Family Time!

There is nothing more I enjoy doing than spending time with Chad and the boys. When Friday gets around I can't leave my office in the city fast enough. This week was no exception, but I was actually able to head out to my car at 3:00. This is a rarity and I'll take it! Chad is indecisive and I'm usually laid back about dinner plans unless there is something specific that I want. We spent a good 20 minutes talking while I was driving deciding if we wanted to eat in or go out as a family. As I pulled off the interstate and was almost home, Chad called and suggested we go out on a dinner date just the two of us. I was so excited! We had a wonderful time talking, catching up on our work week, and deciding what we wanted to do Sat and Sun. After dinner he went to his parents to play games with the boys and his sister, and I headed over to my girlfriend Mich's house for a wine night. I was able to love on her little man C for a few minutes before he went to bed and then the girl time started. Usually once a month we enjoy our wine nights...we both LOVE red wine (she and I went to Napa last year) and enjoy opening a bottle and talking for hours! We usually end up talking until the wee hours of the morning and usually stop around 2am for a mac and cheese snack or hummus and wheat thins. I am blessed...truly. Opening up to my friends has always been hard but Mich is the first person here that I've been able to do just that. And it's been a blessing. I often refer to her as my "person". She knows me through and through and I know that I can trust her with my deepest thoughts and fears. This Friday though we were both exhausted from busy work weeks so we made it until 10:30 and then I crashed in the mimi suite. :) I got up at 5:00 am which is my norm and headed home. The boys were supposed to have a soccer game but due to the cold weather and rain it was canceled...I actually smiled for a minute at the thought of "sleeping in". We woke up and I made a nice breakfast and we had a great time just chatting with the boys. I headed to the spa for a much needed massage and Chad got the boys ready for the day. We have mysteriously lost four of there sweatshirts and I have no idea how!!! That being said I was determined to find them or buy new ones this weekend....so we headed out to one of my favorite outlets and did some shopping. The boys were great and had fun picking out new shoes and a pair of crocs. They just love crocs! I'm pretty sure I spent almost as much on the croc charms as I did the shoes but its a special treat for them. I found a couple cute tops at Ann Taylors and our trip woulnd't be complete without a stop at Harry & David's for truffles...dangerous I know. By the time we finished shopping it was almost six and we were starving as we skipped lunch since we have a late breakfast. Chad has been wanting a good pizza...and we decided to stop by this famous hidden pizza shop that isn't far from our home. We've never been there before but it was on the food channel a couple of years ago. And it is beyond AMAZING!!! The pizza reminded me of my favorite Chicago style pizza...fresh ingredients, sauce was amazing, and the wine that they offered to pair with it was out of this world. The owners were so kind..they forgot out cheese bread and made thin crust instead of thick, but we LOVED the thin and they gave us free cheesecake slices to go..yum! I can't wait to go back and know that we will become frequent customers as I don't know that I will want to buy any other pizza moving forward. :) The boys asked to ice cream all day so we ended our fun day out with a trip to Cold Stone...and enjoyed ice cream galor. I LOVE their mud pic mojo....ahh coffee ice cream...yes please. The boys piled into bed when we got home and Chad and I watched the movie Dear John. I am a huge fan of Channing Tatum's and wanted to watch the movie when it came out years ago but after reading the last page of the book prior to the movie coming up decided i wasn't going to read the book or watch the movie. It just so happened to be on TV last night and we watched it and I loved it! It was so much better than I thought it would be and the ending was better then I thought. I thought it would end saddly which is why I didn't want to watch it to begin with. I was pleantly suprised. Which brings us to Sunday. I slept in and we missed church, but we've enjoyed a pj morning. The boys are playing video games with Chad while I spend some time blogging...then I'm heading to Zumba (first time post broken foot) and then I'm not sure what we are going to do. And i'm excited to not have any defined plans. I want to upload all of the pictures from my camera but it seems our home laptop if having memory issues...so that will part of Chad's afternoon project. :) Fixing it and then one more thing off of my list. Once my pics are uploaded I'll be back to share. :) Blessings!

The best mama

This weekend was amazing...the weather was gorgeous~! We spent almost the entire weekend outside as a family. We took the boys mini golfing yesterday afternoon and I spent time playing around the world with Noah while Chad and Ky played football. We grilled out and made homemade sundaes. The best part was when I made breakfast Noah walked by and said "You are the best mama"...and my heart melted. Then last night we all had our ice cream bowls and were cuddling watching Chopped and Noah says " You are still the best mama" and I teared up. I want them to think that...I want them to know that I love them more than words can express. But often I struggle with the balance of being a business woman, a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and the other hats that I wear. I consciously do my best to log on to work after they go to bed so that they don't see my glued to my laptop while they are awake. I want them to know that they have my undivided attention and that I'm here....and when I say here I mean present. Present with ears to listen to everything they are saying, eyes to see what they are don't or not doing. I might be a business woman but I'm their mom first and I want them to know that. I don't ever want them to question that I'm present in what is going on in their world. And sometimes it's a struggle. When I have to travel and miss tucking them into bed, or can't read them a book or practice their spelling words I feel bad. I know that Chad is home and is doing a fantastic job keeping everything together, reading the books, practicing the words, and tucking them in...but I get jealous and don't want to miss it..not even one day. But when my son says things like you are the best mama in that moment I am comforted and know that I am doing the best I can and he sees that. One thing I have struggled with over the past year is being in the word every day. Being home the past seven weeks has provided me with a lot of quiet time and I'm excited to say that I've been in the word every day the past few days. And God is speaking to me through it. On Saturday while I was reading in Haggai I came across this verse " Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, on to put them in a purse with holes in it" Haggai 1:5-6. This is the first time that I remember reading anything in Haggai but I knew God wanted me to read this verse and remind me just how important balance is. Just how important prioritizing my time with Him in the word is. It reminded me just how precious my time is with Him and that when I am confused on where to start reading He is waiting with wisdom no matter where I start. So with all of that being said I start my week with Noah's words fresh on my heart "you're the best mama"...and I in turn say to God " you are the best father". It's his unconditonal love and 100 chances that continue to teach me just how to be the best mama I can be.

Addiction....an ugly cycle

Addiction...a word that has impacted our family for generations. A word that represents pain and many long months and years. I knew growing up that my grandfather was an alcholic but that was it. I didn't know much about my mom's childhood or how her father's alcholism affected her. Her family didn't talk about it at all. Then she married my dad. He joined the military after I was born. When I was five I remember him being stern but also loving. I remember looking up to him and wanting to be just like him. Fast forward 5 years, a war, and many unknown missions and alochol became a part of his daily life. He was a functioning alcoholic. He started with jack and coke and as the years progessed would drink jack on the rocks from the time he got home until he went to bed. But he was a quiet drinker except for when he got mad. Then you tried to disappear and disappear fast. Luckily/unluckily I was the only one he ever got into fist fights with. Fast forward twelve years and two more wars and his addiction with alcohol almost killed him, literally. I know that my dad suffers from PTSD. After the first war there wasn't the counseling and tools available that there are today. After the two wars he fought in more recently there was help. But it was bad...the things he saw...horrific most of which he's never shared. The few he did left me awake many nights. I can now seperate the man I knew as my dad and the man with the addiction. But it took years...many. It took more years of him out of my life then the ones he has been in. Looking back in 2000 when my parent's divorced my mom was a single mom with 6 children just as battered as she was. Abandoned, scared, and alone. My mom suffered from battered wives syndrome and shut down almost immediately. And I grew up fast. I left colloge and moved to the midwest to start fresh. I moved my mom and siblings out east by her best friends and a military base that could provide medical assistance etc. Unfortunately she couldn't take care of my siblings and we moved her here...and the cycle continued. My sister tried to take her life multiple times when she was in her late teens early twenties. She was introverted and the anxiety and depression was almost to much for her to bare. Thankfully we found W a wonderful counselor who has been in all of our lives for almost ten years. At the age of 13 my brother started experimenting with alcohol and weed. By the time he was 17 he dropped out of high school and became addicted to heroin and tried anything he could get his hands on. He left my moms and ended up in some house....I would see him on the sidewalks walking from time to time...black hallowed eyes and so skinny. I think it was almost nine months before he had his accident. He face caught on fire after trying to ignite a grill. It was a wake up call that changed his life...for a moment. He reconnected with my dad and ending up moving south to live with him. He enrolled in college, sobered up, and joined the national guard. He was injured while training and was given perceset...and got hooked. It wasn't until 8 months later we found out that he had an addiction to pain meds and was in a dark place. And one year later he has had six relapses and is trying to work a 12 step program. It's painful...so painful. Sister#3 and #4 both have eating disorders...and the later just got out of rehab two months ago. Her organs had begun to shut down and it was a sight that made you want to cry when you saw her. My youngest sister has remained quiet through all of this...she's tried to stay in the shadow and often feels scared if she speaks up she will rock the boat. My sister A and I are waiting and praying that she can make it. We invite her over for long weekends with our respective families and are so thankful we are married to men who are wonderful examples of what a father and husband should be. We are thankful that our husbands love our family..unconditionally. But it's hard and exhausting....it's exhausting sometimes looking at the calendar and counting the weeks wondering when the next shoe is going to drop. It's exhausting watching your family deal with these battles that are so dark and painful. It's exhausting not having the answers or being able to stop it. I remember being afraid growing up that I would marry someone just like my dad. Terrified that I would ruin my children's lives. Thankful..beyond thankful that God protected me and brought my husband into my life. It was hard...being with someone who lived a relatively sheltered life, introducing them to mine, and educating him on our past. But he stood by unafraid and willing to jump in with both feet and for that i'm grateful. I feel blessed that i've broken the cycle and am thankful for what my children have. They don't know what I missed growing up but I look at them and their relationship with their father and am beyond thankful. I'm thankful that their world is full of love and a family where addiction isn't the center. I'm thankful that they are sheltered from the world that I knew/know. I know as they get older there will be opportunities to educate them but until then I'm glad I'm not forced to do so right now. For now they can be kids and know that they are loved and protected.

Choosing Joy!

It's been interesting being homebound for the past 32 days. Mind you if I had my mobility I would be a cleaning freak and organizing everything because I love to both. It would also give me plenty of time to make some of my recipes that are piling up. unfortunately my time as home has been none of the above. I have to keep my foot elevated and am not to be up more than 15 minutes for every hour. So it's been a challenge for this mama who is constantly struggling with a false sense of "control". But the challenge has turned to one of joy. The time at home being still has given me the opportunity to spend a lot of time in prayer and have some amazing talks with Chad. It's given me time to play 15 games of connect four with my sons night after night. I've been able to spend time with my girlfriends talking as they stop over to say hi. What started off as hurdle has turned into a blessing. And for that I am choosing joy. I will not let the devil be victorious this time. And believe it would be easy too at times. I feel like a marshmellow having not worked out in 32 days. But you know the gym will be there when I am mobile and until then I'm thankful for each day he is giving me at home. The extra sleep has been nice and not commuting 3 hours three times a week has been great. So this morning i am enjoying a wonderful cup of coffee, smiling, and thankful that God's patience and love is unconditional. Because i don't deserve it..not even one bit. But i'm so humbled and thankful for it. Here's to choosing joy today and every day! Blessings!

Catching up...

I can't believe how long it has been since I actually sat down and wrote a post! I stop by at least a handful of times every week with every intention of writing a post and often begin one in my head but haven't been able to get one down on paper.  And to be honest I don't think it's a bad thing. I think back to when I started my blog and looking back am in awe of what God used this blog for. I truly feel that he brought Angie Smith's blog into my life to peek my interest and create my own. Little did I know that I would follow her and a couple of other women's blog and find myself in a simliar situation. That situation being one of loss. It was after Mason's death that I often would write for hours most of the time crying as I did. But the outlet this blog provided was profound for me. I didn't feel judged and felt like I could write my story and give it up to Him. Almost a year ago I felt like the Holy Spirit was prompting me to write this season of my life down in a condensed version to share with our church. I even talked to our pastor about it and was thrilled. But I didn't nor have I made the time to sit down and do it.  The funny thing is the Holy Spirit has continued to softly speak to me about doing it to the point that I hear it over and over now.  And now I have nothing but time. I fell down my garage stair (that's right one stair) on Feb 4th and broke my foot in four places. And can't go anywhere... I have a boot and crutches and am supposed to used the crutches at all times. This has brought my daily commutes to Chicago to a screaching halt and my travel plans for Feb/March went up in smoke.  But I had to laugh... I laugh because I know that God knows me all too well and knows that often times I have to be physically stopped to listen and be obedient.  Which brings me back full cirlce to my post today.  I've started reading my posts back from the beginning all the way to today and really make sure that i'm capturing all that needs to be shared.  I'm not a public speaker and honestly talk really fast when I get nervous. BUT i know that God has called me to share my story with others.  I know that He can move mountains and provide a peace that passes all understanding. I know this because he moved mountains in my life and has given me a joy that I know only comes from him. So i'm going to ask you to pray for me as I spend time in His word and rereading my posts. I know that reading them will bring up many painful days but I feel that I am in a place of peace and can be used for His kingdom.  I don't even know if any of you still follow since it's been so long but thought I would ask. The power of prayer is so amazing.  More posts to come as our family has enjoyed a wonderful six months! I still have my Napa trip to documents, our trip to South Carolina, and Disney over Christmas. So alot of my posts will be me catching up but I don't want to loose the memories we've made. I'm looking forward to orgranizing our pictures and giving my blog a face lift. :)

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It's been awhile!

I can't believe I haven't blogged since April! I've logged on often and started to blog once or twice but then stopped. The blogging break was needed for me as I was starting to feel like all I blogged about was my health issues and frankly it was depressing....who wants to hear about hospitals all of the time? I think more than that I was so tired of dealing with hospitals and my health issues that I wanted them to go away and was tired of thinking about all of it. So I took a break, am healthy now, and have enjoyed the past few months enjoying life! The summer has been one filled with travel both for work, long weekends with the fam, and a dream trip to Sonoma and Napa with one of my dearest friends. I will have to dedicate a whole post to that trip as it was amazing and everything I hoped it would be. I'm thankful that I haven't been to a hospital in eight weeks, and back on Weight Watchers tracking 100% and working out daily. The boys are growing like crazy and start school in two weeks. Ky will be starting kindergarten and I'm a mess about it! He is getting so big and i'm not ready for him to grow up on me:) We went school supply shopping last night and they were so excited to put all of their items in their backpacks...yes I'm feeling old. This weekend we are enjoying being home and relaxing.  We got up early, which is just the way we roll. I headed off to an early Zumba class, which kicked my butt literally, met a girlfriend for coffee, and have been home since 10:00 just enjoying time with the fam. I'm enjoying a new Cooking Light cookbook my girlfriend Mich bought for me and am going to try a Southwest Rice and Veggie cake recipe tonight for dinner. So far I have four new recipes from this cookbook in my menu plan for this week and can't wait to try all of them. We are planning on going to church tonight which means we can "sleep in" tomorrow. The hubs was awesome and cleaned up the house while I was gone at Zumba so I just need to organize some things and do laundry. I'm on the hunt for some zucchini recipes. When my friend J stopped over for coffee this morning she brought me a huge basket full of potatoes, tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans, and zucchini. I'm stoked! She grows a HUGE garden and brought fresh veggies over for me to share with my mom. Unfortunately until recently I've never made anything with zucchini. So I am on the hunt so something new to try using it. :) If you have any good recipes please share! Well I'm going to go check on my men and brew a k-cup. Tomorrow I'll post all about my trip to CA and share pics. Have a wonderful Saturday! I sure am.