Almost a year

I get choked up just thinking about this past year and all that has happened. Next Tuesday will be a year since Mason died. It will be a year since I gave birth to my tiny little boy and buried him days later. I can't even begin to tell you just how hard it is to write those words. I wish I could stop the tears but just thinking about those moments brings back a flood of memories, memories that are often still sitting at the surface. I remember when I found out we were pregnant with Mason...I remember telling my girlfriend and then not telling anyone..I desperately wanted to wait until I made it through my first tri-mester and was thrilled when I did without any complications. As long as I live I will never forget that Sunday and coming home from church and just not feeling right. That moment of horror waking up in the middle of night knowing my water broke, and knowing that what I was about to experience is every mothers worst fear. For me it was knowing that not only was I going into pre-term labor, i knew he was too small to survive. I will never forget my precious husband by my side...holding my hand and kissing my face...I will never forgot the nurses telling me they could feel his feet and that it wouldn't be long. I will never forget holding him, his tiny body in my hands. And the list continues of those moments that are etched in my memory as if they are pictures replaying. Amongst those memories are those of people God placed in our path to help us through. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only did He not forsake me...but He held me the whole time and still does on those rough days and hours. And believe me there are still many. I'd be lying if I said my faith hasn't been tested to it's core, but in that same breath He has shown me love in a way that has brought me to my knees. He has taken every scream, and tantrum, and awful word with grace and never let go. I know it sounds cliche but it's true...I know that had He not held me up I would not be here today and it's just that simple, period. For that I am grateful. I am grateful that my Father is strong enough to handle all of my days and mold me still. I'm thankful for a husband who has stood by my side and never left...this year has challenged our marriage and there have been times where I wasn't sure we could make it, but God has made our marriage stronger. It can still be rough..this past month has been no exception. As the days get closer I know I have distanced myself and pulled back...I know because Chad's told me...even tonight. I know sooner than later I will let it all out but honestly I've just had a hard time putting words to my feelings. I miss him. I miss what we don't have and that is Mason here. I wish I could see him with his brothers...what he looks like at 3 months, 6 months...all of those mile stones...but I can't. Most days I rest in knowing that he's happy and taken care of by the same Father who takes care of me...but sometimes I wish I could just kiss him one more time.

It's been awhile

It's been a while since i've posted. I stop by at least a few times a week to check up on the blogs I follow and pray for everyone but for some reason I just haven't felt like posting. Don't get me wrong there's been plenty to write about and often I've started the blogs in my head as i'm driving only to come home and be too tired to sit down and take the time to write. The last two months have been good for the most part. We had a wonderful Christmas and I truly enjoyed the time off of work to spend with my wonderful family. The new year has started off rather busy. I was in Jersey for a few days two weeks ago and Dallas this past week and honestly I'm just glad to be home. I miss being away from the boys and don't know how I could travel every week. Today has been a wonderful lazy Saturday! We took the boys out to get some new fish as their old fish Olivia died last week. We found a dinosaur fish aquarium and they were thrilled. I wasn't planning on getting more than two goldfish but thought it was too cute to pass up. This afternoon I treated myself to a massage and am now just hanging out getting ready to make turkey tacos for dinners. Yum! I have so much to do and am hoping for some energy to I can cross some items off of my list. More to share once I get more time. God's Blessings!

Winter Wonderland!

Well winter has officially showed it's face to Wisconsin!!! It came full speed ahead with a blizzard...i'm not exactly sure how many inches we got as it hasn't stopped snowing yet but i'm pretty sure we've past 15 inches. To top that off our power went off at 7:00 this morning and Chad was already at work so he had to come back and take us to my moms...i'm hoping the power is back on when we get home. We had to take all of our groceries out to our garage to make sure they stayed warm..i didn't want to risk having all of our food go bad after I just went grocery shopping on Sunday for the next two weeks. Besides the snow we are getting ready for Christmas and enjoying the holidays for the most part. The boys are thrilled about Christmas and love looking at all of the lights as we drive through neighborhoods. We even decided to put lights up outside this year and luckily we had them up before our first snow. I don't have a whole lot of new pictures to share but will take some more soon. I'm hoping to take the boys's annual Christmas picture by the tree this weekend :)

Well gotta run and get us packed up as we are planning on heading home soon to check on our home. Keep your fingers crossed that the power is up and running!

Door County

Ever since I moved to Wisconsin I have heard so many good things about Door County Wisconsin. I've always wanted to go and haven't been able to, unless you count my thirty minute drive through a few months ago, until now. A couple of weeks ago my dear friend Jill, her mom, and I packed up and started our journey north. We started out on the unofficial wine tour 2009 part two. Excited doesn't even begin to describe how thrilled I was to embark on our trip. We had met earlier that week and planned our excursion...the plan to visit 13 wineries in two days while exploring door county. Our first stop, Cedarburg Wisconsin...Cedar Creek Winery. I LOVED IT!!! Cedarburg is the cutest town with so many adorable shops. The winery was amazing and I enjoyed listening to Jane, our hostess, share information with us about all of the wines we tried. There was also this adorable pottery shop along with many other shops in the same buidling but we weren't able to visit all of them. I did make a mental note that I want to go back and spend the day exploring this town as it is so darn cute. We headed to Vine to Cellar next but they didn't open until noon...which was unfortunate but didn't burst our bubble:) Off we went to Trout Springs. Now let me tell you how hilarious this place was. The wine was extremely sweet and I actual enjoyed trying the dryer, bold red wines more. They also had this amazing salmon patte that I wish I would have bought! The funny part was their driveway, or lack of one. Poor Jill had to park on a tilt on the side of their driveway. It was a site watching us all try to get in and out of her car. I think we were all holding our breath that the car wouldn't tip. Thankfully it didn't and from there we headed to lunch. We found this fun brewery that had great wisconsin burgers and wraps, which was perfect! After lunch we went to Ledgestone Winery, which is one of my favorite locations. The owner did a great job with the building and he has a variety of wines from all over the world, including the wines he makes. While we all decided our favorite wine was Inkberry, an amazing red Austrailian wine, my favorite part was when we were leaving and I opened the car door and went to get in the car and realized it wasn't our car. That's right I was having so much fun and laughing that I wasn't even paying attention to what car I was getting into and opened a car that wasn't even ours. I completely lost it and couldn't stop laughing...what was even funnier was that Jill and her mom were calling for me and then realized what I did. We were in histerics laughing after that. And so the memory making weekend continued. Next on our stop, Parrallel 44...a neat yellow italian looking building in the middle of a corn field in the middle of nowhere. It was at this winery that I stumbled across the first port I have ever liked. It didn't have any brandy in it and it was esquisite! We took a few more pictures and headed off towards Von Stiel Winery. I have been to this winery before and love the selection of wine they have! I'm not kidding I think they have over 30 wines to choose from. My favorite wine from this winery is a red wine called, Naughty Girl. It is fantastic with pasta, burgers, and fajitas! We finished our tasting here and headed into sturgeon bag (door county)..excited doesn't even begin to explain how thrilled I was!! We picked up Sonny's pizza, which was to die for and headed to Jill's grandmas. Her grandma was so sweet! By the time we got there it was about 5:30 and I was exhausted!! I could have so crashed but we had dinner and went to see her cousin in a play at the local high school. I really enjoy plays and was looking forward to watching the musical but as soon as we sat down I crashed and I don't mean got comfortable...I literally fell aslepp, head bobbinh in all!!! I felt horrible and tried my best to stay awake. I felt so old at that moment and was laughing inside at just hold old and tired I felt. We went back to her grandmas afterward and I was out in minutes. Sunday morning we got up and headed to Door County Coffee shop...my dream coffee!!! The flavors they have make my mouth water and it was so hard to pick two pounds. We all settled on a peanut butter mocha which was a great way to start our day. The sun was shining and the day was perfect for shopping. We found a neat candle shop more wineries and then headed in the car for a complete tour of door county. I have to say that my favorite spot was Cape Point!!! Breathtaking doesn't even begin to describe it, but the drive was so worth it. Overall the weekend was filled with laughter, great company, and wine teasting galor. I can't wait to go back with Chad and the boys and explore more. I have a feeling Door County is going to become one of those places we visit often. Here are a few pics from my weekend!

Conclusions...

Today has been a busy but peaceful day. It started off on a soccer field and was so cold we canceled the game. The kids practiced for 20 minutes but then we headed home. I got up early went to the gym and then did some Christmas shopping before the boys' game. In between running around, tricker treating, and watching a movie, I've had a lot of time to think and have come to several conclusions:

* I must workout every day! I say this because I can tell when I don't I get worked up easier, don't have a whole lot of patience, and working out is a healthy release for me.
* I have addiction tendoncies..i'm not even sure if this is the correct way of sayign what I want to, but bare with me. I come from a family that has addiction tendancies...my father and grandfather are both alcholics, my sister has an eating disorder, my brother is a recovering drug addict, and the list continues. I am very aware of these behaviors in our family and am very conscious that I too could be one step away from falling into alcohlism if i'm not careful. I've been thinking about this alot today and in looking back over the past month and a half..i went from working out at least 4 days a week to 0..when I got my cast on my foot the workouts came to a screaching halt..and with that halt came another vice if you will...eating. I have always struggled with emotionally eating....or just eating when I'm bored, but mostly it's eating when i'm upset about it and don't know/or want to feel what I'm feeling. These past 6 weeks not only have I strayed from WW (weight watchers) and tracking my points, but I have started to indulge in sweets more than I have in the past 6 months... so much so that today I decided i'm addicted to chocolate and need to just not eat it. I'm not saying this to sound funny or dramatic but I honestly know that for me I'm not good at saying I will only have one piece...one turns into two, two to four and so on. It doesn't matter if it's a cookie, brownie, ice cream...and if i'm being honest, which that is why I have this blog, I have indulged in more that one chocolate item almost every day for the past two weeks and it makes me mad. So much so that today I took the control back and decided to not have chocolate for the next 365 days. I want to see if I can do it... i don't want an item of food to hold this type of control over me and it stops today. So I made it..my first day without anything chocolate and I'm back to tracking my points and had a fantastic workout this morning! Now i know this is going to be hard for me but i'm gonig to take one day at a time and make an effort to journal (blog) my feelings more than push them down.
* I miss having parents. My mom is one of my best friends, but frankly I've parented her since I can remember. I haven't spoken to my dad in over three years and prior to that we spoke for 6 months and before that we hadn't spoken in over 2 years. I remember being a daddy's girl when I was little...I adored him and wanted to be just like him. I strived to make him proud and was intent on his every word. When I was 10 he went overseas to fight in the desert storm and came back a changed person. He became an alcohlic and as the years progressed so did his addiction and his addiction turned abusive in many ways. He went back overseas for another tour to Afg and IQ for 2 1/2 years and was wounded. We reconnected via emial while he was overseas and we began talking to each other once he got back to the states.. Unfortunately things happened and we now don't speak. Today I missed him...the dad I knew as a child. I miss having a parent to go to for advice..a parent to lean on... just something that was on my heart today.
* I adore my husband- I really do. Even when we argue over the dumbest things like, "why didnt you put the house keys on the peg by the door"... I just love him. I'm so thankful God brought him into my life.
* I miss Mason... I saw our dears friends and their son C, who would have been 3 weeks younger than Mason...and my heart wept. I wonder what he would have looked like at 3 months, whose temperment he would have... I just miss him.
* I love Sundays...it our day of rest and I try really hard not to do a whole lot and just look forward to them.

We took the boys out for Halloween and went to several friends/family so they could see them dressed up. It was a lot of fun, but I know understand why mom's often get minivans! I still don't want one but appreciate them a little more after jumping in and out of the explorer today. The boys crashed once we got home and Chad and I watched the movie Duplicity. I really liked it but had a hard time following it and was completely thrown off by the ending. I'm going to have to watch it again and pick up what I missed. Now i'm ready to finally crash! I couldn't about an hour ago and thought I'd write a bit and it seems to have calmed my busy brain down. Here are a fews pics from tonight.

Surprise party and flu all in the same week!

So my honey turned the big 30 on Sunday! I have been planning a surprise party for him for the past two months and it turned out great! All of our family came and we had a lot of laughs. Chad has always liked Star Wars, and I just don't, but I wanted his party to have all of his favorites so the theme was Star Wars! I bought Lego Star Wars shirts for the boys to wear, Had a life size cardboard cutout of Darth Vader, Star Wars balloons, etc. His sister picked him up for lunch and that is when everyone came and we set up the party. Everyone parked a street over so when he came home and we yelled surprise you could tell he was in shock! IT was perfect!! Chad is my biggest supporter and deserved to have a day to celebrate him. I'll post pics soon. Monday we both took off work and spent the day shopping and just hanging out. It was great to just talk, laugh, and be together. I even made a dent in my Christmas shopping. Most of all I just enjoyed our conversations. We always have such a wonderful time talking whenever we go out and Monday was no exception. However on the way home from IL I started to feel horrible, feverish, dizzy, and not right at all. And that carried over to Tues, Wed, and today. I have had a horrible headache, fever, problems breathing, aches, you name it. I talked to a triage nurse who said I have upper respitory influenza. I had to laugh...only because I really just need a break from the craziness of hospitals. I did work from home yesterday but took today off and have couched it all day. I have been a complete tube head and slept a lot. I'm feeling a little better tonight and haven't had a fever today which is great! I'm hoping I feel good enough to go to work in Chitown tomorrow as I have a big project to complete for next week. On another fun note, we found the cutest dinosaur costumes for the boys!!! I can't wait to post pics. They look so darn cute. T, who watches them, made trail mix with them today and had a costume parade. I can't wait to see pics. They just love dressing up like dinosaurs! We are going to get professional pics done in two weeks and I might just have to have them take a couple of shots with them in their costumes. I'm planning on giving pictures of them framed to the grandparents and aunts and uncle for Christmas this year. I can't believe I'm already talking about Christmas. Where did the year go? That's all that's going on around here this week. Have a blessed day!

Catching up!

It's been a busy couple of weeks! We were in Chicago two weeks ago for the Chicago marathon and that was a blast! My sister Ash ran in it and we were so excited to be there to support her. We stayed at a friend's loft downtown and it was perfect! There was 6 of us there to watch her and we had a lot of fun making our way around the city. My aunt and cousins came up from the burbs and we got to do lunch and some shopping with them which was a blast!

Last week i went to Greenville for the day and that was fun! I got to fly on the corporate jet which was an experience. I felt like a little kid and couldn't sleep the night before because i was so excited. Greenville was warm but I didn't get to see much of the city since I was in meetings all day.

This weekend my hubby turns the big 30! I have been planning a surprise party for him with our families and a surprise dinner in two weeks with our close friends and can't wait to see the look of surprise on his face! He loves Star Wars and I don't so I thought it would be perfect to have a Star Wars theme for his 30th! I bought the cutest Lego star wars shirts for the boys to wear and all kinds of decor for the house! It should be a fun filled day and we have tomorrow of to spend time together which will be so nice.

Right now i'm just enjoying the last bit of fall before it starts snowing! I'm hoping to make some pumpkin scones today and find my favorite pumpkin for decoration! I got it at an apple orchard last year and packed it away some place good! We took the boys to a pumpkin farm yesterday and had a wonderful time picking out their pumpkins and carving them at home. I never carved pumpkins when I was little so it was a whole new experience! Overall the past couple of weeks have been so busy but fun. We are busy straight through Thanksgiving but with so many fun things to do. I love spending time with our family and friends and making memories as we go. Above are a few pics from the past few weeks that I thought you would enjoy!