Mochamama

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2011-12-05T19:44:00.001-08:00

Flurry Of Snowflakes Holiday Card

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It's been awhile!

2011-08-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged since April! I've logged on often and started to blog once or twice but then stopped. The blogging break was needed for me as I was starting to feel like all I blogged about was my health issues and frankly it was depressing....who wants to hear about hospitals all of the time? I think more than that I was so tired of dealing with hospitals and my health issues that I wanted them to go away and was tired of thinking about all of it. So I took a break, am healthy now, and have enjoyed the past few months enjoying life! The summer has been one filled with travel both for work, long weekends with the fam, and a dream trip to Sonoma and Napa with one of my dearest friends. I will have to dedicate a whole post to that trip as it was amazing and everything I hoped it would be. I'm thankful that I haven't been to a hospital in eight weeks, and back on Weight Watchers tracking 100% and working out daily. The boys are growing like crazy and start school in two weeks. Ky will be starting kindergarten and I'm a mess about it! He is getting so big and i'm not ready for him to grow up on me:) We went school supply shopping last night and they were so excited to put all of their items in their backpacks...yes I'm feeling old. This weekend we are enjoying being home and relaxing. We got up early, which is just the way we roll. I headed off to an early Zumba class, which kicked my butt literally, met a girlfriend for coffee, and have been home since 10:00 just enjoying time with the fam. I'm enjoying a new Cooking Light cookbook my girlfriend Mich bought for me and am going to try a Southwest Rice and Veggie cake recipe tonight for dinner. So far I have four new recipes from this cookbook in my menu plan for this week and can't wait to try all of them. We are planning on going to church tonight which means we can "sleep in" tomorrow. The hubs was awesome and cleaned up the house while I was gone at Zumba so I just need to organize some things and do laundry. I'm on the hunt for some zucchini recipes. When my friend J stopped over for coffee this morning she brought me a huge basket full of potatoes, tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans, and zucchini. I'm stoked! She grows a HUGE garden and brought fresh veggies over for me to share with my mom. Unfortunately until recently I've never made anything with zucchini. So I am on the hunt so something new to try using it. :) If you have any good recipes please share! Well I'm going to go check on my men and brew a k-cup. Tomorrow I'll post all about my trip to CA and share pics. Have a wonderful Saturday! I sure am.

More spring cleaning...and snow?

2011-04-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend has started off to be a wonderful one... Nen introduced me to Zumba couple of weeks ago and I'm hooked! So much so that we were out of the house at 7:15 this morning to go to our zumba toning class and got an awesome workout in!! It was awesome and i'm guessing we will be sore tomorrow! Just a guess:) After Zumba we ran back home got cleaned up had breakfast and took the boys to their swim lessons.. taking them every Sat morning has become one of the highlights of my week. Its been so much fun to watch them get better every week and make so much progress. Today they learned how to tread water and they both looked so darn cute! Afterwards Chad and I decided to continue tackling our spring cleaning list and spent a good part of the afternoon going through tote after tote in their playroom, tossing some, yard sale piles, keep but pack away, and play room ready :) But we finished and it looks awesome! The boys can actually go through all of their toys and not get so overwhelmed. It's always my goal to go through their playroom at least twice a year and I love deep cleaning.. I was hoping to get our upstairs finished today but I think we are still going to have some open items tomorrow... which is fine by me because we are having a wonderful time watching a movie as a family tonight and laughing. I'm all for lounging around in our pjs and watching movies together as a fam...it saves money and still makes for a great family night. I'm trying to multi task and am failing miserabley so until tomorrow have a blessed evening!

A Quiet Friday

2011-04-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

This week has been a busy one...but it started off great! Last weekend I got the spring fever bug and went to town around my house cleaning like a crazy women...unfortunately that will carry over to this weekend because I didn't get everything done..but I still enjoy cleaning:) I'm a dork I know. Monday I was able to WFH and went and saw my sweet friend J and her precious new baby girl M. J and I met at work several years ago and became friends fast...she was my WW accountability partner, introduced me to raspberry zinger tea with honey when I was pregnant with Mason and was there for me after he died. Her friendship blessed me during a season of my life when I didn't realize just how much I needed someone to listen. Unfortunately with me working 1.5 hours away now we don't get to see each other as much as I would like and I was quite deliquent in stopping over to see her and her precious baby after she had her, BUT that aside it was great to see the precious baby girl that she had been so excited to have. It's so awesome to see how couples go from being newlyweds to having little families...and embracing parenthood and all that comes with it. I've enjoyed being a mom and watching my babies grow up but i'm also enjoying watching my friends start to have babies of their own and have something else in common. After Monday the week flew! Work has been constant and crazy and good. I feel blessed to be where I am at and even though I've had more tiring days then I'd like to admit I still smile at the end of the day and am thankful for the opportunity. I closed up shop around 4:30 and headed back home and played a couple of rounds of around the world with Noah and Ky and had a blast! We put together a simple dinner and I made some eggs with peppers and salsa for me. I started a 10 day cleanse using advocare http://www.advocare.com/ on Monday and have really enjoyed it!! I'm already down 5 pounds in the first five days...am still feeling full after eating but have cut out all refined sugar, dairy, and wheat. One days 11-24 I will reintroduce 30% of the foods I eat back into my diet and take MNS and a few other vitamins. And i'm enjoying it...it's natural, healthy, and really helping me refocus on what I am putting into my body. And did I mention i'm on the countown for my Napa vacation in August and South Carolina vacation in October...I want to be back in my cute clothes and feel better about myself..I know with making smart choices and continuing my workouts I can do it. I'm pumped! Ok so back to my Friday evening...did I mention it's quiet? Nena is out at a friend's house spending the night...the boys are bathed and sleeping and Chad is having time with his friends. And i'm listening to KLOVE and enjoying the quiet time to sit and think. I have to put my grocery list together and cut coupons and then I think i'm going to find a good movie on Netflix and just enjoy some mommy time. This weekend will be busy but should be fun in the same breath. I'm WFH again on Monday so i'm looking forward to the reprieve.

The Safest Place to Be...

2011-03-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

After a week of traveling all over the country I came home and was blessed two spend two of the best days with my little men!! I had surprises planned for each day...and we had a wonderful time uncovering each of them as the day went. Watching life through the eyes of my boys can often be the most relaxing enjoyable part of my day. And last Mon and Tuesday were no exception. We laughed a lot, talked alot and loved alot! It was wonderful. I relished in the memories being made and the conversations we had. It was a special time just the three of us. Chad had too work and was bummed he couldn't be with us but he was taking off last Thursday to go out of town and had to tie up lose ends at work. Wed I worked from home and Thursday ended up back in the ER....an hour from home. Never a dull moment...I was driving to my office in city and breathing became hard quickly..I had been having shortness of breath since Monday but I chalked it up to traveling across the country and my body readjusting to the weather..no biggie right? Wrong...luckily there was a fantastic hospital 7 miles from where I pulled over and Chad stayed on the phone with me until I got to the ER. The doctors were amazing and after doing a chest ct they said I had the start of pneumonia...yikes! I had pneumonia 8 years ago and never thought for a minute I would get it again...especially so quick. So after staying in the hospital all day I left for home that evening...only to talk to my Dr. the next day who said after reviewing my test she thought my lungs showed emphysema changes...yikes again.. I know nothing about emphysema other than people who smoke often get it... (i don't)... The latter part of last week consisted of breathing treatments, meds, and steroids to help remove the inflammation from my lungs... This weekend was rough and i'm just worn down..but praise the Lord I saw my dr again today and she did more x-rays and confirmed I have plearacy and no emphysema...so I am so glad...tired..exhausted...but thankful.

Chad was gone during all of this...he was actually heading to the airport while I was at the ER but I told him to go...I knew that I would be ok and I was...but exhaustion over took me this weekend. Nen(my sister who lives with us) was a blessing and helped out so much... I was sad because one of our sweet friends had a bridal shower this weekend and her batchlorette party but we couldn't go...BUT the bride to be ( a dear friend of my sisters) and two of the other girls came by to say hi yesterday. And while I frankly wasn't up for company and just wanted to sleep Beth said something to me that brought a huge wave of peace. She was talking about moving to Haiti in May... Her fiance is Haitian and they met when she went there with our church to work with the orphanages we support... Anyhow my sister was asking her if she felt safe living by herself until she got married and her response " The safest place I can be is in His Will and as long as I'm there I'm ok".... Words of wisdom my friends..humbling words...God knew I needed to hear them and boy did they bless me to the core. So I have been relishing in those words since yesterday and praying fervently....praying for peace and understanding that only He can bring.. If you read my blog often I'm sure you've noticed a trend over the past six months...Health issues galore...one thing after the other and during my prayer time this weekend I specifically asked Him are you telling me to move elsewhere? I don't know the answers but I do know this...I am thankful for Beth and for the Lord's words that covered my heart.. I'm thankful that I am "In His will".....and am praying for guidance....which I know He will provide as He always has. Now I must open my ears, BE STILL and Listen.... Blessings

From Seattle to South Carolina

2011-03-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

This week has been crazy but amazing in the same breath. Last Friday my little man's fever spiked to 104.3 and I was a wreck! I was supposed to leave the next morning at 8am to fly to Seattle for business and I was a mess... on one line I had the nurse on call and the other was my travel agent trying to see if I could move my flight to Sunday. Did I mention is was 12am? I was in bed surround by tissues because I couldn't stop crying..I felt like a horrible mom..Noah's temp had returned to normal the day before and he seemed to be on the upswing so leaving seemed ok. Don't get me wrong me being worried about leaving had nothing to do with the fact that Chad would be home with the boys and Nen (my sister who lives with us)... He's amazing! He knows their schedules better than I do at times and we are truly partners in parenting and everything else. I have no concerns that He can't handle being the boys on his own...it's more of me as a working mom struggling to balance work and not being there for my boys when they need. I want to be the one to cuddle with my sick son...I want to make sure he is ok and lay on the couch all day and watch episodes of dinosour train..so when his fever spiked and he was in a ball on a sheet in his room...the thought of leaving him tore me apart. Bless Chad's heart he kept assuring me everything would be ok...and long story short it was. We stayed up all night giving Noah tsp of water at a time and sponging him down to help the fever lower..and it did. So within the next three hours I shoved clothes in my suitcase and went to the airport...puffy eyes and all. I'm sure I was a sight:) That morning Chad took both boys to see our pediatrician...as I had been in constant conversation with him daily about Noah and Ky's croup..and come to find out poor Ky had a double ear infection and they confirmed Noah did not have anything worse than a very bad case of the flu. Within a couple of hours his temp was back to normal and he was able to keep liquids and solids down.

And off to Seattle I went. And God is Good!!! It was a four hour flight and I slept for the first hour and a half and ENJOYED the rest of it... Yes, you are hearing me right..i enjoyed it and praised Him the whole way. This was the first time since I can remember that I enjoyed a flight and had no fear/anxiety. I landed grabbed my car found a starbucks worked a bit and then went to see my dear friend, Dee and her husband Sobes. Dee was one of my best friends in highschool and we went to college together in Seattle. It has been nine years since I've seen here and and to we had grown apart over the years. I was a little nervous about how it would be connecting after all of that time. And then I met her husband and saw her and we picked right back up where we left off. It was the best weekend! She is expecting her first baby on July 4th and we talked about babies and my favorite baby things all weekend long. We caught up on life and truly enjoyed just hanging out. Monday I started with my business meetings right away and it was a packed but great day. Tuesday I went to a conference at the EMP and it was awesome! Very informative and I even got to test drive some EV cars....Wednesday am I headed back to the airport for a 6am flight home and landed in Chicago around one..made it home by 4 picked up the boys for 5:00 haircuts..loved on them and read them one of their books I brought back for them....tucked them in..did some laundry and repacked my luggage. And the next morning woke up at 4am and headed back to the airport for another 8:00 flight. This time to South Carolina.

I landed in SC around 11:00 headed to another Starbucks to get some work done (see a trend:)..) and then headed to our SC office for an afternoon of meetings. I always stay at the same hotel and have my favorite resteraunts that I frequent and even request the same waiter every time. It was a great evening...I returned to my hotel early and cranked out work until the wee hours and started all over again yesterday. My day ended around 5:30 and then the real fun began... I have family that lives about an hour from our SC office and I try to see them every time I'm in town..this time being no exception... I arrived at my aunt and uncles surrounded by my cousin, her husband, and amazing kids, and my Grams. Their hospitality is always amazing and they had platters of appetizes and wine...followed by an amazing meal...and we Laughed so hard all night!!! I'm staying at my cousins and we are just hanging out today and having family dinner tonight. Tomorrow am I head back home and CAN'T wait...The boys are on spring break this week and I'm off on Monday and Tuesday to spend some amazing time with the boys and do something fun and exciting...although i haven't quite figured out just what special things we are going to do...but I am throwing a couple of ideas around. :) And I forget to mention the other great part...so normally I fly into Charlottle when I come to SC because of my "fear" of flying...flying into GSP entails of flying on a jet and based on my horrible experience last summer I have avoided flying into that airport like the plague. Well this time I took a leap of faith and flew into GSP and it was hilarious because the jet I flew on had one seat on the left and two on the right and maybe 15 rows back...yep the smallest of the small...and again I enjoyed my flight. God is good. I kept reporting the verse over and over... I will not let harm come to your life ...and every day is a blessing. :) It helped. So now I'm going to enjoy the warm weather..i'm in capris and sandles ( and realized this morning just how desperately I need a pedi) My feet are a sight haha... Oh well. Have a wonderful Sat!

Prayful Wednesday

2011-03-09T12:40:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted...i'm not even going to lie or try and add fluff to how I feel today. This week has been "interesting"... Good news I graduated from my boot yesterday and am not in a brace for the next three weeks...and I can drive!! PTL...because me and my independent self was having major patience issues waiting for that thing to get off.. But to add to the stress Ky has croup yet again and Noah came down with a fever at school yesterday and it spiked to 104.5 this morning at 1am. I'm beat..work is nuts and i'm leaving on Sat for a week, minus my 12 hour layover back at home on Wednesday with enough time to drop in from the airport repack my luggage, get haircuts for all of us and take of Thursday am at 6am. Did I mention I hate to fly and have already been in prayer rebuking the devil? I have to fly out to Seattle which is a four hour flight and I usually top out at 1.5 hours on my "normal" flights..

So today i'm working from home, trying to get laundry down ( it never is:)..) attend to my sick boys, come up with my bi monthly grocery list, keeping in mind that Chad will be cooking meals all next week, and go through my to do list before Friday. Yikes! Did I mention I'm exhausted? Oh and to add to the list of health issues (which seems to be never ending) I had a CT done yesterday due to my constant ringing in my left ear and that came back ok..so now I have to wait for two weeks and will see an ENT and have audiology testing done. My prayer for April is that I am healthy and don't have to visit the hospital once...We'll see how that goes:)

For all of your prayer warriors out there please in be prayer that God will put his healing hand on our family from all of this sickness/health issues, give me peace about flying, and calm my spirit as I finish out the rest of the week. I would greatly appreciate it!Blessings!

And then there was ice... :)

2011-03-01T15:04:00.000-08:00

So much for my signs of spring blog! Last week ice came pouring down literally...so on Monday instead of making it to the city I turned around and drove home...well to my mom's house actually. I decided to work at her house until lunch and then I was going to head home...It all happened so fast. My mom said "oh no there goes my garbage can in the street" my little sis and I picked straws and I won (we didn't really pick straws :)..) and I headed out the front door to go get the can and fell down the steps covered with ice and when I fell my right leg landed funny on the concrete with a snap I knew something was wrong.... My ears started to ring and I ended up rolling around in the ice in pain screaming..yep that's how it started. I wasn't even sure how I was going to make it to the car but somehow I did and once at the hospital found out I tore a tendon in my foot and sprained my ankle..the swelling was bad so they put it in a wrap and said to use the boot once the swelling went down and sent me on my way with crutches. Here's where it gets even better. The next morning at 4 am I get up with my crutches to go to the bathroom and my crutches went one way and I fell again on the same leg just the other side and screamed out in pain again. It woke my little men up who came piling in the bathroom to go to the bathroom and head back to bad while i'm laying there on the floor..lol I can laugh about it now but it must have been a sight. So back to the hospital we go and more x-rays later I now damaged soft tissue and damaged nerves on the right side of the same foot. So now i'm in a boot for at least three weeks and did I mention it's on my driving foot? Yeah so i'm not happy..I was just back into my workout regiment and getting two great workouts in everyday and now ugh. My favorite phrase from Chad last week was ..." I take you for worse and worse"... I know he was joking but that's how it feels at the moment.

Besides that things are going relatively well. The boys are loving their swimming lessons and I'm having a blast watching them. They had a wonderful few days at home with Chad while I went on a business trip to MN..boot at all. My good friend ended up driving me and enjoying the time away and I had a packed schedule of meetings but it was a success. We found this awesome winery on the way back and I brought home eight bottles of wine to share... And here it is Tuesday and i'm already looking forward to the weekend. I'm hoping it comes fast! I'll have to post pics soon...I did find some awesome Lego headlamps for the boys at MOA and they are a hit..so much so that they came in our room with them on at 5:45 Sun morning. It made my day! Sorry for all of the rambling but I guess that's life at the moment.

Signs of Spring!

2011-02-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

This week has been a good one! It started off with Valentines day and my hubby remembered one of my favorite red wines and bought a bottle and some chocolates (some of my fav) and wrote a beautiful card to go with it. The down side...I'm on my sixth week of Weight Watchers and tracking really hard and even though I still have my WW chocolate items I'm trying not to have to much reg choc. It's like a drug to me..I can't stop at just one piece. But I adore him and am so blessed to have a husband who is so thoughtful...because really I also think of valentine's as a hallmark holiday and don't put a whole lot of stock into it.. Anyhow that was Monday...and then Noah got sick with a 101 temp for four days! We took him to our pediatrician and his fever broke today but this mama was starting to get very concerned. Ive been blessed to be able to WFH (work from home) yesterday and today so it's been nice to get caught up on dishes and some laundry at a decent time. I even made dinner at 7am this morning and through it in the crock pot....chicken tortilla soup..YUM! Can't wait to have some. I got a great workout in on my lunch and am planning on going on a long walk after Chad gets home from work. The temps have warmed up and the snow is melting slowly...but we are starting to see grass and I am beyond thrilled!

This weekend is full but filled with many fun things. The boys have swimming lessons tomorrow, my hubby is helping move some furniture from my sisters to my moms, and I have a bridal shower to go to in the afternoon. Sunday I am going to see my friend from AK who I haven't seen in months! I can't wait....we are getting together at the crack of dawn for coffee so that I can be home early enough to spend the rest of the day with the boys. I'm traveling three days next week and want to soak up as much time with them as possible.

Not too much else to share right now....and to be honest I think I might attempt at a nap while the boys are sleeping. :) Blessings to everyone!

Trust

2011-02-06T22:34:00.000-08:00

I listen to K-Love all day long in my car during my commute to the City...this year they have been talking about coming up with one word that describes how you want to live your year or describe you. I spent a few weeks really thinking about and it as of last week the word came tumbling out..TRUST. Yep that's my word...and Im on my knees laying it before God. You see that word represents everything that I struggle with and often coincides with my control issues...or false sense of control if you will. After losing Mason...I trusted HIM......He was there and picked me up and held my hand, and listened to me scream, he sat beside me as I laid in bed for days at a time....I trusted Him to get me to the other side of the horror I was living in. And He did....Trust..When I was in a car accident in July and my explorer was totalled I trusted Him to provide...to heal me and blessed that my babies were not hurt. Trust... Two months later when I was diagnosed with pulmonary embolism....I was shaken to my core and I'm going to be honest with you.I didn't trust... I remembering praying in the radiologist's office and tears pouring down my face..but I wasn't Trusting Him to take care of me...I was desperately trying to control the situation at hand...and do what needed to be done to fix things. If you've read my blog the past few months you will know that has been easier said then done.. An ugly thing called anxiety has reared it's ugly head and now is part of my almost every day...and I don't like it one it. My weekly sessions with Wendy are helping and i'm back on track with WW and working out every day which seems to wear me out so that I am not so anxious going to bed....but this weekend I had a huge AH HA moment...I haven't completely Trusted Him with EVERYTHING. There have been moments, and days, and even weeks that I've trusted him and praised Him for getting me through this...but there have been just as many days where I have doubted and not trusted. I have doubted for fear that things will turn out that way I don't want them to....and that scares me....it has scared me to my core. But then I read a book this weekend..."The boy who came back from heaven" by Kevin and Alex Malarkey...and He showed up and spoke to me ever so gently about Trusting Him...and the tears have continued to flow... Because my disbelief has been consumed by not just my PE, but by my fear of flying, and this week....This week marks the 2nd anniversary of losing Mason. And right now my friends...i'm a mess.. I went over to my girlfriend Mich's house on Friday night to enjoy some red wine as we normally do after our kids go to bed. We usually talk for hours and I stay in the suite downstairs. This Friday....was like others but somehow our conversation came to Mason and I lost it.....and I mean lost it...sobs erupted from my core and I could barely catch my breath but Mich was there and just held me and we cried together. As His anniversary approaches I found myself thinking of so many things this weekend...waves of memories rushing back...finding out we were pregnant...my precious friend J being there as she was the only one as work I had told... I remember continuously bugging her about my clothes and is anyone could tell and i'm pretty sure I had something to say about a craving or anything baby related for the first few months...and it brought us close. I trusted her and was blessed. I go back to the Sunday it all started going downhill....sitting on my couch feeling pressure while studying...and going to bed only to wake up house later wet....knowing right away my water had broke... its a bit of a blur as far as who came to be with the boys and Chad taking me to the hospital...but It's like a movie replaying in my head as they rolled me into labor and delivery and confirmed my worst fears..I would be delivering our son that night and he would not make it. They warned me that he might be born trying to breathe on his own but he was two young for them to be able to save him... Trust...it was there that I cried/screamed out to God to meet me there and in a strong way. My husband...I remember him kissing my forehead and rubbing my hand....and crying with me after Mason was born and we held him. Trust... I was not able to articulate much and it would be days before the numbness wore out but I trusted God to get me through those moments because if I didn't I wouldn't have made it. Period. So tonight it's been rough....my heart is aching for that little baby I held two years ago and said good bye to this side of eternity. I have heard several songs on the radio this week that were on his CD we played at his funeral and they suck the air out of me....I want to go see him even though I know he is not "at" the graveside...but its the closest I can get and I just want to hug him...however with all of the snow i'm afraid I won't be able to find him. Trust....I leave for Minn on the 10th..one day after his anniversay and fly coming home the 11th...quick trip in and out...but there's that word Trust...God give me trust to take this leap of faith and LET go of my fears and truly be at peace...that is so desperately what I want. So I don't know that what I'm rambled on about tonight makes a whole lot of sense but I will ask this....I will ask if you could pray for me this week specifically on Wednesday(Mason's day) and Thursday and Friday I will be flying. Please pray for peace.....for strength....and the ability to be used For his Glory. Pray that as I work more on Trusting that I will continue to be molded and let go of some of the layer's I've been clinging to.

A case of the Mondays...with the flu:(

2011-01-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

I was so looking forward to this weekend...it was supposed to be one where I accomplished alot of items on my to do list....many of those items doing fun things with the little men in my life. We did make it to the library on Saturday as a family and had a great time! We have an awesome children's library and the boys love picking out new books and movies.... Chad and I take turns and pick out a few books for ourselves. After listen to an interview I picked up some of Karen Kingsbury's book and have to say I haven't been able to put them down. My productivity came to a halt Saturday after the library...I just felt weak and yuck...great adjective I know... :) Sunday i spent most of the day in bed and spiked a fever Sunday night...woke up this morning freezing but warm to the touch...yep pretty sure i have the flu... but am thankful for my wonderful hubby who went and bought me Gatorade and chicken noodle o's... how i love him.

Quick update as I feel like I've left you guys hanging unintentionally about my PE (pulmonary embolisms) and health problems...God is so good and after switching over to two new drs at a different hospital I feel so much better about the care and treatment plan i'm on. I had a vascular ultrasound done three weeks ago and my large clot in my leg is gone!!! Praise the Lord...I can't tell you the peace that news brought. I felt like such a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. They also did some tests on my liver and an ultrasound and the spot that was found in NC is gone...another praise! My meds have all been adjusted and i'm still going in weekly for blood work but the next step is a dr appt in March. I'm still working through the anxiety that became part of my daily life as a result of everything that took place back in Sept but I've made a lot of progress there thanks to "our Wendy"... an amazing counselor who has been there for me and my extended family for the past 8 years since we moved to the Midwest...she knows our family...my mom, sisters, and brother so well...our story and has become by extension part of our family... Her wisdom and insight is a blessing and has helped me tremendously face my fears..simple things that have become difficult over the months..

Take off! :)

2011-01-10T04:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a busy day! One that started with me takng off from Chicago and flying to South Carolina....and as I stated before i'm terrified of flying. I posted a thread on MckMama's blogfrog community and was blessed by the many kind comments. A pilot gave me freeofflying.com to checkout and I did watch the video he recommended and it helped. I aslo got to the airport early and had a couple fufu drinks just to help me relaz...between those and the dramimim I was able to relax and get some sleep on the flight...which is normally unheard of. Funny thing is that now that we are here in South Carolina they are having a winter storm!!! It's crazy. They have gotten 7.5 inches of snow and it's all over the news... I also found out my business partner's from chicago who were coming in today's flights were canceled. So it should be interesting..not sure if we will make it out of our hotel...thankfully there is a starbucks around the corner from my hotel...now if they are open is another story:)

25 Random things about me :)

2011-01-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

So I was reading Esther's blog here: http://www.laughwithusblog.com/ and thought the list was a great idea!! It's been a bit since i've posted and I actually plan on posting an actual post later but had a few minutes while my laundry is washing and thought this sounded like fun...so here goes 25 random things about me:

My name is Mimi and I live in the Midwest
I am the oldest of 6
I have been married for 6.5 years
I love love coffee!!!
Tea is something new i'm also in love with...teavana, teaforte, and harney and sons to name a few
Jesus is my Lord and Savior without whom I know I would not be alive
I love to try new red wines
I enjoy my girl time
Quilting is something I just learned last year and wish I had more time to do..
Listening to my sons laugh makes my day
I don't use the words I love you lightly
I lived in Alaska for several years and loved it
I moved 18 times in 13 years
I love to travel and see new places but am terrified of flying
I'd love to adopt someday
I've never been on a mission's trip overseas and hope to
Barnes and Nobles is one of my favorite stores and I hardly go there because I always leave with a stack of books.
My favorite color is blue
Growing up I loved watching G.I. Joe's
I collect Starbucks's city mugs
I am a coupon freak! :)
Mac eyeshaow is my favorite
Being a mom is the most amaging gift ever given to me
Anxiety is something that i've struggled with since being diagnosed with PE
I'm a control freak and God is daily teaching me to let go

Please share you link and post 25 random things about you on your blog. I've love to read them!!

Merry Christmas Blessings

2010-12-26T10:59:00.000-08:00

The Best Gift!

My Little Man

My Mr. Man

This Christmas season has been a busy but wonderful one for our family. We've had the opportunity to celebrate Christmas 6 times and have one more left the second weekend in January. They each have been special and provided us with wonderful memories and laughs for years to come but I have to say that some of my favorite moments were sitting at home on Christmas Eve reading the Christmas story to my little men, listening to them go to bed on Christmas Eve and making up Christmas rules about Santa, and cuddling in bed watching Despicale Me with all of them...laughter filling the room. Other memories I know I won't forgot...visiting our family in Chicago, playing Apples to Apples, hugging my Grams, trying a new red wine with my uncle and listening to Glee Christmas on the drive back home. Sharing pizza and watching Charlie Brown Christmas with our dear friends and their son. Skyping with my brother who graduated basic training and is now back at my dad's in Florida...and treasuring it all. These past months have been rough, faith building, trying, often anxiety filled, and new, but they have also humbled me and again reminded me just how precious life is.
I was listening to KLOVE yesterday and they were talking about Max Lucado's book and a part of it where he lists questions that he would have for Joseph:

Did he arm restle with Jesus
Did they ever argue

He listed more but I can't find them on their site..but it was so interesting to think about what it must have been like to be Jesus's earthly parents. They also talked about Mary and if when she was praying did she ever open her eyes and look at her son to see if he was listening. Amazing to even think about. As we celebrated Jesus's birth as a family I was thankful for Him and all that He continues to show our little family....and me...one of little faith sometimes.
Now Christmas Day is over and we are relaxing...just finised picking up the packages, paper, dirty dishes, and putting things away. Deciding what we want to do on this day...If the boys finish cleaning up their play room we are going to take them to chuck e cheese for "my birthday"... Chad took me out for dinner on my birthday (the 21st) and the boys were dropped of at his parents for the surprise. Poor Ky started bawling saying he didn't want to miss my party. We explained to them that Daddy was taking Mommy out for a special dinner and that we would celebrate as a family on Sunday. Noah and Ky's idea..Chuck E Cheese would be perfect! I couldn't agree with them more..lol :) I love the minds of a 4 and 6 year old. Precious to me. I still haven't completed my Christmas baking like I normally do...mostly due to lack of time/energy but I did get the rest of my baking supplies I need and might just bake tonight or tomorrow. We'll see. I also have a stack of books calling my name and might just jump into one of them when the boys take their naps. For my birthday and Christmas I was given two seasons of the show Friends and we started watching season one two nights ago. I'm looking forward to watching the seasons all the way through. I just love that show!!!
Well I am going to run grab some lunch and get my men ready to go have some family fun. I do have lots more to share and have wanted to jump on and write but time has been against me...but I will be back sooner than later to share more of our happenings during this wonderful Christmas season....and Thanksgiving.. :) Blessings!

Beth Moore- Esther and exactly what I needed to "hear"

2010-11-21T17:13:00.000-08:00

Throughout the past two months I have been challenged continuosly and frankly wish I could say I have been at peace every day and have not lived in fear or had days filled with anxiety. And while often times I haven't felt God near I've never doubted His presence. Friday he showed up in a big way.... My day started off at the lab getting my last round (for the set my dr order) of labs drawn. I had to fast for the last two tests and had my coffee waiting in the car for when I was done...I headed over to my moms and spent the day with her at her place just being quiet.....and then my aunt came. My aunt has worked in the natural medicine arena for over twenty years and as we got talking I shared with her everything from 9/30 on including all of the symptoms/pains I was still dealing with post my PE diagnosis. She sat there for a minute and then asked if I had looked at the side affects for all of the medicines I was on to see if any of them were things I had been dealing with over the past two weeks. I quickly responded and said no but was sure my dr would have checked into that as I was seeing her. After my aunt left I began to google side effects for the meds I'm on and as soon as I pulled the list up for Coumadin tears began to pour....EVERY pain, numbness of the legs,face, one sided weakness, headaches, stroke symptoms, and more was listed. All of which I have experienced at one time or another over the past few weeks. I immediately called my dr's office at 3.26 (not that I remember the exact time) but she had already left for the day and of course was not the dr on call this weekend. I left a message and my heart leaped...I go to the anti coag clinic tomorrow am for my normal testing for my INR and then plan on making an appt with my dr as soon as the phone lines open at eight. It is my prayer that I am indeed allergic to coumadin, can be put on something else, and I will be healed. They should have almost all of my bloodwork back tomorrow so hopefully that will come back with positive answers also. My heart has been lighter this weekend and while I've still be tired and experiencing pains I'm hopeful that I will have answers tomorrow and can more forward.
While sitting on my couch today I decided to pick up my Esther (Beth Moore) Bible study that I have been doing with my mom and my friend Jody for a long time...we try to get together at least twice a month but have taken a long time going through this study. I've really enjoyed it and have learned so much!!! Wouldn't you know that the first lesson I worked on today talked about fear. Below is an excerpt that I highlighted and underlined and read over and over:

Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us, so he settles for the next best thing: threatening to destroy us. Based on our histories and behaviors he deduces what we ourselves are most convinced would raze us. To the Devil, the irony is delicious. Our distrust of God tattles on us, telling our enemy exactly how to get to us. Many of us habitually rehearse, "If __________ ever happens, then I'll just __________." Our fears become like long bony index fingers pointing at our vulnerbilities. Once Satan see what we believe would be the end of us, he threatens and torments us with it. Our natural human defense is to grovel before God and plead with Him not to let those things happen. Our conditional trust not only makes us an open target for enemy torment; it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before God instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father. ...............................
The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place we trust Him-Period. We don't just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us......................
Our only steadfast defenses against lifes certain uncertainty is unconditional trust in a Savior who loves us more than His own life.

We were then asked to fill in three if and then statements...here are mine:

1. "If I die then God will protect my husband, children, friends, and family."
2. "If I lose my job then God will provide."
3. "If I perish, then God WILL STILL REIN."

I will tell you that number one and three I right with that part of fear that Satan has been paralyzing me with for months but I write it redeemed by my Father and know that even though I don't know His plan He brought me to open my study today and read these word Beth wrote and softened my heart and quietly (loudly) reminded just how close He has been this whole time. I pray that tomorrow will be closure and answers. I pray that I will be able to return to work soon...I pray that this Thanksgiving I can be thankful for answers. I'll know more tomorrow and will be sure to update you. Blessings and as always thank you for your prayers.

Praying for wisdom, patience, and healing..........

2010-11-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

These past few weeks have been filled with many happy things and many things that have brought struggle, fear, and anxiety. I'll start with the awesome blessings...my mom was able to go visit my brother during his pass weekend at basic training! From what she shared with me it was full of wonderful conversations, movie watching, and lots of good food. Mike was able to call me multiple times and that was a huge blessing! Hearing his voice and being able to talk to him was amazing. I've missed our morning coffee talks as we call them and was glad to hear that he is enjoying his training and all that he is learning. He started AIT and graduates in four weeks. If all works out the way he plans he will be moving back home sometime in February. I couldn't be prouder of him. God has truly transformed his heart and blessed him immensely!
My sister, Nena, was hired at the same company my husband and I work for. PTL! It is a full time job with wonderful benefits and will pay for her college when she goes back. She is beyond thrilled and looking forward to moving into an apartment with Mike in the summer. How God has blessed my siblings...it's been amazing to watch. Noah and Ky are doing fantastic and both equally loving school. Although Noah told me this week that he no longer wants to bring his lunch to school, that he wants to use the tray and pick our whatever he wants. He assured me he didn't have to pay for it and "all" of his friends use the trays for lunch. How my heart melted at my little man growing up. So now I must figure out where to find the menu and put money in his account so he can enjoy this new experience.....
     Now for an update on me....The last two weeks have been extremely hard for me...both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have been to the hospital almost every day either to urgent care, the anticoag clinic, the lab, or my doctor's office. I also have the on call doctor's numbers memorized and the triage nurse and i are on a first name basis. Praise- My lungs have cleared which is a huge blessing! My breathing is back to normal and I'm so thankful. However I'm still dealing with fatigue, intense pain that comes and goes in my shoulders, legs, and last week traveled up my neck and to my forehead. Sunday I ended back at the hospital because I could feel the pain moving in my leg and was scared that I was no longer therapeutic...thankfully I still was however these pain have increased my anxiety immensely and I am having a really hard time being alone. Monday evening my left leg from my ankle to my knee went number and part of my face went numb as well...I went to urgent care right away only to deal with a jerk of a doctor and after three hours of being there was told I have peripheral nerve damage and will need to work with a neurologist.... Thankfully I had an appt with my dr Tuesday morning and was able to review everything with her. She is struggling to connect some of my remaining symptoms to my PE and has now ran seven new labs on me to look for everything from MS, Lupus, and other things that could be causing these problems. Depending on the results I will be seeing a neurologist and potentially a second specialist next week. Unfortunately this means another week off of work and to be honest I was hoping I would be able to start back up again next week. In the same breath I just want all of the tests and everything resolved before I return. I was told that most if not all of the results should be available by Tuesday so i'm hoping to know more then. Right now I'm researching neurologists in the area and praying for next steps, wisdom, and peace. To be honest peace is one thing I have been struggling with these past two weeks...fear has slowly crept its way back in. Thankfully my best friend flew here to be with me while my mom was gone to GA....that really helped just having someone here during the day....plus I love her to death and was thankful to see her. I realized today that I've worn the same two pairs of sweats for the past two weeks and should probably switch it up as the lab techs probably think i don't own anything else. I've continued to pray daily for healing for answers and for wisdom, but I've struggled to feel His presence...I know He is there and will never leave me but right now I just feel like He's been distant....and I feel scared. I'm scared that something is going to happen while Chad and the boys are gone during the day, that something will happen while I am driving, and the thoughts continue. Bless my mom's heart she has been here almost every day prior to last week doing laundry and dishes and just being here while I've slept. I don't know what I would do without her support. Chad's been nothing short of amazing but I could tell last week that he was getting mad that I was still having to wait for answers, dealing with the pain, and having to go back and forth to the hospital so much. This week hasn't been any different except now we know I will most likely be referred to a specialist next week. Are you tired of hearing about this? I know i'm tired of thinking about all of it...lol I've tried to keep my sense of humor through all of this but have to say I feel deflated this week. I want my life back....and am desperately clinging to His word and know that He has a plan. I want to be used by Him but the selfish part of me wants this all to be over with sooner than later.
     On a positive note my sweet husband bought me a Keurig http://www.keurig.com/. And i'm in love with it!!!! It has brightened my mornings and the variety of flavors to choose from is exciting. My sweet friend ,Sandi, sent a large sample box of flavors home with Chad and I have enjoyed trying them out. I am sad to say that I think my coffee pot is going to be replaced...it's still on the counter but we shall see for how long. :) The exciting thing that Carm got me hooked on is Harney & Sons, Hot Cinnamon Tea http://www.harney.com/. I've never been a tea drinker but has always wanted too.... I did like a raspberry tea while I was prego with Ky but stopped drinking it once I had him. Anyhow in the afternoons I'm now drinking this wonderful tea and am excited to try a few more flavors Carm recommended...those would be from Tea Forte http://www.teaforte.com/.
     So if you think about it the next few days please be in prayer for my test results, for the dr I'm working with, for guidance on next steps, and that I can return to work soon. Please also pray for my husband....I know this has been hard for him and even though he tries not to show it I know he's impatient for answers also. Blessings

Prayers for Katie

2010-11-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

Over the past year I have been following Katie's blog here: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/. Her testimony and love for Christ humbles me every time I read her blog! A few days ago I read her blog and she asked for prayer for her family and today she shared what has unfolded in her family's life over the past few days. As a mother my heart breaks for her. Please read her blog, be blessed by it, and pray for this precious family as they continue to praise God during this storm. Blessings!

Movies

2010-10-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today was another daybat home...I think I slept until 3:30....praying tomorrow I have some energy. Tonight I've watched the movie Julia/Julia and loved it! It made me want to go out and buy a whole bunch of cookbooks and read them! I then watched Thr Proposal which always reminds me of the years I spent in AK...and now I'm watching New in Town. I don't remember the last time I stayed awake to watch a full movie yet alone three. I'm praying I'm able to fall asleep soon....

Organizing and more trips to the hospital

2010-10-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

Last week was my first week back to work and went relatively well. I started back with 465 emails but didn't let it get to me as I enjoyed every minute of having my email off while on vacation. Friday night Chad and I had a dinner date planned but I wasn't feeling very well once I got home from the city. We decided to swing by the hospital and have my protime taken. I found out my INR was at 1.1.....and had a hard time not being anxious the rest of the evening. When I am stressed I normally clean and I mean deep clean...so Saturday morning after Bible study I headed to Target and picked up several organizational tools i have been looking at for a while and went full speed ahead at our home....Chad and I got alot done but by the end of the day I was wiped....I'm sure I probably overdid it but it helped keep my mind off of my numbers. Friday evening I had started to cough quite a bit at night and Sat night was the same...by Sunday I was struggling and coughing short dry coughs often. I started to get a sinus infection last week and thought omw I'm getting pneumonia on top of all of this. I went in for my pro time on Sunday and found out I was still out of therauptic range...(not good) and Monday provided the same results. By Monday morning I was back at the hospital but my main dr is on vacation this week...which put me in a bit of a panic because I don't trust drs easily and didn't want to deal with someone who didn't know what they are doing. Luckily her backup was great and heard rumbling in my right lung...and ordered an x-ray and sent me home with meds and decided to treat me as if i had pneumonia because kt would be two days before I received the results. The tricky part is that antibiotics will affect my coumedin.....and right now i think i'm up to eight meds.. Long story short my breathing problems continued to worsen and I ended up back at the hospital yesterday...the dr. and I were concerned that I had a new PE (pulmonary embolism)...they did a chest ct and luckily there are not any new ones in my left lung. The fact that I've been out of therapeutic levels for seven days though has been concerning on top of the breathing problems. We got home from the hospital at 7:45 last night and I was back there at 9:30 this am to go to the coagulation clinic....now i'm home and wiped. I'm hoping to log on to work for a bit tomorrow but just haven't had much energy to much the last few days and have continued to sleep quite a bit. I'm thankful that I'm getting good treatment but will be glad when this part is over. I've been so anxious about having additional PE's and the large clot in my leg releasing more....because I can't see what it's doing and i've been having the pains I've had it's been kinda stressful trying to real everything in and make sure something isn't being missed.. Well that's my week thus far. I'm getting a little stir crazy, tired of hospitals, walgreen pharmacies, and bad hair days. I've enjoyed being in sweet pants but am ready to feel better and work out again and just feel like me...without worries about these clots.

Family Vacation

2010-10-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

The past ten days have been wonderful. My dr. released me to go on our family vacation to South Carolina and I was thrilled! My levels were theraputic for three days before we left and she let me go with a page of instructions but I was able to go..Yes! We left Thursday after I got off of work and headed out. We stopped in Indiana and got up early the next morning to finish the drive to Isle De Palms. Unfortunately I started having chest and shoulder pains that morning and we ended up calling an ambulance while in Tennessee. I was taken to Mission Hospital and they were fantastic! My oxygen levels were down to 93% so they put me on oxygen for several hours and did a chest CT to make sure there weren't additional clots. I was relieved that there weren't any and after injections of more meds and my vitals returning to normal they released me. We were only an hour from my cousins home and decided to stop there for the evening and not go all the way to Isle De Palms. After a good nights rest we got up and made is to the Isle by lunch time. The next two days were filled with nothing but time on the beach, sleep, and family time. That Sunday we had my cousins wedding on the beach...which started at five and was beautiful! We had never been to a beach wedding and thoroughly enjoyed it. My cousin, Rebecca and I, got up the next morning for a long walk/talk on the beach with our coffee in hand and spent the rest of Monday on the beach with the kids. I will forever cherish these days of nothing but relaxing and memories made! I know it sounds corny but I have been so looking forward to this time of just peace. After spending four days in the Isle we spent an afternoon in Charleston exploring and having amazing seafood! We then headed to my cousins house and spent five days with her and her family! My aunt and uncle, and Grams live two blocks from her so it was fantastic to spend time with them. Rebecca has three kids...twin girls who are five and a boy who is nine. Noah and Ky had a blast with them and were immediately attached at the hip. We spent time during the day doing many different things as a family, The Children's Museum (was awesome!..), Clemson Botanical gardens, Boating, and relaxing. I loved the slow pace and frankly didn't miss work for a minute! In fact I actually dreaded coming back period. Unfortunately i've struggled to keep my levels theraputic and fell well below the min level on Wednesday and today they are way above...so i'm praying they level off this week. My arms could sure use a break from all of the bloodwork. We arrived home last night at about 11 and we all crashed! This morning the boys were up at their normal time and we actually made it to the 9:00 service. I have missed being at church the past few weeks and felt so blessed to be there today!! God speaks through our pastor and today was no exception! My heart was calmed and peace filled me! I've been so anxious driving since everything happened and hope this week goes ok. I start driving back to the city and am a little nervous about my long car ride. I could go on and on about our week but am pretty tired and want to have some cuddle time with my men before they get tucked in. Here are few of my favorite pics from our trip! Enjoy:)

Facing my own mortality

2010-10-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

Hello my dear blog friends! Well I would love to say things have been quiet and boring but life has been everything but these past two weeks. Two weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night two a sharp sensation in my leg and I jumped up in bed with sweat pouring all over the place and my ears ringing and not stopping. Poor Chad thought I was dreaming and at the time I thought I somehow twisted something in my sleep. The odd thing was I have never pulled any muscles and had the reaction of sweat and ears ringing. It was quite scary but once the ringing subsided I was able to eventually fall back to sleep. Things were quite for the next week and I really didn't think about it after that. Then last Sunday my shoulder started hurting..I had this sharp pain in my shoulder that lingered all day and that night my left side of my chest started hurting as well. I started to get nervous and thought something was wrong with my heart but I'm stubborn and just layed down and massaged my shoulder. Monday and Tuesday the pain stayed the same and then Tuesday night I thought for sure I was having a heart attached...the pain was ridiculous...I called the nurse on call who told me to hang up the phone and call an ambulance. I know this sounds ridiculous and I as type this I'm shaking my head and how stubborn and irresponsible my decision was but I decided against calling the ambulance because I do not like the emergency room doctors at the hospital that was open at this time. There are two hospitals in the town we live in and I prefer one over the other and have had some bad experience with the emergency room. Anyhow so Tuesday night came and went and Wednesday was the final straw. I was driving home from the city (i drive 1.5 hours each way ) Wednesday evening and the pain shot all over my left and right arm...and my ears started ringing again. I was on the the phone with my mom and immediately pulled over and told her to stay on the phone with me because I thought for sure I was going to lose consciousness. I made it home but called my family practitioner and made an appt for Thurs am. Chad took the day off of work to be with me as he was really concerned about leaving me alone...we went to the hospital bright and early and she did an EKG and ruled out right away that there had been any damage to my heart. I went to the labs for a series of lab work and x-rays and as we were pulling out of the parking lot she called me and told me to head over to the hospital to have a chest CT...as after reviewing everything we had just discussed she had a strong reason to believe that I had a blood clot in my lung. I was dumbfounded and fear covered my from head to toe. I prayed the whole drive there all while playing the morning back in my trying to remember if I had told each of the boys how much I loved them...because to be honest I thought for sure I was going to die before they figured out what was wrong with me. You see three years ago a dear friend of mine died of a blood clot and literally fell over and died instantly. I feared that since I was dealing with these pains for multiple days that i could potentially fall over at any time.....so I cried and really had a hard time just giving it all over to God. I wish I could have said I was at peace with everything but I wasn't. I begged and pleaded with God to give me more time...pleaded with him to let me see the boys again to be able to give them another kiss and praying that I could go home and it would all just go away. I was thankful that the doctors got me in STAT everywhere I went that day and by the time I was done with the CT...I literally had time to go to the bathroom, Chad ran to the car to get my phone, and the doctor was on the phone confirming our worst fears..I had multiple blood clots in my lungs. I lost it...standing in radiology...on the phone with my dr..the tears were pouring down my face and I thought I would crumble right there. Chad and I headed back to my doctor's office and started discussing my treatment plan. Thankfully it is something that they can get under the control.. I headed to the Treatment Convention Center shortly thereafter for my first injection of Lovenox and teaching on how to do this at home (yuck) and headed back to the lab for more blood work. So long story short I'm taking injections of lovenox everyday, cumedin at night, and going to the hospital each day for lab work to check my INR levels. PTL my INR levels were therapeutic today (2.7) which is great news because I was at a 1.2 yesterday. Here's the other kicker....so we are supposed to go on our family vacation this Thursday to the Carolinas for 10 days and spend time at a beach house and relax....now with all of the this the question came up if we could even go. It's still unknown for sure If I can go but I had a great talk with a good family friend today who is a MD and he was very encouraging in that he felt very comfortable with me going since my levels are therapeutic. I will have to find a hospital where we are staying overnight so I can get my protime taken as well as where we are staying for the week but that seems pretty easy. But the deciding factor will be on Wed when I meet with my doctor again. The stubborn part of me says i'm going no matter what because we have been looking forward to this time away for a year...I've been counting down the days until I can turn off my work email for 10 days and just be with my family and enjoy every minute together. But the realistic part of me knows that I must take care of myself and listen to what the doctors say....i know at the end of the day i want to be here for my boys for a lot longer and don't want to risk something happening while we are driving and put myself in a compromised situation. So with all of that being said I sit here tonight with a humbled heart....many tears shed...and many hugs and kisses given the past few days. I remember walking Ky to his room last night to tuck him in and enjoying watching the back of his legs walk down the hall and climb into his bed....thankful for the opportunity to tuck him in one more time. Thankful to hear him tell me this morning that he wanted the window down so he could have air on his head..and thankful to watch Noah chase his brother around the house. I don't know what this week will bring...I am working from home this week until I'm supposed to go on vacation. They do not want me driving more than 20 minutes by myself just in case something happens... and I'll be honest i'm glad to be close to home this week.. Tomorrow I promise to share the wonderful things we have been experiencing this fall...the apple orchard trips, kindergarten happenings, and many wonderful home cooked meals as a family. Until then thanks for you prayers and listening to my heart. I know it's been a few weeks since I've posted and I feel like i'm constantly posting crazing happenings but find comfort in journaling my thoughts and getting it all out. It's also been great for me to read my past posts and see just how far God has brought me over the past two years...even through all of the challenges we have faced His love has prevailed and we have grown not only as a family in so many ways but I've grown in so many ways. Blessings!

First day of school!

2010-09-02T19:47:00.000-07:00

Growing up!

Today was Noah's first day of kindergarten and second day of Kylan going to a half day pre K program! Let me tell you the tears were coming and this mama needed some Kleenex. It's amazing to think how quickly this day came...i know it sounds cliche because i remember when they were little and moms telling me the same thing and I would roll my eyes! Well it came and I wasn't ready but they were and it was a great day full of memories! This morning started off with them both getting ready, shoes, backpack, and out the door for pictures. My heart melted and I could have just stood there watching them. How I love being there mom and feel so incredibly blessed! After dropping of Ky and Chad I took Noah to Starbucks to get a coffee and juice for him...and his response "I'm going to pretend this is my coffee"..and right there we had a moment that I will always remember. And off to his school we went and I walked him up and into his classroom and he loved it! No tears went right in and was ready to have a great day...and he did but was tired! And little man...beat...fell asleep snoring within moments of being home. And today I got to be in town for all of it and loved it!!! So glad I can work remote and let me tell you there wasn't going to be anything that would keep me from missing this awesome day! I picked up Noah and he was exhausted but so excited and pulled out his take home folder and just stared at it in the car...love it! The rest of the day went well and we put them to bed 45 minutes earlier...

Ready to go

My soldies!

Another big thing this week was my brother Mike going off to basic training! He is in ROTC and is spending the next four months at basic... He was able to come home for three weeks before shipping out and it was wonderful to have him home again, but heartbraking to say goodbye..knowing we won't be able to talk to him for a while. While I have so much else to share my eyes are slowly closing and I am going to crash as tomorrow will be a full day...BUT before I sign off here are some pics of our amazing week so far.

Brokeness

2010-08-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to begin and I don't have a lot of time as I need to log into work and get some things done before I crash, BUT I have been wanting to give you guys an update and just share my heart. Long story short I misscarried....and am honestly at peace. I think the main reason is that I was fearful it was a tubal pregnancy and I was bawling about having to make the decision to have surgery. I'm not sure if that makes sense but I was at peace that I didn't have to make that choice because frankly I don't know that I could have. While i'm sad to have miscarried I think i'm just numb...numb from the series of events over the past month...car accident, tumor that was found to be benign, and miscarriage. Brokeness is the word our pastor used at church on Saturday and it resignanted with me. This past month has brought me to my knees broken, tired, exhausted, in pain, and full of anxiety. Anxiety over my job and just dealing with the stress that has continued to come with it. Chad and I were talking this past weekend and it's been a year now that I've been at corporate and I don't know that I feel that things are any better balanced than they were when I first started. We decided that I would give it until Jan and see what happens but I know that everything that has happened this month has just added to the daily stresses...BUT God has met me and provided me with peace many times over. He has been there as Chad and I prayed for direction on what car to get and opened the right doors for us to find the car I wanted. He has provided direction at work this past week and while I have a lot to accomplish still this week I feel like I have a burst of energy that i haven't had in awhile. Sorry I know i'm all over tonight but when the day is over i'm thankful for the patience He has provided me with this month. I feel like I have grown alot and for that I'm thankful. Tomorrow will be yet another busy day but then I get to hang out with my little men and just love on them and I can't wait!!! Thank you for your prayers! I can't begin to tell you how much they mean to me. (When two or more are gathered in His name...) Blessings!

Patience, Provision, and Prayer

2010-07-31T20:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be two weeks since the accident and how things can change in two weeks. Two weeks ago i sat on my deck praying about provision and guidance and He answered in more ways than one. The accident caused damage...our car totaled, my body injured, but it's also provided answers otherwise left to be seen. Without the accident I don't know that I would have gone to the doctor for a CT. The CT revealed the spot on my brain. And that spot has been confirmed to be a benign tumor. I was handling the three options pretty well up until last Saturday and I lost it. I didn't lose it because I didn't have control, I lost it because I trusted God and if the outcome meant that I had a brain tumor that was cancerous I knew it would be for His glory. And believe me I wrestled with that one...i spent the better part of three nights in my family room praying, reading, and crying....sobbing a couple of times because the selfish part of me was thinking way far ahead and the thought of not being around with my boys and Chad frankly tore me up. But I had peace...that no matter what we would take the answers and move forward knowing He had control on this one. SO..Monday came and the test came back great. There is no cancer and they will do another MRI in 6 months to make sure it is not growing. As long as it is the same size they will do one once a year just to monitor it. PTL!

I returned to work on Monday and honestly is was a rough start back and frankly the week could have ended better but I know i'm also emotional and have a lot going on right now so I'm just trying to let it go. We did go test drive several cars today and I think we have narrowed it down to a Ford Fusion. I'm really excited! I brought one home for the weekend but it's not the color that I want, but we did find several within the chicago area that have the specs I want so I think the plan is to go next Sat and negotiate for the one I decide to go with. We are going ot keep praying about it but we both liked it the best and I'm getting excited that we are almost done with this part. Then Chad just has to find something he likes.

God has truly used the past few weeks to speak to me and I feel like i'm growing a lot and embracing all that He is teaching me and am thankful, but I do have something else to share...something that I've been praying about sharing and feel that now would be the best time to do so. Chad and I have been talking for at least a year about whether or not to have another baby. I have always wanted to have four...and feel that four will make our family complete, but after losing Mason part of me desperately wanted to have a another baby and the other part of me was afraid...afraid that if I lost another child I wouldn't make it through again. And to be honest Chad shared the same concerns. Losing Mason has been the most devesating loss I've ever experienced and our marriage almost didn't make it. I checked out for quite some time and it took a lot of love, tears, prayers, time, and God to get us to where we are today. But on Mother's day Chad gave me the best gift and said he was ready to try again and my heart soared. It was shortly there after that I started to feel sick and had all of the symptoms of being pregnant...and I took my first test and it came back negative. Granted I took my first test well before it most likely would ever come up positive but I'm sure you can see the trend of impatienceness... I had a day of spotting nothing to cause concern and a little the following but that was it. It wasn't a period and I didn't think to much of it since I had the same type of situation happen when I was pregnant with Noah. So I waited and told Chad I wouldn't take another test until the next month...that month being this month. I waited until four days past when I should have had my period in the event the spotting I had was part of my cycle...and again a negative test. But this time I know something's not right. I've been telling Chad all along..I know my body and I'm either pregnant or somethings wrong. So I called my doctor to get her insight and she asked me to take another test on Monday. If it came back negative she wanted me to go in for blood work as a tubal pregnancy would still show up positive. The other possibility being I'm having problems ovulating. Chad has been nothing short of amazing as he frankly always is and I can tell he's really concerned that I might either be losing a baby or having a tubal pregnancy which wouldn't have a positive outcome. I told him today i'm really ok but that I just want to know what is going on because it's been so hard being patient wondering, part of me getting really excited about having the signs that point to pregnancy, and the other part scared when I saw the tests come up negative. Please pray that God will cover me with peace....amd pray for my husband that he will be at peace and trust God to take care of me.

Waiting

2010-07-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend has started off quite relaxing. My inlaws were so kind to invite the boys over for a sleepover last night and they were thrilled. Chad and I went out to every car dealership in town after he got out of work and looked at cars..I think we have it narrowed down to five types we like, Saturn Aura, Chevy Malibu, Saab, Acura, and Ford Fusion. I was definately exhausted from walking so much last night as I haven't been on my feet for longer than 10 minutes at any given time this week but it also was nice to just get out of the house. I felt very anxious being in a car while Chad drove us around and have a feeling it might take me a minute to get back into the saddle. I didn't expect that but I guess it makes sense. We picked up a movie and came home and I was out before the dvd even made it into the player. :) I slept in until 9:00 again so not my norm and then we picked up the boys and went for a short walk. That's been my homework from my chiro is to talk for at least 10 minutes every day to get my muscles stretched. It was a little humid but again nice to be out of the house. The boys played in the sprinkler when we got home and I spent time journaling which was great. Now i'm going to take a nap and then we are going to church tonight. And as the day goes by we are waiting...waiting to find out my test results, waiting to decide which car to get, and waiting for something else to come to fruition or not. What is cracking me up about all of this waiting is that I'm still calm and at peace with it....again not my "NORM"....I'm definately your type A, firstborn, "control" freak type of girl. I'm just chalking it up to God molding me and i'm gladly accepting it. Right now my biggest delima is what to make for dinner because this mama does not feel like cooking. I'm think Papa Murphy's might be helping me out in that area tonight. On a complete side/random note, I don't know if you have checked out my community on the right of my page, but I would love to get feedback from you or have you start a new discussion. Have a great weekend and Blessings!

Thunderstorms-Prayer Please

2010-07-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep, which is odd considering the meds I'm on have helped me sleep better than ever! There have been thunderstorms going on all night and while I typically don't like them one bit I've been listening to this one thinking about how God has been ever present in this "thunderstorm". From the very minute our crash happened and throughout the week He's been right there. We have been blessed from every angle. The police, paramedics, doctors, friends, and family have all been amazing. I have been humbled by the kindness and love but not surprised because we have so many awesome people in our lives. It's been the "stranger's" kindness that has been comforting especially with the hundred questions I have and repeat phone calls to my insurance agent, the person who hit me's agent, the doctors etc. We found out late Wed evening that our explorer is totaled. The frame was beyond repair along with a list of other items. I'm probaly repeating myself from my previous post and I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Supposedly forgetfullness is common after an accident...lol Chad spent the better half of last night looking at cars online and asking my opinion, while I'm more of a in person kind of girl and will need to test drive it to give me opinion one way or the other. Plus I'm not a huge car girl...I loved my big SUV BUT right now I know it's smart for us to get a car with all of the miles I am putting on it with my job. So tonight we are going to test drive a few and start making out lists of likes/dislikes. My top criteria are: black car, sun roof, nice size trunk, great cup holders for my java, and good gas mileage. We'll see how close we get but we are definately going to take our time on this one and pray for wisdom. We pick up our rental this morning and the insurance co is only providing one until Wed since it has already been determined that our car it totaled. I'm a little bummed because originally she told me 10 days but I'm going to call her back on Tues and see if they can extend it a day. Today's agenda consists of getting the rental, my chiro appt, and my MRI at 2:30 CST. If you could please pray for me I would be so thankful. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous about the MRI. Here's what my family practictioner told me: The calcified spot could be one of three things, just a calcified spot that needs to be monitored due to size, a clump of blood vessels that are enlarged, that would need to be removed to remove the risk of me having an anerism, and the last and my least favorite is a brain tumor. My dr told me that based on the size of the spot and location she is confident it's not a brain tumor. I'm thankful that this spot showed up on my CT after the accident because otherwise I don't know when it would have been found but I am anxious and would like to know the results. I think that's partially why I'm awake so early...and praying I'll be able to fall asleep again shortly. My in laws are going to watch the boys today for us and have a sleep over for them. They are estactic and as much as my inlaws frankly often bring conflict into my life I'm thankful that they are such good grandparents and love our boys the way that they do. This weekend we have no plans except test driving cars, church, and picking up the house and i'm glad. It will be nice to be at home and relax for the most part. I'm hoping to try some new recipes I found in my food and wine magazine. I'll keep you posted on how they turn out.

Perfect Peace

2010-07-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't post twice in one day and technically it's 15 minutes until Thursday, but I'm awake and just have the urge to write yet again. About an hour after I posted my last post my claims adjustor called to tell me our explorer is totaled. The normal "me" would have freaked out, not kidding, but this time I was calm and frankly just felt peace about it. He walked me through how everything will play out and besides him sending me a few things that were forgotten in my suv we are done with that part of the process. Tomorrow I have to take the signed tital to our agent, pick up the police report, and get a rental car. Then Chad and I have to start looking/test driving cars. As Chad and I talked about it tonight...part of us is bummed because the explorer was almost paid off and we were planning on getting a second car within the next month so now we are back with one vehicle but i'm excited. I'm excited because we will be saving a ton of money on gas by having a car. I commute 1 hr 30 min each way to work every day and we have been spending a hefty amount on gas this year. So between that and the difference of what we won't be spending on a car payment we will be able to keep saving and saving. I also think we'll be able to get our bathrooms remodeled sooner than planned. So tonight I'm excited to see what car we will find and most of all so thankful everything is working out. The boys told us they wanted a red van...and this mama had to tell them no. As much as I agree vans are practical and alot of my girfriends swear by them I don't want to drive one. I told Chad he could when we look for his car next:) I'm guessing he'll take a pass on it but just had to throw it out there for him. Well I think my meds are finally kicking in because i'm starting to shut my eyes...that didn't take long. Until tomorrow, or today :)

Timing-Car Accident

2010-07-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

I just finished rereading my post from Sat and am smiling. Why? Because my boys and I were in a car accident on Sunday and normally I would be freaking out about all of the details but i'm not...I'm leaning on God and the knowledge that His plan surpasses my understanding. Our morning started out great...Chad made us breakfast and I piled the boys in the car and off we went to the grocery store. I normally go grocery shopping at 5am and can't stand to go during normal business hours but I decided it would be a fun trip for the boys. As we were driving home past our favorite coffee shop a lady in front of me put her blinker on to turn into her driveway and abruptly turned. I put my foot on the brake to slow down and head a pop....that pop was a four door truck slamming into the back of our explorer...on impacted our explorer was catipulted 20 feet....my body slammed forward then back...it took me a minute to figure out that I had just been hit by another car, but immediately my adreneline kicked in and I got out to check on the boys who praise the lord were fine. Noah complained of his teeth hurting initially and besides a bump on Ky's head they were fine. The person who hit me called 911 and I sat back down in my car because my head hurt so bad i thought I was going to lose consciousness. Thankfully I was close to home and we have a fire station blocks down. The police, ambulance, and fire engine were onsight within two minutes. The police officer and paramedics were great with the boys and I...I was put in a brace and taken to the hospital...the boys were taken there as well in a different vehicle..I was distraught thought because i couldn't find my phone to call Chad and I didn't want to the boys to be by themselves. They did find it and called Chad right away. They did a Catscan at the hospital of my head and spine and thankfully there was no internal bleading or damage to my spine. They did however find a 4mm calcified spot on my brain and I will be getting a MRI on Friday to find out what it is. Our explorer was smashed in the back and has been towed to an auto inspection site. I'm praying we get a call today to discuss the extent of the damamge and if it's going to be fixable or totalled. A big part of me feels that they are going to total it. We only had three payments left and it would have been paid off. I know that they trade in amount that they would give us wouldn't do much other than provide a decent down payment on a new vehicle. It makes me sad but at the same time I know God truly has his hand on all of this and no matter what the outcome is, I'm alive and so are the boys and the people who were in the other car. At the end of the day a car is just a car and replacable. I'm beyond thankful that our boys are ok and glad that my injuries are fixable. I went to my regular doctor yesterday and she has switched the meds i'm on which are knocking me out but I should be able to be off the strong one by this weekend. I saw my chiropractor today and am thankful to have resources available to help me. Now i'm just waiting for the police report to be completed, get a rental car, and find our about our car and next steps there. This afternoon has been the first time since Sunday that I've been out of bed to sit and do something besides sleeping and while I'm feeling groggy I'm thankful for the time to do something productive. My dear friend Dawn is coming down and bringing us dinner and me lunch today. I'm looking forward to the company and hopefully won't fall asleep on her..lol

Our families have been nothing short of amazing and supportive. My mom has been over every day to help with laundry, dishes, and the boys. Chad's rents have watched the boys while i've been at my appts and all day yesterday. His dad even brought over a plant for me...which made me smile because I can't keep plants alive to save my life. I've tried to plant some this summer and do enjoy it however I'm already on my second set of plants for the summer and these ones seem to be dying a slow death as well...lol

So as I sit hear and wait I've had a lot of time to pray and just talk to God about my concerns and my heart and truly feel at peace with whatever the outcome is. I know He knows our needs and will take care of the muddy details i'm worried about. I'm thankful to have a heavenly Father who is constant the same today as yesterday and knows already what is going to happen. That brings a smile to me because I know that He is in this situation and has been since before the accident happened on Sunday. Most of all we are safe and still a family...a blessing I don't take for granted. If you could pray for us as we transition to whatever the outcome will be I'd really appreciate it. Blessings!

When He Shows up

2010-07-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

Over the past month at church Pastor Dave has been doing a series on American idols, sex, power, and money. As always I walk away in awe of his teaching of the word and passion for Christ. Last Saturday I took a ton of notes and have wanted to share with you and just write it down so I don't forgot. This message really touched my heart because I find myself personally struggling giving each day to Him and not trying to have a false sense of control. Here are a few of my notes/thoughts:

How often does Jesus show up in our lives and we don't recognize him
Keep yourselves from idols
In your problems there is His peace
Ephesians 3:20- Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Our hearts only work well when Jesus is on the throne
Phillipians 3:7- But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ
Jesus wants to refine me like gold- Will I let him?
For some people their temple is the office

What is my temple

A life devoted to things is a dead life
Jesus was in front of Mary and Mary didn't even recognize Him

Do you ever find yourself in church and ready to tear up because God is using the sermon to speak to your current circumstances or situation? This series has hit home with me and if you follow my blog I'm sure you can guess why. Two things that really hit home for me was when David talked about the temples in our life...are they money, power, the office...bingo. I sat there asking myself if the temple as was my office? When he described the temples of our lives he meant where do we put our time and priorities. Friends, if I'm being honest I am guilty of putting more energy into my office and job then is healthy. This I know and God has been clearly speaking to me in more ways then one lately about this. It is a struggle I have been dealing with for a while and more since I moved to corporate last year but the changes in my career and responsibilities have definately impacted my "temple". The second thing that really hit a cord was, How often does Jesus show up and we don't recognize Him. Yikes! This hurts my heart truly because it is my hearts desire to be used by Him daily but I'm sure there are times that I am so busy and trying to keep "control" of my day that I miss what he is trying to tell me or ask me to do. This past week I did have to travel but when I was home I made a conscious effort to SLOW down and keep my email shut off and I can't tell you what a difference it made. I actually sat outside on our deck and enjoyed reading a book for awhile which was wonderful. I love to read and haven't in quite some time. We also had a Uno game night with the boys which was a blast! I can't believe Noah is going to be in kindergarten in less than two months and Ky will me in preschool.

This weekend is going to be a fun one! I'm going boating with our dear friends and Chad is having a boys day with his buddy and son with our two boys. It's a gorgeous day to be outside and I'm sure we will all be exhausted by this evening but it will a blast! I'm hoping we can go to church tonight but if not we'll go tomorrow. And tomorrow we have NO plans and i love it!!! I do need to make our menu for the next two weeks and go grocery shopping and my weekly Target run but I always go grocery shopping around 6:00 am so i'm done before it gets crowded. The farmers have been out with their produce and i'm hoping to get some sweet corn today or tomorrow so we can have it with whatever we make on the grill. I love sweet corn and could have that as a meal:) Well I should go and start putting away the loads of clean laundry that are staring at me while i'm typing. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sat. If you have any prayer requests that I can be praying for you about please leave a comment or feel free to email me! I'd love to hear from you and pray for you. Blessings!

A Relaxing Saturday!

2010-07-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how awesome it is that Saturday is here! We are feeling better and were glad to get out of the house this morning and enjoy the fresh air! After having months of Saturdays filled with busy wedding planning, bridal shower, batchlorette party, and wedding it is wonderful to have a Saturday with no plans. I'm loving it. I almost don't know what to do with myself, but don't worry we are finding plenty to do. We took the boys out to a few stores. Chad is looking for a projector mount for his new projector. I stopped in at Pier One to look around. When then took the boys to a greenhouse that is nearby and have they have a big fish pond which our boys love! Our last stop was to rent a game for the boys and it couldn't have come at a better time. We are trying to teach our boys that there are things in life that are privelages and not expected. Renting a game is a privelage and they now understand that. While I would love to give them a game whenver they want I don't think it's in their best interest. We do normally buy them a game every few months but once a month we let them pick out a game to rent. Noah has been counting down for 14 days since I told him he could rent one and he hasn't stopped talking about it all day today. He was trying so hard to be patient but you could tell he was busting at the seams. So in we went and out we came with a lego game they are thrilled to play. Now that we've had lunch I think i am going to actually work on laundry since I didn't do more than a load yesterday. Once that's done and the boys take their nap I'm going to sit on our deck and read a book! I love to read and am so excited to have time this afteroon to relax and do just that.

Thank you for your prayers yesterday! I had all three meetings and they went amazingly well. One of them could have gone better and we'll see how that plays out but I know without a doubt that God gave me words or wisdom and peace. I cant' tell you what a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!!! It's huge.

Tonight we are going to church and I can't wait!! I just love our pastor and can't wait to be fed spiritually. My dear friend is back from Haiti and she will be there as well. I'll also get to see Ash since she is back from her honeymoon. We saw her briefly last week but it will be nice to see her for more than five minutes. I can't tell you how hard it was this week not to call her at 8am like I normally do. I promised her husband I'd wait until at least nine and i'm already in my office by then. I hope everyone is having a wonderful fun filled Saturday! I know we are and I'm thankful for a weekend at home with the fam! Blessings.

Cabin Fever!

2010-07-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

That's right...I'm having major cabin fever! I haven't left the house since Monday and I'm getting anxious. I don't remember the last time I have been home for this long. I've enjoyed spending alot of time with the boys, reading, lounging, since we haven't felt good, and playing many board games. But yesterday I felt like I needed to get out! I watched at least 6 episodes of top chef, which before yesterday I never watched, and now i'm hooked. I tried to get caught up on work email but frankly just didn't have the gusto to put a whole lot energy/thought into it. Today I was back to work, but worked from home. The phone started ringing bright and early but it was wonderful just sitting in my yoga pants plugging away. My mom and Grams stopped over for an hour to help with the boys who were home today, because Noah still wasn't 100% and I greatly enjoyed their company. I ran out of coffee beans two days ago and have missed my daily java! My mom was so sweet and stopped to pick me up my favorite coffee drink from our coffee shop around the corner. It made my day! Tomorrow is Friday and it feels like my Monday. I'm heading into the city and have a busy day ahead of me. I have three big meetings back to back and have lost a bit of sleep over them this week. They are each crucial to different implementations within our organization and I am not looking forward to them. Sometimes I wish I had a job that I could leave at work. I'm thankful for the job/opportunities I have as I realize many people are without a job, but some days I wish I could leave it at work and not bring it home. I find myself having a hard time putting my iphone away and not checking my emails/messages often. I also have a hard time just relaxing and letting my open items sit until the next day. Once the boys go to bed I often open work right back up in hopes of getting a head start on the next day. And lastly when I'm on vacation a day doesn't go back that I check in multiple times....I know as I'm typing this I realize I need to work on this and really pray about prioritizing my day. Others do it and I don't know why I struggle with it so much. Any suggestions on how you might deal with your day and leaving work at work? It's important to me that our boys have my undivided attention when I am home. Sorry I just went off on a tangent...I guess I just needed to get that out. I'm off to check on my piles of laundry in hopes that a laundry ferry attacked them while I was working today:) And then its play time with my main men.

The Flu...ugh!

2010-07-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

I remember growing up my mom always did a great job of taking care of us when we were sick. And I love cudding with my boys when they don't feel good, but what I'm not good at is cleaning up puke. I'm just being honest..it's not my gift. This weekend Chad started to not feel good on Sunday and he thought he had food poisoning...I doubted it but didn't even think it was the flu. I always thought the flu went around in the winter....well I was wrong! Last night I worked late and went to bed around 10:30...and about twenty minutes after that Noah came in our room and said, "Daddy I got sick on my bed, on Kylan, in the hallway, and the bathroom. I tried to clean it up and i'm sorry"...I don't think I've ever jumped out of bed so quick. My poor baby was sick and felt bad that he couldn't clean it up..I wanted to cry right then. So Chad and I get up and access the damage and yes there was puke everywhere!!! including Ky's head...I wish I was kidding. The smell and sight of it made me want to get sick...so we woke up poor Ky who does not do well being woken up out of a dead sleep and stripped them both down for a shower. After that we all piled into our room and luckily made it through the night with no other incidents. This morning I woke up did some work and felt the onset of sickness and now 3 out of 4 of us are sick...chicken noodlos, gatordade and club crackers are gracing our counter and I think i've watched every episode of phineas and ferb that exists! I'm thankful we were able to enjoy the long weekend minus poor chad...but now I don't want to miss work because i'm sick.. :( Here's to hydrating and clorox wipes! :)

Family and pictures!

2010-07-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

The bride and groom!I love being their mom!MikeSome of my sisters and two of my cousins!Patiently waiting for the party! :)

This week has been truly a blessing in so many ways! My brother, Mike, was able to stay and extra week which we ate up! We had so many wonderful talks and just watching him hang out with our boys melted my heart. You see when my brother left Wisconsin 20 months ago he was just recovering from his drug addiction and for close to two years before he left he was a different person than the Mike I had known. At one point he didn't communicate with any of us for 9 months and my mom and I would often see him around town looking hollow and his clothes falling off of him. That's the short version but I think you can understand from this small tidbit how different the Michael I spent time with today is different from the Michael who lived here before. God has truly used Florida as an opportunity for him to get clean, move away from his "friends" and figure out what he wants to do with life. God has also used it as a place to bring him back to Him...and I can't tell you the joy our family feels that Mike has given his life back to Christ. Anyhow this week we were able to talk through many things that have happened in our lives and it was great! I love his laugh, his bear hugs and his heart. Yesterday we had to say goodbye and that was so hard!!! I took the boys over to my mom's in the morning and Mike and I sat our on the porch for an hour and just talked about his next steps. He really wants to come back home and finish school after he is finished with basic, but right now he has to talk to his recruiting officer because he is part of the National Guard in Florida and has to see if he can transfer. After lunch we got him all packed and took him to the airport...I'm not sure who it was harder for, but we are hoping he can home next month for a week before going to basic so we were trying to stay positive. Today, the boys and I had a play date with my dear friend MJ and her son C-man... I love them both! C-man is 11 months and is so precious to me. We took all of our boys to our favorite coffee shop this morning for a latte and scone and then headed to my house and the boys played in the pool and slip and slide. And the hose was a huge attraction...lol...forget all of the summer toys we buy for them...the green hose was great! MJ and I cracked up and caught up on life and compared stories of our past weeks and motherhood. It's so nice to have a friend to share play dates with. After they left we headed over to Ash's house to drop off all of the tables cloths I washed for her while she was on her honeymoon. If I don't see another table cloth for the next 7 years I'll be great:) We got to catch up with her and Kris for a minute but we didn't want to stay long as they still have to unpack and get ready to jump back into life tomorrow. Plus I have a lot of work to do and wanted to have some down town with the fam... Oh and I forgot to share one of my favorite moments of our whole weekend!!! Last night I decided to have a slumber party with the boys. We brought blankets and "a few stuffed animals"...While I was setting the fort up I asked them to pick out a few animals and their pillow and bring them downstairs. Five minutes later I go upstairs to see their whole bedroom in the hall way...books and all. And of course I wanted to be the cool mom and helped them bring it all downstairs..and they spent a good thirty minutes trying to figure out each animal's sleeping arrangements. We then played memory, read books, and watched episodes of Max and Ruby, Diego, and Backyardagains. I think we finally fell asleep at 11 which never happens but was so worth it. This morning Ky woke me up at 7:30 and was upset because we forgot to play Sequence....so at 8:00 this morning we were up playing Sequence... Tonight we are relaxing and getting ready for the week. I'm so thankful it's a short one. I have two big presentations tomorrow and true Mimi style am waiting until the last minute to put my finishing touches on it. I figure I'll do them while watching The Bathlorette. Before I forget here are a few pictures from a wonderful wedding! I hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th!

She's married!

2010-06-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

This week has been a whirlwind of amazing memories! My brother was here all week and we spent so many hours just talking and catching up. I love talking with him and one of my favorite memories was sitting on the deck of my favorite coffee shop and talking about our past year in depth. Mike and I talk on a weekly basis but I treasured being able to sit across the table from him and talk without interuptions. Ash and I had a lot of fun at the spa spending the day getting pampered, having lunch, and talking about her future with Kris. I loved every minute of our day! Three days before their wedding I started waking up in the middle of the night and couldn't get my brain to shut off...lol and on the morning of her wedding I was up at 4am putting together gift bags for the bridesmaid and had the car packed by 6am. I went and visited with some of my family that came from out of town and was rambling as my coffee had kicked in :) By 10:00 I was getting my hair done and then off to the church we went. Ash was extremely calm (or at least perceived to be) and had a great time chatting it up and getting ready. The tears started flowing as we prayed over her and one of the groomsmen delivered a card from Kris. 20 minutes before the wedding the bridesmaids made a barcade and we dashed down the hall to take some pictures with the photographer before the ceremony began. The actual ceremony was amazing and even though I'm a little partial it truly was one of the neatest weddings I've ever been too. The recited traditional vows but then read their personnel vows to each other and the tears were flowing! Thankfully I had plenty of kleenex :) The reception was a blast and my little man danced the night away while the other didn't stop running! I truly enjoyed catching up with all of our family who came from out of town and wished we could have all stayed together one more day. This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn to take Mike to the airport.....picked our coffee up and away we went. An hour and a half later we pull into the airport only to decide it would be great for him to stay an extra week. And fifteen minutes last after locating a cheap one way ticket we turned around and drove all the way home! That story will make our history book. I'm thankful to have another week with him because I don't know after this when we will see him next. I came home and crashed with the boys who were watching cartons and didn't move until after 4. I just now started moving around the house and taking notes of all that needs to be picked up....ALOT! I'm praying for a first wind and hoping to get some of it down tonight. We'll see...i'm off tomorrow and so glad I took the day! I have to say after being off for a week and spending so much time with the family I'm not looking forward to going back. I love what I do but over the past week I've reflected alot on how much time I truly spend working and frankly haven't felt like cleaning out my inbox at all. I'll post pics soon. I just realized I uploaded them to my laptop but will definately share our fantastic day! Blessings!

She's getting married!

2010-06-24T04:57:00.000-07:00

My sweet sister Ashley is getting married in two days and I can't believe it! She is a couple of years younger than me and one of my best friends! I couldn't be happier for her and have been helping her plan her special day since October. Things are coming together wonderfully and we had a great day at the spa yesterday relaxing! This week has been wonderful for so many reasons. My brother Michael, has lived in Florida for the past 20 months. Since he was in high school he struggled with both alochol and drug addictions both of which got out of control when he was 20 and 21. He made a huge decision 20 months ago that he needs to get clean and have a change of scenery. We couldn't have agreed with him more! And 20 months later he came home for Ashley's wedding and I have been crying almost every day since he has been home. On Sat for the first time in 6 years we went to church as as a family, Mike included and it was awesome! I will treasure that moment for a long time to come. Mike and I have had so many wonderful conversations and have just enjoyed hanging out. The boys have clung to him like white on rice and my youngest is his biggest fan. I'm not sure who is will be harder for when Mike leaves on Sunday, me or them. We took the boys miniature golfing with Mike and Chad and they had a blast! I just praise God for the miracles He has performed in Mike's life and how great it is to have my brother back. Today we are heading to the church to set up which should be fun then I have to find shoes for the boys to go with their tuxes. And somewhere in between all of the I need to figure out what to make for dinner...I'm almost thinking it's going to be a Papa Murphy's night. :)
Oh and before I forget we had family pics done on Sun which was awesome! I just saw a sample of them and had to share. She hasn't done any editing on these so there are a few glares but overall I just lover them! I promise to post pics of the wedding!

So many fun things!

2010-06-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a busy couple of weeks! I went to Greenville South Carolina for a week with work and fell in love with the downtown area! They had so many fun shops and restaurants and I was able to frequent a few. The Lazy Goat and High Cotton were my favorite and there was a Starbucks on the other side of my hotel which was awesome! The bonus for me was being able to see my Grandma, Aunt, and my cousin and her family. I truly enjoyed just hanging out with them and catching up. It was wonderful! My cousin has 5 year old twins and they cracked me up. I'm thankful that I can now see them on a regular basis and get to know them. I flew in and out of Charlotte this time and was on a big plane which made for less turbulence and less anxiety for me. I got home on a Friday evening and had to turn around and fly to Kansas City that Monday. I was not too happy about that and honestly was quite emotional. I missed being home and with my boys and Chad! Noah was graduating from his pre-K program and it broke my heart that I wouldn't be there. It only made it worse when I got to the airport on Monday and found out we were taking a small jet. I had a panic attack and really had to work through that. I kept praying for peace and God truly helped me work through that one. Kansas City was a great trip. I met alot of great people but the long hours were alot. I couldn't keep up with my day to day work because of the late meetings and dinners so I was anxious to get back and just have a few days to catch up. Fortunately, unfortunately I flew back Thursday night and the next evening the festivities for my sister's batchlorette party began. Friday night we went shopping and got everything ready and Saturday at 7am we headed to the train station to head into the city. It was a wonderful trip and all of the girls had a great time. I was a little nervous because there was 7 of us and a variety of ages, but we truly all enjoy each other's company and made a lot of neat memories. I still can't believe she is getting married in two weeks!! Our brother Michael is coming home on Saturday and I can't wait. It's been 20 long months since I've seen him and I just want to give him a huge hug. I'm taking next Tuesday through Friday off and can't wait to have family time with everyone. We are going to have family pictures down on Sunday which will be an amazing gift for all of us! We haven't had a family picture since my youngest sister was a toddler so this will be so special!

Today I took the day off. I woke up exhausted from everything and did just decided to call it a day. I moved my meetings and rolled over and went back to bed. I woke up at 11:34 and had to do a double take at the clock as I can't remember the last time I slep that long, but I know I needed it. My mom came over and we chatted over coffee and played with the boys. It was so wonderful just to sit and talk with my mom...I truly enjoy our friendship and am so thankful that we live in the same town. It's also wonderful to see the relationships she has with our boys and I treasure that! Growing up in a military family we moved my whole life and I saw my grandparents once a year if I was lucky and I'm so thankful that my boys are able to have relationships with all of their grandparents and our siblings.

Here are some pictures from our fun weekend! More of the wedding and family time to come. God Bless!

Praying for peace

2010-05-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm headed to the airport and flying out early in the morning! I'm praying I can fall asleep once I get to the hotel. I've been nervous all day and trying to keep my mind occupied. We had a great day with the boys laying low, playing games and just enjoying being together. I did a ton of laundry so Chad doesn't hve to worry about it while I'm gone. I finished packing and re packing and them we went out to dinner because I couldn't stop pacing...lol. My boss and a co worker are flying with me to sc but I'm staying there longer and flying by myself back home. I know in my heart that God is wiser than I am and I know he knows all of my days and while I should find peace I'm that I can't get my head and heart to be in sync and a peace. Quite honestly I don't think it would be so bad if I didn't have my boys but the thought of not being there for them scares me. Please pray for me..that God will give me peace and calmness. It's been so wonderful being home for the past several week but now I'm gone for the next two weeks and I'm strugglig with that. Thankfully I will be home this Sunday but have to leave again on Monday. The great thing is that I will be off for four days in a row the week my sister gets married and I can't wait! We will be taking family pics as this will be the first time in over three years that we will all be together and I can't wait! Well I hope everyone had a wonderful memorial day weeknd. I know we did an are eapecially thankful for all of the men and women who serve our country!

6years and P90:)

2010-05-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

This weekend the hubby and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary and I enjoyed every minute of our day together. We packed a picnic lunch and headed up north to go hiking for several hours and had a wonderful time together, not to mention a great work out! We talked, laughed, and talked some more. It was warm, sunny, and full of heart filled memories. My favorite part was our picnic lunch by the lake. We drove home and I took a nap them we went to a really nice place for dinner. As we spent the day reflecting on things I thought back to where we spent our anniversary last year. We went away to tennessee and losing mason was still fresh on our minds and hearts. Last year at this time I couldn't get through a day without crying, I had shutdown, and was grasping to find peace. This year as I look back to all we've been through the past year I'm thankful to be where I am at. My heart it full of joy and peace. I'm more in love with my husband then I could possibly imagine! I look into his eyes and my heart still melts. We have been talking and praying for months and have both decided we went to expand our family and plan on trying after my sisitwr gets married next month. We've had some great talks about another baby, some filled with tears, some with smiles, and others revolving around chads concerns of what if. We both agree that God knows where we are and He is the same today as he was yesterday and last year. Not going to lie and say I'm not the least bit nervous because I am, but Im trusting him to be by our side every step of the way. Now I'm more focused then ever to be in better phsical shape.... I was in such better shape last summer which is kind of frustrating, BUT the hubby and I just started doing P90 today and I'm stoked to see how this joirney progresses. We took all of our measurments and pictures! Now I can't wait for our 30 day picture to see the changes. Here is to a great Monday!

Can't sleep

2010-05-05T01:16:00.000-07:00

For the past three days I have woken up out of a dead sleep at 2am....and have felt the need to just pray...and so I have. I've tried to go back to sleep each night and just can't..tonight has been no exception. I switched the laundry over, will probaly head to the kitchen shortly, and plan on going for an early jog at 4am :) But my heart is praying and seeking God's direction and waiting. I've never felt so confident of where I am in life but also feel like He is talking to me to do more and He has my full attention. A few weeks ago I mentioned I had a great idea laid on my heart by the Holy Spirit and I've continued to pray for the past few weeks for confirmation and without a doubt I know this is what he wants me to do for Him at the moment. I've been taking quilting classes since Feb. and am loving it but more than that I've had a desire to use that hobby to serve Him. Haiti has long been on my heart as our church works closely with two orphanages in Haiti and has built a hospital, and sends groups there every couple of months. My sister, her fiance, and several of our friends left Haiti the day the big quake hit last year. Since then God has laid the people of Haiti on my heart Heavily! I'm going to make a quilt and sell it....taking all of money and donating it to our mission fund for Haiti. I've thought of making quilts for the orphans we support but they are living in tents right now and I think I could make more money for them by making a quilt and auctioning it off...what do you think? I've never done this before so i'm not sure if I should sell it on ebay...by word of mouth, make a button for my blog, but regardless i'm going to start sewing and get this quilt made. I know He will take care of the details as the quilt is completed. As my morning begins i'm thankful for His patience with me, for his Grace, and for the cross. More and more I've been reminded this week of whose in control and I can tell you right now it's not me. I was driving home last night and heard this.. "i'm not in control, He is,and His wisdom far surpases mine, and because of that I will put my full trust in Him. And I knew I was meant to hear that because I have been struggling with my fear of flying ever since I drove back from SC. I have to fly back the first week in June and then to Kansas City the following week and i've been dreading it...because of course I won't be in control and someone else will be. But then I heard the above blurp on K-Love and God gently reminded me that He can handle my insecurities.

Veggie Tales and Quilting

2010-04-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad that Spring is here! It has been so nice having the sun out longer, the snow is gone, flowers are planted, and we are enjoying our time together! Chad and I are taking Friday off and having a date day! I'm so looking forward to it. We are traveling to Cedarburg and enjoying the shops and dining! So far I've found a quilting shop, scrapbook shop, pottery place, crepe restaurant, and a winery I went to in the fall. That's what started my fascination with this town. My girlfriend and I toured 13 wineries one weekend and went to the one in Cedarburg...it's the cutest town but we only had time to visit the winery and pottery shop. I've been dying to go back and explore more and Chad has been asking for us to do something fun so there we go! :) I'm definately looking forward to our talks...we always have great ones when we drive. We talk about memories as a child and so many random things..it's great! Saturday we are going with our dear friends to Chicago to show them around the city. They are heading back to Texas next month and have wanted to go and explore. So a few fun filled days ahead and Sunday we will be relaxing with our little men after church and just enjoy being together.
Speaking of my little men...last week I came across a veggie tales devotion for kids that I bought two years ago...At the time the boys weren't old enough to understand the stories but they are at the perfect age right now. I started reading them a story every night before bed followed but the questions they have in the devo. They love it and I've so enjoyed having this special time with them. I can't believe how big they are getting! We had Noah's kindergarden orientation last week and I'm on the verge of tears just thinking about him being in school all day!
In my spare time...which has been limited I have been quilting and loving every minute of it! I just finished my third quilt and will be posting pics soon! I have two more quilts going, one I just started and one i'm finishing up. There just aren't enough hours in the day but this has been something i've always wanted to learn how to do and I'm so thankful for the opportunity that dropped in my lap. At class tonight i dropped of my quilt i've been working on for my friend Dawn who just got married. It should be done next week and then I just have to do the binding.
Well that's the beginning of my week in a nutshell:)

Friday!

2010-04-16T05:46:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to tell you just how happy I am that it is Friday! It has been a week~!! I knew last Thursday that this week was going to be a bear with work and it was but it was also great in that I worked out 4 times already with one of them being 5:15 this morning! Yeah! I'm feeling so refreshed and just motivated which has been such a blessing. Today i'm working from home and I just love it. Being able to sit on my love seat in my yoga pants with my cup of coffee and work makes my week. It's nice not to have the contstant interuptions and I am able to crank through so much email! This weekend is a busy but fun one. Tonight my mom and girlfriend J are coming over for Bible Study. My friend J was in Japan for three weeks so we haven't met in three weeks and I'm just so excited to have fellowship with them tonight and get in the word. I'm making weight watchers pita pizzas with hummus, low fat cheese, peppers, and mushrooms for dinner. I'm hoping the weather stays nice so we can enjoy Bible study on my deck. In the years past I haven't had any problems with my allergies but this spring I've been sneezing up a storm!! I think it has something to do with the pollen levels being so high....but i'm ready for the sneezing to stop! :) Tomorrow i'm going to Chicago with my sister to look for her wedding shoes and our bridesmaid shoes which should be fun. I'm trying to think of something fun to do with the boys in the afternoon and then Sunday we have church and hopefully relaxing as a family. I'm planning on getting a longer workout in tonight after the boys go to bed and hopefully squeeze in some quilting. Chad and I took the boys hiking yesterday and had a blast. We hiked to a little creek and found a lot of frogs and the boys were fascinated. Between throwing rocks, finding "dinosaur fossils" and frogs it was a memorable evening! Well that's me in a nut shull for today. I have a ton of notes from church last week and can't wait to share but will need a bit more time to relay the awesome sermon we heard last week. Happy Friday!

From East to West- And my 100th post!

2010-04-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

What a whirlwind of a week. Monday morning I left early for South Carolina. I was flying on a small jet....and I'm not a good flier. Don't get me wrong...I fly alot more in the past year, than I have in a long time. But I don't like. I don't like not have "control"...for those of you who read my blog regulary i'm sure you know that. :) Flying is no exception....I don't like not being on the ground, and I don't like turbulence... but I've been working on my fear and praying about it alot! Monday's flight went well...landed just find and headed to my families place in Senecca. My business meetings were about 45 minutes from where they live but all of my meetings were moved to Tuesday so I had the afternoon/evening to spend time with them and I loved every minute of it. I hadn't seen my aunt in years and it was great to see my Grams. She normally comes out here once a year and it was such a treat to be able to see their home. My grandma loves to quilt and since I'm fairly new to quilting we have enjoyed comparing notes, mostly me asking a lot of questions:) We had chicken salad for lunch which was amazing! My aunt made it from scratch and it was delicious. I had to work for a bit but afterwards they drove me around their town and took me to this cute resteraunt on a dock and we had appetizers and a couple glasses of wine and just talked. I loved it! Afterwards we went back to their place and I headed for my hotel. My meetings were the next day and I would fly back home shortly thereafter. I was rather dissapointed because my cousin Rebecca, her husband, and three kids live three blocks from my aunt, uncle, and Grams but they were in Charleston for Easter/spring break and weren't going to be back until Tuesday. I haven't seen Rebecca in 15 years but we have always been so close. Tuesday I spent much of the late afternoon at the airport working waiting for my plane...another small jet. As soon as we took off I knew something was wrong....we took off but didn't get up as high as we should have...this I knew because we were still below the clouds minutes after take off..and the plane felt like it was gliding...then the pilot called the flight attendent and I watched her eyes get big...and my heart sank. Two of my biggest fears is dying in a plane or drowning. She got on the phone and told us the plane was having mechanical problems, the pilot was on the phone with ATC, and they were going to TRY to get back to the airport. That is when I lost it. I looked at the man in front of me with his head in his hand...the lady next to me looked like a ghost and I just cried...thankful I had told my boys just how much I love them...thankful I told Chad I loved him...and then I started talking to God....asking for forgiveness for all of the wrong I have done and how sorry I was for not doing everything I should have this side of eternity. I couldn't see out the window so I kept asking the lady next to me if she could see the airport or landing strip and she told me she wasn't sure what she saw...the plane was still low and I was afraid he was going to try and land on the highway...but then he turned the plane and we made it to the runway....and I wept....They deplaned us and took all of the luggage off and I was shaking.....and couldn't stop. So thankful to be on the ground and just wanted to hear Chad's voice. I think I called him every 10 minutes that first hour...poor guy. The airport staff was trying to rebook everyone on connecting flights but I knew I couldn't get on a plane right then...I just couldn't. I called my boss, got a rental car and headed back to my aunt and uncles. I decided that I would drive home...crazy I know...but that's what I needed to do for me. I wasn't emotionally ready to get back on a plane...rationally I know that thousands of planes fly a day and the chances of my next flight having mechanical problems were slim to none but I just couldn't get all of the pictures out of my head of my time in the air...and need some time. I spent the next day in Senecca and it was a blessing. When I drove back Tuesday evening I went to my cousins and had dinner with everyone and it was great! I got to meet my cousins three kids who are precious and just enjoyed being with family. I worked all day Wed and then Wed night had dinner with everyone again and just talked. Thurs morning I got up at 4am and started the 14 hour drive home...and it went well. I still can't believe I drove from SC to Chicago to WI in one day but I did and it was great. I had a lot of time to think, talk to God, pray, enjoy talking to friends/family and thinking alot! I rolled in last night around 8 and crashed!!! I gave the boys and Chad big hugs and was just to thankful to be home safely. I worked from home today and we took the boys to see "How to train a dragon" and loved it! I'm not much for cartoon movies but I just loved it and will definately be buying it when it comes out on DVD. Now Chad is going to grill turkey burgers, then it's bedtime for the boys and I'm hoping to muster some energy to quilt, but I don't know...i'm still pretty tired. So there is my week in a nutshell and today is my 100th post!!! It's hard to believe I've posted that many times. As look back at different posts I'm thankful for this blog for so many reasons! It's become a place for me to put my thoughts down, write special memories, reflect on life and all that is happening. I've also made some new friends, and at the end of the day just want to be used for His plan. I have many inperfections but am enjoying being molded by the Potter!

He is Risen!

2010-04-04T16:13:00.000-07:00

What an amazing couple of days! As Easter approached this year I have been reflecting on all that Jesus did for us...and have been humbled to tears! I was thinking about him on that cross.....hanging there with thorns on his head...nails in his feet and hands and just cry. He did that for me.....and for all of us. He took all of my sins...past, present, and future and died for them! I've been thinking alot about Mary today and how hard it must have been for her to see her "son" on the cross. I can't even begin to imagine what must have been going through her head...was she at peace, was she screaming...how did she feel when she went to his tomb the next day....and then again when she saw him again? There aren't many times in history that I wish I was alive during but that time would have been one of them. To touch his hands, be at his feet, hear his voice. Im in awe and oh so thankful for the sacrifice He made for us. I'm thankful that I can live my life with hope that I will see Him one day. Today has been wonderful! The boys and I planted some flowers today...and i'm so excited to watch them bloom! Tulips, lilies, and more lilies! I can't wait. We then went to my in laws where the boys did an easter egg hunt, had lunch, read the Easter story, and all came home for a much needed nap! I'm getting ready to head to SC for business tomorrow and would honestly rather just be home. I'm not even motivated to pack! I'm only going to be gone two days and I'm glad it's a short trip because i'm missing my family already!. Here are a few of my favorite pics from our day today! Enjoy.

WW...Bridesmaid Dress...and Flowers!

2010-03-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

This weekend is starting off busy but fun!! My sister right below me is getting married in June...June 26th to be exact. I'm so excited for her and her fiance!! He's an amazing man and loves her so much. She asked me to be her matron of honor and i'm thrilled! This morning we got up early and went to meet with the Florist to look at flowers and figure out what she wants. It was a blast! I love the colors she chose and know they will look amazing. Afterwards we met up with my mom and other sisters and headed down to Illinois to get fitted for our bridesmaid dresses. So glad to get that checked off our list! I have started tracking with Weight Watchers again and have been tracking religiously and you know what...I love it! I wish I could eat whatever I want and be a size two but that's just not the case. My goal is to be healthy in my skin...there isn't a magic number I want to reach on the scale..I just want to feel good, be healthy, and get to a weight I'm happy with before we have any more kids. The past three weeks have been great and i'm actually excited to weigh in tomorrow and see my results for this week. I have the WW app on my iphone and love it!!! Having Ash's wedding is a great motivator and following her wedding is a trip to SC and Florida and I have the cutest bikini that I will wear! Tonight I'm hanging out with the men in my life, hopefully getting some quilting in, and baking. My family is coming over tomorrow to celebrate Easter as half of them will be in Florida next week on Easter. The boys are thrilled that they will have two Easter egg hunts. :) Here's to a great week and weeekend with family! God Bless.

A beautiful Wednesday!

2010-03-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

Today was absolutely gorgeous!!! We had a high of 63 and I loved every minute of it. I opened our windows, brought our patio set out, and Chad cooked on the grill tonight. Chiptole turkey breast with red and yellow peppers!! Yum. After dinner the boys played on the trampoline and I made a cup of blueberry coffee and sat in my favorite chair on the deck and savored the fresh air! This week has been a busy one. One of my younger sisters was rush to the ER in the middle of the night on Monday and has been in the hospital since. She has endometriosis and syncopy and has been coping with excruciating pain post surgery three weeks ago. She's scheduled to go to a pain clinic but can't get in until next month. Please pray for her, my mom, and siblings. My poor mom is just worn out as they have spent so much time at/in the hospital over the past 6 months. Because my siblings are military dependents my mom has to take them to a hospital that is 45 minutes away. Chad and I have been taking care of my youngest sister and took her to my mom's this afternoon. I have a hard time being patient with the system and the meds that Sarah is having to take. She is on many narcotics and because of the dosage and length she has been on the meds her body has formed an immunity and they are now trying a different set of meds. So aside from the craziness there I'm looking forward to the weekend and being at home. I also just found out that there is a good chance my best friend will be coming back from Germany for 8 months as her husband is scheduled to deply in August. While I'm sad for them that he has to leave, I'm excited to be able to spend time with her and my godbabies. I've alreay warned Chad that I plan on going to Texas for a long weekend every month while she is home. :)

Spring is almost here!

2010-03-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you how happy I am to see the sun out longer, the snow melting, and the temperature increasing!! Yes, I have spring fever in a bad way!!! I can't wait to open my windows up, let the fresh air in and turn the heat off. I'm looking forward to running outside again and most of all sitting on my deck sipping on coffee or wine, and enjoying the boys running around in our backyard!
Life in general has been so busy lately...full of fun opportunities but busy just the same. I have been traveling alot with work. While I enjoy seeing new places and meeting great people I miss being away from the boys! Chad was able to come with me on my last trip and we took a couple of extra days to see NYC which was a blast. I dragged him to see Carlos's bakery (The Cake Boss) in Jersey and loved every minute of it!! I have pics to post soon. I also started taking quilting classes a month ago. Don't laugh but learning how to quilt has been on my bucket list for years and the opportunity fell into my lap. So every Tuesday night I drive in from the city make a cup of coffee and head off to quilting class. Slowly i'm becoming a night person and staying up until the wee hours quilting. I love it!
The boys are doing fantastic and getting so big. We just registed N for kindergarten and Ky is right behind him heading to 1/2day school in the fall. Their personalities are blossoming and I love just listening to them talk to either other. We are so blessed and I don't take it for granted. Being a mom is truly the most amazing gift and I'm thankful for each day I have with them.
God has been working on my heart over the past month and I can't tell you what a peace he has given me just about everything. I finally feal like I have "turned the corner" and am moving forward with all that HE has for me. He's been putting a lot on my heart about serving others for Him and has brought some neat opportunities to do so. Once I have all of the details figured out I can't wait to share them with you. I'm also doing a Bible study with my mom and girlfriend. We are studying Esther, the Beth Moore Bible study and I am loving it. I have done two Beth Moore studies in the past but have often felt overwhelmed by them because they are packed full of good stuff but at the same time alot to complete in a week. We decided to go through what we can and not set a time limit. It's been awesome spending two weeks talking about the first chapter of Esther. God has blessed our early morning meetings on Saturdays!!
If there is anything I can pray about for you please let me know!! Prayer is so powerful.

Almost a year

2010-02-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

I get choked up just thinking about this past year and all that has happened. Next Tuesday will be a year since Mason died. It will be a year since I gave birth to my tiny little boy and buried him days later. I can't even begin to tell you just how hard it is to write those words. I wish I could stop the tears but just thinking about those moments brings back a flood of memories, memories that are often still sitting at the surface. I remember when I found out we were pregnant with Mason...I remember telling my girlfriend and then not telling anyone..I desperately wanted to wait until I made it through my first tri-mester and was thrilled when I did without any complications. As long as I live I will never forget that Sunday and coming home from church and just not feeling right. That moment of horror waking up in the middle of night knowing my water broke, and knowing that what I was about to experience is every mothers worst fear. For me it was knowing that not only was I going into pre-term labor, i knew he was too small to survive. I will never forget my precious husband by my side...holding my hand and kissing my face...I will never forgot the nurses telling me they could feel his feet and that it wouldn't be long. I will never forget holding him, his tiny body in my hands. And the list continues of those moments that are etched in my memory as if they are pictures replaying. Amongst those memories are those of people God placed in our path to help us through. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only did He not forsake me...but He held me the whole time and still does on those rough days and hours. And believe me there are still many. I'd be lying if I said my faith hasn't been tested to it's core, but in that same breath He has shown me love in a way that has brought me to my knees. He has taken every scream, and tantrum, and awful word with grace and never let go. I know it sounds cliche but it's true...I know that had He not held me up I would not be here today and it's just that simple, period. For that I am grateful. I am grateful that my Father is strong enough to handle all of my days and mold me still. I'm thankful for a husband who has stood by my side and never left...this year has challenged our marriage and there have been times where I wasn't sure we could make it, but God has made our marriage stronger. It can still be rough..this past month has been no exception. As the days get closer I know I have distanced myself and pulled back...I know because Chad's told me...even tonight. I know sooner than later I will let it all out but honestly I've just had a hard time putting words to my feelings. I miss him. I miss what we don't have and that is Mason here. I wish I could see him with his brothers...what he looks like at 3 months, 6 months...all of those mile stones...but I can't. Most days I rest in knowing that he's happy and taken care of by the same Father who takes care of me...but sometimes I wish I could just kiss him one more time.

It's been awhile

2010-01-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since i've posted. I stop by at least a few times a week to check up on the blogs I follow and pray for everyone but for some reason I just haven't felt like posting. Don't get me wrong there's been plenty to write about and often I've started the blogs in my head as i'm driving only to come home and be too tired to sit down and take the time to write. The last two months have been good for the most part. We had a wonderful Christmas and I truly enjoyed the time off of work to spend with my wonderful family. The new year has started off rather busy. I was in Jersey for a few days two weeks ago and Dallas this past week and honestly I'm just glad to be home. I miss being away from the boys and don't know how I could travel every week. Today has been a wonderful lazy Saturday! We took the boys out to get some new fish as their old fish Olivia died last week. We found a dinosaur fish aquarium and they were thrilled. I wasn't planning on getting more than two goldfish but thought it was too cute to pass up. This afternoon I treated myself to a massage and am now just hanging out getting ready to make turkey tacos for dinners. Yum! I have so much to do and am hoping for some energy to I can cross some items off of my list. More to share once I get more time. God's Blessings!

Winter Wonderland!

2009-12-09T14:26:00.000-08:00

Well winter has officially showed it's face to Wisconsin!!! It came full speed ahead with a blizzard...i'm not exactly sure how many inches we got as it hasn't stopped snowing yet but i'm pretty sure we've past 15 inches. To top that off our power went off at 7:00 this morning and Chad was already at work so he had to come back and take us to my moms...i'm hoping the power is back on when we get home. We had to take all of our groceries out to our garage to make sure they stayed warm..i didn't want to risk having all of our food go bad after I just went grocery shopping on Sunday for the next two weeks. Besides the snow we are getting ready for Christmas and enjoying the holidays for the most part. The boys are thrilled about Christmas and love looking at all of the lights as we drive through neighborhoods. We even decided to put lights up outside this year and luckily we had them up before our first snow. I don't have a whole lot of new pictures to share but will take some more soon. I'm hoping to take the boys's annual Christmas picture by the tree this weekend :)

Well gotta run and get us packed up as we are planning on heading home soon to check on our home. Keep your fingers crossed that the power is up and running!

Door County

2009-11-28T19:44:00.000-08:00

Ever since I moved to Wisconsin I have heard so many good things about Door County Wisconsin. I've always wanted to go and haven't been able to, unless you count my thirty minute drive through a few months ago, until now. A couple of weeks ago my dear friend Jill, her mom, and I packed up and started our journey north. We started out on the unofficial wine tour 2009 part two. Excited doesn't even begin to describe how thrilled I was to embark on our trip. We had met earlier that week and planned our excursion...the plan to visit 13 wineries in two days while exploring door county. Our first stop, Cedarburg Wisconsin...Cedar Creek Winery. I LOVED IT!!! Cedarburg is the cutest town with so many adorable shops. The winery was amazing and I enjoyed listening to Jane, our hostess, share information with us about all of the wines we tried. There was also this adorable pottery shop along with many other shops in the same buidling but we weren't able to visit all of them. I did make a mental note that I want to go back and spend the day exploring this town as it is so darn cute. We headed to Vine to Cellar next but they didn't open until noon...which was unfortunate but didn't burst our bubble:) Off we went to Trout Springs. Now let me tell you how hilarious this place was. The wine was extremely sweet and I actual enjoyed trying the dryer, bold red wines more. They also had this amazing salmon patte that I wish I would have bought! The funny part was their driveway, or lack of one. Poor Jill had to park on a tilt on the side of their driveway. It was a site watching us all try to get in and out of her car. I think we were all holding our breath that the car wouldn't tip. Thankfully it didn't and from there we headed to lunch. We found this fun brewery that had great wisconsin burgers and wraps, which was perfect! After lunch we went to Ledgestone Winery, which is one of my favorite locations. The owner did a great job with the building and he has a variety of wines from all over the world, including the wines he makes. While we all decided our favorite wine was Inkberry, an amazing red Austrailian wine, my favorite part was when we were leaving and I opened the car door and went to get in the car and realized it wasn't our car. That's right I was having so much fun and laughing that I wasn't even paying attention to what car I was getting into and opened a car that wasn't even ours. I completely lost it and couldn't stop laughing...what was even funnier was that Jill and her mom were calling for me and then realized what I did. We were in histerics laughing after that. And so the memory making weekend continued. Next on our stop, Parrallel 44...a neat yellow italian looking building in the middle of a corn field in the middle of nowhere. It was at this winery that I stumbled across the first port I have ever liked. It didn't have any brandy in it and it was esquisite! We took a few more pictures and headed off towards Von Stiel Winery. I have been to this winery before and love the selection of wine they have! I'm not kidding I think they have over 30 wines to choose from. My favorite wine from this winery is a red wine called, Naughty Girl. It is fantastic with pasta, burgers, and fajitas! We finished our tasting here and headed into sturgeon bag (door county)..excited doesn't even begin to explain how thrilled I was!! We picked up Sonny's pizza, which was to die for and headed to Jill's grandmas. Her grandma was so sweet! By the time we got there it was about 5:30 and I was exhausted!! I could have so crashed but we had dinner and went to see her cousin in a play at the local high school. I really enjoy plays and was looking forward to watching the musical but as soon as we sat down I crashed and I don't mean got comfortable...I literally fell aslepp, head bobbinh in all!!! I felt horrible and tried my best to stay awake. I felt so old at that moment and was laughing inside at just hold old and tired I felt. We went back to her grandmas afterward and I was out in minutes. Sunday morning we got up and headed to Door County Coffee shop...my dream coffee!!! The flavors they have make my mouth water and it was so hard to pick two pounds. We all settled on a peanut butter mocha which was a great way to start our day. The sun was shining and the day was perfect for shopping. We found a neat candle shop more wineries and then headed in the car for a complete tour of door county. I have to say that my favorite spot was Cape Point!!! Breathtaking doesn't even begin to describe it, but the drive was so worth it. Overall the weekend was filled with laughter, great company, and wine teasting galor. I can't wait to go back with Chad and the boys and explore more. I have a feeling Door County is going to become one of those places we visit often. Here are a few pics from my weekend!

Conclusions...

2009-10-31T22:16:00.000-07:00

Today has been a busy but peaceful day. It started off on a soccer field and was so cold we canceled the game. The kids practiced for 20 minutes but then we headed home. I got up early went to the gym and then did some Christmas shopping before the boys' game. In between running around, tricker treating, and watching a movie, I've had a lot of time to think and have come to several conclusions:

* I must workout every day! I say this because I can tell when I don't I get worked up easier, don't have a whole lot of patience, and working out is a healthy release for me.
* I have addiction tendoncies..i'm not even sure if this is the correct way of sayign what I want to, but bare with me. I come from a family that has addiction tendancies...my father and grandfather are both alcholics, my sister has an eating disorder, my brother is a recovering drug addict, and the list continues. I am very aware of these behaviors in our family and am very conscious that I too could be one step away from falling into alcohlism if i'm not careful. I've been thinking about this alot today and in looking back over the past month and a half..i went from working out at least 4 days a week to 0..when I got my cast on my foot the workouts came to a screaching halt..and with that halt came another vice if you will...eating. I have always struggled with emotionally eating....or just eating when I'm bored, but mostly it's eating when i'm upset about it and don't know/or want to feel what I'm feeling. These past 6 weeks not only have I strayed from WW (weight watchers) and tracking my points, but I have started to indulge in sweets more than I have in the past 6 months... so much so that today I decided i'm addicted to chocolate and need to just not eat it. I'm not saying this to sound funny or dramatic but I honestly know that for me I'm not good at saying I will only have one piece...one turns into two, two to four and so on. It doesn't matter if it's a cookie, brownie, ice cream...and if i'm being honest, which that is why I have this blog, I have indulged in more that one chocolate item almost every day for the past two weeks and it makes me mad. So much so that today I took the control back and decided to not have chocolate for the next 365 days. I want to see if I can do it... i don't want an item of food to hold this type of control over me and it stops today. So I made it..my first day without anything chocolate and I'm back to tracking my points and had a fantastic workout this morning! Now i know this is going to be hard for me but i'm gonig to take one day at a time and make an effort to journal (blog) my feelings more than push them down.
* I miss having parents. My mom is one of my best friends, but frankly I've parented her since I can remember. I haven't spoken to my dad in over three years and prior to that we spoke for 6 months and before that we hadn't spoken in over 2 years. I remember being a daddy's girl when I was little...I adored him and wanted to be just like him. I strived to make him proud and was intent on his every word. When I was 10 he went overseas to fight in the desert storm and came back a changed person. He became an alcohlic and as the years progressed so did his addiction and his addiction turned abusive in many ways. He went back overseas for another tour to Afg and IQ for 2 1/2 years and was wounded. We reconnected via emial while he was overseas and we began talking to each other once he got back to the states.. Unfortunately things happened and we now don't speak. Today I missed him...the dad I knew as a child. I miss having a parent to go to for advice..a parent to lean on... just something that was on my heart today.
* I adore my husband- I really do. Even when we argue over the dumbest things like, "why didnt you put the house keys on the peg by the door"... I just love him. I'm so thankful God brought him into my life.
* I miss Mason... I saw our dears friends and their son C, who would have been 3 weeks younger than Mason...and my heart wept. I wonder what he would have looked like at 3 months, whose temperment he would have... I just miss him.
* I love Sundays...it our day of rest and I try really hard not to do a whole lot and just look forward to them.

We took the boys out for Halloween and went to several friends/family so they could see them dressed up. It was a lot of fun, but I know understand why mom's often get minivans! I still don't want one but appreciate them a little more after jumping in and out of the explorer today. The boys crashed once we got home and Chad and I watched the movie Duplicity. I really liked it but had a hard time following it and was completely thrown off by the ending. I'm going to have to watch it again and pick up what I missed. Now i'm ready to finally crash! I couldn't about an hour ago and thought I'd write a bit and it seems to have calmed my busy brain down. Here are a fews pics from tonight.

Surprise party and flu all in the same week!

2009-10-29T14:21:00.001-07:00

So my honey turned the big 30 on Sunday! I have been planning a surprise party for him for the past two months and it turned out great! All of our family came and we had a lot of laughs. Chad has always liked Star Wars, and I just don't, but I wanted his party to have all of his favorites so the theme was Star Wars! I bought Lego Star Wars shirts for the boys to wear, Had a life size cardboard cutout of Darth Vader, Star Wars balloons, etc. His sister picked him up for lunch and that is when everyone came and we set up the party. Everyone parked a street over so when he came home and we yelled surprise you could tell he was in shock! IT was perfect!! Chad is my biggest supporter and deserved to have a day to celebrate him. I'll post pics soon. Monday we both took off work and spent the day shopping and just hanging out. It was great to just talk, laugh, and be together. I even made a dent in my Christmas shopping. Most of all I just enjoyed our conversations. We always have such a wonderful time talking whenever we go out and Monday was no exception. However on the way home from IL I started to feel horrible, feverish, dizzy, and not right at all. And that carried over to Tues, Wed, and today. I have had a horrible headache, fever, problems breathing, aches, you name it. I talked to a triage nurse who said I have upper respitory influenza. I had to laugh...only because I really just need a break from the craziness of hospitals. I did work from home yesterday but took today off and have couched it all day. I have been a complete tube head and slept a lot. I'm feeling a little better tonight and haven't had a fever today which is great! I'm hoping I feel good enough to go to work in Chitown tomorrow as I have a big project to complete for next week. On another fun note, we found the cutest dinosaur costumes for the boys!!! I can't wait to post pics. They look so darn cute. T, who watches them, made trail mix with them today and had a costume parade. I can't wait to see pics. They just love dressing up like dinosaurs! We are going to get professional pics done in two weeks and I might just have to have them take a couple of shots with them in their costumes. I'm planning on giving pictures of them framed to the grandparents and aunts and uncle for Christmas this year. I can't believe I'm already talking about Christmas. Where did the year go? That's all that's going on around here this week. Have a blessed day!

Catching up!

2009-10-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks! We were in Chicago two weeks ago for the Chicago marathon and that was a blast! My sister Ash ran in it and we were so excited to be there to support her. We stayed at a friend's loft downtown and it was perfect! There was 6 of us there to watch her and we had a lot of fun making our way around the city. My aunt and cousins came up from the burbs and we got to do lunch and some shopping with them which was a blast!

Last week i went to Greenville for the day and that was fun! I got to fly on the corporate jet which was an experience. I felt like a little kid and couldn't sleep the night before because i was so excited. Greenville was warm but I didn't get to see much of the city since I was in meetings all day.

This weekend my hubby turns the big 30! I have been planning a surprise party for him with our families and a surprise dinner in two weeks with our close friends and can't wait to see the look of surprise on his face! He loves Star Wars and I don't so I thought it would be perfect to have a Star Wars theme for his 30th! I bought the cutest Lego star wars shirts for the boys to wear and all kinds of decor for the house! It should be a fun filled day and we have tomorrow of to spend time together which will be so nice.

Right now i'm just enjoying the last bit of fall before it starts snowing! I'm hoping to make some pumpkin scones today and find my favorite pumpkin for decoration! I got it at an apple orchard last year and packed it away some place good! We took the boys to a pumpkin farm yesterday and had a wonderful time picking out their pumpkins and carving them at home. I never carved pumpkins when I was little so it was a whole new experience! Overall the past couple of weeks have been so busy but fun. We are busy straight through Thanksgiving but with so many fun things to do. I love spending time with our family and friends and making memories as we go. Above are a few pics from the past few weeks that I thought you would enjoy!

National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss

2009-10-15T15:36:00.000-07:00

As I sit here and type the tears stream down my face. My heart breaks as I remember my precious son Mason and the day I lost him. It is one of those moments that will forever be etched in my memory and never be forgotten. I remember the days after...his funeral...leaving the hospital without him, crying, screaming out to God why? I remember the numbness and the subsequent pain that consumed me for many days/months to follow. I'm so thankful for my precious friends who stood by me as I grieved and tried so hard to put the pieces together. I'm so thankful for their love, patience and support. Beyond that I give all of the Glory to God, because friends I know without Him I would not be here today, and I don't write that to be dramatic but to share the truth. While what I experienced was terrifying it would have been horrific if I had not know Christ and had Him to be my stronghold. There were many many days where I couldn't get out of bed...and everything was hard...there were more bad days then good and it was here that HE met me. It was here that He literally helped me get through those angry tears of anguish and it make it another day. Slowly the bad days turned to good days, and the good days turned to great...the saying one step forward two steps back became very true. But it felt so good to laugh again and to be able to mother my children at home. For quite some time after Mason died I shutdown and just couldn't function. I never questioned where Mason was but I sure asked Why alot. I find peace today knowing that God's plan for my life is perfect, I know he cried/cries with me on those bad days, I know He is holding my son now, I know my son is experiencing a life in Heaven I can't wait to have, I know one day we will be reunited, I know until then I will rejoice in my Father's love and calling for my life. I will do my best to love my children, family and friends with the love of Christ that He has showered on me. I will have bad days even still but know in the midst of them He is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. He is who i trust and for me...that is enough. I pray for all of you who have experienced the loss of a child. I now share in that loss and my heart is truly burdened for you. God has brought so many amazing women into my life via the blog world since I started my blog and I have been blessed to read so many of your blogs and be touched by them. Tonight I will hug my children before they go to bed and remember just how lucky I am...to have my sons here on earth and my son in heaven. They have all touched my life and I will never be the same because of them. Blessings~

Apple donuts, Apple cider, and Mums!

2009-10-05T15:33:00.000-07:00

I love fall!!! It is my favorite season! I could wear a sweatshirt and jeans every day and be content. I love the smell of leaves burnging, apple orchards, sweet corn, leaves changing colors, crisp mornings, and coffee on the porch. These are just a few of my favorite things about fall. This weekend my friend Michelle and I took the boys to my favorite apple orchard and had a wonderful time! The boys loved having their picture taken and we made a stop in the cafe before we left for some warm apple cider, apple cider donuts, and apple pie! It was a wonderful day trip after church and we made it home in time for naps:) This week is turning out to be insanely busy but I'm trying to stay positive and hoping to get my cast off on Wed. This weekend Chad and I are going to Chicago to watch my sister run in the Chicago Marathon! We are so excited for her and to top that she just got engaged yesterday!

Blessed and then some..

2009-10-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a wonderful week! Let me back up though and fill you in on my wine tour that I went on with my girfriend from Alaska! Here's where it gets comical..so I am horrible with Wisconsin geography. I can barely tell you where I live let alone direct you to any major city beside Madison or Milwaukee...and I just figured out four years ago that Milwaukee is east of where I live and not west lol! Well anyway I have a wine tour map and was going to put together a list for my friend D and I so she knew which wineries we were going to go to. I planned on going to a few that I had gone to a couple of months ago with my friend Jill. I thought they were by "the lake". Well the week of our tour I couldn't find my map and my friend D called to confirm we were still going to get together. I told her I couldn't find my map but wanted to give her the list so she knew where we were going. She had one and rattled off a few names and said they are by "the lake" right? I agreed and we made plans to get together bright and early Sat morning. She picked me up, we stopped at my favorite coffee shop and off we went. As i'm looking at her list of wineries I realize that none of them except for one are the ones I was thinking about and frankly they didn't ring a bell. When I opened her map I realized "the lake" she was talking about was Sturgeon Bay and not Lake Michigan which come to find out is no where near the wineries I was talking about to begin with. Long story short our get together was amazing and we laughed so hard, it was great!

This week was a busy one but wonderful! Work is going well, we had our first parent teacher conference for Noah, the boys had a soccer this morning, and tomorrow we are going to an apple orchard after church. Oh and we met a couple at church two weeks ago and have been talking to them after church the last two weeks and I think we might get together sometime! I'm so excited because we really don't have any close friends at our church and I have been praying that we would meet a couple that we could do stuff with!

Tonight Chad is having a few buddies over so i'm going to be hanging out in my family room, organizing my calendar, our google calendar, and my menu for the week~! I'm also reading Crazy Love for Bloom and need to catch up on my posts there as well. All in all it's busy right now but i'm loving every minute of it. Fall is my favorite season so i'm eating up the sweatshirt weather, apples, pumkin butter, and leaves changing.

Here are some recent pics I thought you might like! Have a Blessed weekend.

It's Friday~!!

2009-09-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

Well friend's it been a week!!! My car broke down while driving to Chicago today but ptl I was able to make it back to where my husband works and then had it jumped and made it to our mechanic. It's now fixed but was not a good start to my day!!! I started class up again this semester and really struggled with dropping it but decided to stick with it. I'm thankful that I am because once I'm down with this class I can transfer to a school closer to Chicago. Tomorrow i'm getting together with a dear friend of mine from Alaska! She moved to Madison a couple of years ago and we try and get together at least once a month. We are going to go to a couple of wineries tomorrow which should be a lot of fun. I will post pictures when we get back. I'm getting ready to take the boys to get their hair cut and getting mine washed! I can't wait. I will be so glad when I can stand on my feet in the shower and wash my own hair!! God is good though as always and I know he is bigger then my circumstances. I'm praying for a peaceful weekend, and can't wait to share my adventures tomorrow!

A Fractured Foot and His Timing

2009-09-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

What a week! Well I have been working at my new job for six weeks now and while I love it, it's definately put a bump in my normal workout routine! We have a gym at both companies and I used to work out on my lunch hour every day and then go for a run four nights a week and do some other kind of cardio at the Y the rest of the week...inserts new job and long cummute and out goes my lunch workout because I don't work a full day at my Chicago office. Well it's been frustrating to me not being able to workout because that has become a huge outlet for me over the last several months and I've missed it. So Monday night I went for a long run and when I got home I couldn't stand on my left foot...yep I knew as soon as I took my running show off that I had done something to it...Go me!! You see my left foot has been bothering me the last two months but I've just been chalking it up to a pulled muscle. So the hubby took me to the hospital on Tuesday and the doctor looked at my X-Rays and foot and said that I not only had tendonitis, some other itis I can't pronounce or spell, and a stress fracture. I left in a big air cast and crutches...inserts God...you see I'm a go go girl..never seem to SLOW down and always running. Usally these things happen to me when God is trying to get my attention. Years ago the same thing happened..I got pheumonia, mono, and a fractured foot all within a three month period. God spoke to me in a big way while I was home and on the couch and taught me a lot. Would I have taken the time to really listen otherwise about what He was specifically speaking to me about otherwise..I don't know but He did and I was blessed. Jump ahead 7 years to this week and this week is our "Go Live" Integration which is my big project I've been working on since March..and all of my staff from Chicago is up to implement it and where have I been...? At home on the couch elevating my leg and frustrated because I feel like I've let my team down. But God has been so good and my boss has been amazing at telling me to stay home, rest, and they can take it from here. I know God is trying to teach me something and I'm pretty sure it all goes back to giving up another area of false sense of "control" but I'm making sure to be still and listen, and pray, and study his Word...don't get me wrong I try to on a daily basis, but I would be lying to you if I said I made a point to be in the word every day. Sorry for the rambling but thought I would share what's happened this week. Tonight I'm sitting at home with my youngest next to me playing his big brother's DS and enjoying just sitting with him. We are going to go outside and water the flowers soon and then my girlfriend is bringing over a bottle of wine to share on our patio! She called just a bit ago to cheer me up and i'm stoked. Can't wait. Fall is here and i'm loving the cooler weather. I really want to go to an apple orchard and hoping to fit that in one of the weekends to come.

Crazy Love!

2009-09-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

What a week...one filled with rough moments and good moments...God has used them all. This weekend was wonderful! I got to spend a lot of time with the boys and has Noah's birthday party at our home today. It was so much fun but always a production getting ready as I come from a big family and getting just our immediate family together is at least 20 people. It was a blast though and fun had by all. I joined Bloom..the book club started by Angie Smith and just finished reading the first chapter of Crazy Love and am hooked already! What an amazing book. I'm so excited to see what God is going to teach me as I read this book. I've already got so much to think about and go back and re read. I'm so excited to be part of this book club and am also starting a Bible study with my mom. We are doing Beth Moore's Bible study, Ester. I can't wait!! Tomorrow starts day one and i'm looking forward to growing and seeing what God is going to teach me and I dive into these studies and His word. This week is a big one at work as we "Go Live" with our integration tomorrow and I have a ton of homework for my stats class i'm taking. I'm just taking one day at a time and thankful for all that He has blessed me with. Have a graet evening everyone! Blessings.

Having a moment

2009-09-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

This week is going to be a rough week! We go live with our integration next week and there is so much yet to be done and honestly i just feel drained at this moment. If i'm being honest..nothing specific triggered it, it's not a milestone date, it's just a moment where I feel weak, tired, sad, and empty. I know an hour from now i'll be fine...i know tomorrow will be better, but at this moment i'm angry...I'm angry that Mason isn't here...i'm angry that I struggle often, I'm angry that some days it just feels so hard to be here, I'm angry that my life can't go back, I'm angry. The tears keep welling...my husband knows i'm having a moment and asks if I need/want to go talk to W...but I don't. Don't get me wrong she has been a great tool in my life but right now i'm just feeling....and I know that's part of it...but i'm tired of the feeling, the good days, great days, putting it on paper, and even going back and forth through all of the motions. It's just draining and even though I'm ok writing about it because in all honestly I don't have to go to work and see any of you tomorrow, I don't have to feel like I need to explain or re explain or apologize after I have my moment and that makes it easier, because i'm exhausted just talking to those I care about and see on a daily basis...it's draining... I love my friends, family, have wonderful co workers, but I feel like i'm grasping for straws some days trying to come up with something funny to say, or even just put on a smile and keep up with the conversation at hand. Again this isn't every day just some days, some day is today...and today I just wish I could run away.

Hope out of Ashes

2009-09-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hope...a word until recently meant so much but as seven months ago became a word that kept me going. It was the hope that God promises that I will see my son again, the hope that he would help me through a pain I've never felt before, the hope that he would get me through the challenges that came hours, day, weeks, and still months after losing Mason. Hope a small word with a big meaning, a word that has given me peace, a word that I hold onto. It's so easy to lose hope...it's easy to dwell on the bad, the hard days, the anger, the pain, but then there's that whisper that speaks to my heart..."Have Hope"..."I will Carry You"...."Let my hand uphold you"...It's the Holy Spirit guiding me and it's God's strength, love, and HOPE, that help me get through that day, enjoy the week, laugh again, and live. Here's a link to the song I was sharing with you yesterday...that says so eloquently what my heart needs to hear. I pray that you will rest in the Hope God offers, and may His Hand of Peace hold you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

I was reading Angie's blog today and stumbed across incourage and am excited to go back and check it out. http://www.incourage.me/ I think it's a great place to check in with others and gain great advice, comfort, friends, ideas, and more.

Friendships, Grace, Grief

2009-09-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted and alot has happened. As I sit here tonight my heart is heavy but also thankful at the same time. I have a dear friend who I have know for almost six years...we have been through alot together and she has been my prayer warrior so many times through out the years. She has prayed for me daily and I know this because she tells me but I always know when I'm having a bad day I will hear from her via email or a phone call, because I kid you not the Holy Spirit always leads her to reach out to me. My dear friend has health problems so bad that I haven't seen her much in person over the past year because it is so painful for her to walk across a room. Three days ago she sent me a simple email...have time for coffee? I was excited to make plans with her but also weary as each time I've tried to make plans with her over the past year she has canceled or forgotten. I don't fault her as I know she has her reasons, but I've missed seeing her and sharing our lives with each other. Well today came and she didn't cancel and for an hour and a half we shared our lives and caught up a bit more than our short emails we exchange. And our time was blessed! You see even though we haven't been able to sit down and talk in person for a long time at least not more than 10 minutes when I stop over to her office for a quick hello, she knows my heart...so much so that when she listened to Selah's new CD and heard Audrey's song she cried for me and prayed that God would carry me and knew that I needed to listen to that song....so she tried to figure out a way to get the song to me at the right time...She was going to email Chad to buy it for me and give it to me...then she decided to get it for me and invite me to coffee even though just getting out of the car and walking to the coffee table caused her pain she wanted me to hear it and then when she opened her bag to give it to me she got choked up because she had forgotten the cd at home and so badly wanted me to hear the song.... And you know what the sweet thing is...I follow Angie's blog and know exactly what song it is because I listened to it on her website and cried my eyes out. I'm thankful to have a friend who can share her life with me, the good and the bad, and pray for me even when I don't ask. Today I was blessed by her heart and thankful to sit and let the tears pour as I got real with a very dear friend and it was ok. I cried with her as she shared the pain she is going through in her life and after we were done sharing we talked about God's hand in our lives and both agree that while we didn't choose these chapters we are going to let Him lead us through them. I sit here now with the tears pouring down my face because honestly for the past few weeks i've just been in go mode and the feelings turned off....I've been going and going and honestly doing good but not letting myself think too far past that to the loss I still feel deep in my heart. I'm so thankful that God knew we needed each other and without me even knowing it we both had a chance to share and be comforted by one another. She has lost dear friendships through her suffering and can totally relate to some of things I feel/say and it was refreshing to say them and not second guess what I was saying. I have more to share....our trip to Chicago, to Galena, and Noah's first day at school, but am going to stop here for now and the words aren't coming.

Blessed

2009-08-23T20:49:00.001-07:00

I've wanted to jump on so many times during the last week and post but it's been so busy!! That being said I have a few minutes right now...because I found my second wind at 10:49 and thought I would say hi. :)

First off...thank you so much for your prayers about my new job! God has truly blessed me with this opportunity and every day I'm at my new job He continues to affirm this is where He wants me. I've enjoyed getting to know the ladies I work with as well as coworkers in different depts that I work with on a daily basis. I found out on Friday that I get to fly on our corporate jet in October to go visit one of our DCs for the day. I'm so exited!!

Aside from work, I've had a wonderful weekend with the family. We went to a state park on Sat and enjoyed our time as a family. I brought a good book, a WW cookbook, my favorite sweatshirt blanket and relaxed!!! It was really windy but the boys had a blast playing in the sand and ran off a lot of energy. Today was priceless!! We went to church this morning, dropped the boys off at my mom's for some Grandma time and Chad and I had lunch together and ran a few errands. We came home and I took a nap while he mowed the lawn then I went and picked the boys up from my moms. Noah helped me wash the explorer and he and I spent a couple of hours just chatting while I vaccummed, and cleaned the explorer from top to bottom! Chad then helped me replant some of Mason's plants we were given at his funeral. Chad was so sweet to replant them by our deck a few months ago but I'm afraid they are going to die when the frost comes, so we replanted them in pots today. Now I just need to find some plant stands... I made some delicious smoothies for Chad and I for dinner and then enjoyed a glass of wine on the deck after it got dark. The boys came out to sit with me and we had a wonderful time chatting and looking at the stars. Today has been one of those days where the little things have meant so much and truly touched my heart.

This week is going to be busy but fun!!! I work in Chicago tomorrow and Tuesday, at home part of Wednesday and then Chad and I are off to Chicago to meet up with my best friend Carm, her husband Sean, and their two kids A and C. They are moving to Europe and have a 37 hour layover in Chicago!! We are so excited to be able to spend the time with them and have a couple of fun things planned. I will so miss having my best friend state side. We've been blessed to have been able to see each other 4 times this year and it will be hard being apart for so long, but I'm so thankful for skype! Then on Sat. Chad and I are going to Galena and meeting up with his best friend and wife for the weekend and enjoy their company. So it should be a lot of fun. The boys are going to stay with one of my dear friends from work over the weekend and I know they will have a blast with her and her husband!! Well I have a few more things I'm hoping to get done before I crash! I hope everyone has a great Monday.

Your Hand Uphold Me..

2009-08-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

What a day...a really good day. I know my posts lately seem to be starting with that and honestly 6 months ago I didn't think I would ever be able to say that again. Truly, I was in so much pain, consuming raw pain, shock, numb, terrified, and often times felt so alone. Losing Mason has been the most painful experience of my life and at the time I didn't ever think I would be able to laugh, or enjoy a day again. I know that sounds dramatic but at the time everything was so hard and getting past the hard days seemed like it would never come. My dear friends...God met me in the hospital, help my hand and has upheld me since that moment that changed my life forever. There are still so many hard days...i'm not going to lie...not a day goes by that I don't think of him and things that were easy before are now a little harder. One of those tings isgoing to church. The first two months after he died I would cry every service I went too...the tears pouring down my face. And then I stopped going every Sunday because I started having panic attacks as we would leave the house and drive towards the interstate. I've gone a handful of times that past few months but have missed my church family, and missed being fed by our Pastor's sermons. Today I went and took the boys, Chad had to work, so the boys and I left and off we went. They were so excited to go! It was on our drive in that I felt so convicted and know how important it is for the boys to be fed weekly as well. I dropped them off at their classes and headed to service and God met me and held my hand. I stood with my arms open and worshipped and it felt so good!!! There were so many songs that spoke to me and below are a few verses in particular that I wrote down so I wouldn't forget them:

His grace runs after me
I give it all to you
At the cross I bow my knee
You are my desire
Your Glory fills the highest place
Your hand upholds me
God is big enough to handle all of our doubts

I have had so many doubts.....so many doubts through this whole experience but now I have hope, peace, and His hand upholding me. It's not easy and I'm not even going to pretend to have all of the answers, but I can tell you this....I am only where I am at today because of HIM! It is because of Him that I can smile again, play with my kids, love my husband, and so much more. Because friends I could not do it...nope not at all. If it was up to me I would still be where I was six months ago...in pain...deep pain..numb...and hopeless. I am not capable of giving myself the peace that I feel, I'm not able to mend my heart, and if it was up to me I probaly wouldn't have been back at church today. But He is soverign and big enough for all of my doubts...big enough for everything I've experienced and He still loves me the same. Not only does he love me He has helped me get to a place that I never thought I'd be. I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a bad day, panic attack, angry day, and more, but when I do He will continue to be there to hold my hand and walk me through each moment. I pray that whatever circumstance you may be in that you will reach out and hold onto His hand....and let Him walk you through.

On a quick side note...I tried a new recipe tonight that I got from my Taste of Home Magazine..."Mexican Lasagna..and it's amazing!! I'll post the recipe soon. I even took a few pics to share. It's my new fav recipe. Have a blessed evening!

The Weekend is here!

2009-08-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

Good morning!!! I'm so happy the weekend is finally here. It has been one long week but God has helped me get through it and yesterday was fantastic!!! Unfortunately they are having technical difficulties getting my laptop configured...i'm the first one within our organization to accept a position at headquarters but will be remaining an employee at our location in WI until Jan because of legal technicalitites. So I was without a computer yesterday but between one of their IT managers and one of mine I think they figured out a plan:) I love my new office and my coworkers seem really nice. They are all women on my team and that makes me a little nervous because I'm used to working with a lot of men and a handful of women. There are hundreds of men that work at our office but our immediate team is 7 females...that could get interesting, but I will stay positive and hope for the best:) My manager is awesome and I'm really looking forward to working for her. The drive home was rough and I was really afraid I was going to fall asleep while driving, being up at 2am finally caught up with me. I made it home safely though and took a three hour nap. Then I couldn't go to sleep so was up until one cleaning and going through work emails from home. We don't have a whole lot planned this weekend which is great! I'm taking our dog, Ms. Zoe to the groomers in an hour to get a much needed hair cut and her nails clipped. While she is getting beautified I am planning on stopping at my favorite photo place and getting prints of a lot of pictures from my digital camera. So that's me in a nutshell this morning. The laundry is already running and I'm planning on making some banana bread and hoping for sun and some point this weekend so I can work on my new garden project.

Well I had posted a question post a few days ago and did get a few good ones from Erika and thought I would share the answers~!

1. What is your favorite dinner recipe?

A- Right now it is Spagetti Pizza Bake. It's a WW recipe that I love and it tastes amazing!

2 spray(s) olive oil cooking spray
12 oz uncooked whole-wheat pasta, spaghetti
2 large egg white(s)
1 large egg(s)
2/3 cup(s) fat-free skim milk
3/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp table salt
1 1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 cup(s) basil, fresh, chopped (plus extra leaves for garnish)
9 oz shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese, divided
32 oz bottled spaghetti sauce
2 oz pepperoni, finely julienned (about 1/2 cup)

Instructions
Preheat oven to 400ºF. Coat a 9- X 13-inch glass baking dish with cooking spray; set aside.

Break spaghetti into 2-inch pieces and cook, al dente, according to directions; drain and cool.

Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat egg whites and egg until frothy. Stir in milk, garlic powder, salt, oregano, basil and 1/3 of mozzarella; add cooked spaghetti and stir until thoroughly combined. Spread spaghetti mixture evenly in bottom of baking dish. Bake for 15 minutes; remove from oven. Reduce oven temperature to 350ºF.

Spread spaghetti sauce over pasta; sprinkle with remaining cheese. Scatter pepperoni evenly over cheese layer. Return to oven and bake until heated through and cheese is bubbly, about 30 minutes. Let stand for 5 minutes, garnish with basil and then cut into 10 servings. Yields 1 slice per serving.

It's amazing and healthy!!! Let me know if you try it, what you think.

2. What is my favorite wine?

A. I have soo many but right now my favorite is from a winery in WI called, Black Meade and it is a Blueberry wine. It's extremly smooth and amazing!

3. How did your hubby propose?

A. I love this story although some of you might find it cheesy, it's so special to me. Chad got my sister Ashley to help with this and did it in a way that I wouldn't even have suspected it. We went to Applebeese for lunch one afternoon and my sister worked at this Applebees at the time and we always requested her to be our server. This was like any other time (or so I thought)...Chad ordered a combo meal, where you get the meal, and a dessert which I thought was a little weird because he never does but he said we could share and I love getting their deserts. We ate our meal and Chad put his order in for desert. I ran to the bathroom, came back, and Ashley set Chad's desert in front of me. I wasn't paying attention to it and reminded her it was Chad's. It was then that I looked down...and in whipped icing were the words "Will you Marry ME" around the plate? I was in shocked and think I even screamed...I look up at Chad and he has the ring out and reaches across the table to ask me if I will marry him. He was so nervous he forgot to get down on one knee, but at that point I didn't even care. I thought it was so special that he had included my sister in something so exciting and did it in a way that I would never suspect. I of course said yes:) I couldn't stop looking at my hand the rest of the day and probaly looked narcistic walking around town beaming.

Well I'm off to get ready for the day. I hope everyone has a blessed day and enjoy the little things today...it's those things that really make a day special!

Excited and Can't Sleep!

2009-08-07T00:47:00.000-07:00

Good morning! :) It's 2:47 am and I can't sleep. Today is my first day at my new job at our corporate headquarters and I'm so excited I'm wide awake. I know I will pay for it later, but that's ok. I can't begin to tell you how excited I was to have yesterday over with. This week has proven to be extremely stressful trying to transition everything to the four people who are absorbing my old job. I'm a perfectionist if the truth be known and I wanted to pass everything off in a certain way and honestly at the end of the day I think it all went pretty well. Praise the Lord!!! So today I'm up early, hoping to catch at least another hour of sleep, before I start getting ready for work and join the world of commuters:) Everyone keeps asking me if I'm looking forward to the 80 minute drive, but at this point it doesn't bother me, because I feel so strongly that this is where God wants me right now. I truly believe in my heart that He has opened all of these doors for us and I know He will work everything out the way it is supposed to be. Chad's on call early this morning and then took the rest of the day off to hang out with the boys at home which will be great for them!!!

Well if you think about it please pray for me today that my first day will go well and I won't hit to much construction on the way into the Chicago. Can't wait to update you on my first day:)

Exhausted

2009-08-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

This week has been exhausting both emotionally and mentally. It's my last week in my current job and I've been bombarded with requests before I transition to my new job on Friday. I know I put alot of the pressure on myself, but there just hasn't been enough hours in the day and I'm so tired by the time I get home that I just don't want to sit back down at the computer and work. I'm hoping to get at least a couple of hours in after the boys go to bed, but we'll see. On a positive note, i'm really excited about Friday and starting my new job!!! God has truly blessed me with this opportunity and I can't wait to see what doors continue to open. Tomorrow my girlfriend is supposed to come over and share a bottle of wine with me on our deck which should be relaxing! I haven't cooked in over a week and I know I need to get it in gear, but again lacking energy. Luckily Chad is amazing and hasn't complained! I've made a mental note to make my famous brownies this weekend as a thank you to him for all of his support! I've been a bear to live with this week. :)

I'm been trying to think of ways to become more engaged with my readers and thought I would open comments from now until Friday night for any questions you might have for me. I'm a pretty open book and would love to answer any questions you might have. So please leave any questions you have and I will answer them on Saturday.

We have NO plans this weekend and for that I'm truly thankful! I'm thinking of making it a pajama weekend!!! We haven't had one in a very long time and I think now might be a great opportunity for one.

If there is anything I can pray about for you specifically please fell free to email me or leave a comment. I would be honored to pray for you.

Wine tour weekend and more

2009-08-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend was amazing and bittersweet. First of all it was the first weekend in a long time that I didn't work AT ALL and it was fantastic!!!! I think I forgot what a weekend was really supposed to be like and this past one truly blessed me. My girlfriend, Jill, from work and I have been planning on a Wine Tour 2009 and this weekend was the start of it. There are currently 35 wineries registered in the state of Wisconsin and we have made it our goal to visit each of them within the next year. Saturday was our first day and boy was it an adventure! We started at Mocha Moments my favorite coffee shop and enjoyed an amazing cup of coffee and the best sugar free blueberry muffins ever!!! We then went to five wineries; AppleBarn, Slatter Winery, Appeltreow, Mason Creek Winery, and Northleaf Winery. Each winery had wonderful wine and the people who owned them had a lot of neat information to share. Northleaf is my favorite and I frequent there often, so much so that when we stopped in the owner told me that they were out of my favorite wine. :) I had never been to the other wineries and was excited to learn about each of them. I fell in love with many of the wines at the first winery and Jill helped me remain practical and told me she was going to buy one bottle per winery, Chad was so excited when I got home and told him I had only purchased 4 bottles. :) The girl at Apple Barn told us about Slatter Winery which wasn't on our map and I'm so glad she did. The couple who own it started it as a hobby and because it was an expensive hobby they decided to open their own winery and grow their grapes here in Wisconsin. In my opinion they had the most variety and I could have easily bought almost every wine, luckily they aren't too far away and I'll be sure to visit them again. Now let me tell you about Appeltreow and Charles!! Appeltreow carries wine that is made from apples and pears and the owner Charles was so knowledgable but also corky. He reminded me of the guy from Honey I shrunk the kids and was so hilarious! When we got on the subject of apples and I was trying to tell him my favorite apple and couldn't spit it out he says, "you like Honey Crisp apples don't you" which are my favorite and then he proceeds to tell me that "I loathe Honey Crisp"...it was right then and there that I almost toppled over laughing. He gave Jill and I a very informative lesson on apples and the many different kinds of apples. Alas we were sad to go but enjoyed the amazing cheeses and wines he had to share. We then drove to Mason Creek Winery and as we started sampling the wine the hostess asked if one of our names was Mimi...and I was stunned and said yes that's me. Sure enough Charles had called ahead and let her know that he forgot to give my my check card back. Yep I almost stopped breathing!!! Luckily we were only 40 minutes away. So we stayed at Mason Creek no more than ten minutes tried all of the wine, purchased our bottle and back to Appeltreow we headed. I forgot to share our lunch story with you....so we were starving after Appeltreow and I used my GPS to find out what restaurants were near by and we decided to go to a place called Rock and Robin Bar and Grill. We pulled up and the name had been changed to "It's All About Us"...so we went in had a seat and ordered out food. The best part was that on one of the walls was a picture of two ladies, one with blonde hair, one with brown and they were toasting a glass of wine!!! What a perfect place to have lunch. We of course had to ask for a picture and made a spectal of ourselves but it was well worth it.
All in All Jill and I had a blast and couldn't stop laughing on many occasions. My GPS, Victoria, got us a little lost in the town of Burlington and we were cracking up as we were trying to find our way back to society...note to self never get lost in Burlington! We made it home by 5:00 with smiles on our faces and a bag full of snacks that I had packed/overpacked. Yes, I'm a mom and packed like we were going away for a weekend.

Sunday I got up early because Noah decided to call 911 and give me the phone after he was done talking to MS Trisha...yep that's right. It was 7:12 am and I hung up the phone because I'm so not coherent when awoken out of a dead sleep, only to have the number call me back and tell me they were the 911 dispatcher and wanted to make sure everything was ok. No sooner did I hang up the phone then my doorbell rang and there was an officer there making sure we were alright. I was so embarrassed and realize Noah didn't realize what pressing the star button on my phone would do, but he now knows not to call the police anymore. I decided to go for a run and it was great! Chad and I had a date lunch and then headed over to Home Depot to look around and talk about my ideas for the "Boys' Garden" and other corner in our back yard that I am going to redo. Did I mention I don't have a green thumb and have never had any interest in doing any type of landscaping until recently? Well now i'm interested and can't get the ideas out of my head. Chad is being great and pacifying me by listening and looking at ideas with me. Lucky for him most of the planting in the back won't take place until next spring but I still have a lot of clean up to do to prepare. Sunday afternoon we went up north to see baby Connor. My girlfriend Michelle and Craig had baby Connor on Friday. She is my dear friend who shared her pregnancy with me right after I found out I was pregnant with Mason and right away we made so many plans for our maternity leave together. Their son is beautiful and I enjoyed spending a couple of hours at the hospital with them and holding him. He's absolutely precious and adorable! I can't wait to love on him as they have loved on our children all these years. They are Noah's godparents but love Kylan just the same. Kylan has a special bond with "Uncle Craig" and it is so special to watch. I enjoyed talking with Michelle and listening to how she was doing. We came home, put the boys to bed and watched the new Fast and the Furious movie, which I loved!!! It wasn't until we headed to bed that the tears came...and didn't stop. It was then that I finally let it out. How I miss Mason so much....so much and long for nothing more than to just hold him if even for one more second. Words can't describe the ache that never goes away and the heaviness my arms often feel. I so wish I had him here now to hold, to love, to take care of. These past weeks have been great and God is truly keeping His Healing hand on me, but my dear friends the ache is still there, the mom in me still and will always miss my son. This weekend just reminded me how much. I'm so thankful for Connor and glad that Michelle and Craig have been blessed with a beautiful baby boy. I'm so excited for them and the new journey of parenthood that they are now experiencing, as they will be great parents!!! I want to support them and love them as they have loved us through our journey as parents, but I also grieve for the months I won't have with my baby, home with Michelle, hanging out and making special memories. I ache for the moments I will never have. I ache to hear my baby's cry. The tears stream down my face as I think of him and how precious he is to me. I remember holding his tiny frail body and wishing I could breathe life back into him. I can't and honestly it sucks...it really sucks. Michelle and I have had some wonderful conversations and she asked if I still struggle with Why and honestly there are days when I do...days when I ask Why...Why me, Why him, Why now? I don't believe I will ever know those answers this side of eternity and I try so hard to Rest in Him and friends I tell you that it is only by His Grace that I do have peace and have been able to breathe, laugh, and enjoy life again, but that doesn't mean there aren't hard days. IT's just that now the hard days don't consume me the way they did before.

I pray you have a blessed week. My below post for McLinky shares one of my favorite Bible Verses. It has brought me much comfort and peace and is where I choose to rest my life and the lives of my family. He knows the plans HE has for us and I choose to give him my life and let Him mold it into something beautiful. IF I were to try I would end up with a broken pot, but know He can makes something beautiful out of my brokeness.

2009-08-03T18:29:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

It's Official

2009-07-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well this weekend was awesome!!! Yes awesome! It was extremely productive with work, a lot of weed pulling...(Did I mention I normally don't do yard work at all...) and amazing time with the boys. I had so much fun with noah and ky..we played on the trampoline..hung out on the deck and chatted and just over all had a wonderful weekend! I couldn't sleep Saturday so I got up at 3:30 am and worked on some paperwork for a bit and then headed over to Walmart at 4:15 to pick up a pair of gardening gloves and then to my grocery store that I love, because it is open 24 hours a day and bought leaf bags and lawn bags...and then spent from 5am-8am pulling weeds and putting Chad's grass clipping mound into 10 leaf bags. Yep..I was anxiously waiting for my offer on Monday and needed to stay busy. So in the mean time I worked hard on our backyard and was done by 8:00 Sunday morning. Chad was a little (alot) concerned because I have NEVER touched anything having to do with our yard...I kill all plants. Monday morning came and I had a conference call with the manager I interviewed with and other individuals from corporate regarding the integration I'm working on and then three hours later....I received the call i've been waiting for and was officially offered the position at our headquarters!!!! God is so good. I'm humbled beyond words at the opportunity he has put in my path and can't tell you how evident His hand has been in this whole process!!!!! Not to sound cliche but it has been a complete "God Thing" from start to finish and i'm so excited to see what he has in store for us next. I have a two week transition period and will be going down there on Thursday for training and to pick up my very own laptop...yeah! And then starting the 10th will work 2 days a week here and commute the other 3. I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly blessed I feel and how excited I am for this opportunity. I give all the glory to God and know it is because of Him that this opportunity presented itself. I asked for His blessings and He has BLESSED us!!! I'm in awe of all He is continuing to teach me, but friends I can tell you this, that even at my lows when I question Him...he turns around and answers my prayers and remains to be Constant...even when I wander He is the same, today, and tomorrow!!! I will still struggle, but also grow and it is my prayer that I will continue to TRUST Him and let my story be used for His Glory!! So I thank you for all of your prayers and can't wait to fill you in on this exciting journey. Know that I am praying for all of you even if I don't know each of your names. I feel blessed to have "stumbled" across blogspot almost a year ago, created my blog, and have been blessed by so many of you whose blogs I read and whose stories have touched my life.

A Rainy Friday

2009-07-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

This week has flown by!!! I'm thankful it is Friday and am looking forward to seeing my sister tonight! She's been gone for a week out east to meet her boyfriend's family and I'm picking them up at the airport tonight. We usually talk at least once a day even if it is for a couple of minutes and it's been weird not being able to this last week. Work has been rough only because I have so many projects to get completed and Monday should be the day I receive the "official" offer for my new job. As I said before I know God has a plan and I do have a peace about this new step but I'm also nervous about the decisions that will need to be made after everything is finalized...do we move...how far away...get a new car for me (Chad and I drive together to work)..childcare depending on how far we move, selling our home (which I love). So many decisions but I know it will all work out. The planner in me wants to have it all laid out in a neat timeline but I know we just need to take one thing at a time. Chad still works for our company in town so we don't want to move to far away because that would defeat the purpose but even if we could move 30 minutes south that would be great for my commute!! So if you could continue to pray for us as week seek God's direction I would greatly appreciate it.

It's great to be home tonight! I've been working late the past two nights and decided to work from home tonight so that I can spend some time with the boys before logging back in and going to the airport. They made me this beautiful stepping stone for Mother's Day and gave it to me today..I'll have to take a picture and post...it's so adorable! So a couple of weeks ago I started Thankful Thursday and then totally forgot about it...lol.. But here are a few things I'm thankful for this week:

* My best friend Carmen
* Clean water
* Baked Lays
* Music
* My boys' laughter

I hope everyone has a great weekend!! Please email or message me with any prayer requests. Prayer is so powerful and it is truly something I feel called to do for others. God BlesS!!

Trusting Him

2009-07-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since I've posted and as always I have so much to share/talk about. I'm not even sure where to begin... Friday (july 17th) was my due date and for the past few months I have been looking to that day with much anticipation...it's another date that has alot of meaning and emotion attached to it. I decided to take the day off and the following Monday as well. My best friend Carmen and her two kids flew up from San Antonio to be with me and we had a wonderful time with all of our kids and each other. Carm has been my best friend since we were 15 and has been there for me through everything. She flew up right after I had Mason and has been there for the many phone calls and tears along the way. Having her here this weekend was a blessing. She flew in Thurs evening and we got the kids all settled in. Friday morning I woke up and took Chad to work and then headed over to visit Mason. I miss him so much and my time at his gravesite was bittersweet. Carm and I spent the next few days playing with our children who got along great! We went to the zoo, a park, and for the most part just played outside at our home and spent every evening on the deck talking over a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed. She and the kids flew back to TX last night. Her husband is currently overseas and they are getting ready to move to Europe for three years next month. Luckily they have a long layover in Chicago so I will get to see her and the fam one last time before they make their big move.

Tonight I'm wide awake and can't sleep..should be and wish I could but can't. You see my company has been working with our parent company for the past 6 months on integrating under one umbrella and I was approached a couple of weeks ago about a job at our corporate headquarters in Chicago. I've gone through three interviews and they
all went very well. My to be manager is in Ireland this week but I'm supposed to hear back from her this coming Monday. I'm patiently waiting but am struggling on waiting! Patience has never been my strong point but I know God is teaching me to trust and wait on Him and this is the perfect example/opportunity to do just that. I keep hearing the song in my head..."While I'm waiting I will serve you..." I know He has an amazing plan for our family and I'm excited to see it revealed but am also a little nervous at all of the change this opportunity will bring to our family. So please be praying for us as we wait to see what God has in store. I truly feel after much prayer that this is where he wants me right now and am trusting that the details will all fall into place.

Lastly I watched the movie Fireproof with Carm while she was here and Wow!! It was really amazing...had so many good points and truly humbled me. I'm so excited to watch it with Chad as I think any marriage can gain wisdom from watching it. We are blessed to have a wonderful marriage and I'm so thankful to have a husband who is so supportive. I recommend this movie to everyone and can't wait to watch it again.

Well I'm finally starting to get tired but wanted to write a bit and let my thoughts out. I can't believe tomorrow is Thursday...today was my Monday so I'm all mixed up.

Blog Hop

2009-07-14T04:49:00.000-07:00

***Three things you don't know about me are : I'm a military brat, the oldest of 6 kids, and I lived in Alaska for several years and loved it!!!!***p>

I'll Stand With my Arms Wide Open

2009-07-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an amazing day! So much so that I'm wide awake at 2:30 in the morning and felt lead to write it all down so I don't forget. It was a typical morning. I was up early, did a few loads of laundry and started to get the boys ready for church. We left earlier than we normally do and actually made it to church with extra time to spare. (that usually never happens..:). The worship was truly amazing and while I usually like every song we sing there was this verse in a song that God used to speak to me. "I'll stand with my arms wide open, All I have is yours" How precious that sentence has become to me within the last 24 hours. As I sang and lifted my hands I thought about all that sentence really meant. As I've shared in earlier posts prior to having Mason I did my best to control everything. I wanted to make sure my life was in "as much" order as possible and boy did I work hard to make sure I was doing a good job at it. I was so wrong and honestly quite exhausted taking on that task. God has taught me to let go and LET HIM. I'm not perfect and there are many days when it would be so easy to jump in and try and take back that false sense of control to make myself feel better, but as the verse stated this morning I choose to stand with my arms open and let all I have be His; my marriage, my life, my childrens' lives, my job, my finances, my words, and everything in between. While I was standing there singing out to him the tears were starting to come to the surface when I thought about giving Him my children's lives...all of them, Noah, Ky, and our precious Mason. Their lives aren't something I'm given to control, they are His and while I am put on this earth to parent them to the best of my ability and oh how I pray that will grow up to be Godly men I also know that He is watching over them and has an amazing plan for each of them. Mason's plan was much different that what "I planned"...I planned to have him and enjoy all of my days on this earth as his mom and while I will still celebrate being his mom, I don't have him here to watch grow like I do my other two boys. God had a different plan. I believe with all of my heart that God didn't plan for Mason to die and He has cried with me since day one, but God has embraced Mason into his dwelling place and my little man is experiencing life in a whole new way. He will have so much to teach me when I get to heaven and I while I selfishly pray that nothing happens to Noah or Ky I relinquish my false sense of control and Let God watch over them in a way I can't. I don't know if any of this makes sense on paper but my heart feels a peace it hasn't in a very long time and i'm so relieved to learn to let go of "something" that I never really had control of to begin with. I've learned today just how exhausting that task was and their has been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. All day and even this morning I keep singing "All I have is yours". And I have a huge smile on my face while doing so and that my friends feels so good!

Thankful Thursday

2009-07-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of time to reflect the last few months since Mason went home to be with Jesus. There have been many moments where I cry out because I just want to hold him for one more moment, I weep every time I go to visit him at the cemetary, and I now amd more thankful for the simple things that I used to take for granted. I also appreciate the things I've always been thankful for even more. That being said I came up with the idea of Thankful Thursday. I think it is so easy to get caught up in what we don't have or what makes us upset, and I'm not exempt from these feelings. I'd like to use Thankful Thursday as a way to express what I'm thankful for every week. I'm going to start listing 5 things that I'm thankful for and would love to hear from you what you are thankful for. It could be anything, but hope in doing this fun exercise it will remind us of just how blessed we are. So here's to Thankful Thursday and below is what I'm thankful for this week:

1. Being able to carry Mason for 5 months
2. Coffee
3. The ability to run and let my emotions out.
4. Talking to God whenever I want to.
5. My childrens' smiles

Almost!...

2009-07-08T04:51:00.001-07:00

Well I think I almost figured out McKlinky...lol... I'm off to work but am looking forward to hopping around tonight. I've also come up with the idea of Thankful Thursday and will be posting about that later.

Thanks!

2009-07-08T04:50:00.000-07:00

***Replace this line with your content. This week, on TUESDAY, 7/7/09, the theme is A FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH. Post up one of your favorite photographs and a caption that tells the audience about it. Here is a sample: http://mcklinky.blogspot.com/2009/07/mcklinky-photo-blog-on-tuesday-sample.html Do not change any part of this snippet of code except for this paragraph only.... replace the text that falls between (and includes) the opening and closing asterisks. Be sure to enter your own link to your own blog hop post as soon as the blog hop starts!***

Trying Mclinky again..lol

2009-07-08T04:49:00.001-07:00

Monday came to quickly!

2009-07-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

Chad and I both woke up this morning wondering why we didn't take the day off...?!!! We had a wonderful long weekend, but it was so full of fun times we didn't do a lot of relaxing..:) Yesterday we went to my mom's for a 4th of July party with my siblings. It was so much fun! MY sisters' roomates from college were in town and came with her and we had some great laughs! I had a long day at work, after being out with the flu last week, but I'm so thankful for my job so I can't complain. I came home to a clean house. My husband blesses me each day with all that he does for our family!! Here are a few pictures from our wonderful week. Enjoy!

Happy 4th!

2009-07-05T06:08:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a great 4th! Our was alot of fun. We have been looking at patio furniture for two years and I finally found the set I liked so we picked it up yesterday morning at 7:45...yes Home Depot is open at 6am! I love it:) My husband didn't but it was like Christmas and I was so excited I couldn't wait. We were supposed to take the boys boating with Noah's godparents but the forecast said it was going to rain all day so we ended up going to their place for lunch and hang out which was very relaxing! We made it home just in time for naps and then went over to my mom's to help her put up shelves and pictures in her new place. She's have a party at her place today to celebrate the 4th since all of my sisters were able to get today off and it should be a lot of fun!!! I'll make sure to post new pics afterwards.

2009-07-05T06:02:00.001-07:00

Try try again.. :)

2009-07-04T20:06:00.001-07:00

Powered by MckLinky

Click here to enter your link and view the entire list of entered links...

Mclinky...

2009-07-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

Mclinky...

2009-07-04T19:45:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to figure out to link to Mclinky...here goes my second try at it..:)

***Replace this line with your content. This week, 7/7/09, the theme is A FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH. Post up one of your favorite photographs and a caption that tells the audience about it. Do not change any part of this snippet of code except for this paragraph only.... replace the text that falls between (and includes) the opening and closing asterisks. Be sure to enter your own link to your own blog hop post as soon as the blog hop starts!***

Click here to enter your link in the blog hop and view the entire list of entered links...

2009-07-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

My son Kylan...

*** ***

Bittersweet

2009-06-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

I had been anticipating this past weekend with alot of anxiety. Our dear friends Michelle and Craig had their couples baby shower on Sat. We are so excited for them as they are expecting their first baby boy in Aug. Michelle and I shared with each that we were expecting before we told our families. (Our husband knew of course)... We met for coffee and she told me she was expecting...Chad and I knew we were expecting but were waiting for Christmas to tell anyone...well I then ordered decaf coffee which let it slip out of the bag to Mich. We had a wonderful coffee date and were so excited to be expecting at the same time and be on maternity leave together!!! The planning began, and we really enjoyed several months of comparing cravings, going to movies, and making plans for the summer. Well that all changed when Mason died and I've had a hard time being around her. I'm so excited for them...I really am, but every time I see her I think of Mason...I think I where I should be at in my pregnancy and how close I should be to holding a healthy Mason in my arms. So that all being said I was very anxious for her shower but it was so important for us to go and support her. Well to top things off I had made an appt for Chad and I to go to the cemetary and look at designs for Mason's headstone...the morning of Michelle's shower. I didn't realize I had booked this until I flipped my calendar over last monday... Ugh. But I didn't want to cancel because I've so desperately wanted to pick out a stone for Mason so that it will be there and his plot won't be empty any longer. I've just had such a hard time deciding and thought if Chad and I went together to see more options it would make the decision process easier. Well we went and I left more frustrated then I was before. I had copies made of the choices I liked but still couldn't make a decision. We went and visited Mason and then my mom was wonderful and kept the boys for a couple of hours longer so Chad and I could have some breathing time before we had to get ready for the shower.

The shower was beautiful! God truly gave me a peace and helped me keep it together. We saw a lot of good friends and enjoyed watching Michelle and Craig open their gifts and talk about Conner's arrival.

Sunday I took the boys and we went home (to chicago) to my aunt and uncle's for the day. I spent almost every weekend there when I first moved to Wisconsin and consider their home my home. My cousin graduated from high school and they had his grad party. It was so wonderful! We went early and the boys and I played in their pool. My aunt rented a bouncy house for the kids and they loved it!!! It had been too long since I've been home and I really enjoyed catching up with everyone. My aunt was so sweet and had a bag to send home with me, which had my favorite gourmet coffee, Harry and David Jam, Pasta, and a few boxes of different mixes that look so yummy. I need to go back soon and spend more time with them.

Then yesterday came and I got the flu...not fun at all!! My mom and sis had it for over a week and i'm pretty sure I got it from my sis on Sun. I was hoping it was just a 24 hour bug and would go away quickly but I woke up today feeling even worse then I did yesterday. Work is so busy right now and I'm hating not being there because there is so much going on for me to be out a couple of days.... I know I need to let myself get better but I don't like being sick, or stuck at home without energy to do anything. To me it's just a waste of a day. If I am going to be home I'd much rather be working on cleaning projects or something productive instead of just being in bed. Oh well.

I'm hoping to feel better quickly because I was looking forward to having a three day weekend this weekend for the 4th!!! I'm planning on making a Trader Joe's run to pick up a few things on Friday and then enjoy the weekend with the fam. Sun we are going to my mom's for a cookout which will be a blast. I'm hoping to do something fun with the boys but don't know what yet and it all depends on how i'm feeling. I hope the boys don't get this. Poor Chad slept on the couch last night and was so sweet about making sure I'm staying hydrated...food doesn't even sound appealing right now... Well I don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer but that's what's going on in my neck of the woods. I will leave you some pics of the boys... they are getting so big!!

Great Day

2009-06-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day! Nothing amazing happened...I got up early went in to work for a couple of hours, went back home to pick up the boys and Chad and drop the boys of at my in laws, ran back to the office, then headed to our corporate office in Chicago for meetings. I drove for four hours total today but really enjoyed the quiet time. I had to work until 6:00 which was pretty early for the new "norm" around here but headed home and made some fantastic turkey wraps. The boys played in their pool, Chad mowed the lawn, and then the boys had a blast in the tub while I was switching loads of laundry. I just felt myself smiling a lot today....and it felt really good. I enjoyed listening to the boys laugh, giving my hubby a glass of lemonade after he mowed the lawn and just being home. It was a great day!!! Tomorrow I get my hair cut and am so excited about that. I have a lot to share about Father's day but will save that for when I have more energy as i'm pretty tired right now.

One step forward two steps back

2009-06-20T05:17:00.000-07:00

This week has been a hard week...it really has. As I mentioned in a past post one of my friends and I have drifted apart after Mason died and this week she contacted me and I had a very hard conversation with her. Ever since Mason died, every message, voicemail, text, and email, A has sent me has had some kind of comment stating, " I hope you are recovering quickly", I hope you get back to normal quickly, I hope things get normal again fast, I hope you are back to your old self soon. All of these comments have frustrated me and really upset me. In my opinion my life has forever changed and I will not be the same Mimi that I was before Mason died. When I tried to explain to her that my "normal" has changed her response was, " Well my mom's friend is proof that your life will get back to normal". It's almost like she has been arguing with me or pushing me to be the old me and hasn't listened when I've shared with her just how much those comments bother me. That being said I just stopped responding because even though her friendship has meant alot to me over the years, there is so much going on right now that I just don't have the energy to keep addressing it with her. Well....she didn't like the fact that I didn't respond to her last email which stated, " I have my own opinion on how one should handle things" and of course " I hope you are recovering and getting back to normal quickly so you can find joy in life again"..... So she called me and then sent me a text asking if I was going to ever answer her and why am I not talking to her. Ok let me just say that I do text my siblings and friends, but it's quick comments like have a good day or what time are you coming over. I'm not twelve and I don't believe in communicating via text when there is a problem or issue. I don't like confrontation any more than the next person but I am also a believer of talking to one another in love and trying to work through things and not just keep the big elephant in the room.
So....Monday afternoon I called her and just lost it. I asked her what she meant when she said she had her own opinion on how one should handle things, because if she was speaking to how I am handling the death of my son she has no place to speak nor does she understand what i'm going through and in my opinion has no basis for how she thinks one should handle that....and of course that is what she was talking about. She told me that one has to want to get better and it's a choice to do what you need to do to get back to normal again...And that is where I stopped her and lost it. I told her that I was sick of hearing her constantly push getting back to "normal" on me, I didn't just fall off a bike and am trying to get back up. My son died....he is gone... MY normal right now is aching to hold him for just one more day, my normal right now is looking at the calendar knowing my due date is right around the corner, my normal is grieving the plans I had for the summer that no longer exist, my normal is going over catalogs to pick out his gravestone. I am not saying that I haven't had good days, that I am not enjoying my life, that I am not finding joy in experiences, but what I'm saying is that the person I was before is no more. The death of my son has forever changed my life. While I am taking one day at a time and alot of time an hour at a time I know at some point I will be more comfortable with my "adjusted normal", but right now i'm still trying to figure out what that is. So that was my Monday and it wasn't good. I then came home and Chad and I had a long talk and he is struggling with where I am at. He is struggling in that it pains him to see me have a good day, then have a day where I'm bawling, or cranky, or angry, or a little bit of everything, and he doesn't know how to fix it. And that pains me but unfortunately I can't tell him just give me another month and I'll be good to go. That is hard for me because i've always been one to try and control my emotions and turn them on and off when it is "appropriate". Mason's death has taught me that I can be vulnerable for a long period of time and it's ok. So Tuesday I had an appointment with Wendy (my counselor) and it was a hard session but good. She affirmed how i'm feeling and said that while she completely understands what Chad is saying I would only hurt myself if I turned my emotions off right now and just stopped dealing with them and I agree. Chad has been so incredibly supportive....I just wish it wasn't so hard explaining how I feel....he listens but I know he doesn't understand becase his grieving process has been so different and I think it is for men. Well the week just went downhill from there and i'm exhausted emotionally and physically.

Luckily today is going to be a special day and i'm looking forward to it. My sister Ash, just graduated from college and part of her present is a morning at the spa. She's coming over at 9:00 and we are going to our favorite coffee shop for breakfast then heading to the spa for a massage followed by a pedicure. I'm looking forward to relaxing and having time with her. She is so special to me and i'm so blessed to have her as my sister. I'm so thankful for my large family. Ash and I have grown so close over the years and i'm really enjoying being great friends and not just sisters anymore..if that makes sense.

The rest of the day will be busy, cleaning, grocery shopping, and unfortunately back to work for a few hours. I'm traveling to Corporate on Monday and have a lot to do before I leave early Monday morning. We are going out of town tomorrow for Father's Day so I need to get everything done today.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and father's day! God Bless.

2009-06-20T05:14:00.000-07:00

Lazy Day

2009-06-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

One thing i've never been good at is resting...or being still. God is teaching me to enjoy doing both. Today I slept in until 8:00!! This is something I haven't done in years...and i'm not kidding. I might sleep in until 7:00 but normally i'm up no later than 5 and love being able to get a lot done before the kids wake up. I truly enjoy my morning time. Today I slept in and then got up to gorgeous weather again. The boys and I spent most of the day outside and it was wonderful! I did finish a small project I was working on in our room this morning but around 9:30 I headed outside to get some much needed sun and catch up on lots of reading material. The boys followed around 10:00 and we had a blast! They love their little pool and spent over an hour running around the backyard and jumping in it. Then we moved too searching for bugs (I should say they). The have a bug gun that sucks the bugs into a closed container with air holes and then they can see the bugs they catch...the love it and are sure to show me each and every bug they catch... I don't like bugs at all but try to act like I'm in awe of their catches. :) I thought it would be fun to have a picnic lunch in our backyard and that is what we did. I love our little conversations we have. Noah is trying really hard to say hi whole name. Both of our boys have two middle names so they are quite a mouth full and noah's middle names aren't the easiest for a little boy to say but he's trying so hard. We all took a nap and then headed back outside until dinner. Dinner was great courtesy of Papa Murphy's. :) I love their delite pizza and the boys inhale their cheesesticks. Right now the boys are drawing artwork in the tub and Chad is picking up a movie for us (Last Chance Harvey) and one for the boys. He went boating with friends of ours today which was great for him!!! I think he really needed some alone time. We are going to just chill after the boys go to bed and I will be enjoying a glass of Mountain Rose wine from Tennessee:) All in all this weekend has been refreshing and the relaxation much needed. I refrained from going in to work at all and am so glad I did.

Wonderful Day

2009-06-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today has been a wonderful day with the fam. This morning I got up early and started in on the never ending piles of laundry. I don't know where they come from. :) The boys got up early so we had fun talking over bowls of cereal and trying to figure out what fun we were going to have today. I met my friend Tracie for coffee at my favorite coffee shop and chatted with her for an hour. When I got back home the boys and Chad were all ready to go and our day began. We went to this really neat shop that has tons of flowers and a huge fish pond that the boys love looking at. Then we went to the pet store and looked at all of the fish, turtles, birds, etc. We always finish by picking out treats for our dog Zoe at the "buffet" treat station and then headed to the library. We signed the boys up for the summer reading program. Our library is amazing and the boys just love going to the children's library within it. It's huge and has a lot of things for them to play with. We then headed home for lunch and all took a much needed nap. Then they played outside with Chad while I continued cleaning and laundry. Chad made steaks on the grill for dinner which were so yummy! Afterwards I went for a bike ride and did a quick Target run. Unfortunately I'm having horrible back pain right now so I took three tylenol and have two ice packs stuck to my back praying it helps numb the pain. I get these "spasms" twice a year but when I get them it feels like someone is sticking a knife in my back...not fun. Overall today has been relaxing, and wonderful time spent with the fam. Tomorrow we have no plans either..PTL! So i'm hoping to lay out and just do a lot of nothing.

Excited for the weekend

2009-06-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm so looking forward to spending time relaxing most of the weekend! With my promotion have come alot of long hours but I know it's only short term until I get things organized. That being said i'm dragging a bit today and going to take a nap here shortly and then decide on what to do next. I really want to just hang out at home with the boys but part of me thinks that if I go into work tonight and get things done I won't have to work too long tomorrow and then can have most of the weekend with the fam. Right now the boys are looking for bugs with their buckets and shovels. They could look for them for hours and i'd rather not look in their buckets..lol. It's supposed to be beautiful here this weekend so we might take them to a green house tomorrow and look at flowers. It's a really neat green house with a water fall and all kinds of outdoor things. The boys love it! I have my running list of things to do but am trying to keep it minimal this weekend. Well not much else to report right now. I am hoping to get my pictures organized this weekend and possibly start a new albulm this weekend.

Grace

2009-06-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to begin...today started off early for me and I had some good quiet time on my way to the office this morning, but as soon as I got there I started to have a panic attack. Just typing today's date...made me want to cry. By 7:30 I wasn't sure if I would make it the whole day without losing it. All I kept thinking about was Mason, that night, giving birth to him, and all that happened afterwards. The shock aspect of everything has worn off I find myself going over all of the details in my head....and the if onlys come up. I know it's not fair to beat myself up....but if only it hadn't been so windy outside and cold the day we buried my sweet baby I could have stayed by his side just a little longer. If only I could have stayed in the hospital one more day with my baby and held him....if only. Now I just treasure the two days I had with him. I know he was already in heaven but just holding him was a gift...his little hands, feet, and the cap they had on his head, my precious baby. I miss him so much.....I am no longer pregnant but now have a flatter stomach and I've dropped several sizes so that when people see me now they would never know that 4 months ago I was pregnant. A stranger would look at me and not know...and that's ok but I know where I wish i was today and that is pregnant with Mason and getting ready to have him. I know I've said this numerous times....I'm truly at peace that he is with God in heaven and I wouldn't want to take him away from where he is, but the mom in me just wants another minute with her baby. The mom in me grieves for all of the dreams and plans I had for us and they will never happen this side of eternity.

And then I don't know if any of you have been following April Rose's mom's blog but my heart is sad. There has been a lot of questions to whether or not it was a scam or not, and i'm not going to speak to that, as I know God knows the truth and that's all that matters, but I was reminded today after reading many of the comments that were posted that we are all covered by the Grace of God and we all fall short. I think if it was a scam, it is horrible, and I don't even have the emotional capacity to put my arms around it other than to say that person would need our prayers more than anything, and if it's not a scam then my heart goes out to them for having to endure so much riducule. Regardless if it is true or not, I'm thankful for God's never ending grace...i'm thankful He died on the cross for me, my husband, my children, for all of us. I'm thankful that I can go to bed at night knowing that one day I will be reunited with my baby in heaven. I can't wait to see him face to face and to hear all that he has been up to praising Jesus. I'm thankful that I live my life with that hope, that joy, that I know the Truth, and am covered by the blood of the Lamb. I can't imagine going through my life without God as my foundation because as you have seen over these past months I've had to hold on to him with everything that I have to get through our loss. It has been traumatic but it would be horrific if I didn't know where my son is, or had Him to guide me. Even when I scream and bawl and yell, which happens often, He still loves me and in my silence I know He is near. I know He loves me unconditionally and can take everything that I have to say. For He knows what it is like to lose a son and just recently I put that together. That may sound dumb because I know God gave His son for our sins, but I never put the two and two together, I'm a mother who lost her son, He lost His son too. He knows my pain....He understands, and in the beginning I truly had a hard time thinking He did. As I sit here this evening and make it through the rest of the day the tears are plentiful but I'm also so thankful that my baby is resting in His arms. There is no better place for him to be right now. I have hope in my Jesus and that is enough for me. He is enough...He is my portion...He is my abba daddy, He is my provider, He is my strength, He is strong when I am weak, and in my weakness He makes me strong.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"...

It is my prayer that you rest in the plans He has for you...that you listen with your heart and let the Holy Spirit lead you every step. He has an amazing plan for each of us and what a beautiful piece of pottery He will make if we let Him be the potter and mold us. How awful that pottery will look if I try and take my journey into my own hands. God Bless.

4 months

2009-06-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks the 4th month since I gave birth to Mason...As I sit here writing this tears are welling up and my heart aches. My arms are heavy and wish more than anything that I could hold my precious baby just one more time. I remember him kicking inside of me....and then I remember that tragic night now to long ago when my whole life changed. So much has happened since Mason died....I'm grieving, I'm sad, I've gone from crying most of the day, to having good days, bad days, and mixed days. I've isolated myself from alot of people...i've lost a friend who i was close to for 8 years. She continued to end every conversation, email, text, message, with recover quickly and get back to normal soon...and I just couldn't take that anymore. I've learned through this that it isn't fair to put a timeline on this process known as grief...my normal will never be the same...yes I will become more adjusted to my "new normal" but I will never be the same person as I was before Mason was born. It changed my life and while I know God is right by my side each day brings new challenges but in the same breath He is teaching me so much about Him and myself....

I need to go to sleep as I have to get up early tomorrow but I can't seem to fall asleep. I've had reoccuring nightmares since Mason died and I struggle with going to bed afraid of what might occur while I'm sleeping. I'm praying tonight is a quiet night.

Thank you for your prayers and for listening. God Bless

A few pictures

2009-06-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

Noah loved the goggles! He calls them his water glasses and even took them in the bathtub! Kylan so excited to play on the slip N slide he got for his birthday!

Ky showing me the cupcake he picked out to eat. I'm no Martha but I tried:)

My handsome men....

Ky posing in front of the basketball hoop we got him for his birthday...the big 3!

Ok so my plans for going out with the boys are on hold as they are watching a dinosaur carton in Spanish and don't even seemed bothered by the fact they can't understand what it being said. They crack me up. Chad's mowing the lawn and i'm waiting for their pizza to be done before I start the orange chicken and egg rolls Chad and I are having with dinner. That being said I just uploaded some cute pictures of the boys and my trip to Wollersheim Winery Yesterday. It's really neat...my friend Dawn and I met when I moved to Alaska and was starting 8th grade. We were friends all the way through High School and then I moved to southern alaska and we lost touch. Seven years went by and at the urging of my siblings I started my own facebook account and found many friends from highschool and military that I grew up with. Dawn was one of them and it was so awesome because that summer (two years ago) she was moving to Madison Wisconsin which is not very far from me. We met at Barnes and Nobles for coffee and caught up right we were left off. We try and get together every month and always have a blast when we do. I've really enjoyed our friendship and she has been so understanding since Mason died. She's a great listener and feel so blessed we've been able to reconnect. Enjoy the pictures!

Tired....

2009-06-07T13:30:00.001-07:00

Sundays have been hard for me since Mason died...Sunday is the day when everything began and it's in my head like a flip book. I've had a hard time going to church since Mason died and every time I go, God knows I need to be there, but I end up crying most of the time. Today I didn't want to go, but I knew I needed to go. I got the boys up and ready, let Chad sleep in, and took them to church. They were happy to see their friends and I was happy to sit with my mom and listen to David preach. I feel numb today and felt numb most of the service. I think it's my body's way of shutting of the emotion. I came home with the boys and took a nap, then got up and went to the gym for a long workout. I'm now at home waiting for the boys to wake up from their nap, but am just exhausted. It's been a couple of days since I've had a good cry and I think I'm due for one. My friend, Michelle, who is due in August is having her baby shower the end of the month and I'm so excited for her and Craig. We shared with each other that we were pregnant before we told our families and had planned to spend alot of time together while we were on maternity leave. Our boys were going to be 4 weeks apart and I was so excited. I had the whole summer planned out in my head and now I have nothing.....I want to continue to support her and love her and the baby, but when I was thinking about having to go to the baby section to pick something out I started to have a panic attack... I'm not sure what I'm going to get her, and while I do want to go to the shower, I'm afraid I will start to cry looking at her pregnant and all of the baby things.....and I don't want to take anything away from her special day. Tuesday will be four months since Mason was born into heaven and I think now that the shock of everything has gone and the feelings continue to come I feel lost alot of the time. When I say that I mean that I struggle with balancing work, spending time with the boys, being emotionally there for them, my husband, and friends. I know that I have completely isolated myself from a lot of my friends because I just don't feel like answering the how are you doing today, or even listen to their complaints. I love them dearly but seem to be impatient when listening to people complain about petty things and don't really care to listen to it. Some days are good, others are bad, some I'm super happy, and then others, like today, I struggle to make it through the day and really don't feel like doing anything. Sorry this post is all over the place...I needed to get my feelings out so thought I would pop online and type them out.

I have been waiting to order Mason's headstone and think I decided on which one to get. Chad left that decision up to me as he thought they all looked nice. I just can't seem to pick up the phone to call the cemetary and set up an appointment to go order it. I keep having flashbacks to going there and being shown where he would be buried and just feeling the coldness inside the office. Steve- The gentleman who helped us was wonderful but I'm just having a hard time with doing this part of it.

Well I'm going to try and get a couple minutes of sleep before they wake up. I'm sure I'll post more later.

While I'm Waiting I Will Serve You...

2009-05-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

It's seems like forever since I have posted and I've missed the opportunity to share what's going on with you, but the past couple of weeks have been a whirl wind. I'll warn you that this post will be all over, but I'm excited to share with you what God is doing.

Mother's Day this year was one filled with much anticipation/panic. Let me start by saying that I'm incredibly blessed to have two amazing boys at home. This year I hugged them so hard they probaly thought I wasn't going to let go. But with Mason's death three months ago, I also thought that it would be a hard/bittersweet day. The week before Mother's Day I started having panic attacks almost every day and I know the source of it was I wasn't sure how Mother's Day was going to be. I remember the night before Mother's Day Chad was out with a friend and my little sister was over at our home and I called him in the middle of his dinner and asked him to come pick her up and take her home because I was losing it and didn't want her to see my upset. I was dreading the next day at that point. I woke up on Mother's Day and went for a long run, and listened to my "mason cds" as I like to call them which God has truly spoken to me through. I hadn't been to church in three weeks, mostly because of our schedules but also because I can't seem to get through a service without bawling my eyes out. As I finished my run and was getting in my car, my sister Ashley called, and asked if I was planning on going to church. At that point I wasn't, but she said we were having a guest speaker, and that she heard her at Saturday night's service and really thought I would get a lot from her. Below is the link to our church's website and her sermon. The Holy Spirit moved me and I raced home to wake up Chad and the boys and we were out the door in a record 40 minutes for church.

http://www.mycentralwired.com/mediablog/?p=297

My sister was right, God knew I needed to her what she had to say and the Holy Spirit moved me and while I was sitting in church I felt lead to speak to our pastor and speak to our congregation about Mason and my story. I haven't talked to Him yet as I know I'm not ready to speak just yet, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is healing my heart and I want more than anything to share what He has tought me through this journey.

At the end of the service, I had a mess of kleenex in my lap, and my sister hugged me and prayed over me. This mother's day my arms felt heavy and ached for my baby that I will not hold again for a very long time. The tears poured as I remembered the two precious days I had to hold him.....the two days that seemed so long but really were too short. We left church and took the boys to my girlfriend's house and Chad and I went to visit Mason at the cemetary. It was the first time Chad had gone with me to visit Mason since we buried him and it was very special, but so hard. We then went and picked up the boys and had lunch at home. After we put the boys down for their nap, Chad gave me my mother's day gift. I opened the box and pulled out a Willow Tree box, that said "Loved so loved" on the outside and when I opened there was a box inside with a mother holding a baby, and it opens with the same inscriptin inside. My wonderful husband found this precious memory box that he thought would be perfect for Mason's braclet and other things I have of his from the hospital and funeral. I lost it right there at the table. Chad was concerned that I might not like it and said I could return it, but it was perfect and it touched my heart that he came across this all on his own. The rest of the afternoon went well. The boys woke up and we played and had a wonderful dinner. It was a hard day but bittersweet and God held my hand through the whole thing, and I don't say that lightly.

Our anniversary was on May 22nd....5 years. We went away to Pigeon Forge Tenn. for a week and rented a cabin. It was truly wonderful and a blessing! Chad and I truly needed the time to be together, just the two of us, and we were blessed by each day shared. Above are a few pictures from our trip. We hiked two different trails in the Smoky Mountains, went to five wineries, had a blast in the cabin just hanging out, did some shopping, alot of talking, laughing, crying, and reflecting. Overall we walked away from that trip closer and really worked through/talked about Mason and the things that have happened since he died. I'm blessed to have a husband that loves me unconditionally and has been so patient and had not gotten tired of being supportive or listening to how I'm doing. I know the loss of our son has been different for him than I and when I say that I mean that Chad has grieved the loss of Mason, and while he too misses him, he has been able to pick back up and continue on without the struggles that I'm having. That being said I know that my bond with Mason was so different because I carried him and I don't fault Chad one bit, but sometimes I feel like I should be at a certain part in the grieving process, but am then reminded that there is no timeline for what I'm gonig through but that the grieving process does evolve and I will never stop grieving the loss of Mason, but my bad days will get less, and even years from now i'm sure I'll have moments that are hard, but God is the God of healing and I trust that He will continue to be my stronghold.

Now i'm speeding up to today...Memorial Day...It's been a hard day...I woke up early and went for a run which I'm finding has been so therapuetic for me. I then came home and cleaned up a bit and then my mom and I went to visit Mason together. She has been wanting to go with me since the funeral but alot of times when I go I just like to be by myself. It was wonderful having her there with me and we had a good couple of hours afterwards together. I went home and took a nap with the boys while Chad helped moved some couches to my mom's new place and then got up, made banana bread, playdough with the boys, and some yummy orange chicken from Trader Joe's for dinner. After dinner I continued my spring cleaning that I have been working on since we got back on Friday. I then ran to my mom's to drop some things off and now here I am with my glass of wine reflecting on everything. I so wish I had a couple of hours were I could share so much more about the past few weeks, but I made a goal today to put aside an hour every night and stop and blog, pray, read scripture, and read one of my books I got after Mason died. I want to do all of these things daily, but am notorious to sticking to my routine and it never fails that my quiet time often gets bumped because i'm so busy getting something ready for the next day. While in Tennesse God really put it on my heart to spend more time in the word and in prayer. I found a really neat prayer journal and will share the link to the website tomorrow.

That's it for now but I have some cute pictures of the boys that I will share tomorrow. God Bless!

Moving and Chicken Parmesan

2009-04-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

Well it's 10:00 exactly and i'm wide awake...most likely because I took a long nap this afternoon, but it was so worth it! My mom and sisters (who still live at home)...i'm the oldest of 6..my youngest sister Jess is 11, moved this weekend. She has been living in a townhouse/1 of 16 that are connected for the past 6 years and God's timing was perfect and she just moved into the duplex on of my dear friends Amy moved out of last month. We've been wanting her to move for some time now but God has this duplex waiting for her and everything worked out perfect. The landlord repainted the whole duplex and put new carpeting in for her, not to mention it is so darn cute and will be perfect for her and two of my sisters. Now came the fun part...moving. Friday was gorgeous here so I left work at 2:00 and my friend, M, met me and we started taking truckloads over to her new place. Did I mention that it is less than a mile from her old to her new place? That was awesome! With my explorer and my mom's truck we took 6 loads over which was a great start. She rented a U-Haul for Sat...but bad weathe was supposed to come (and it did..! ). My Grams flew in last Tuesday from SC to help my mom pack and she has been such a blessing. She is 80 but is the busiest woman I know and still runs circles around us. Saturday M and I were supposed to participate in a race but it was lightening and storming...we drove to Madison for the race but never made it to the start line due to the weather...instead we hit the mall, my favorite running shoe store, Barnes and Nobles, and Trader Joe's. I've never been to Trader Joe's before and have wanted to go for years...and now am in love with it!!! So we hit those stores quick and drove all the way back to my mom's and continued the moving process. My wonderful husband was most of the muscle, besides one of my brother's friends who came by and helped for hours. What a blessing he was. We finished unloading the second load off of the uhaul at 5:00 and returned the truck at 6:00...and then ordered amazing chinese food. :) We were all excited to have my mom moved in but of course the unpacking process, and cleaning the old place still need to be done by this coming Friday. M watched the boys for us on Sat and we picked them up at 6 and brought them back to my mom's while Chad put all of the bed's together for my mom. We left her place at 9:00 and while I intended to go back and help my energy was gone by the time we got home. I decided to crash and was up early as always and back at her place by 6:45. We got a lot done today and I left there around noon and spent the rest of the day with the family. I took a long nap when the boys did and then watched golf for a bit when I woke up. I finally got my second wind and did laundry, filed paperwork, did dishes and made Chicken Parmesan and garlic bread with wine for dinner....it was amazing!!!!

I also worked on organizing my scrapbook room which has become a storage room of sorts with several of my projects that I want to do but haven't started and still has my carry on from my trip to Texas with my journal that I started on that trip. I know I need to get back to writing and finish my timeline that I want to complete and continue reading the books I bought. While this weekend was a good one in many ways, this past week was a rather rough one for me. Chad picked up on it right away and I got quite depressed on Wed and didn't think I was going to be able to stay at work because I couldn't get the tears to stop. I've been working out six days a week and that seems to be helping, but then this week I just got frustrated and felt like I was back to square one. I think that is what is the hardest part for me....my life will never be the same and I keep thinking it will at some point get back to "normal". I get frustrated with my rough days and think I expect to much of myself but as Wendy (my counselor) reminds me...i've lost a child...I lost my son...it just isn't going to go away...I can't fix it...I can only embrace this process, trust God, grieve.....and take one day, one hour at a time. Chad and I were talking about all of this one the way home from work on Wed and I told him what's been the hardest part is that when Mason died I lost "control" of my life....the false sense of control I so strongly try to hold onto. I know God is teaching me to let go of that and grasp on to Him and let Him carry me...and I am, but it hasn't been easy. I've always known He is there and have no problem letting him control many areas of my life, but then there are certain areas of my life that I know I hold onto for dear life and I believe with all of my heart that losing Mason is teaching me so many things and one of the main ones is that I don't have true control of my life. Yes, I have choices and have control over them and I might try and control a situation, but only God knows what tomorrow and the next is going to bring and I need to let Him have all of me...and let go of this false sense of control that I have been holding on to for so long. Even as I type this I'm in awe of what he is teaching me every day...little by little...He has my full attention and while I still don't understand and continue to ache for my baby...I am resting safe in the arms of God, and letting Him carry me. I'm struggling, I'm having better days, some really bad ones, moments that bring waves of tears, moments of joy with my family and friends, but He's still holding on to me and i'm not letting go or turning back. I will not let Satan win....I will continue to Praise Him in this Storm as so rightfully said by Casting Crowns. This is my Storm and I pray that I will grow as a woman of God and be used by Him for whatever His purpose is. I know right now I need to be in the word and be in prayer daily and I need to listen. I'm good at talking and not always listening, but right now i'm listening, praying, and waiting.

I know this post is all over the place but it feels good to share everything... Please let me know how I can pray for you. I'd be honored to do so.

Galena

2009-04-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends turns thirty tomorrow. We've both been through a lot these last few months and I thought it would be a nice surprise for her to take her on a day trip....destination unknown to her. I've never been to Galena, IL but a girlfriend I work with has and raves about it...especially Galena Cellars...an amazing winery. So Galena was my destination and slowly my plan fell into place. I told M to be ready by 7am yesterday....and the day begin. Let me begin by saying that M is NOT a morning person...but I am and wanted to get an early start because it is a little over 2 hours to Galena. I made blueberry scones the night before and picked up hot chocolate for her. I met her at the door with camera in tow and gave her, her first gift. Two more are to follow this week... We got to Galena...which is a small town, but Main street is full of amazing shops and restaurants. We started at Galena Cellars and tasted 12 wines....fortunately/unfortunately I liked 11 of the 12 and knew my husband would have a heart attack if I came home with 11 bottles of wine especially since I just brought home 4 bottles on Friday after visiting a local winery. So M and I decided to each pick out 3 bottles (different ones) and we made a pack to drink the bottles with each other. Plus we decided while we were there that it would be a great Mother's day gift for our moms, so it looks like we'll be going back the end of June. After the winery we went and visited all of the amazing shops and loved them!!! We ate lunch at this place called Durty Gurtz and it was awesome!!!!! The funny part was while we were driving home I thought we were both going to start falling asleep because it started to rain.....so we whipped out some white cheddar popcorn that we got from this amazing popcorn shop and ate half the bag just to try and wake us up..it worked for about 20 minutes. I was planning on making chicken parmesan over wheat penne for dinner but after I took the wrong turn and got us lost for 40 minutes we opted for pizza hut and wine:) I crashed on the couch in the media room at 6:30 and didn't wake up until Chad moved me to go to bed.

While yesterday was amazing I felt horribly sick today. I've been back on Weight Watchers since the week after Mason died and my body has detoxed so eating all of that unhealthy food made me feel horrible. I left work at 9:30 this morning and came home and slept for five hours straight...I think for many reasons I just needed it. I went to spinning class tonight and a run and was back to my healthy routine food wise and feel so much better tonight.

It was fun to make new memories with M, laugh, try some new wine, and get a way for a bit.

As I sit here tonight it feels good to work out and get my feelings out in a healthy way...but as I sit here I miss Mason...I miss my baby...

With a Broken Hallelujah

2009-04-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted last. So much has happened the past couple of weeks. My time in Texas was a true blessing. I'm still on awe of how God knew months ago when I made my plans to see my best friend, that over the months to follow, the reason for me going to see her would change. While I was there I had quiet time with him every morning and it was wonderful. Up until I went to Texas I couldn't get a prayer out...the tears would come and come...and I know the Holy Spirit knows my heart and the prayers that I want to say but it was in Texas on my morning runs that I poured my heart out to him and would listen to Mason's CD as I cooled down. It was during this time the emotions came flying but the healing process was continuing. During my time in Texas my best friend and I went to a winery, Custom Crush, which was so much fun, and went to one of our favorite places, The Melting Pot. It was wonderful to laugh, cry, and be there with her during all of it. I read a book, "Safe in the Arm of God" by John MacArthur and have been so blessed by it. I was given the homework by my counselor before I left to journal everything that happened over the week I lost Mason. I had explained to her that I couldn't get the pictures out of my head and I remembered everything with so much detail and it was that raw pain that was helping me feel close to Mason. I know that probaly doesn't make a lot of sense but that is how I felt before I left. She made a good point and said that by writing it all down I can not try and hold onto those moments so hard, in fear that I will forget him or what happened, and that I will always have my journal to turn to if I want to read about what happened over those days. I worked on my outline while I was there and read the whole book. I want to go back and read it again and write down a lot of things from the book in my journal I've started. It is truly an amazing book.

It was quite emotional coming back to Wisconson because I felt almost stressed as soon as I got off of the plane...back to my house, where I can't stop thinking about Mason, back to the town where everywhere I go things remind me of the funeral, the hospital, the cemetary, the days before, the days after....but God is moving and working and He knows all and is not moved or changed by what has happened to me. He sits in Heaven where my precious son is worshipping Him and is going to get me through this. Before I left my counselor had asked me what gift Mason gave me...and I couldn't come up with anything...because every gift I felt his life was going to bring from us, was abruptly taken from me, and in it's place was a pain I have never experienced before. It has been in these last couple of weeks that I can now say Mason has given me the gift of perserverance, motivation, and a desire for Heaven that I have never had before. Don't get me wrong I've always looked forward to being in Heaven with Jesus but since Mason died I long for Heaven...I long to be with Jesus and my baby. I mean that in a healthy way. I know God has a plan for the rest of my life on earth and I'm waiting to see what that is, and am continuing on with the grieving process, the good days and bad, but also seeking God in a way I never have before.

I just got back from running and taking a spinning class at the Y. Since I decided to drop my class this semester I have my evenings free and have turned to working out as a healthy way to deal with my grief. It has been a great outlet for me to let everything out. We even got a family membership to the Y so Chad and I can work out together. Since Mason died I feel that we have grown distant and we had a long talk about two weeks ago. We will be celebrating our five year anniversary next month. We have talked about going to Mexico for our five year anniversary since we got married, but when I found out I was pregnant we decided to wait until after he was born. When Mason died Chad brought up the idea of going somewhere, but I was unsure that I would be up for it and wouldn't be able to enjoy it. God has worked in my heart so much over these past two months and I truly believe Chad and I need to go away together and spend time reconnecting and talking. I feel that in a big way I have stopped talking to him only because I know it pains him to hear how i'm feeling and I began to feel guilty for saying the same day almost every day. Well my wonderful husband found a beautiful cabin in Tennessee that we are going to for 5 days and I can't wait. I'm so excited to spend time with him one on and one and just talk and love each other. He is truly my best friend, but I know Mason's death has distanced us in a sense and I know we need the time together to work through things. Well I need to get cleaned up since the boys just finished their baths and grab something for dinner. Thank you for all of your prayers.

Oh and Erika I love Andrew's Song! I bought Mandisa's CD this weekend and can't stop listening to it.