While I'm Waiting I Will Serve You...

It's seems like forever since I have posted and I've missed the opportunity to share what's going on with you, but the past couple of weeks have been a whirl wind. I'll warn you that this post will be all over, but I'm excited to share with you what God is doing.

Mother's Day this year was one filled with much anticipation/panic. Let me start by saying that I'm incredibly blessed to have two amazing boys at home. This year I hugged them so hard they probaly thought I wasn't going to let go. But with Mason's death three months ago, I also thought that it would be a hard/bittersweet day. The week before Mother's Day I started having panic attacks almost every day and I know the source of it was I wasn't sure how Mother's Day was going to be. I remember the night before Mother's Day Chad was out with a friend and my little sister was over at our home and I called him in the middle of his dinner and asked him to come pick her up and take her home because I was losing it and didn't want her to see my upset. I was dreading the next day at that point. I woke up on Mother's Day and went for a long run, and listened to my "mason cds" as I like to call them which God has truly spoken to me through. I hadn't been to church in three weeks, mostly because of our schedules but also because I can't seem to get through a service without bawling my eyes out. As I finished my run and was getting in my car, my sister Ashley called, and asked if I was planning on going to church. At that point I wasn't, but she said we were having a guest speaker, and that she heard her at Saturday night's service and really thought I would get a lot from her. Below is the link to our church's website and her sermon. The Holy Spirit moved me and I raced home to wake up Chad and the boys and we were out the door in a record 40 minutes for church.

http://www.mycentralwired.com/mediablog/?p=297

My sister was right, God knew I needed to her what she had to say and the Holy Spirit moved me and while I was sitting in church I felt lead to speak to our pastor and speak to our congregation about Mason and my story. I haven't talked to Him yet as I know I'm not ready to speak just yet, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is healing my heart and I want more than anything to share what He has tought me through this journey.

At the end of the service, I had a mess of kleenex in my lap, and my sister hugged me and prayed over me. This mother's day my arms felt heavy and ached for my baby that I will not hold again for a very long time. The tears poured as I remembered the two precious days I had to hold him.....the two days that seemed so long but really were too short. We left church and took the boys to my girlfriend's house and Chad and I went to visit Mason at the cemetary. It was the first time Chad had gone with me to visit Mason since we buried him and it was very special, but so hard. We then went and picked up the boys and had lunch at home. After we put the boys down for their nap, Chad gave me my mother's day gift. I opened the box and pulled out a Willow Tree box, that said "Loved so loved" on the outside and when I opened there was a box inside with a mother holding a baby, and it opens with the same inscriptin inside. My wonderful husband found this precious memory box that he thought would be perfect for Mason's braclet and other things I have of his from the hospital and funeral. I lost it right there at the table. Chad was concerned that I might not like it and said I could return it, but it was perfect and it touched my heart that he came across this all on his own. The rest of the afternoon went well. The boys woke up and we played and had a wonderful dinner. It was a hard day but bittersweet and God held my hand through the whole thing, and I don't say that lightly.

Our anniversary was on May 22nd....5 years. We went away to Pigeon Forge Tenn. for a week and rented a cabin. It was truly wonderful and a blessing! Chad and I truly needed the time to be together, just the two of us, and we were blessed by each day shared. Above are a few pictures from our trip. We hiked two different trails in the Smoky Mountains, went to five wineries, had a blast in the cabin just hanging out, did some shopping, alot of talking, laughing, crying, and reflecting. Overall we walked away from that trip closer and really worked through/talked about Mason and the things that have happened since he died. I'm blessed to have a husband that loves me unconditionally and has been so patient and had not gotten tired of being supportive or listening to how I'm doing. I know the loss of our son has been different for him than I and when I say that I mean that Chad has grieved the loss of Mason, and while he too misses him, he has been able to pick back up and continue on without the struggles that I'm having. That being said I know that my bond with Mason was so different because I carried him and I don't fault Chad one bit, but sometimes I feel like I should be at a certain part in the grieving process, but am then reminded that there is no timeline for what I'm gonig through but that the grieving process does evolve and I will never stop grieving the loss of Mason, but my bad days will get less, and even years from now i'm sure I'll have moments that are hard, but God is the God of healing and I trust that He will continue to be my stronghold.

Now i'm speeding up to today...Memorial Day...It's been a hard day...I woke up early and went for a run which I'm finding has been so therapuetic for me. I then came home and cleaned up a bit and then my mom and I went to visit Mason together. She has been wanting to go with me since the funeral but alot of times when I go I just like to be by myself. It was wonderful having her there with me and we had a good couple of hours afterwards together. I went home and took a nap with the boys while Chad helped moved some couches to my mom's new place and then got up, made banana bread, playdough with the boys, and some yummy orange chicken from Trader Joe's for dinner. After dinner I continued my spring cleaning that I have been working on since we got back on Friday. I then ran to my mom's to drop some things off and now here I am with my glass of wine reflecting on everything. I so wish I had a couple of hours were I could share so much more about the past few weeks, but I made a goal today to put aside an hour every night and stop and blog, pray, read scripture, and read one of my books I got after Mason died. I want to do all of these things daily, but am notorious to sticking to my routine and it never fails that my quiet time often gets bumped because i'm so busy getting something ready for the next day. While in Tennesse God really put it on my heart to spend more time in the word and in prayer. I found a really neat prayer journal and will share the link to the website tomorrow.

That's it for now but I have some cute pictures of the boys that I will share tomorrow. God Bless!

Moving and Chicken Parmesan

Well it's 10:00 exactly and i'm wide awake...most likely because I took a long nap this afternoon, but it was so worth it! My mom and sisters (who still live at home)...i'm the oldest of 6..my youngest sister Jess is 11, moved this weekend. She has been living in a townhouse/1 of 16 that are connected for the past 6 years and God's timing was perfect and she just moved into the duplex on of my dear friends Amy moved out of last month. We've been wanting her to move for some time now but God has this duplex waiting for her and everything worked out perfect. The landlord repainted the whole duplex and put new carpeting in for her, not to mention it is so darn cute and will be perfect for her and two of my sisters. Now came the fun part...moving. Friday was gorgeous here so I left work at 2:00 and my friend, M, met me and we started taking truckloads over to her new place. Did I mention that it is less than a mile from her old to her new place? That was awesome! With my explorer and my mom's truck we took 6 loads over which was a great start. She rented a U-Haul for Sat...but bad weathe was supposed to come (and it did..! ). My Grams flew in last Tuesday from SC to help my mom pack and she has been such a blessing. She is 80 but is the busiest woman I know and still runs circles around us. Saturday M and I were supposed to participate in a race but it was lightening and storming...we drove to Madison for the race but never made it to the start line due to the weather...instead we hit the mall, my favorite running shoe store, Barnes and Nobles, and Trader Joe's. I've never been to Trader Joe's before and have wanted to go for years...and now am in love with it!!! So we hit those stores quick and drove all the way back to my mom's and continued the moving process. My wonderful husband was most of the muscle, besides one of my brother's friends who came by and helped for hours. What a blessing he was. We finished unloading the second load off of the uhaul at 5:00 and returned the truck at 6:00...and then ordered amazing chinese food. :) We were all excited to have my mom moved in but of course the unpacking process, and cleaning the old place still need to be done by this coming Friday. M watched the boys for us on Sat and we picked them up at 6 and brought them back to my mom's while Chad put all of the bed's together for my mom. We left her place at 9:00 and while I intended to go back and help my energy was gone by the time we got home. I decided to crash and was up early as always and back at her place by 6:45. We got a lot done today and I left there around noon and spent the rest of the day with the family. I took a long nap when the boys did and then watched golf for a bit when I woke up. I finally got my second wind and did laundry, filed paperwork, did dishes and made Chicken Parmesan and garlic bread with wine for dinner....it was amazing!!!!

I also worked on organizing my scrapbook room which has become a storage room of sorts with several of my projects that I want to do but haven't started and still has my carry on from my trip to Texas with my journal that I started on that trip. I know I need to get back to writing and finish my timeline that I want to complete and continue reading the books I bought. While this weekend was a good one in many ways, this past week was a rather rough one for me. Chad picked up on it right away and I got quite depressed on Wed and didn't think I was going to be able to stay at work because I couldn't get the tears to stop. I've been working out six days a week and that seems to be helping, but then this week I just got frustrated and felt like I was back to square one. I think that is what is the hardest part for me....my life will never be the same and I keep thinking it will at some point get back to "normal". I get frustrated with my rough days and think I expect to much of myself but as Wendy (my counselor) reminds me...i've lost a child...I lost my son...it just isn't going to go away...I can't fix it...I can only embrace this process, trust God, grieve.....and take one day, one hour at a time. Chad and I were talking about all of this one the way home from work on Wed and I told him what's been the hardest part is that when Mason died I lost "control" of my life....the false sense of control I so strongly try to hold onto. I know God is teaching me to let go of that and grasp on to Him and let Him carry me...and I am, but it hasn't been easy. I've always known He is there and have no problem letting him control many areas of my life, but then there are certain areas of my life that I know I hold onto for dear life and I believe with all of my heart that losing Mason is teaching me so many things and one of the main ones is that I don't have true control of my life. Yes, I have choices and have control over them and I might try and control a situation, but only God knows what tomorrow and the next is going to bring and I need to let Him have all of me...and let go of this false sense of control that I have been holding on to for so long. Even as I type this I'm in awe of what he is teaching me every day...little by little...He has my full attention and while I still don't understand and continue to ache for my baby...I am resting safe in the arms of God, and letting Him carry me. I'm struggling, I'm having better days, some really bad ones, moments that bring waves of tears, moments of joy with my family and friends, but He's still holding on to me and i'm not letting go or turning back. I will not let Satan win....I will continue to Praise Him in this Storm as so rightfully said by Casting Crowns. This is my Storm and I pray that I will grow as a woman of God and be used by Him for whatever His purpose is. I know right now I need to be in the word and be in prayer daily and I need to listen. I'm good at talking and not always listening, but right now i'm listening, praying, and waiting.

I know this post is all over the place but it feels good to share everything... Please let me know how I can pray for you. I'd be honored to do so.

Galena

One of my best friends turns thirty tomorrow. We've both been through a lot these last few months and I thought it would be a nice surprise for her to take her on a day trip....destination unknown to her. I've never been to Galena, IL but a girlfriend I work with has and raves about it...especially Galena Cellars...an amazing winery. So Galena was my destination and slowly my plan fell into place. I told M to be ready by 7am yesterday....and the day begin. Let me begin by saying that M is NOT a morning person...but I am and wanted to get an early start because it is a little over 2 hours to Galena. I made blueberry scones the night before and picked up hot chocolate for her. I met her at the door with camera in tow and gave her, her first gift. Two more are to follow this week... We got to Galena...which is a small town, but Main street is full of amazing shops and restaurants. We started at Galena Cellars and tasted 12 wines....fortunately/unfortunately I liked 11 of the 12 and knew my husband would have a heart attack if I came home with 11 bottles of wine especially since I just brought home 4 bottles on Friday after visiting a local winery. So M and I decided to each pick out 3 bottles (different ones) and we made a pack to drink the bottles with each other. Plus we decided while we were there that it would be a great Mother's day gift for our moms, so it looks like we'll be going back the end of June. After the winery we went and visited all of the amazing shops and loved them!!! We ate lunch at this place called Durty Gurtz and it was awesome!!!!! The funny part was while we were driving home I thought we were both going to start falling asleep because it started to rain.....so we whipped out some white cheddar popcorn that we got from this amazing popcorn shop and ate half the bag just to try and wake us up..it worked for about 20 minutes. I was planning on making chicken parmesan over wheat penne for dinner but after I took the wrong turn and got us lost for 40 minutes we opted for pizza hut and wine:) I crashed on the couch in the media room at 6:30 and didn't wake up until Chad moved me to go to bed.

While yesterday was amazing I felt horribly sick today. I've been back on Weight Watchers since the week after Mason died and my body has detoxed so eating all of that unhealthy food made me feel horrible. I left work at 9:30 this morning and came home and slept for five hours straight...I think for many reasons I just needed it. I went to spinning class tonight and a run and was back to my healthy routine food wise and feel so much better tonight.

It was fun to make new memories with M, laugh, try some new wine, and get a way for a bit.

As I sit here tonight it feels good to work out and get my feelings out in a healthy way...but as I sit here I miss Mason...I miss my baby...

With a Broken Hallelujah

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted last. So much has happened the past couple of weeks. My time in Texas was a true blessing. I'm still on awe of how God knew months ago when I made my plans to see my best friend, that over the months to follow, the reason for me going to see her would change. While I was there I had quiet time with him every morning and it was wonderful. Up until I went to Texas I couldn't get a prayer out...the tears would come and come...and I know the Holy Spirit knows my heart and the prayers that I want to say but it was in Texas on my morning runs that I poured my heart out to him and would listen to Mason's CD as I cooled down. It was during this time the emotions came flying but the healing process was continuing. During my time in Texas my best friend and I went to a winery, Custom Crush, which was so much fun, and went to one of our favorite places, The Melting Pot. It was wonderful to laugh, cry, and be there with her during all of it. I read a book, "Safe in the Arm of God" by John MacArthur and have been so blessed by it. I was given the homework by my counselor before I left to journal everything that happened over the week I lost Mason. I had explained to her that I couldn't get the pictures out of my head and I remembered everything with so much detail and it was that raw pain that was helping me feel close to Mason. I know that probaly doesn't make a lot of sense but that is how I felt before I left. She made a good point and said that by writing it all down I can not try and hold onto those moments so hard, in fear that I will forget him or what happened, and that I will always have my journal to turn to if I want to read about what happened over those days. I worked on my outline while I was there and read the whole book. I want to go back and read it again and write down a lot of things from the book in my journal I've started. It is truly an amazing book.

It was quite emotional coming back to Wisconson because I felt almost stressed as soon as I got off of the plane...back to my house, where I can't stop thinking about Mason, back to the town where everywhere I go things remind me of the funeral, the hospital, the cemetary, the days before, the days after....but God is moving and working and He knows all and is not moved or changed by what has happened to me. He sits in Heaven where my precious son is worshipping Him and is going to get me through this. Before I left my counselor had asked me what gift Mason gave me...and I couldn't come up with anything...because every gift I felt his life was going to bring from us, was abruptly taken from me, and in it's place was a pain I have never experienced before. It has been in these last couple of weeks that I can now say Mason has given me the gift of perserverance, motivation, and a desire for Heaven that I have never had before. Don't get me wrong I've always looked forward to being in Heaven with Jesus but since Mason died I long for Heaven...I long to be with Jesus and my baby. I mean that in a healthy way. I know God has a plan for the rest of my life on earth and I'm waiting to see what that is, and am continuing on with the grieving process, the good days and bad, but also seeking God in a way I never have before.

I just got back from running and taking a spinning class at the Y. Since I decided to drop my class this semester I have my evenings free and have turned to working out as a healthy way to deal with my grief. It has been a great outlet for me to let everything out. We even got a family membership to the Y so Chad and I can work out together. Since Mason died I feel that we have grown distant and we had a long talk about two weeks ago. We will be celebrating our five year anniversary next month. We have talked about going to Mexico for our five year anniversary since we got married, but when I found out I was pregnant we decided to wait until after he was born. When Mason died Chad brought up the idea of going somewhere, but I was unsure that I would be up for it and wouldn't be able to enjoy it. God has worked in my heart so much over these past two months and I truly believe Chad and I need to go away together and spend time reconnecting and talking. I feel that in a big way I have stopped talking to him only because I know it pains him to hear how i'm feeling and I began to feel guilty for saying the same day almost every day. Well my wonderful husband found a beautiful cabin in Tennessee that we are going to for 5 days and I can't wait. I'm so excited to spend time with him one on and one and just talk and love each other. He is truly my best friend, but I know Mason's death has distanced us in a sense and I know we need the time together to work through things. Well I need to get cleaned up since the boys just finished their baths and grab something for dinner. Thank you for all of your prayers.

Oh and Erika I love Andrew's Song! I bought Mandisa's CD this weekend and can't stop listening to it.

Texas and Healing

It's been another long week, but this weekend was actually really good. I had another session with W on Thursday and it was my first one since Mason died that I didn't need a kleenex. She says that as an outsider looking in, she can tell i'm processing things and moving through the grief process, and this weekend I had to agree with her. My heart is still aching, but I'm also leaning on God in a way I never have before. He is giving me strength hour by hour and this weekend was actually a good one. I had a wonderful time with our boys and my hubby. We took Noah and Ky and bought Noah a new bike and helmets for both boys. We took them to lunch and then after their naps went on a walk with them while they road their bikes. It was a lot of fun. I've also been doing a lot of reading, in the Bible and from the stack of books I ordered online. The book I am reading right now is called, "Safe in the arms of God" by John MacArthur and it's really amazing. One of the sentences that stuck out to me the past couple of days is, "The first and foremost things we can conclude with certainty about a child is this: Every child conceived is a God-created and God-loved person with a God-given purpose and destiny. Let your comfort begin with the truth. God created your child. God loved your child and continues to love your child. God's purpose and destiny for your child are fulfilled perfectly, even if the child dies. The reality of that is beyond anything you can know fully this side of heaven." These couple of sentences have brought me a lot of comfort. Mason didn't get to come home with us from the hospital, but he went Home and is being loved. God had a plan for Mason, it just wasn't at home with us. Mason was created in my womb and is now being used by God. The same God who loves me unconditionally and continues to stand by my side as I have my good days and bad, my days where I can't pray, and my days when I can't stop talking to him. He's there with me every Sunday as I go see my baby, and he's there with me as I'm working out like a crazy person trying to push all of the feelings out. Most importantly Mason is experiencing something I won't for hopefully a long time, but he is safe, healthy, loved, and as I imagine dancing up there with the angels. I can't even imagine what his "typical day" must be like, but today I find comfort, true comfort, in knowing he is being held by the same God who is holding me and I have to trust Him, because while there are so many things I don't understand, I will not let Satan win this time. I give God all the glory for helping me each day and teaching me something new as I go through this journey.

I will be leaving tomorrow to go to Texas for five days to see my best friend Carmen and I can't wait. We planned the trip two months ago, because she is moving this summer and I knew I wouldn't be able to travel in my third trimester. Little did I know then that God had another reason for me going, but the timing is just right. I'm looking forward to sleeping, reading, and hanging out with my best friend. I'm looking forward to getting away from here for a couple of days and trying to relax. I am going to miss my boys like crazy though. I've never been away from them for this long. I went and bought gifts for them for each day i'm gone and put them in their own special bag and wrote them a note attached to each bag that has the day of the week on it, so Chad can read it to them when they get home. I told them last night mommy was going to go on an airplane in a couple of days and Ky said, " Mommy no..you have to stay home"...his little lip turned down. How I wanted to cancel my trip right then, but I know they will be loved and have a good time with their daddy and all of our family while I am gone. Chad's taking Friday off of work to do something fun with them and I can't wait to hear about what they did. I'm mostly nervous about the plan ride as I do not like to fly, but again just trusting that I need to go on this trip and God will protect me. Well that's my heart this early morning...couldn't sleep and wanted to order some pillows from ZGAllerie for my friend but of course couldn't find her address. So I thought I would check in with all of you and drop a quick note before the day begins.

In my last post I was writing about Laura Story's song Mighty to Save and how last week I heard the line, "He can move the mountains" and last Monday I broke down because I was screaming, "Why couldn't he save my baby?"....this morning I now say..." He can move the mountains and He can get me through this". For it is by his Grace that I am healing.

Exhausted

My heart is feeling overwhelmed right now. Sundays and Mondays have tended to be the hardest days since Mason died. Sunday was when everything started and Monday was when he was born. Sundays have also become the day I go to the cemetary to spend some quiet time with him. Here is what I'm struggling with right now. I never wanted this to be my story. Up until four weeks ago I was a mom to two beautiful boys, pregnant with our third, and blessed with an amazing husband and life. Now i'm still blessed with everything previously stated except now i'm a mom to two boys at home and one in heaven. While I know it should give me peace in my heart knowing he is with God, and in my head it does, but in my heart I want Mason here!!! I want him here.....I want him to still be in my womb...I want to be experiencing everything a mother does in her third trimester. I didn't want my story to be this...to be going to see a counselor twice a week to try and work through this process called grief, I didn't want to take medicine to help me with the anxiety I feel doing simple things, or to read these books I've ordered online to try and grasp onto some sort of healing. I didn't want this to be my story and now it is.....and that makes angry. I only got to hold Mason for two short days......and even in that he wasn't breathing...i held baby lifeless....but I got to hold him and that is what I want. My counselor, W, asked if I had given this all to God, if I had surrended Mason to Him, if I had let him go....and you know I've thought about that alot since my last session and my answer is no. I'm just not ready to let him go. I haven't been able to sing songs at church....still haven't been able to pray or have a talk with God....believe me i've started it in my head a dozen time and know I need to get a kleenex box and just do it. I know He loves me and I love him....but I can't seem to do it yet. Today my dear friend Michelle found out they were having a boy. She was three weeks behind me and we had our whole maternity leave planned out together. We were going to join weight watchers again after we gave birth, go on walks together with the babies, and share in our special time together. Now it's just here and while I was so excited for her to here what they were having I broke down in my car afterwards because I still want my Mason here. I then went back to my office and was listening to the radio and Laura Story's song, Mighty to Save came on, which I love, but when it got to the verse that says, He can move the mountains....I started crying, because I do believe, but why couldn't he intervine on our behalf and let Mason be ok....why didn't he? I know he didn't take Mason from me but why couldn't he heal him and make him ok? Why did that cord have to wrap around his neck? Why am I now sitting here with an empty womb, a broken heart, and barely making it through the day, except for the 8 hours of numbness I go into the minute I hit work, so that I don't have constant meltdowns? I know what I'm experiencing is grief and i've been told it will get better......but right now I just am screaming inside..."Why me"..."Why my baby".....and I know there is no answer. I know I will see Mason again, but right now it feels like an eternity. Tonight I sit here trying to figure out what marker to put on his grave.....What Marker.....When a little over a month ago I was trying to decide what crib and dresser to put in his nursery...what theme to go with.....What pump I wanted to buy. Now I get to decide which marker we want on his grave and honestly I don't like any of them....probaly because I don't want to have to pick one. I truly truly appreciate your prayers and appreciate you listening to what I have to say...even if it doesn't make sense.

Sundays...

Today was my second time going to church since giving birth to Mason. I tried going the first two weeks after I had him but broke down on the way and we ended up turning around. Last week was my first week back and quite honestly I bawled almost the whole service. Our pastor, david is amazing and came up and prayed with Chad and I during worship. David just started a series on Habukkak and of course it fits perfectly with what we are going through. Habukkak asked God why and in his series David is addressing many of our Why questions and where God fits into all of it. Wow...its quite the series to come back to though I know it's no coincidence. We weren't planning on going today...with the time change I knew it would be hard to get the boys up and ready and honestly I was just so wiped out last night I didn't think I'd be able to make it. But I got up and went by myself...Chad and the boys were still tired and I like to go to our 9:00 service. I'm glad I went, but it was hard. During worship they sang "Lead Me to the Cross"..which is one of the songs we had played at Mason's funeral and the tears just came.... Because that is where I need to be...at the foot of the cross....but my heart is so heavy and i'm just struggling with talking to Him. I know He can handle whatever I have to say but it's just forming the words....that i'm struggling with. I know I need His strength right now...I need my Abba Daddy....He alone has to carry me....because I can't and even though my husband is trying his hardest to be strong for all of us....he can't heal my heart.

Sundays have become my day to go see Mason and in the afternoon, while the boys are napping, I've gone for a drive to visit my baby. The dirt still fresh on top of his grave....a small mound where my baby lies...not in the crib, or basinet next to my bed....and it hurts... because that's where I want him. I still want to feel him kick inside of me...I want to go to my appointment tomorrow and hear his little heart beat....I want him. I want to talk about Mason in the present tense....I love that name and I was so excited to use it....and I will never get to use it how I wanted. I keep thinking about who he would of looked more like and so many other things. My brain just won't stop and everything I see/ and everywhere I go all my thoughts go back to where I am at now...and that's pain, loss, fear that I can't get through this, sadness, and anger.

I went online last night and ordered seven books that I got from Stacey's website and a couple that I found my own... I have two appts this week to talk to my counselor to just talk.....
One of the hardest things I'm struggling with is the fact that the pain isn't going away and each day isn't getting easier. In the past i've been able to deal with big things and I've gone to counseling...talked about it, worked through it, and then shut it off. I've always felt God has helped me overcome so much in life and He has used my experiences to witness to others, and I've been able to share my testimony with others and be used. This time...I can't shut it off, I don't know how many counseling sessions, books, talks with God, goods crys, or anything else it is going to take for me to be at a place where I feel peace. I'm not sure I'm making any sense. Please don't get me wrong. I'm at peace with where Mason is right now, and honestly even though I want him here I would not take him away from where he is because I know he will never feel pain and he is with the one who created us, and how selfish me to want to take him away from that. I don't have questions to be answered... I don't question God..I know He didn't do this to me...to us...I know he crys with me... But I'm not at peace with the pain I feel. I'm not at peace with the loss, or the ache in my heart that keeps waking me up. It's so hard just to be at home because it is here this very same spot that I sit and type that I dreamt of his nursery, and so much more. So much more, and it's here that I think about him and the picture frames I wanted to fill. I wanted to fill my home with him. Right next to his brothers' room is where he would sleep during the day and next to our bed at night.

I thank you for your prayers and kind words. I know it's no mistake I started this blog months ago. I've never been the person to look at blogs, let alone have one, but I see now that I've needed to be able to type and this has been a way for me to do so, and meet sweet people along the way. God planted each of you in my life for a reason. If you could pray specifically for me, I'd appreciate prayers regarding work. The mornings tend to be the hardest for me and I struggle not to cry as soon as I get to work. I've always loved what I do and have a passion for what needs to be done, but right now I dread it. I dread talking to everyone and answering the, "how are you doing today" question. I know everyone means well and i'm blessed to work with amazing people who truly care about me and my family, but my answer hasn't changed and I feel bad answering horrible every time. I don't mind my family and friends seeing me vulnerable and raw, but I struggle with bring that into my workplace. I'm not sure that makes much sense, but i've just had a lot of anxiety being there, and anxiety isn't something I've ever experienced until Mason's death. Well, I'm going to stop here and go spend some time with the boys before they go to bed.