First day of school!

Growing up!

Today was Noah's first day of kindergarten and second day of Kylan going to a half day pre K program! Let me tell you the tears were coming and this mama needed some Kleenex.  It's amazing to think how quickly this day came...i know it sounds cliche because i remember when they were little and moms telling me the same thing and I would roll my eyes! Well it came and I wasn't ready but they were and it was a great day full of memories! This morning started off with them both getting ready, shoes, backpack, and out the door for pictures. My heart melted and I could have just stood there watching them. How I love being there mom and feel so incredibly blessed! After dropping of Ky and Chad I took Noah to Starbucks to get a coffee and juice for him...and his response "I'm going to pretend this is my coffee"..and right there we had a moment that I will always remember. And off to his school we went and I walked him up and into his classroom and he loved it! No tears went right in and was ready to have a great day...and he did but was tired! And little man...beat...fell asleep snoring within moments of being home.  And today I got to be in town for all of it and loved it!!! So glad I can work remote and let me tell you there wasn't going to be anything that would keep me from missing this awesome day! I picked up Noah and he was exhausted but so excited and pulled out his take home folder and just stared at it in the car...love it! The rest of the day went well and we put them to bed 45 minutes earlier...

Ready to go

My soldies!

Another big thing this week was my brother Mike going off to basic training! He is in ROTC and is spending the next four months at basic... He was able to come home for three weeks before shipping out and it was wonderful to have him home again, but heartbraking to say goodbye..knowing we won't be able to talk to him for a while. While I have so much else to share my eyes are slowly closing and I am going to crash as tomorrow will be a full day...BUT before I sign off here are some pics of our amazing week so far.

Brokeness

I'm not sure where to begin and I don't have a lot of time as I need to log into work and get some things done before I crash, BUT I have been wanting to give you guys an update and just share my heart.  Long story short I misscarried....and am honestly at peace. I think the main reason is that I was fearful it was a tubal pregnancy and I was bawling about having to make the decision to have surgery.  I'm not sure if that makes sense but I was at peace that I didn't have to make that choice because frankly I don't know that I could have.  While i'm sad to have miscarried I think i'm just numb...numb from the series of events over the past month...car accident, tumor that was found to be benign, and miscarriage.  Brokeness is the word our pastor used at church on Saturday and it resignanted with me.  This past month has brought me to my knees broken, tired, exhausted, in pain, and full of anxiety.  Anxiety over my job and just dealing with the stress that has continued to come with it. Chad and I were talking this past weekend and it's been a year now that I've been at corporate and I don't know that I feel that things are any better balanced than they were when I first started.  We decided that I would give it until Jan and see what happens but I know that everything that has happened this month has just added to the daily stresses...BUT God has met me and provided me with peace many times over.  He has been there as Chad and I prayed for direction on what car to get and opened the right doors for us to find the car I wanted.  He has provided direction at work this past week and while I have a lot to accomplish still this week I feel like I have a burst of energy that i haven't had in awhile. Sorry I know i'm all over tonight but when the day is over i'm thankful for the patience He has provided me with this month.  I feel like I have grown alot and for that I'm thankful.  Tomorrow will be yet another busy day but then I get to hang out with my little men and just love on them and I can't wait!!! Thank you for your prayers! I can't begin to tell you how much they mean to me. (When two or more are gathered in His name...) Blessings!

Patience, Provision, and Prayer

Tomorrow will be two weeks since the accident and how things can change in two weeks.  Two weeks ago i sat on my deck praying about provision and guidance and He answered in more ways than one.  The accident caused damage...our car totaled, my body injured, but it's also provided answers otherwise left to be seen.  Without the accident I don't know that I would have gone to the doctor for a CT.  The CT revealed the spot on my brain.  And that spot has been confirmed to be a benign tumor.  I was handling the three options pretty well up until last Saturday and I lost it.  I didn't lose it because I didn't have control, I lost it because I trusted God and if the outcome meant that I had a brain tumor that was cancerous I knew it would be for His glory. And believe me I wrestled with that one...i spent the better part of three nights in my family room praying, reading, and crying....sobbing a couple of times because the selfish part of me was thinking way far ahead and the thought of not being around with my boys and Chad frankly tore me up. But I had peace...that no matter what we would take the answers and move forward knowing He had control on this one.  SO..Monday came and the test came back great.  There is no cancer and they will do another MRI in 6 months to make sure it is not growing. As long as it is the same size they will do one once a year just to monitor it.  PTL!

I returned to work on Monday and honestly is was a rough start back and frankly the week could have ended better but I know i'm also emotional and have a lot going on right now so I'm just trying to let it go. We did go test drive several cars today and I think we have narrowed it down to a Ford Fusion. I'm really excited! I brought one home for the weekend but it's not the color that I want, but we did find several within the chicago area that have the specs I want so I think the plan is to go next Sat and negotiate for the one I decide to go with.  We are going ot keep praying about it but we both liked it the best and I'm getting excited that we are almost done with this part. Then Chad just has to find something he likes. 

God has truly used the past few weeks to speak to me and I feel like i'm growing a lot and embracing all that He is teaching me and am thankful, but I do have something else to share...something that I've been praying about sharing and feel that now would be the best time to do so. Chad and I have been talking for at least a year about whether or not to have another baby.  I have always wanted to have four...and feel that four will make our family complete, but after losing Mason part of me desperately wanted to have a another baby and the other part of me was afraid...afraid that if I lost another child I wouldn't make it through again.  And to be honest Chad shared the same concerns. Losing Mason has been the most devesating loss I've ever experienced and our marriage almost didn't make it.  I checked out for quite some time and it took a lot of love, tears, prayers, time, and God to get us to where we are today.  But on Mother's day Chad gave me the best gift and said he was ready to try again and my heart soared. It was shortly there after that I started to feel sick and had all of the symptoms of being pregnant...and I took my first test and it came back negative.  Granted I took my  first test well before it most likely would ever come up positive but I'm sure you can see the trend of impatienceness... I had a day of spotting nothing to cause concern and a little the following but that was it.  It wasn't a period and I didn't think to much of it since I had the same type of situation happen when I was pregnant with Noah.  So I waited and told Chad I wouldn't take another test until the next month...that month being this month.  I waited until four days past when I should have had my period in the event the spotting I had was part of my cycle...and again a negative test.  But this time I know something's not right.  I've been telling Chad all along..I know my body and I'm either pregnant or somethings wrong. So I called my doctor to get her insight and she asked me to take another test on Monday.  If it came back negative she wanted me to go in for blood work as a tubal pregnancy would still show up positive.  The other possibility being I'm having problems ovulating.  Chad has been nothing short of amazing as he frankly always is and I can tell he's really concerned that I might either be losing a baby or having a tubal pregnancy which wouldn't have a positive outcome.  I told him today i'm really ok but that I just want to know what is going on because it's been so hard being patient wondering, part of me getting really excited about having the signs that point to pregnancy, and the other part scared when I saw the tests come up negative. Please pray that God will cover me with peace....amd pray for my husband that he will be at peace and trust God to take care of me.

Waiting

This weekend has started off quite relaxing.  My inlaws were so kind to invite the boys over for a sleepover last night and they were thrilled.  Chad and I went out to every car dealership in town after he got out of work and looked at cars..I think we have it narrowed down to five types we like, Saturn Aura, Chevy Malibu, Saab, Acura, and Ford Fusion. I was definately exhausted from walking so much last night as I haven't been on my feet for longer than 10 minutes at any given time this week but it also was nice to just get out of the house.  I felt very anxious being in a car while Chad drove us around and have a feeling it might take me a minute to get back into the saddle.  I didn't expect that but I guess it makes sense.  We picked up a movie and came home and I was out before the dvd even made it into the player. :) I slept in until 9:00 again so not my norm and then we picked up the boys and went for a short walk.  That's been my homework from my chiro is to talk for at least 10 minutes every day to get my muscles stretched.  It was a little humid but again nice to be out of the house. The boys played in the sprinkler when we got home and I spent time journaling which was great.  Now i'm going to take a nap and then we are going to church tonight.  And as the day goes by we are waiting...waiting to find out my test results, waiting to decide which car to get, and waiting for something else to come to fruition or not. What is cracking me up about all of this waiting is that I'm still calm and at peace with it....again not my "NORM"....I'm definately your type A, firstborn, "control" freak type of girl.  I'm just chalking it up to God molding me and i'm gladly accepting it.  Right now my biggest delima is what to make for dinner because this mama does not feel like cooking.  I'm think Papa Murphy's might be helping me out in that area tonight. On a complete side/random note, I don't know if you have checked out my community on the right of my page, but I would love to get feedback from you or have you start a new discussion.  Have a great weekend and Blessings!

Thunderstorms-Prayer Please

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep, which is odd considering the meds I'm on have helped me sleep better than ever! There have been thunderstorms going on all night and while I typically don't like them one bit I've been listening to this one thinking about how God has been ever present in this "thunderstorm". From the very minute our crash happened and throughout the week He's been right there.  We have been blessed from every angle.  The police, paramedics, doctors, friends, and family have all been amazing.  I have been humbled by the kindness and love but not surprised because we have so many awesome people in our lives.  It's been the "stranger's" kindness that has been comforting especially with the hundred questions I have and repeat phone calls to my insurance agent, the person who hit me's agent, the doctors etc.  We found out late Wed evening that our explorer is totaled. The frame was beyond repair along with a list of other items.  I'm probaly repeating myself from my previous post and I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Supposedly forgetfullness is common after an accident...lol Chad spent the better half of last night looking at cars online and asking my opinion, while I'm more of a in person kind of girl and will need to test drive it to give me opinion one way or the other.  Plus I'm not a huge car girl...I loved my big SUV BUT right now I know it's smart for us to get a car with all of the miles I am putting on it with my job.  So tonight we are going to test drive a few and start making out lists of likes/dislikes.  My top criteria are: black car, sun roof, nice size trunk, great cup holders for my java, and good gas mileage.  We'll see how close we get but we are definately going to take our time on this one and pray for wisdom.  We pick up our rental this morning and the insurance co is only providing one until Wed since it has already been determined that our car it totaled. I'm a little bummed because originally she told me 10 days but I'm going to call her back on Tues and see if they can extend it a day. Today's agenda consists of getting the rental, my chiro appt, and my MRI at 2:30 CST.  If you could please pray for me I would be so thankful.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous about the MRI.  Here's what my family practictioner told me: The calcified spot could be one of three things, just a calcified spot that needs to be monitored due to size, a clump of blood vessels that are enlarged, that would need to be removed to remove the risk of me having an anerism, and the last and my least favorite is a brain tumor.  My dr told me that based on the size of the spot and location she is confident it's not a brain tumor.  I'm thankful that this spot showed up on my CT after the accident because otherwise I don't know when it would have been found but I am anxious and would like to know the results.  I think that's partially why I'm awake so early...and praying I'll be able to fall asleep again shortly. My in laws are going to watch the boys today for us and have a sleep over for them.  They are estactic and as much as my inlaws frankly often bring conflict into my life I'm thankful that they are such good grandparents and love our boys the way that they do.  This weekend we have no plans except test driving cars, church, and picking up the house and i'm glad.  It will be nice to be at home and relax for the most part. I'm hoping to try some new recipes I found in my food and wine magazine. I'll keep you posted on how they turn out.

Perfect Peace

Normally I don't post twice in one day and technically it's 15 minutes until Thursday, but I'm awake and just have the urge to write yet again.  About an hour after I posted my last post my claims adjustor called to tell me our explorer is totaled.  The normal "me" would have freaked out, not kidding, but this time I was calm and frankly just felt peace about it.  He walked me through how everything will play out and besides him sending me a few things that were forgotten in my suv we are done with that part of the process.  Tomorrow I have to take the signed tital to our agent, pick up the police report, and get a rental car.  Then Chad and I have to start looking/test driving cars.  As Chad and I talked about it tonight...part of us is bummed because the explorer was almost paid off and we were planning on getting a second car within the next month so now we are back with one vehicle but i'm excited.  I'm excited because we will be saving a ton of money on gas by having a car.  I commute 1 hr 30 min each way to work every day and we have been spending a hefty amount on gas this year.  So between that and the difference of what we won't be spending on a car payment we will be able to keep saving and saving.  I also think we'll be able to get our bathrooms remodeled sooner than planned. So tonight I'm excited to see what car we will find and most of all so thankful everything is working out.  The boys told us they wanted a red van...and this mama had to tell them no.  As much as I agree vans are practical and alot of my girfriends swear by them I don't want to drive one.  I told Chad he could when we look for his car next:)  I'm guessing he'll take a pass on it but just had to throw it out there for him. Well I think my meds are finally kicking in because i'm starting to shut my eyes...that didn't take long. Until tomorrow, or today :)

Timing-Car Accident

I just finished rereading my post from Sat and am smiling. Why? Because my boys and I were in a car accident on Sunday and normally I would be freaking out about all of the details but i'm not...I'm leaning on God and the knowledge that His plan surpasses my understanding.  Our morning started out great...Chad made us breakfast and I piled the boys in the car and off we went to the grocery store.  I normally go grocery shopping at 5am and can't stand to go during normal business hours but I decided it would be a fun trip for the boys.  As we were driving home past our favorite coffee shop a lady in front of me put her blinker on to turn into her driveway and abruptly turned. I put my foot on the brake to slow down and head a pop....that pop was a four door truck slamming into the back of our explorer...on impacted our explorer was catipulted 20 feet....my body slammed forward then back...it took me a minute to figure out that I had just been hit by another car, but immediately my adreneline kicked in and I got out to check on the boys who praise the lord were fine. Noah complained of his teeth hurting initially and besides a  bump on Ky's head they were fine.  The person who hit me called 911 and I sat back down in my car because my head hurt so bad i thought I was going to lose consciousness. Thankfully I was close to home and we have a fire station blocks down. The police, ambulance, and fire engine were onsight within two minutes.  The police officer and paramedics were great with the boys and I...I was put in a brace and taken to the hospital...the boys were taken there as well in a different vehicle..I was distraught thought because i couldn't find my phone to call Chad and I didn't want to the boys to be by themselves. They did find it and called Chad right away.  They did a Catscan at the hospital of my head and spine and thankfully there was no internal bleading or damage to my spine.  They did however find a 4mm calcified spot on my brain and I will be getting a MRI on Friday to find out what it is.  Our explorer was smashed in the back and has been towed to an auto inspection site.  I'm praying we get a call today to discuss the extent of the damamge and if it's going to be fixable or totalled.  A big part of me feels that they are going to total it.  We only had three payments left and it would have been paid off.  I know that they trade in amount that they would give us wouldn't do much other than provide a decent down payment on a new vehicle.  It makes me sad but at the same time I know God truly has his hand on all of this and no matter what the outcome is, I'm alive and so are the boys and the people who were in the other car.  At the end of the day a car is just a car and replacable.  I'm beyond thankful that our boys are ok and glad that my injuries are fixable.  I went to my regular doctor yesterday and she has switched the meds i'm on which are knocking me out but I should be able to be off the strong one by this weekend.  I saw my chiropractor today and am thankful to have resources available to help me.  Now i'm just waiting for the police report to be completed, get a rental car, and find our about our car and next steps there.  This afternoon has been the first time since Sunday that I've been out of bed to sit and do something besides sleeping and while I'm feeling groggy I'm thankful for the time to do something productive. My dear friend Dawn is coming down and bringing us dinner and me lunch today.  I'm looking forward to the company and hopefully won't fall asleep on her..lol

Our families have been nothing short of amazing and supportive.  My mom has been over every day to help with laundry, dishes, and the boys.  Chad's rents have watched the boys while i've been at my appts and all day yesterday. His dad even brought over a plant for me...which made me smile because I can't keep plants alive to save my life.  I've tried to plant some this summer and do enjoy it however I'm already on my second set of plants for the summer and these ones seem to be dying a slow death as well...lol

So as I sit hear and wait I've had a lot of time to pray and just talk to God about my concerns and my heart and truly feel at peace with whatever the outcome is.  I know He knows our needs and will take care of the muddy details i'm worried about.  I'm thankful to have a heavenly Father who is constant the same today as yesterday and knows already what is going to happen.  That brings a smile to me because I know that He is in this situation and has been since before the accident happened on Sunday.  Most of all we are safe and still a family...a blessing I don't take for granted.  If you could pray for us as we transition to whatever the outcome will be I'd really appreciate it. Blessings!