk about two weeks ago. We will be celebrating our five year anniversary next month. We have talked about going to Mexico for our five year anniversary since we got married, but when I found out I was pregnant we decided to wait until after he was born. When Mason died Chad brought up the idea of going somewhere, but I was unsure that I would be up for it and wouldn't be able to enjoy it. God has worked in my heart so much over these past two months and I truly believe Chad and I need to go away together and spend time reconnecting and talking. I feel that in a big way I have stopped talking to him only because I know it pains him to hear how i'm feeling and I began to feel guilty for saying the same day almost every day. Well my wonderful husband found a beautiful cabin in Tennessee that we are going to for 5 days and I can't wait. I'm so excited to spend time with him one on and one and just talk and love each other. He is truly my best friend, but I know Mason's death has distanced us in a sense and I know we need the time together to work through things. Well I need to get cleaned up since the boys just finished their baths and grab something for dinner. Thank you for all of your prayers.

Oh and Erika I love Andrew's Song! I bought Mandisa's CD this weekend and can't stop listening to it.